12 Signs You May Be "Helping" Too Much

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Albatross, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

  2. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Ouch. I think the people that wrote this article have been watching me and my husband be black belt co's for our daughter. We do it for her children so they will have some kind of childhood and be properly cared for. But she's becoming a poorer parent by the day and it's so painful.
     
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Excellent!! It really hits on all the areas that we can get caught up in. I hope everyone reads it.

    Thanks for sharing Albie.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow, ALbie. It's perfect. I needed this reminder today. Although I don't and wouldn't give my 38 year old son anything of monetary value due to bad coices, I give him too much of my time when he is being very abusive.

    This doesn't help him. It encourages his tendency to be unusually selfish at times and to behave as a small child.

    Great timing and thanks!
     
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well, my son left today. We kicked him out. For many of the cited reasons. It became clear that what seemed like support to change, had turned into enabling to remain the same or worse.

    We are not sorry, just sad.

    We met most of the danger signs. Sigh.
     
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  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Alb, thank you so much for this article. It is clear and succinct and it hits the nail on the head. I did all of this at one time with Difficult Child....until I finally stopped. Once I stopped...he had a fighting chance to start becoming a man.

    I was literally killing him with my help. My help made ME feel better. It didn't do anything for him.

    It took me a long time and many missteps to get this because I couldn't stand the pain. I had to finally work through my own stuff in order to stop.
     
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  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I got a 100% :oops:

    Ahem, as Cedar would say.

    I have been working on a summary of our interactions with Difficult Child for the counselor. Fifteen pages and much head scratching later...so many times thinking "Why did we do that?"

    Certainly because it made us feel better. Also because we needed to show we had faith in him...but frequently stepping in showed just the opposite, that we had no faith in him.

    Copa, I am sure it was not an easy decision to make and I think I understand how you feel. You know we are all here for you when you are ready to talk about it.
     
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  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Albatross:
    This list is all too familiar. Working hard on letting go and letting HIM do it!

    Copa:

    Sorry to hear that you are still on this rollercoaster. May be time to let go?
     
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Reading through the article reaffirms the path I have finally taken after years and years of over helping. It is not easy, but, neither is the latter. Over helping. My kids started out ok, but quickly slid into the same bad habits and then chaos eventually erupted with their choices spilling over into my house.
    I remember well not wanting to be in my own home.
    Sunday night we had a terrible tropical storm hit, 10 inches of rain, lightning, thunder. I thought of my two, my grands, prayed they were safe.
    I realized that there was nothing I could do for them that they weren't capable to do for themselves. If I continually go to rescue or overhelping mode, they won't make the necessary changes to help themselves.
    It is akin to going from a tricycle to a two wheeler but never removing the training wheels. There comes a time when I have to remove those training wheels and let go. So, I stopped over thinking and worrying. That is not helpful to anyone.
    It's not easy to watch them fall, to know that they have ridden on rocky dangerous paths that have caused them so much strife.
    How will they choose differently if I am constantly there to rescue them? How will they learn to have self respect if I allow them to take away my own?
    We are all on the most difficult journey, but if we continually lay our own lives down, to give our d cs a hand up, and they tread upon us, expecting hand out upon hand out, what is to come of them when we are no longer here?
    I am determined to keep from overhelping, it is not only a detriment to myself, but for my two, my greatest hope and wish for them is to find their purpose and their way. Time and circumstance has shown me that does not happen when I step in. I suppose that I have learned this the hard way. If I don't change my response and reaction, it lessens their chance to really spread their wings and fly.
    Thank you so much for this article, Alb, it is a very good reminder for me.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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