14 year old step-son is scaring me

[susiestar]

Daisyface has an excellent thought on the Duty to Warn laws. I actually don't know what they are around here.

I DO know that in my state EVERYONE is a mandated reporter of child abuse. Every. Adult. And they DO go after adults who don't yell and scream for help.

Is it at ALL possible to put hidden cameras in the home to record this childs actions? That might make some things more clear. Or not, but it is an idea.

Why does your wife think that it is okay to cover up this child's actions? Is this what normal is in her mind? Is she just so overwhelmed and even scared by biofather and this child that she feels she must cover things up?

i really, honestly pray for all ofyour safety from this difficult child. I can fathom part of your fear. I HATE that this boy is so sick, damaged, whatever you call his state. I wish we could give more positive feedback on the situation.

Even if your wife will not report to the police or child protection (I am not a fan of theirs either, by the way), YOU still have some obligations, even if they are for self protection.

She does not HAVE to notify if you will. Be sure you have enough cash and a bag of clothes and personal supplies stored in your car. You need to be ready to get away with nothing else at a second's notice. Just like a spousal abuse case you may become a HUGE target and may need to escape just to keep safe.

Keep copies of credit card statements, social security info, etc... all stored somewhere away from the house. Even if you have to take a cheap storage locker to keep stuff in, it would be worth the monthly fee.

Take care of your safety and keep your eyes open. I am so very sorry things are so bad.

 

[FlipFlops]

As mentioned, keeping a paper trail is important, even vital. Should you become investigated by CPS, the law, or whatever, the paper trail may be the only thing that gives you credibility. Your reputation will still suffer, but you might avoid jail.
As for the mom, a thought just occured to me. Maybe she wants someone else to take charge but won't admit it. Maybe she secretly wants you to report it but is scared to say so. Whatever her reasons, you should report it though.
I also wanted to mention something about the other kids, neighbors included. If you had grown up in that house or lived next door to them, how hurt would you be that no one tried to protect you? That someone knew what he was capable of, but looked the other way. I know someone whose brother raped them several times and she is very resentful of her mother.
If your wife can't bring herself to do it, you need to. If she gets all mad and bent out of shape, chances are part of her will be grateful.
Be strong and do whatever you have to do.

 

[Marguerite]

The forensic psychologist he has seen told us not to report it, as it would only make him resent us.

He already resents you. So what do you have to lose?

Also - did YOU hear the doctor say this, or is this what your wife told you he said? A parent in denial only hears what they want to hear.

You are in danger, yourself, of being accused of being the problem. So in order to protect yourself from inappropriate accusations, YOU need to ensure a paper trail is in place. YOU talk to the police, off the record to begin with if you feel you must, ask them what you should do. Or talk to them and report the past incident, ask the police to note tat you reported it; that way if there is an escalation of problems and the boy says you're lying and only choosing to make it all up NOW, you will be able to go to the police and THEY will have a record of your reporting, over a period of time.

If your wife is in such denial that she won't allow you to let anyone know, then eventually it will all boil over and everyone gets scalded. At that point you will find yourself leaving and reporting the problems.

You wantto keep everyone safe - standaing guard is not the most effective way. Are you prepared to lose your wife in your attempts to keep her and other children safe? How much could you sacrifice for her?

If you really do love her so deeply that you want to help, then YOU need to report it even in the facce of her fury. Of course talk to her about it first, but YOU are the man of the house and not this out of control child. YOU should be able to insist that the people under YOUR roof can sleep securely.

You have that right here.

I hear you, about not wanting to leave; what would be accomplished. As you said, I agree - I don't think your wife would 'get' the message, she would actually lose one person who is trying to keep her in touch with the harsh reality of the situation. But you are getting hooked in to her unreality, by being talked out of reporting.

I'm glad you talked to a counsellor of your own. You got good advice.

I'm concerned about this boy's doctors. He has three doctors, but all of them seem to have theier heads inthe sand. Why would such parents take a kid like him to ineffective doctors?

1) Maybe the doctors are not so ineffective, but you're not being told what they're REALLY saying;

2) Maybe these are the only doctors who tell the parents what they want to hear;

3) Maybe these are the only doctors left who aren't totally terrified by this boy.

