12 yo got arrested

[troubledheart]

my 12 year old got arrested this afternoon. they put him in a police car and took him into the local station and charged him with disorderly conduct. he swore at teachers and flipped over desks. I am a mess. they released him to my custody and we will get info from the county juvi system on when to go to court. we have therapy with the psychologist in 1 1/2 hours, he already knows that son got arrested. my son just told me that he didn't get arrested....he doesn't get it? wth???? i don't know what to do. i am supposed to fly home this weekend to visit my family. i can't go now. GOD
should i put him in the hospital? what do i do? i need to committ myself i think

Anyone with any experience dealing with this, if you cannot tell this is the first time he has been arrested.

 

[smallworld]

I don't have experience with kids being arrested, but in your shoes, I'd put a call into the prescribing psychiatrist ASAP. Something's not right with diagnosis or medications or both. Your difficult child needs treatment as soon as possible.

 

[troubledheart]

He has appointment with psychiatrist on the 18th, his therapist asked about it when we talked, i think that we are looking at hospitalization. i am sick to my stomach. stressed out. we were supposed to fly home on friday for the weekend, i haven't seen my family in over a year. i was really looking forward to it. if they hospitalize him, would it be bad of me to go anyway?? i feel horrible just asking that.

 

[WSM]

I have experience with this. difficult child was arrested at age 9, 10, and 11. He was charged with a felony (taking weapons to school) and convicted. Then he did it again, and they let it go. This morning he took rx pills to summer camp and they let him go again.

They gave him 40 hours of community service and insisted he go through a 'diversion program'.

They really don't want to put them into juvenile detention. 12 is too young and they would mix with hulking ghetto gang-raised 16 and 17 year olds. They can't guarantee their safety, and if anything actually did happen to him, there would be inquiries and lawsuits. Plus...They need the space/funding/beds for bigger more dangerous kids.

He might get a wilderness bootcamp program for a weekend or a week. Those are good (in my humble opinion).

Your son will be charged with a misdemeanor. It's more a school matter than a criminal matter. I imagine he'll plead no lo contendre. He might get a probation officer who will check him once in a while. They might mandate psychiatric treatment.

I am sure it seems dumb for me to say this, but this is probably not as bad as it feels right now. In my experience this is likely to be more one great big huge hassle, expense and inconvenience than anything life changing.

Is difficult child saying he wasn't arrested because they let him go so fast? Does he not realize this is just step one? My guess is, he's seen all the jail he's going to see on this matter. Please try not to panic. In the criminal world your son is an infant with a misdemeanor...

 

[WSM]

If they put him in the psychiatric hospital let the psychiatric hospital know you are going out of town. If they throw a hissy fit because they might release difficult child while you are gone, don't go. You can be charged with child neglect and abandonment if you don't show up at the psychiatric hospital to take him home when they want you to.

If they don't care, MAKE SURE THEY WRITE IT DOWN IN THEIR RECORDS THAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING OUT OF TOWN, and cleared it with them. Then go and enjoy yourself. I see nothing wrong with it, if the psychiatric hospital isn't likely to fuss about you being gone. Have a back up go pick him up if they discharge him while you are gone. Make sure that's written in their records too.

 

[Andy]

I can imagine your emotions running rampant right about now! How maddening, sad, disappointing, ect. Oh how can this kid do this?

I hope someone can find an answer. Your son is looking for help. He is scared and in denial. He thinks if he denys being arrested than it did not happen. He wants to undo it. I hope it opened his eyes a little on where the path he is on is leading him. I hope he starts showing that he wants to go in a different direction.

Take care of you. I hope you can take that trip. How long did you plan on being gone?

 

[BusynMember]

If he truly doesn't understand he was arrested, I'd be thinking that he has to have some sort of blip in his thinking--maybe he's on the autism spectrum. THose kids do not "get it" and often lose it when they are forced to do things out of their comfort zone. One difficult child in my daughter's study skills class (he has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified) is a REALLY nice boy, but when he loses it, he goes ballistic. He has assaulted the study skills teacher a few times and gotten into tons of trouble. Although he is academically bright, he is socially clueless.

You may want to have your son re-evaluated, unless he is pulling the wool over your eyes and really DOES understand he was arrested. But if he doesn't, I'd be wondering about Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified or Aspergers. Get him re-evaluated--we can guess here, but we don't really know. Take him to a neuropsychologist. Sorry about all this (((hugs)))

 

[troubledheart]

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand at all. I have 2 nephews that are autistic and have wondered for some time if he is AS. We are working with a psychiatric hospital in Milwaukee, they have a bed for him, I am just waiting for the call back from hospital on the go ahead to bring him over. I am exhausted.

