12hours to decide

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by burnt out, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. burnt out

    burnt out New Member

    Hi I have to to make a decision in 12 hours.
    My 22yrs old wants to come home and I”m not coping with the thought. Everyone who has been around through it all say dont do it, I have 3 other young school aged children all with Diagnoses that I’m struggling with. Others who haven’t been there think I’m a horrible person and mother, liek how could I not take him in. His father could take him as they have a granny flat set up under their house but they wont. My hubby and I have a small 3 bedroom house with one teenager in her final year of school who si doing well but has anxiety.
    Then I have two small children who both have disabilities they would both at 9 and 7 have to share my bedroom as the 22yr old would have theirs.
    22yrs old also has 2 daughters (my granddaughters) that he wants to gain custody of, with my help. he wont get to see his children much as we live 4hours drive from them, there is no public transport my son cant drive so I’m left to do the driving. It’s a 8hour day in just driving alone when we travel to see the girls. If he was at his fathers there are trains, it’s further away but there are trains.
    I really feel like I’m struggling one minute I feel like I can do this then the next I know I cant it’s too much, I have so much I need to be doing to care for my younger children, I feel like I’m choosing children over the other, but the 22yr old has totally warn me out, I’m exhausted I cant think about it all without crying. Years and year and years of hell with 22yr old one thing now and I’m a complete mess. How many times do you take them in have them stuff your life / world around before you know enough it enough. And WHY do I even care what others think don’t have the time to explain it all. I know I want to believe my son that he wont stuff things for us in this town but I cant, I want to believe he’d move home and everything be ok, but I know it wont from past. Others na the 22yr old want me to believe I’m wrong.
    Oh and then tonight 22yr old calls me to tell me how he went to a church camp and some guy was up talking and told him that every time he comes home when we talk to him about rules and what not to do, I put the evil out there so my son ends up cursed and does just what we say he will.
    Arhhh we also help him plan out ways to help him but now before he even arrives some fool has set him against us. What do I do when all my being knows it’s the wrong thing to bring him home.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Then don't let him come home. If you want him to have the strength to do what he should (get a job and support himself and take care of his kids himself), then you have to have the strength to do what you know you should too. If you give in and just let him come home knowing it will have a bad result, he can be expected to take the easy way out and give into what is easiest for him, too.
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    He's an adult. A man.

    You have children at home to protect and to take care of; their needs come first always. You have an obligation to choose THEM over him. If his presence will create anxiety and chaos, then you must keep him away.

    Others may have an opinion, but they do not live in your home and do not have your experience with him. Put on your rhino skin, as we say here, and if anyone ventures to say anything, make it clear they are to mind their own business. You have found a great place for support. This forum will help you stand tall and strong.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    burnt out

    IF some guy (assuming pastor or youth minister) said that, he needs to clam up and back off of areas he knows nothing about. The entire world has rules, including God, so if that's putting the evil out there so people are cursed.......well, that's just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's a lay the blame at someone else's feet deal.

    Bottom line. Your son is 22 yrs old. He's a man, even if he chooses not to act like one. He's grown and responsible for himself. You, on the other hand have children at home that need you.

    If you don't feel like bringing your grown son home is the answer, then don't do it. Don't let anyone else guilt you into feeling like you should do it. You know the situation and your son better than anyone else, only you are the one who are in the best position to judge what will work and what won't. Those that don't get it are ignorant of mental illness and the toll it takes on parents and families. And unfortunately, they're not going to understand because they've never lived the experience.

    I bet there are many ways you can help your son without moving him in.......without enabling his behaviors........as long as he makes the right choices. But at 22 he should be standing on his own feet learning what it means to be a man, not looking to you to solve all his problems for him.

    You do what you need to do for you and the kids still at home, and don't worry about what others think.

  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I can see that you do not want to do this for very good reasons...therefore you should not. -RM
  6. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    You didn't say how long he has been gone from your house, and why he has to now have a change of residence and is demanding you make a decision within the next 12 hours but I would say that if it is possible for him to live at his fathers, then he should go there and live.

    From what you have written, he has caused a lot of conflama in the past, you have two disabled kids already at home whose lives will be disrupted having to move into your room so he can have their room, now you will have more duties as taxi service. Assume he is not working so it will be one more mouth to feed (or three if he gets custody)

    If your gut is telling you his moving home is so not a good idea, then listen to it. There are other ways you can help him from a distance.

