13 year old is lying

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shar, Jun 19, 2007.

  1. Shar

    Shar New Member

    I feel so sad right now. My 13 year old difficult child has been lying. I hate my space, but I'm glad I watched over his shoulder and saw his password.

    Last night, the phone rang at 2:30 am. It was a mother of my difficult child's friend. She wondered if I knew my difficult child was at their house, wandering the neighborhood. She said my son, hers, and a few other unknown teens were walking our neighborhood for no good reason. Unfortunately, she also told me one of the other people might be a girl who babysits my children. I'm sick about this.

    How can I trust again? His my space messages had one sent from my difficult child to this other boy telling him to get out of the house at 1 am and meet up. They boy replied that he snuck all the way over to our house and got spooked because a car drove by. He said he was upset (not his word) because he had 2 cigs and dropped the lighter. This after my son guarenteed me he does not smoke, that the cigarette smoke on his clothing is from another friends parents.

    Is there hope? Is there a pill? He is already grounded this week because he raised his voice to me. He is classic ODD and ADD at school. He actually took a pin and scraped a cross into his hand. I told him it is not normal to self mutilate. I have a message in to the therapist. Is this typical teen behavior--to be so rebellious and think they are invincible? He did not see any danger in walking the neighborhood at 2AM!
     
  2. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I would say it was typical, but only from my experience as a teen, not from my kids. Both my brother and I snuck out at unsafe times in the night. I think 13 is about the same age I tried cigarettes too.

    I hope things get better for you and I hope you can get him to understand the safety issue. I can't say it ever sunk in with me until I had my own kids. I'm sorry, I'm sure that really doesn't help reassure you any.
     
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I honestly believe it is the age, odd, add and I do believe it is a normal rebellious way some of these kids are now. I had a similiar experience and my difficult child was only 11 at the time. Just turned 11. Only difficult child told me. Turns out the friends house he was to stay at turned out to be a big party at a girls house. No parents home. Girls mom was a bartender and didn't get home until 3am or later. Where they went is not a good neighborhood and there is a bar directly across the street. difficult child told me they all went over there at 2am and stuck their faces on the windows of the bar!! He saw no danger in this. difficult child said all these people smoke pot. He bought pot for this girl when he was 10. He got caught, confessed and even gave the name of the seller. Now he has been threatened for 2 years. I did not forbid him from these kids. Was very, very watchful. He, on his own, stopped speaking to them and has a whole different group of kids now. I do not believe him to this day. It has been about a year. He knows I check on him. I always tell him I know many people and I WILL be checking. I will accompany him to movies, swimming, parties..whatever if I cannot confirm situations. I brought him in for drug test about once a month for 6 months. I have a home drug test from Walgreens. I want to trust him, but until he stops lying (which he still does) I need to ensure he is safe. So, I confirm, show up places, make phone calls. I do what I need to. he is getting so much better. (knock on wood)
    I honestly believe your difficult child really saw no danger. Mine wouldn't either.
     
  4. Shar

    Shar New Member

    Thank you. I was, proudly, a "goodie goodie" when I was a kid. I saw no harm in this and only wanted to please my parents and feel good about myself. I wasn't perfect, but I respected the way I was brought up. I learned from my mistakes and hated being grounded. I wanted to be good to avoid that.

    Bringing up my difficult child is such a challenge. My husband, their stepdad, only interjects when the situation gets out of hand. The boys were very disrespectful when we first married 3 years ago. My younger one, 11, is not rebellious at all. the 13 year old difficult child pushes all the wrong buttons. He even said to me, as we were watching a COPS type show, that one day he'll probably end up in jail.

    I'm trying to wake him up, but all he cares about is himself.

    thanks for listening
     
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    lol. I was a "goodie goodie" also. My parents thought I was doing all these things like drinking, smoking, taking "uppers" to wake up and "downers" to go to sleep. I never did any of those things. I got good grades. Didn't have many friends and was home most of the time. My friends would dare me to say the "s" word. Then if I did they would all laugh, because I just never used bad words. It has been such a challenge with difficult child that I haven't thought about that in a long time. Even when we did go to the park, or walking around, I believe it was much safer way...back then. Parents didn't have to worry as much as we do today.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't agree with the other posters. Sneaking out of the house at 2 in the morning, smoking cigarettes, and cutting is not normal behavior for a 13-year-old. In fact, I see it as definite difficult child behavior.