I've known parents in denial, who when told by some of the best specialists in their field what they didn't want to hear, would remove their child from the care of those good specialists and go to someone else where the patternwould be repeated. The parents would be told what they didn't want to hear, the child would be removed from the care of that doctor (again!) and the child would be moved on. Eventually the standard of care available to that child was outside the usual specialty (no specialists left in that modality) and was at a fairly incompetent level. The doctors at that level were desperate enough to keep their patients, so they worked out what not to say to the parents, to prevent the child being removed from their care. So the parents were at least being told what they wanted to hear.

The boy's father sounds very unstable, verty dangerous. Some mental conditions are hereditary, in that the tendency to be that way can be passed on. There are still things that can be done, but not if the problems are unrecognised and untreated.

Good luck with this one. Talk to someone in authority, get their opinion on what you should do - then go do it. Even if it jeopardises your relationsip. Here you are, trying to not damage your relationship but tis boy is doing a lot of damage - so how far will the boy go, to damage your relationship, that his mother will allow? What will she do if she has to choose betyween you saying, "We have to report this, I will do it even if you throw me out," vs the damage this boy is doing to everyone?

If she would rather throw you out than report her son, then you need to be out of tis relatiosnhip because she is not sufficiently committed to you, to save you when the false accusations begin to fly.

And if false accusations fly and get beleived - then again, no help will be available for the family. But you will be gone (by legal decree) and this time, YOU will have the (undeserved) record.

Please don't let that happen.

Marg

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Hey, Marge, hi!!!
Ok, I'm guessing that the kid isn't telling all to his therapists and I'll bet his mom or dad minimized the molestation. Maybe they weren't told at all. It is beyond my comprehension that any professional would not report it himself. Wacky.

I doubt that telling the police would help. Don't know how your police are out in Oz, but ours are possibly going to think that he is coming to them BECAUSE he is doing something wrong...kind of covering for himself in advance. The last people I'd trust with this are the USA's finest. I call them when I need help, but not to get them to understand a budding psychopathic 14 year old who may accuse him of sexual abuse. My guess is they'd immediately jump to the conclusion that he already did it. Don't know for a fact, but certainly wouldn't want to take the chance. We have an aggressive CPS here. If there is a hint of sexual abuse, even before it is proven, the kids are removed and you are sort of considered guilty until proven innocent. It's unfair, but I've seen it happen, especially in foster care. And the non-biological parent is usually the bad guy--steps are notorious for sexually abusing kids--they are the most common abusers (and live in boyfriends). Therefore, even the good guys who are step-parents and live-in boyfirends are looked at with suspicion when an allegation is made. This man is putting himself in a bad situation in my opinion if he goes near the police other than to report the boy's molestation. THAT in my opinion he has a moral obligation to do for the sake of other kids in the community.

in my opinion this man is taking on something he can't control. Both bio. Mom and Dad are giving this kid a pass for atrocities. If they both turn on him to save the offender, he hasn't a prayer. Our system is all screwed up. I can't imagine that this man can do anything to save himself if this child (with his father cooking it up) cries sexual abuse. I think he should get out, no matter how much he thinks he can save them. If Mom doesn't want to save her family from this boy, it's a lot like an alcoholic in denial--nothing will change. He can try to help her from afar--maybe get his own place, but stay in communication. If I were him, I'd be outta there. Like yesterday.
Hope your having a nice day (which is a day ahead of us ).
Others may disagree with me too...

 

[Marguerite]

OK, that sounds like another cultural difference. Here, in this situaiton, it would be worth "picking the brains" of the local cops, as to what a bloke should do in this situation. If he explained that he's been in the house for only 3 years but this 14 year old boy did what he did in the bathroom and then shook his genitals at the stepdad - that (at least here) wouldn't sound like an abuser trying to cover his tracks in the event of an accusation. If abuse is at all responsible for the boy's behaviour, it would have been abuse going back a lot further than three years because that is very infantile behaviour; abuse victims tend to be 'locked in' at some level, to the age when the abuse happened.

IN this case then - nomad's counsellor has made some strong suggestions, plus should have made good notes on what he has reported. Did you tell the counsellor everything? Can you make sure the counsellor has it recorded? If so, then ask what you should do (and hope you get told! In my experience, counsellors respond with, "What do YOU think you should do?" and are NEVER so helpful as to suggest what you could do.)