  7. keista

    keista New Member

    NO votes

    1. PPL close to you do not think you should bring him back.
    2. His father won't take him in
    3. you don't think he should come back
    4. your children have disabilities, and 22y/o being back would take much time away from them.
    Yes votes

    1. He wants to come back
    2. PPl who have NO CLUE think he should come back
    3. CRAZY pastor thinks you should let him back but even if you do you are still 'cursing' him, so this is actually a half NO vote.

    So, it comes down to simple math. 4 1/2 NO to 2 1/2 yes (#3 in yesses got split up to 1/2s)

    Ignore the ppl that don't have a clue. My BFF struggles with this and her brother who is BiPolar. His friends who are near him are always calling her (she is several states away) criticizing her for "not doing more" She can't. She has a family of her own to worry about.

    I know it's a tremendously difficult decision to make. I pray I'll never be in your shoes. But I think you know what the RIGHT decision is, but are getting stuck on all the 'guilt makers' in the background who have absolutely no understanding of everything that is involved.

    After rereading what you wrote about the preacher again, and the epiphany I had as I was writing out the votes, I think crazy preacher man's real message was, "Don't go home because you will just get 'cursed' again. (Stay out on your own and move forward)" So in essence, the man is right, but the message got lost on your son.

    Read through similar stories on this forum. Use keyword detachment.

    Strength going out to you in making this difficult decision.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    You do what you know is right - you protect the younger ones who aren't old enough or strong enough to be on their own. He's 22, he's more than capable of finding somewhere else to live. There's shelters all over the place he can get a bed at.

    He is not your responsibility.
  9. peg2

    peg2 Member

    We are praying for you; don't let him come home if it isn't the right thing to do. If you aren't sure, then it isn't right. I had to get a rest. order against my then 19 yr. old and if my oldest son mentions the younger one wants to come home, I cringe. Unless he has been in treatment and he has changed, then nothing will be different. It's devastating and has made me unhappy and with issues now, but when it has to be done, there is no other option.
    Good luck to you!!!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do any of the people who are judging you have an extra room that he can rent? Doubt it.

    I'm sorry you are under this much stress and I do understand (as do all the PE members!) that only the parent has the right to make the choices as they are the ones who are impacted. Do what your gut tells you to do. You know him. You love him. You have traveled the hard road with him before. I guarantee you the CD family will support you because most of us to really understand. Many hugs. DDD
  11. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    I have a dear friend who is a social worker and works in a dual diagnosis unit with mood disorder/chemically dependent people. She tells me all the time that her clients tell her that if their parents had been tougher on them they would have changed sooner. That as parents we have to operate OPPOSITE from our maternal instincts. That we have to be tough and hold them to standards that force them to be independent. That if we help them this time, they won't learn anything and will just repeat and repeat their mistakes and poor decisions. I feel for you. My husband and I are having to really hold to taking awful stands with our difficult child but doing it anyother way simply does not work. {{{{HUGS to you}}}}} We are all in this together
  12. burnt out

    burnt out New Member

    Oh my goodness thank you all so much. I didnt’ sleep all last night dreaming about it all.
    He was in a bad relationship, he took his children out of the house and decided he wanted better for them. he preached straight from the bible while I was trying to get information for him to help him, but couldn’t’ do much as all he wanted to do was read the bible to me.
    I said to him so this is your and your girls new start dont stuff it up. So he goes and gets into a new relationship moves her in with him and the kids and what do you know she is now pregnant. He has such high standards for everyone else but not when it comes to himself. Sex and children out of wedlock.... the mother of the children took her children back and has moved home with her mum, I say good luck I hope the mum can sort herself out. Her mother the children’s other grandmother hasn’t ‘stepped in before and was happy to have the baby on regular cows milk fro 6mths the baby was so sick she was producing too much fleam which she would be gurgling and near drowning in her own saliva as there was too much. They all need parenting skills....
    Thing is her side is saying that my son was living this same life till the two split then my son wanted to “do the right thing” which I think is in part true.
    Then my sons supporters are saying that he needs to get them back, as they aren’t being cared for... But I’m positive the other grandmother will step up now after loosing her grandchildren, she has been in their life from day one, I’m not there and haven’t been.
    There is great distance between us all.
    Where his father is there are trains that he can catch and other public transport. His dad is refusing to take him though.
    Where we live we are 3hours from the coast so to get out of our town I have to drive him 3 hours just to town, this is were his solicitor will be and the girls mother could meet us with her driving 1 hour with the girls to meet us.
    His solicitor is saying that unless he is home he wont have visitation as they are both parents that need support and the mum has it now she is home with her mum.
    My son has a place to stay tonight and that is it. So I’m meant to book this ticket and bring him up, with everyone else expecting me to run after him and go through years of court to save his girls that I don’t believe the court would see that they need saving, just the mother and grandmother needing some guidance.
    I feel like my son has sucked up every once of all I have, for years now as soon as soothing happens with my other children I’m a mess it’s like I’m full up and one little things tips me over, years and years of hell. Yet im told that he was just a child.... but hell they didn’t’ live it I really feel guilty I have nothing less weather I’m hopeless or not the fact remains I’m exhausted.
    Then I feel guilty and my partner said to me ‘well no-one els will take him we need to, but I know it will turn bad, he will come to town turn on us as always run us down to anyone and everyone that will listen and then leave at the first chance he gets.
    My sister in-law said he “he wont stay long just long enough till he can move out with his new girlfriend, you should do this and help him get those poor girls”
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Phhht, with what other people say.

