14 years old and this is normal behavior..NOT

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Oct 28, 2009.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I know many are going to say, he's a typical 14 year old, but if that's so, then he's been 14 for 14 years because he's acting the same as always, just more intense. I wish I knew how to handle him. He does absolutely not ONE thing I tell him to do.....ever. Not one. Really. Every single second he's home it's a battleground. "Take your medicine. No. Pick up your room. NO. Don't torture the dogs. OK...(does it anyway.). Eat your dinner. No. Get into the shower now. No." I guess you get my drift that all the not otherwise specified were him. I've taken away ALL the things that I thought were important to him, but he doesn't care. I suppose that's the part that scares me the most. There is no consequence that seems severe enough to make him think twice about misbehaving. If I order him out of my bathroom (where he crawls on the floor while I put on my morning makeup), he crawls around the hallway and trips me as I walk by. He shuts the dogs in the bedroom and locks the door......so they start scratching up the door. He laughs. He locks me out of the house. He pounds on everything and I mean everything......it's SO annoying and he's relentless with it. We bought him drums to help alleviate the urge, but he pounds on them AND everything else anyway. He has no respect for me or his father....nor our home. He scratches up the paint on the walls, he slams the front door hard enough he's broken two panes of leaded glass, he eats in his room (strictly forbidden, but he does it in the middle of the night) so there's food all over the carpet and he throws things into the ceiling fans just to watch them fling whatever it was across the room!

    I guess this is a vent. I just wonder when he finally grows up????? When will he ever realize that WE are his parents and THIS is our home? I'm so tired.....and this goes on every single day nonstop.:sad-very:
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, this sounds like I'm proposing a overly-simple solution and you might have already tried it anyway. But when my son got like this, I took him out by ourselves a couple of times and just told him I loved him and I'd like for him to tell me what is going on with him and told him if he wanted to talk and tell me what's wrong, I would listen. No lecturing, grilling, etc., no bad attitude from me. Then, I chucked the "behavior plan" because it obviously wasn't working. After a couple of weeks of being a "neutral" mom who had stopped lecturing, fussing, dishing out punishments, asking questions nd being angry, he opened up to me a little. Then, we discussed things he would like to have, do, whatever, and discussed my objectives about keeping him safe, rules for being respectful, etc., and set up a system where he earned what he wanted by doing what he was supposed to. Only things that were clearly unacceptable, unsafe or illegal got punished and those things were not even written in the reward plan. It didn't always work, but it helped a WHOLE lot. And, I gave bonuses if my son took initiative to tell someone when/if something was bugging him and discuss it rather than acting impulsively or inappropriately. Now, the rewards were little things, but he only had to take small steps to get something and this way, he didn't have to wait long periods to get something good in return.

    Someone here also recommended a book - "How to talk so your kids will listen" or something like that- it is supposed to be great for parenting a teen. I bought it but admittedly, have not read it all yet. I tweaked the concept of The Explosive Child and that helped.

    If all else fails, duct taping to the bed until he turns 18yo will have to do. (JK!)

    ETA: Let me add that this does not mean I think you did something wrong that caused this situation. But when things get turned into all negative behavior and parental reaction over a period of time, it seems to take calling a truce, cleaning the slate, and trying a different approach to improve the relationship and try to get the kid back on board again. If this doesn't work, has he broken the law enough to start calling the police? This is a lst resort but sometimes it is warranted and the only thing that works.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2009
  3. kaynlyss

    kaynlyss New Member

    Sounds like my 8 y/o....
     
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If it's not working, chuck it. If consequences make no difference, if nagging achieves nothing but your frustration - stop. It's bettter to never engage in a confrontation, than to engage - and lose.

    A kid who is that stubborn, has the innate capacity for self-discipline. The trick is, getting there from here. But YOU can't do it for him; he has to do this. All you can do, is support instead of trying to coerce.

    He's like a stubborn mule who digs his hooves in when you try to pull on the reins in a particulardirection. But if you slack off the reins a bit, chances are he'll be willing to go wherever you want him to, especially if that's where his curiosity lies. And if he wanders in a different direction - well, he's got to end up in the kitchen some time. He's 14, and they eat A LOT!

