12 years of devastation

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by peg2, May 1, 2016.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Been on the forum for lots of years but not so much for about a year. My journey may have come to an end. After years of therapy for myself and years of group homes for my now 26 yr. old son(since age 12) myself and my therapist(who has met my son and even did therapy with him here and there) have come to realize he has some sort of brain disorder that will not change. He works(has held a job for 2 yrs.now) says he has a girlfriend. doing better now than before. Asked to meet me at therapists office abt. a month ago, said he is done with me, I am not his mother and he felt I didn't want him around(at 12 yrs.old) as I had 2 other children and a job, so I sent him away!! Wanted to be adopted. Therapist feels(and I do too) that he can not see that his behavior was out of control due to some kind of brain mix up. medications & therapy will not help as he has felt this way for 12 years now. He cannot see what really happened and feels it is all my fault. No way to fix it and getting older has not helped. No real diagnosis.
    Sometimes it will not get better, we must realize this and move on. But I can't and continue to see the therapist.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    What a complicated situation. I'm sorry he felt he had to involve YOUR therapist in this.
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    On your signature...is he listed as one of the children? Was there an adoption? Is he your biological child? I guess it is time to detach, but oh how that must hurt, to be discarded after trying so hard and so long to help him.

    Maybe in time your relationship will improve. Ksm
     
  4. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    My heart aches for you. You did everything you possibly could for your son through the years. His illness does not let him see it that way. He seems to be stabilizing a bit that he has kept a job for 2 yrs. He would not have gotten that far if you hadn't done all that you have for him. You did a good job with him. Focus on your other sons and keep working with the therapist. Take care.
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Peg. Sometimes our kids need to see us as the bad guy, as at fault. It happens sooner or later to must of us. No parent is perfect. That is why it hurts so much. I believe it is normal to feel--I could have done better or different.

    It is not about us. Our children know in their hearts that we love them unconditionally with all of our hearts and souls.

    Let him be. Go about your life and living well. He is young. Personally, I believe about 20 percent of what I hear from psychologists. Everything will come out in the wash.

    I do not necessarily buy the diagnosis or the permanence of it, because I have seen with my own eyes how people change. Well kids get ill. Ill kids get better. Nor do I buy anything your son or anybody else says about you as his mother.

    He had his say. Let him be. Tomorrow is another day.

    He is working. Good for him. He has a girlfriend. Good for him.

    Honestly, I am mad at that therapist who I do not think should have participated in something so hurtful. It is one thing had he been an adolescent. But 26 years old?

    Please be kind to yourself. I hope you are back here for a while. Take care.
     
  6. peg2

    peg2 Member

    ksm, He is my youngest biological child.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wonder if therapist was coaching him to say that. Kids leaving parentd/telling them to get out of their lives is a skyrocketing phenomena and therapists are very much in on it. The idea of getting abusive family members out of your life and it's their problem if this hurts them is preached by many therApists. It validates both people who have reason to cut ties and disturbed people who have NOT been abused but who are angry and mean and just want to hurt a loving mother/father.

    This is new. I've been in therapy for decades and it helped me (but I had to dump the bad ones and stick with the good ones...there are both) and this "let your mother go" is newly being preached. I think it is dangerous. A therapist is not privy to the big picture and I wish they'd cut out the advice. I tend to favor mental health professionals who teach life and coping skills and let me reach my own conclusions. I don't like those who tell me it's ok to hurt people.. it is heinous that you found this out in a therapy session.

    There is no way a therapist can predict the future. The therapist can not diagnose anyone. Only a psychiatrist, neuropsychology and maybe in some states Ph.D psychologists are legally allowed to diagnose. What does a brain disorder mean? What tests did she administer to come to this conclusion?
    The therapist angers me.
    You have no choice right now but to move on for right now. Maybe one day he will see.....that you just wanted to help him. I sincerely hope so.
     