NOmad, I agree with MWM and others on this. Unfortunately, you're in a very nasty position. YOu may be right, the boy may never try the sexual abuse claim on you. But he might. The thing is, when cornered he could do or say anything, and when the chips are down, you don't know which way his mother will respond. You love them and want to keep them safe - but if YOU are not safe, you can't save them. You can only save them, if the mother allows it. If, when the chips are down, she is likely to choose her son over you - then they cannot ever be saved by you and the sooner you know this, the sooner you can be safe.

Buf it she IS likely to accept your help, then again - the sooner you report this, the better for you all.

Reporting this could lose her. If it does, then you never had her firmly in your life.

Not reporting this could lose everything, it certianly won't salvage anything.

You;'re caught between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes there is no easy answer. There's just hard answers and harder answers.

If tihs is meant Occupational Therapist (OT) end, then the sooner you can get on with your life, the better. And if this is meant to stop, then the sooner you can get on with a GOOD life WITH this family, the better.

Marg

 

[klmno]

What bothers me most is that he touched his mother inappropriately, deliberately, and she has not done a single thing to address that- if I read correctly. I don't know what I would do first and have not had to deal with that (thank God)- but I find it very sick that this mother hasn't done ANYTHING about it. What kind of message does that send to the kid? I'm not sure it's true psychopathy if no one has ever taught him right from wrong. And teaching requires more than lip service with no enforcement. Truthfully, the mother should be addressed more than the kid, in my humble opinion.

Think about it- if a 14yo girl touched an adult male inappropriately- an adult male authority figure who never enforced rules- and the male did nothing to stop the girl, what would you make of that?

 

[BusynMember]

Most kids inherently know not to violate other people. A psychopath knows he is doing wrong (this child certain does--he plans it), but does it anyway. Psychopaths can actually come from good families although often they don't. Sometimes the wires just don't connect where the conscience should be.

I do think this kid is a dangerous psychopath--there are many kids who are not vigilantly taught right from wrong, but how many kids molest their own mothers? Animals? I never had to tell my kids not to do those things. They just knew better.

I think this child is a danger to all who cross his path--stepdad, his own biological parents, his sibs, kids in the neighborhood, babies, innocent pets. His only hope (and it could be futile, but it's worth trying) is out-of-home placement for sexual predators. The clock is ticking. He's not getting any younger nor any better and he will be more dangerous to all as time marches on. I feel for his siblings. Watch them leave as soon as they turn eighteen to get away from this child.

 

[AnnieO]

I know that for quite some time, his bio father would reward him during visitations when his behavior at home was terrible. His younger brother reported to us many times concerning the rewards. In several cases, the 12 year old was punished by his bio father for sticking up for his mom when she was being slandered at the bio fathers house.

This is frightening to me because it happened to me. The difficult children' biomother rewarded difficult child 1 for doing things like destroying property, getting violent with us, stealing, etc. etc. etc. We knew it but could never prove it. We still cannot even though difficult child 1 herself has told us about this (she finally saw what her mother was doing to her and her brother). Our house was in a constant state of fear and lockdown. I finally had to find a counselor of my own. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm going to say the same as everyone else. GET OUT. If the child's mother won't... You can only help yourself... And he is going to end up getting you arrested, likely for something you have not done. Report all of the incidents. Documentation is key. Tell the police that the mother will likely deny. Tell them everything. because - let me tell you - once a man is accused (women too, but men mostly, it's not fair but that's how it is) - it never goes away. Not ever.

Let me mention something else that could be used against you. Statistically speaking, the most likely person to abuse a child is the biological mother's partner - and the least likely is the child's biological father. It is fairly obvious to me that this is patently untrue in your case, but it can and will be used.

Call the police and get yourself a safe place to go. NOW.

 

[TerryJ2]

Nomad78, what happened with-the discussion on Thurs night? Have you made any progress?
We have made huge strides with-my son, but we still lock my ofc door (where we keep foods that difficult child is allergic to, as well as electronic equip he is usually grounded off of), and we gave easy child a lock and key to her room.
Also, my husband is on the same page now. He was in denial like your wife was, and it took a lot to get him on the same page. Not just the same page, but consistently. The two of us together have made a much bigger difference than just little ole me.

I hope your stepson hasn't acted up since you started this thread.
I'm sending luck and good thoughts.