    One thing I've learned about teen males - when they get hungry, you'd better have food available fast or they can get really cranky and unreasonable. I think it's a blood sugar thing, it does show up in different ways.

    You ned a key to get in to him. Being the food provider can be a really good key. Not that I'm suggesting you withhold food from him. Of course not. But there is a difference between providing food to survive on, and food he really likes. Of course it needs to be healthy too (always) but you DO have a lot more leverge than you think. Don't withdraw as punishment, but provide as reward. Also, if he earns a reward, do not withdraw it once earned if behaviour subsequently is bad.

    The banging into stuff, trashing the place - sometimes it's deliberte, sometimes its thoughtless, sometimes it's clumy kid who doesn't know his own limits, sometimes it's a hyperactive kid who just can't keep still and stop form fidgetting.

    A good friend of mine raised a boy like this. Not strictly a difficult child but he definitely had his problems. Accident-prone, definitely. And he would break things, constantly. Her leadlight front door - he slammed it. Or actually, his sister slammed it on him, just as he put his hand out to stop the door from slamming. Very expensive. Sister - VERY much a difficult child.

    The thing is, he survived to adulthood (mum didn't kill him despite considerable temptation) and now has a great job (a bit unusual, but right down his alley) which pays brilliantly. He's almost 30 now, just got married. He still fiddles with things but he knows what he's doing now. If he breaks it, he knows how to fix it. He learned how to use tools and helped fix his mother's front door.

    difficult child 3 slammed a door at his grandma's and broke a pane of glass. husband made him help fix it. Not a punishment, but a consequence. We waited a weeke or so, but then difficult child 3 had to fetch a piece of paper and pencil and help his dad measure te space. Dad explained what has to be done in terms of how you replace a small pane of glass. They worked out where you order the glass from. Took a piece of the glass to match the original (it was patterned and coloured). You get the idea. And whenever difficult child 3 said, "I'm not doing this!" we asked him, "Then who is? Grandma? SHE didn't break the glass. And she's not really able to do this for herself. Your dad? He didn't break the glass either. And anyway, how do you think Dad knows how to do this, eh?"

    We got a grin from difficult child 3 (because he realised Dad was once a little difficult child too) and togehter they got on with the job.

    This is another thing that often works for us - together. If I help difficult child 3 with a job, then I expect him to also work alongside me to help me with a job. I began doing this with jobs I knew he would quite like (such as picking snow peas - except no peas get into the house, he eats them all) more for the lesson in cooperation than anything else.

    You may feel like te chattel of the house, the drudge, the slave to the male appetite. But think about the power you really do have. If not for you, what happens? How do people get fed? What about washing? What about all sorts of things? If you're busy/preoccupied/uunavailable, what's the first thing to go wrong around the place? It will be different for different people, but you control far more than maybe you realise.

    Make it obvious to your son. You will not be doing him any favours by shielding him from the knowledge of all you do for him. And maybe he needs to learn the hard way. "Son, I've got to go out to buy stuff to replace the things you broke. It will take me some time. There's food in the fridge - cold cooked sausages, some tomatoes and lettuce. Fix yourself a salad and a sausage or two for lunch when you're hungry, I'll be home just in time for dinner."
    He has to cope, or go hungry. OK, he might eat the sausage cold (it's OK, it can be heated up too if he wants). he might be inventive and wrap a heated sausage in a slice of bread and slice up the tomato and shred some lettuce. Or he might make a sandwich with slice sausage, tomato and lettuce. But chances are he'll grab a couple of cold sausages from the feridge and eat them standing there at the door, maybe grab a tomato and eat it like an apple, then walk away feeling like he's not had his lunch. But he WILL have eaten and his body will know. And maybe next time he will pay a bit more attention.

    As long as the calories go in, it doesn't matter to his stomach how they were prettied up first.

    You need to be more unavailable. He needs to be doing more for himself. If he doesn't put his washing into the laundry, then it stays dirty. If he stays dirty, his friends or teachers will comment. If they comment to you, tell them he has to learn and this is the only way. What I do - I did it last night. "I'm putting on a load of washing. WHat do you want washed? Bring it to me!"
    difficult child 3, who didn't want to stir himself, said, "I'm fine."
    I said, "I haven't had any undies from you in a week. And you played tennis in those clothes this afternoon, your coach gave you a thorough gallop around the court and you've sweated in them. Strip. Now. Or wait a week and need to deodorise your own clothes."