  8. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Everyone seems to have this all wrong, sorry SomwhereOutThere, I guess I need to explain further. I have been seeing this therapist for over 5 years-ALONE. She knew our history and when I needed to see exactly where my son was at(as far as I was concerned)I would have one of my other sons contact him and ask him to do a joint therapy session. The therapist needed to see him to understand what I was going through. He showed up a few times, with me and without me there. She saw our dynamics and his behavior and did not diagnose him(she is only an MSW) but gave opinions as to what she thought he might have(because I asked her her opinion). He had seen psychiatrists as an adolescent and if you think they knew what they were doing, you are wrong. Initially it was ODD(he was only 12 then) and of course, after that comes bi-polar, but I doubt that is it. Won't see a psychiatrist as an adult because he thinks I am wrong here(or was always wrong). He was prescribed lithium which is a heavy duty drug for such a young person.
    When my son asked to see her this last time he said he had some questions for me-and that was all he said. She had no idea what he was going to spring on me but I had heard the adoption thing before when he was in one of the group homes. He asked me questions abt. a few things I had done to contact him-that's it, then the other stuff came out. Actually, I am not a Ph.D or MSW but I think he has a brain disorder too. I am his mother, I know him better than anybody. Something is not clicking-he is "stuck" at age 12 and that is that!
    I had already come to the conclusion he will not change due to the disorder so I appreciate someone(the therapist) agreeing with me. Some things are what they are, and you have to realize it will never change- he will never talk to me again.
    People telling me it will be different some day are really not helping me. And trying to get an adult to see a neurologist or any doctor for that matter is ridiculous. How does one do that with these type of adult children. They don't, so you have to go with what you have. His brain will not go past age 12(as far as this situation anyway) and he doesn't see things the way normal people do.
    Thanks for the responses.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Peg, hearing your son say that to you must have been terrible.

    For me, there came a point where I needed to accept what is, what happens in the future, is in the future, I am in the present and in this present moment, it is what it is. I think that's where acceptance comes in.

    Having another acknowledge your feelings sounds like it was important to you. I have had that experience as well and it was very important to me too.

    Whether your son's disorder heals and if he comes around in the future may not be relevant right now, it seems you are struggling to accept the reality of what has just happened. My ability to accept what is was greatly enhanced by letting go of hoping for a desired outcome. Sounds to me like you're doing a good job of that.

    Hang in there Peg.......sending warm hugs to you.......
     
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  10. Melbourne11

    Melbourne11 New Member

    Peg I have no wise words for you. But I empathize. I honestly do. Today I saw a psychologist who agreed that ( on my verbal account ) my daughter does have Borderline Personality Disorder. Yay !! However she told me I am in denial. I also have PTSD given my history of living with my daughter and her illness. So here I am finally thinking YES. Someone gets it !! How can she say I am in denial ??
    However living a life that turns everything you value, everything you want, everything you dreamed of upside down ad insight out hurts. Destroys trust, destroys the equilibrium I have sought for so long in my relationship with my daughter.
    So whatever the future brings Peg I hope that you find peace and your son finds peace too.
     
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  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Peg,
    Do you still have the RO against him? If so, the meeting with the therapist, where he said he doesn't want you in his life, could be partly because of the RO. He sees himself as normal although no one else does. Yes, that sounds like it is part of his illness. It's easy for me to say, accept his decision and move on, but I know it is hard to do. Just keep trying to keep yourself occupied with the rest of your family, relatives, and friends. Try volunteering. It will be hard at first but will start getting your mind off of the situation. I was feeling down this weekend and went by my neighbors for a couple of hours. It lifted my spirits and I even had more energy, when I got home, and got myself involved in some housework with some music going, too. I could've sat and watched tv feeling bummed out but pushed myself and enjoyed. When I was in therapy, it took awhile, but one day I just said to myself," hey, what I want to happen isn't happening. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I'm going to find other ways to be happy and enjoy life." I do falter at times but I get back on track quickly. I hope you can find peace within you soon.
     
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