1 broken laptop + 1 broken phone = I HATE MY LIFE!!!

[bran155]

I would like to welcome all of you to my pity party, I am feeling so desperate and frustrated it is suffocating. I just cannot take no more!!! My daughter has put us through utter hell over the weekend. She brought her friend (I use the term friend loosely) to my house, she is not allowed to have company because she just doesnt deserve to have that privilege. So I told her she and her friend had to leave, well that went over real well, she refused. After an hour of arguing with her she cursed me out in front of her friend and threatened to slap me, but finally did leave. When she came home all hell broke loose!! She was on my laptop, cursing me out again, going on and on, saying horrible things. My husband got so angry he snatched the computer from her, in the process cracked the screen. She got mad and threw my sons Wii on the floor and it ended up in a few pieces. She was going off, yelling and cursing and threatening us, it was crazy!!! My husband then snapped my daughter's cell phone in half and threw it in the garbage. So now she has no phone nor access to a computer, as my sister no longer allows her on her computer. Fun Fun Fun!!! We are all so sick and tired of living this way. Me and my family live upstairs and my sister and nephew live downstairs, so this affects all of us. I called my case manager and left several messages and no call back. I finally got in touch with him this morning, he doesnt want to go back to court as we have been back and forth so many times, our credibility is shot. WHAT??? I told him that this is the way it is with mental illness, she does good for a while then goes off the deep end. The last time we were in court she happened to be doing very well, now she isnt. What, was I supposed to lie in court and say that she wasnt doing well so that the next time she becomes unstable the judge will believe us??? This is nuts!!! I am so utterly frustrated and heartbroken, I dont think I can take much more. I dont have it in me to fight this battle anymore. I feel like it is all for nothing, there is never a good outcome, never. My poor family suffers daily because of my daughter. My nephew, who is 12 and my 7 year old son live in a hostile and violent environment. It isnt fair to them. My sister has stuck by me and my difficult child through it all, she is my rock. I am so lucky to have her and my husband, who isnt my daughter's bio father. We have actually talked about him leaving with my son so that he can have a chance at a normal life. What is the right thing to do for him?? I wish I knew. He is my little angel, he is a mama's boy, he would be devastated without me, and I without him. But is living this way better, or should my husband take him and move out, so my son can have some normalcy? Or would it be worse for him to leave what he knows, even though it is as bad as it is??? I am so at my wits end, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. All the research I have done says that children with Borderline (BPD) cannot learn from their mistakes nor can they learn from their consequence, so what is the point of the tough love we are all giving her now? Yesterday I cried all day long, I was feeling so sad for her, trying to imagine how hard it must be to be her. That is the hard part, it is easy to hate her and be angry at her, but to actually empathize with her just hurts too much!!! I just hate my life!!! I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy!!!!

Sorry for the long vent, I am feeling very down today. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry you are so unhappy. Those of us here actually do "get it", we understand that she can have good days and bad days.

Is there any way to ask the case worker to remove her? To tell CW that the rest of you just can't live with her any more??

How long until she is 18 and you can legally refuse to have her in your home? Any options to help you until then?? I am just throwing out questions and ideas, hoping to spark some idea that may help.

Have you read The Explosive Child? Not as much to help HER, but to help you and husband be on the same page and to pick what battles you want to fight.

I really DO understand how hard this is. I had to have my son removed from our home by the Sheriff - and I refused to live with him again. He was 14. It broke my heart. Venting here was the only thing that saved my sanity (what little sanity I actually have).

I do have to ask if it is reasonable behavior for your husband to break her cell phone? To struggle over the computer to the point it breaks? At some point the adult has to make a conscious decision, and it is HARD.

I am NOT telling you your husband should have done X, Y, or Z. We certainly made our share of mistakes during battles with our difficult child, and will continue to make mistakes in battles with each of our kids ('cause no matter how old they are, there are still always battles).

Are you on the same page as husband regarding how you handle difficult child and issues regarding her?? I DO recommend (strongly) that you and husband go where you can sit and talk, then figure out your battle plan for the next however many days, months, ???, until difficult child is 18.

Read The Explosive Child first, though (if you haven't). Also, it might be helpful to sit down with a therapist while making these plans? Not sure, don't know what tdocs you see, have seen, or if husband will see a therapist for this reason.

Sending HUGS!!!!!!!