    He knows what that means - he has to stand in the laundry and spray his clothes with vinegar from a spray bottle, then put them in the tub.

    Now, if I can only get him to have a bath...

    Marg
     
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you as I know how frustrating this can be. My difficult child is a pounder too. Doesn't matter what or if someone has a headache. One thing that I did recently is start to do a silly dance every time he starts to "drum" at times I wish he wouldn't. He starts laughing and leaves the room so I will stop:) Of course, this will only work for awhile. My difficult child is one who even as young as first grade told his teacher; that worked with me yesterday but won't today. My difficult child is still that way about everything.
     
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I've dealt with some of this in the past and still am for a bit of it. I guess I'm a little more hard nosed about some of this stuff because my initial reaction was just a teensy bit harsher than the other responses so far.

    So...let's break this down.

    Morning makeup - lock him out. There's no reason he needs to be in there. If he pounds on the door, put a radio in the bathroom with your favorite music and crank it up.

    Crawling on the hallway floor - Request he moves so he doesn't get stepped on. If he doesn't.....natural consequences....he may get stepped on.

    Locks the dogs in the bedroom - Who's bedroom? Not just because of this but also due to his lack of respect and regard for everyone and their belongings, you might want to consider putting key locks on internal doors and remove his door.

    Scratches the paint - He touches it up. If he can't be trusted with wet paint, then he does other chores to work off the cost of paint and someone else doing the labor.

    Food in his room and in the fan - Remove the fan. If he's destroyed the carpeting that bad, pull it up and replace it with something that won't matter if he ruins it.....indoor/outdoor carpet or the fake grass stuff. For that matter...that's something you can use. If he won't abide by your rules, respect the household and everyone in it, use his own stuff as a consequence. Remove everything from his room, and I mean EVERYTHING, that isnt' a necessity. All he really needs is a mattress, pillow, blanket and his clothes. If he wants his things back, he needs to earn it. The only downside to this is that you a secure space to store his stuff.

    Slamming the front door - This is a hard one but maybe you could put some sort of doohickey on it to keep it from being slammed. I can picture what I'm talking about but can't think of anything more technical than doohickey.


    Otherwise....the only thing that comes to mind is whether or not he's had a neuropsychologist evaluation. If you've tried various medications and treatments and nothing has helped him, maybe you don't have a correct diagnosis. I realize that medications only go so far....as I've told my difficult child, they get you to where you need to be to do the rest yourself. If he's at that point and is REFUSING to do what he needs to....I honestly don't know what will work. We're dealing with that here and I have yet to find a solution to it.

    Hugs. I get it.
     
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    MY difficult child is very simlar. What I have learned most of the time is not react, choose my battles. I do not pleasd,beg and avoid power sturggles. She is not living here and it is exhasuting. I focus heavily on paraise, love but firm, firm bboundaries. Whaat is maddening is the typical teen (typicla teen ) behavior flips back and forth and genrlly comes out with most people. Unless someone is very, very expeirnced (lucklu wr e have pdic and tdocs that are), it is me, not her -ha,ha, ha. I need a lot of time to take care of ME. Compassion
     
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    I have had to majorally lower expecations. The behvior anlayst has rally helped me with that and the pycologist. I start thinking ehwhen she acts typical teen, igt can be remotely like that. It works better when I just pick a few of the major things. For months, it has been medication adherence, not givng her more oney,etc. than we say we will , keeping us safe, protecting us time and money wise, telling her I love her daily, being in frquent contact. More recetly, adding in shcoolwork. For next week, up to 40 minutes a week. She gets to choose how that is divided up. I try to find positves and express those daily. Compassion
     
  9. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    All of you are SO helpful. Most of all I like having an EAR to listen to me. Thanks for being such an awesome group!

    Our mornings have gotten so bad that last night I told husband that difficult child must get up before he leaves for the office so he can help me get him in the shower. difficult child won't like it and the fight will be on, but maybe he'll figure it out that I can't handle the obstinance alone. Just to tick me off difficult child gets into the shower at 8:05 and the bus comes at 8:15. Ahhhhhhhh, it drives me crazy.