    My difficult child started down a bad path at 13. Up until then she was a total easy child.

    We didn't realize what was happening until she was an older teen. I rationalized it away as typical teenage rebellion. By the time my husband and I realized what was happening she had moved on to drugs and shoplifting.

    My advice is to get help for your difficult child now. By the time we acted, it was already too late.

    ~Kathy
     
  7. Shar

    Shar New Member

    I agree with Kathy about my situation. I do not feel my difficult child's behavior is simply rebellious teenage crap. I think he either needs (even) more attention or he is suffering from depression. I do not think what he is going through is normal. He has always been a child who wants to be in the spotlight and have a group of kids following him. He misbehaves at school and doesn't care at all. He gets detentions, suspensions, and bad grades.

    I am currently making an appointment with a psychiatrist, even though we see a therapist. I think it's time for medications.
     
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I have to say I agree with Kathy.

    There are rules. Some house rules, some town laws, some national laws. If the house rule is, you do not sneak out of the house, then you do not sneak out of the house. If the town law is, 13 year old's curfew is 10PM, then 13 year olds need to be in the house at 10. And the national law is that you need to be 18 to smoke.

    You see parents taking kids who act like this to court on TV. I am bracing myself...mine is 6 and already I am sure that this is what I am in for...

    I wish I had some advice for you, Shar. Hugs and support is what I can offer instead.
     
  9. Crazy-Steph

    Crazy-Steph New Member

    I don't know. I think it is normal behavior. Don't misunderstand, it needs to be nipped in the bud. But I remember sneaking out of the house just to wander the neighborhood streets sneaking cigarettes with my friends. I just never got caught. :smile: I would still do the checking up thing and the verifying thing, but I wouldn't worry too much.
     
  10. Tezzie

    Tezzie Member

    OK, here's my 2 cents. difficult child 1 has been lying since he was at least 11, he will be 16 in 2 days. I trust him on some things but not on others. I would say this is a difficult child thing mostly & probably goes along with sneaking/stealing. Have you checked your wallet & booze lately? We've had to lock up anything we don't want difficult child to get... & guess what, we found out 2 days ago he can pick the lock on the cabinet where we were storing the chips, chocolate, coke, & sugar.
    My policy is, check up on everything, congratulate him when he does tell the truth but trust him as far as I can throw him... which isn't far!.

    Short leash, mean Mom time.

    Tezzie
     
  11. Shar

    Shar New Member

    I had a long talk with my difficult child last night. I found out that one of the people involved in walking around the neighborhood was the babysitter. Her mom came over my house last night to discuss the situation. We had a great talk and we both understand it was a stupid thing to do, but we both believe our children that they do not smoke. There was no damage done to anyones house--just poor judgement on each of their parts in leaving their houses during the night.

    I made it perfectly clear that my difficult child may NOT leave the house after 9pm. He understands and feels badly about what happened. One of the friends he was with is not allowed to hang around my difficult child any longer. I feel bad because, although wrong, they were just being teens.

    On another note, there were 3 other people involved. Luckily my difficult child and the sitter made it home. The other 3 got caught by the police and have to go to court. They even called a friend to come pick them up and he got arrested for being out past curfew. They will probably all be in some juvie trouble, even though all they did was go out late.

    my difficult child has been banned from the computer for a while. I will constantly monitor his computer usage. I want to trust him but can't. I listen to what he says but know, deep inside, I am only hearing part of the story. His name is Connor and, unfortunatley, he is a "conner"--constantly trying to weazle out of every situation and talk his way out of what he clearly has done wrong.

    I do hide things and put them in places he will not look. I hate the fact that I have to do that but I don't want him easy access to something that might cause him not to be able to say no.

    thanks--Sharon
     
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