Susie

 

[JJJ]

Bran,

First (((HUGS))). husband and I actually considered something similar (he was going to get an apt for him & Kanga and we were hoping to use respite weekends to allow him time to come home and see us). But Kanga is 13, your daughter is 17 -- how long until she turns 18? On her 18th birthday, she moves out.

Some suggestions until then:

1. She threatens physical violence, call the police.

2. husband needs to stop breaking things. Take them away, but breaking them makes him look to be part of the problem (I know he isn't, we've broken a few things here ourselves until we learned that it didn't work and it felt better to donate the stuff to charity rather than just destroy it.)

3. Start telling her now that she will be moving out on her 18th birthday. Find the number of a women's shelter (although many of our kids end up bouncing from friend to friend at least for a while). Change the locks on your place and your sister's.

4. Could your son go to your sister's whenever difficult child is home?

 

[bran155]

Thanks so much for responding.

My son does always go downstairs to my sisters when difficult child is raging. He still knows what is going on though. And she will just bring her craziness down there, it is very hard to shelter him or my nephew from this as she runs through the whole house like a tornado.

I do tell her she will be leaving when she is 18, in fact I dont think there is a day that goes by that I dont remind her of that. Makes no difference to her whatsoever!!!

My husband feels horrible about breaking her phone, he knows it was childish and he shouldnt have done that. I told him not to beat himself up over it, we are human and can only take so much before we snap as well. He and I, for the most part are on the same page with regards to my daughter. He loves her and has always been here for her from day one. (since she has been 8) He usually stays out of it, unless it gets too much and she becomes violent. We found that works best. This particular day he just snapped after listening to her talk to me the way she did. She was saying absolutely horrible things to me, she even said that she would plant Crack in my home and then call the police and tell them I am a crackhead!!!

I told my case worker I do not want her living here anymore. It just isnt healthy for any of us, including her. Thats when he told me he didnt want to go to court again!!! He is looking into getting her placed into a long term psychiatric hospital through the Office Of Mental Health. Great that could take forever. In the meantime he told me to call an ambulance the next time we have an incident. There is no guarantee that will get her admitted though, as we have done this plenty of times before, she knows exactly what to say to get out of it.

I am so confused as to what to do now, if she cant learn from the tough love then what am I supposed to do? What is the point if she is incapable of "learning her lesson", so to speak. Lord help me.

 

[Nancy]

Bran,

We have actually has similar days like this. My husband once grabbed my laptop from difficult child and slammed the top down and broke the screen. I was so upset but I understood how frustrated he was and it's so easy to do that without thinking. Our difficult child's have a way of pushing us to the extreme. Now whenever my difficult child is in one of her angry moods I remove my laptop from the kitchen counter and put it in the case under my bed so that it is not around for her or anyone else to destroy.

And I must say there have been plenty of times that I have wanted to take her cell phone and snap it in half. I'm sure husband is upset with himself that he allowed her to get him so angry. Sometimes it takes one of those days to make us decide we are not going to allow our difficult child's to bring us to that point any longer.

I do understand about the court. We have been there too many times too and we are loosing credibility. They keep giving her chances and she keeps blowing them. She has only one more year and then we can't bail her out any longer.

I'm sorry you had such a bad day.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[totoro]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I think for those of us who have mental illness, and hopefully for our kids with mental illness as well, there comes a time when we break. We need help, if someone gives us a hand we would take it. I don't think she is at that point yet, nor knows how yet. She may have to go through some hard times before she can start recovery for her disorder and healing her mind. mental illness is very damaging to the brain, I would seek as much therapy as possible. While she is still home.
Try not to engage her, I agree with the others, get her ready to be out on her own. Try to be on the same page as the rest of the family. Have a plan when she is out of control.
Some people with mental illness will never take help. Others, yes. I personally will try anything... when I am doing well. But when a person, myself included, is unstable it is so hard. Our minds really "don't" want us to live in reality and see things rationally.
Everyone is out to get us... and they really are! LOL
Until she gets on the right medications,great Docs, maybe even hospitalizations more than once... (but she has to be OK with all of it) she will be out of control.
Walk away, don't get sucked into the violence or the anger. If you have to lock up everything valuable until she is gone, do it. If you all have to walk out of the house when she is enraged, do it, call the cops and stay out until they show up. It will show her a message that you are done. You are serious, but let her know the whole time that you want and are desperately trying to help her and will be here for her.
Hang in there.