His psychologist said that he needs immediate help and 24 hour supervision. My fiancee is going to drive us over as soon as we get the okay to go.

I have a terrible terrible headache. What ***** is that the law doesn't care if there is something not right in their brains. He is such a bright kiddo and has all A's and B's. He has no social skills at all and doesn't understand non verbal cues. He is nice to be around when he is by himself. I don't understand it at all.

I stopped at a church today to speak with a minister and pray, but they were closed. I didn't know that churches were closed. It is sad. I am sad, my son is sad.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ambersue, I am so sorry.
The psychiatric hospital could be the best thing. They can talk to him and get to the root of why or how he doesn't get it.
I agree with-MWM, that it's possible he's on the autism spectrum. Especially since you have other relatives on the spectrum.
It would make sense to take him off of the medications he's on and start all over. See what triggered his rage at school and why he flipped over desks. I'll bet he didn't understand what was going on, and someone changed the plan minutely, and he went ballistic because in his mind, the rules were changed.
There are SO many similarities between asperger's and bipolar with-little kids, it's so hard to tell the diff. But at this age, 12, it's a great time to start differentiating.
I repeat, this could be a good thing! You need to have a crisis to make things happen. That's what happened with-our son and things are so much better now.
People here can back me up--I used to write long notes when I was having meltdowns, crying while my son tried to break down my ofc door. We had the police at our house twice and we got very lucky that they had experience with-ADHD and had family members who did foster care.
We have come a long way. The right diagnosis makes a world of diff.
I think that your son doesn't get it, that he was really arrested, so you have to explain what it means, in a calm voice. Get a good night's sleep, and get your fiancee or a good friend or the therapist to sit there with-you to help you stay calm. Read the definition out of the dictionary if you have to. Have the therapist read the definition. Stay calm.
When your son starts to argue, listen to him. No matter how long he rambles. TEll him you see his point, but make sure you don't agree.
Then start over and read the definition and explain it to him.

 

[Andy]

If you feel the need to talk to a minister, go ahead and call him at home. This is a crisis and I know he will make time for you.

And as others have said, look at this as a way of getting your son the help he needs. It seems that often times our kids have to get to crisis mode before docs will listen to us. Your difficult child has just given a great proof of his need for help.

It is not too late to help him. The psychiatric hospital can help. It takes the day to day stress away from him and most kids thrive on the very strict structure of the psychiatric hospital. The rules are clear and strong and never waiver. It will help your difficult child gain some control before coming back home. It gives everyone a chance to take a "time out" and refocus on what is important. The problems will not go away but will will give everyone a chance to sit back, calm down, and start looking for an answer.

 

[therese005us]

I'm sending hugs, and prayers for you all.
If your son is offered hospitalisation, make sure you let them know that you are at your wits ends, and that you really need some time out to think and reshuffle yourself. Tell them, you are going out of town and exactly what time, phone numbers etc.
Ring ONCE over the weekend (if you get to go) to let them and him know you care and then, try really hard to relax and work things out for yourself. Boy, I wish I could do the same sometimes! You do need to breathe deep and take a break.
God Bless you, and I hope it al works out.

 

[Nancy]

I am so sorry and I know this is very stressful.

I doubt that your court system will send him anywhere for this offense. In our county juveniles are not really arrested for minor offenses. They are taken into custody and then depending on the circumstances, the juvenile detective can decide to file charges against them and send it to juvenile court. I'm sure your son equates being arrested with being handcuffed and put in a jail cell and since that didn't happen he perhaps does not understand the seriousness of it. It usually takes 2-3 months for the paperwork to come from downtown and a court date to be set, and in that time, they forget what they even did to get them in trouble.

Charges were filed on our daughter several times from ages 14-17 and we hired an attorney each time. The attorney can be the go between and advocate for your son. He needs mental health services, not jail. Once the magistrate learns of his background and issues, he will most likely release him to your care with a follow up to check on progress. The juvenile courts are dealing with much more serious offenses and if they know the parents and getting help for their child, that's what they are concerned about. Of course the attorney can make sure that is communicated. We had our difficult child's therapist write a letter to the court stating that she was in counseling.

I think perhaps you will have to change your weekend plans. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving at this time. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

Nancy