    How is he supposed to learn from his mistakes if he doesn't have to live with the decisions he makes? And if no one else will take him in........well then I'd say it's pretty obvious he needs to doing some major growing up and learning to stand on his own two feet. He can't do that back home with you. If he has no where to go, there are homeless shelters. If no homeless shelters, well then actually I guess that would be more motivation for him to get his act together.

    I don't see why one earth people would be telling him he needs to go for custody of his girls when he currently can't take care of himself, let alone current girlfriend. But I guess it's easy to say what someone should do when you're not the one having to do it or live with it.

    Your son made the decisions that got him to this point, let him figure his own way out of the mess he's made. As for the girls, sounds to me like they're better off where they're at, at least for the moment.

    I really don't see any reason for you to get involved. If it were me, I'd just say sorry there is NO room at home. Which actually IS true. And let him handle it.

    Sorry you're being svcked into the drama.

  14. burnt out

    burnt out New Member

    i completly agree with what you have said. he said the camp was all about standing on your own two feet.... basically he was saying when I say X he does it, and as someone else he said he is just putting the blame to others (something like that)
    you are all so wonderful if I had time I'd meantion each post and that you all, so much of every post has spoke to my heart you all know have been here and get this for what it is. I'm now looking for emergencey housing for him, he is going to be so angry! which tells me that I have done the right thing cause if he was here and something didn't go the right way for him he'd be angry in my face. this is so much better for him to be upset with me over the phone.
  15. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Why can't he look for emergency housing for him? You should figure out how much your time is truly worth per hour and send him a bill.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Your son is an adult now and his kids are his responsibility, not yours. Your first and foremost responsibility is to your younger children. It also sounds like you have faith that the other grandmother will do right by those kids, and you don't really know how things are with the mom etc... but you do know your son and he does not sound responsible himself so would he be the best parent to care for those kids? i don't think you really know the answer to that and certainly all the bystanders don't know that.

    I think it is really hard when our adult children, who do not act like adults, are hurting and need us. We want to step in and take care of them because no matter how old they are we are still their mothers. However just like with a young child you sometimes have to encourage them to be more independent, the same is true with an adult child. It does not do them any good to come home and be dependent on mom, it really doesn't.

    You are so clear in your posts that you know the right thing is not to let him come home.... that it is better for you and better for your other children for him not to come home. It may be harder to see that it is probably not right for him either. And all those people who havent been there, phooey on them... they just don't know. I think people who have not been through this really can't imagine what it is like.
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I agree with the others, I would not compromise the well being of the other children for an adult.

    It would help us on the board if you could attach a sig to your profile, so we can be better able to help you.

  18. burnt out

    burnt out New Member

    sorry I didnt' want to be identified as I have given friends links to this site and used it before. I changed the age of the younger two they are 5 and 7 not 7 and 9.
  19. burnt out

    burnt out New Member

    I did it I told him he cant come home, he is devastated. I feel so bad like I’m going to have to seek psychiatric help which I’ve had to do before after years of being warn out. I had cognitive therapy.... what if I have done the wrong thing? What if this is the time that he pulled it all together? And I abandoned him or he hurts himself cause this has to be the lowest he has ever been. I think I will die be locked up.... how do I live with myself? This is really tuff I feel like I’m heading for a brake down. I know if it went to **** and he was here my boys and daughter would suffer a well. so I have to be ok with that, but it's so hard. thanks for everyone that is here for us.
  20. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((((HUGS))))))) You are very strong to do what you have done. I know it hurts, but you have 2 little ones you need to focus on.

    We could all drive ourselves insane playing the "what if" game - for any situation. The best we can do is what is best in the moment. in my opinion you did that. I very much admire your strength and perseverance to do what's right for the most people involved.