 

[Star*]

Bran,

Isn't it interesting and sad that one person can negatively affect the lives of so many others? It sounds to me that you maybe are giving this child an incredible amount of lattitude based on her diagnosis of BiPolar (BP). You all need some help - and NOW.

In review - she broke house rules, brought a friend and you told "them" to leave.
You should have told the friend to leave and she got a punishment - she's pushing buttons.

Then you ARGUED with her for an hour? No no no no NO! You do not argue, you are the parent - when you can't control her - you tell her to go to her room, if she runs away - you call the police, if she goes to her room and tears it up - you can choose to allow her to destroy it or call the police.

Personally I think she needs to be in an out of home placement. She is NOT complying with house rules - she breaks stuff (remember my post to you about HIDE ALL THE VALUABLE STUFF THAT THEY WILL BREAK THINGS?) uh huh. I had a kid like her - THEY BREAK THINGS to be vindictive.

As far as your husband breaking the computer? WOW there is a lot of rage going on there - and he needs to process that with someone. Sounds kinda clinical - but Bravo to him hitting something and not her. (you take your ops where you can get 'em) and then he broke her cell phone? Ugh....back to square one. (although I really do get the why - his impulsive behaviors scream you all need some help.) NOT JUDGING - just helping because we all went to counseling in the Star house too.

And then you have the kids to consider - and how this is affecting them.

Your caseworker HAS a BOSS - CALL THAT PERSON NOW!!!!! TELL THEM SHE IS OUT OF CONTROL and you need TDC - placement (Temporary DeEscalation Center) NOW - TODAY - that you nearly had her arrested. And don't want to do that - but it's going to be a reality unless they place her somewhere. Tell the boss that you are seriously considering splitting up your family because of this child's behaviors. THAT KEEPING FAMILY UNIFIED is the whole reason you HAVE a caseworker. - and GET ANGRY - tell them YOU AREN"T KIDDING - this is affecting the your health.

I am so sorry you are going through this - and like you I too thought - If he can never learn from his mistakes - what is the use of Tought love - and I've said it before and I'll say it again - Tough Love is NOT necessarily for the kids to learn - it's for us parents to learn HOW to move forward, not engage in arguments with them, how to detach and how to eventually realize that if we want a life-time full of this particular type of drama all we have to do is NOT learn tough love and just accept that our lives will continue to be chaotic and get worse due to the behaviors of one child. Tough love - is tougher on the parent because we're genetically designed to care for and FIX our young. Walking away from those responsibilities is harder than staying. But in the end? We ourselves don't buy into the drama, save our marriages, save our other children's lives by not exposing them to the difficult child behaviors.

Do kids EVER learn when the are BiPolar (BP)? Sure - but NOT if patterns of THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior aren't part of their life - saving her from the police? You aren't doing her any favors - you suppose that she would be able to behave like that ANYWHERE else in the world and get away with it?

Get her placement, get yourselves in therapy NOW. Consider a therapist like the directions to a board game you've never played before - you're playing the game of life with a difficult child currently and don't know how - a therapist will offer suggestions, allow you a chance to vent, give you directions to deal with these behaviors - and help you understand HOW to not engage in a conversation that is unhealthy for you all.

been there done that - and won't go back. EVER.

-yes, I've called the police on my son - YES it helped.

Hugs
Star

 

[totoro]

Another thing I just thought of, if she gets violent and you don't want the cops to take her but just brought to the Hospital. Call her doctor and get full instructions from him/her regarding a plan. ex: When difficult child is out of control violent, call ambulance first ask them to transport your unstable child to the hospital, so call and say,"My Doctor.X has instructed me to call and ask for assistance and an ambulance to help get my daughter to the hospital" "She is unstable and Mentally Ill"
If they refuse and say they need the police, ask Police if they are CIT trained? Make it clear that she is Mentally Ill, when the police come, refuse and say, my Doctor has advised and set up difficult child to go to the Hospital. I would keep doctor's number on you. Call even if it is a service. Let the Police know it is being set up...
This has worked for a lot of parents as far as avoiding charges being pressed and an arrest. For the violence.
You can refuse the Police, keep repeating, My child needs Mental evaluation, this is my Doctors request. I am doing what my Doctor advised.
I am only doing what I was told. Ask to talk to the chief, if it will stall things out... have husband in the house calling the Hospital trying to get it set up. Or calling your doctor. Even a therapist. Anyone that can say, get her to the Hospital and not jail. It makes it so much better in the long run for a mentally child.

If I can find the article on all of this I will print post it.

 

[Star*]

Oh and FYI - You CAN stop hating your life. It takes working with people who will give you support and listening to advice that seems SO utterly wrong at the moment that you begin to doubt if the you aren't the only sane person and we all are crazy to tell you what we've done to survive.

It's not easy - but it's worth it.

Oh and DO NOT threaten - if you say "YOU DO THIS and we'll XXX - then you had BETTER follow through with XXX or the next time - difficult child's will think they are safe from "all harm" and give it to you in spades.

If you say "Your behavior in this house has become so out of control and it will no longer be tolerated. You will do XX and if you ever threaten, raise a hand or feel it is better for you to be out of control in your behavior - WE WILL call the police and have you put into a psychiatric hospital as a danger to yourself or others."

THEN if she tests the waters - CALL THE POLICE - and move on from that point with a caseworker in the hospital on a plan for her life.

You can NOT continue to live like this - but yes, YOU CAN have a life and so can your daughter.

 

[susiestar]

I totally agree with Star. counselling for ALL is in order. Your husband MUST feel a LOT of anger. He just simply must. Males are designed to protect teh family. He chose you and your daughter, then had a son with you. the daughter he chose is endangering you. His role, in his mind and biologically, is to PROTECT. But he has to protect you from the daughter he chose?? Who wouldn't be enraged by this??

It iwll take some supreme Warrior Mom battling, but someone should be able to get your daughter into the services Star mentioned. Even when they will first tell you it doesn't exist - anywhere.

Let them know you are angry.

Follow Star's advice adn know we are here for you and we care.

Hugs,

susie

 

[bran155]

Star,

Thanks for your response. I have called the police on her plenty of times, aprox. 20 times. The cops in my town know us very well. lol She has been hospitalized 8 times, did nothing. She has been diagnosis with Borderline Personality Disorder, which according to my case worker, opens her up to a bunch of different services. It takes forever to get any of them in place. I will take your advise and call his boss and demand some respite right now!!!!

As far as my husband is concerned, he feels horrible and is very regretful for doing that. He has never done anything like that before, in fact, he pretty much stays out of it until it gets violent. When he does get involved he is usually the one that is able to remain calm. I guess he just lost it that day. We are all human and can only take so much!! I often lose it myself, way more than I care to admit. It is very hard to remain the adult in these situations. We are all running on emotion. I do agree that it only escalates the situation. We're trying.

She is sleeping now, if she wakes in a rage I will have her brought to the hospital and hopefully this time they'll admit her. The last time I had the police bring her to the ER she had the doctor fooled, she is very manipulative and knows just what to say to get sent home. I will flat out refuse to take her home this time.

Thanks for your input. Hearing from others really helps.

 

[Christy]

Sorry your life is so chaotic right now. It sounds like this realtionship is too far gone and you need a break. I would hope that some distance between you and your daughter might actually help you to heal some of the resentment you have towards one another. It is a toxic environment for your son and nephew as well. I would contact the case manager and stress that the situation has become a crisis. If you are forced to wait it out until she turns eighteen then try take the path of least resistance and avoid battling with her even if it seems like you are giving in to her. Someimes it is not worth the fight. Contact the mental health association and see if they have any transitional living programs. Let it be know to them that you will not have her in your home once she turns 18 due to her behaviors. She may not be willing to take help from an agency but all you can do is try. She may need to hit bottom before she begins to accept help and make changes.


good luck,
Christy

 

[Star*]

Bran,

VIDEO TAPE HER IN YOUR HOME WHEN SHE RAGES - with that many time of calling the police and THAT may admits - someone in your town is not doing their job - a child like her is brilliant and smart and sadly manipulative but with that many trips - SOMEONE is NOT doing their job - so get her on tape and show the doctors at the hospital the tape. Tell them that THIS is how she behaves at home, and then she gets to the ER and is capable of holding it together.

We had to do this with Dude - I got him on video shooting an arrow at me and screaming he hoped I would die. Before that? Everyone just figured I was a single Mom with a spoiled brat and no parenting skills looking for a little "time off" from being a parent. (grrrrrrrr)

I'm sure DF feels bad. He sounds like a wonderful Dad for her. I'm just so sorry this is so out of control for you so often. There is help - you're a warrior Mom!!!!!!! GET OUT THERE AND ROAR - and get yourself, your beautiful daughter and family some help.

I think I told you before Dude has Borderline (BPD) traits - (argh) isn't he lovely? noooooo.

I think as a parent you must keep asking yourself WHY is this insanity in MY kid and WHY does he keep riding his bike down the hill at 45 mph when he KNOWS hes going to crash and flip at the bottom then get a trip to the ER - but THREE times - busted arm, injured head/stitches & busted wrist, finally he flipped over the handles bars with his JAW wired shut and cause a missing front tooth with jaw pain and vanity set in and he hasn't gone down that hill since. Df said - WOW if I would have known you just needed a good hard thump in the head to tell you NOT to go down the hill - I would have ran out in the yard and got you a rock! So there IS hope that they learn - but WOW they should call Borderline (BPD) - the LEARNING THE HARDEST WAY KNOWN disorder.

Oh and if the boss won't listen - he/she has a boss also - and everyones boss should be the governor - and I've called HIM a LOT! But I finally got services.

 

[butterflydreams]

Bran,

I have no advice - just HUGS. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It looks like you have received a lot of good advice though from those that have been there done that.

Christy

 

[amazeofgrace]

my 1st thought was who broke the phone and laptop, I truly suspected your difficult child as that would be something both of mine are capable of.

<<<HUGS>>> I wish I had the right words for you, I can only come up with "it will get better" and "hold on to the good days"

do something just for you today, maybe take your sister too

 

[reallytrying]

Not that I'm an expert, but I think the video idea might be a good one. My 6yr old just recently got deemed ODD, and there are many people who didn't believe that she was breaking things and hurting us. I am always aware of where she is and what items are near her when she begins to have a meltdown. Are her medications working? A stay at a hospital might get that straightened out?
I really am new to this--so I can only offer support. Don't hate your life (even though many of us have been there). My husband and I have broken difficult child's things in a momentary loss of control, but I do think that's better than hitting her! It's not the right message, but we are human.

 

[witzend]

My thoughts about the friend being in the house were similar to another poster's. It's bad enough that your daughter disrespects you that much in your home, but it just would never happen that some leachy friend of one of my kids didn't understand what I meant when I told them to leave. There would be no doubt whatsoever that they had better get out of my house before their belongs and then their behinds got thrown out the front door. No "asking" involved.

It sounds like it's time to strip her room of everything but the bed, pillow and blanket. Stash your stuff in your room, and only take it out when you yourself are going to use it. Put a good deadbolt lock on your door, and keep everything, including your purse, cell phone and car keys, in there unless you are using them. Make your home as unattractive to her as you possibly can.

Under no circumstances let her slip one little bit. You own the house and everything in it. You make the rules. You let her live there with the bare necessities because you don't owe her any more than that and she doesn't deserve any more than that. She should absolutely understand that you are done playing by her rules. Stand up straight, take a deep breath, and tell her very firmly "no". If she doesn't stop tell her "get out of my house". If she doesn't go, call the ambulance or the police.

It's BS that people with Borderline (BPD) can't change. Is it difficult? Yes. Will it ever happen if they don't see any benefit to it? No. Can they adapt? Yes. Let her figure out how to adapt her behavior to get the types of things she wants from you. She wants a computer and a phone? Stop being a screaming banshee brat or find it somewhere else.

 

[Steely]

Many hugs..........I have no real words of wisdom...........wish I did.

Your daughter sounds seriously troubled/sad/lost. I know you know this, but as much as she rages and blames it all on you - she is really trying to scream to someone how lost she is - and how messed up and scared she feels. In conjunction with all of the other things others have mentioned, I wonder how beneficial it would be to start meeting weekly for mother/daughter lunch where the only intention is to bond. Nothing but pure, superficial girl talk. I think this might be especially important if she actually has Borderline (BPD). It would in no way supercede the consequences you have in place, it would be a completely separate and new avenue you could forge.

So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Wiped Out]

Bran,
I'm sorry things are so rough right now. A break is needed for all of you. Gentle hugs.

 

[Sara PA]

You really need to take a look at the two antidepressants your daughter is taking. Far too common side effects for kids taking antidepressants include anger, aggression, hostility and violence. This story smacks of antidepressant psychiatric side effects. Sounds like life in my house for a few years.