    Last night, husband told him he would do the dishes every single night alone till he can be more respectful. He did it, but we'll see if it works. He just seems to not care what the consequences are. The scary part is that his bio father is the same way, has been in prison three times and about to go again. I SO don't want that for him!!! We are very aware of nature vs nurture.

    I'm still tired.
     
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    My reaction was about the same as mstang...

    If he's this bad, then why is he allowed the "priviledge" of having access to the kitchen in the middle of the night? Why is he allowed to have carpeting and a ceiling fan and all the other stuff he's disrespecting and destroying?

    I think you have to take some drastic measures--not only to get his attention but to protect your own sanity.

    ((((hugs))))

    --DaisyFace
     
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    OK, at this age I would let the school issues have the natural consequences. If he's late for school, that's his and the school's issues. Try not to get mad, remind him, or anything else. I think these boys know that their moms don't want them getting into any trouble and they emotionally blackmail us with that. Natural consequences work wonders when we can let them work and issues pertaining to school and friendships are good places for them.
     
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I might have missed this part being discussed, but in my home, if difficult child was going thru a period of having "difficult child issues", it would do no good whatsoever to tell him he didn't have the privilege of going to the kitchen, especially during the night. I could only enforce consequences like taking him somewhere, reporting him, not giving him money, etc. In no way could I "trust" him to follow a consequence on his own.
     
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O quite right!

    What I meant is that you don't "tell" difficult child not to do something--you simply remove it. If I was finding food being stashed/stored/consumed in the bedroom (which happened in our household)--after a discussion, and then a warning, and then a "consequence"...it is time to block access to the kitchen--especially at night.

    In our household, sneaking food from the kitchen is no longer as issue--not because difficult child has changed her ways, but because she no longer has the opportunity. Yes, it's a hassle living with the locks--but on the other hand, I know that when I buy food, it will still be there when I want to prepare a meal for the family.

    by the way--We STILL find food being stored and stashed in difficult child's bedroom....she's getting it from the school. So in addition to locking our own kitchen, I have to do periodic bedroom inspections and backpack checks. There are consequences if I find food/snacks.

    So often with our kids, we hope for them to "snap out of it" and start behaving like a "normal kid"....but maybe we just have to reconcile ourselves with "normal for us" ?

    If the child cannot/will not change their behavior--we have to respond to that reality.

    --DaisyFace
     
  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm going to offer you Fran's famous saying "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got".

    Normal is not a figure of speech parents of difficult children can use. We need to use less typical parenting techniques. Our little "wonders" are, because of their disorders/illnesses, more immature. You cannot expect a difficult child to get themselves off to school, stay home alone, remember the social norms. It's just not in them.

    Having said all that, if your difficult child doesn't shower at night he goes to school smelly. It's his choice & peer pressure may force him into following the rules. I love natural consequences & at this age peers are a wonderful learning tool. I'll say the same if he gets stepped on in the hall.

    I'm sorry I can't address all of the issues - just some things to think about.

    I'm sure you've read the Explosive Child; may I recommend Parenting with Love & Logic for Teens. It works better for my tweedles however I use something from each of the books.

    (((hugs)))) this morning & I hope things settle.
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with some things from many above...locking food, stepping on him if he is in your way, etc. I also realize that what you are venting about is the bigger picture here. The utter disrespect that is happening and what that forecasts for his future. If this teen cant reign in his behavior now at home, how on earth is he going to obey authority when he gets out in the real world?

    Answer is he wont. Or most likely is he wont. Either he is fooling you and just putting this huge act on at home and really does know that authority cant be messed with but you as his parents just wont put a stop to his behaviors or he really is not able to control is impulses and he will end up doing something stupid in the real world where no one gives two hoots that he has some diagnosis. You live in a very harsh state for juveniles. He is two years away from being treated as an adult for any offense even shoplifting. If he cusses someone out and steals a pack of gum, he will be arrested. Taken to big boy jail. Maybe this will make an impression on him...maybe not. If he is like my son, it will take quite a few trips to the courthouse and days in jail before he figures out they arent playing with him. Maybe your son will get a good probation officer the first time out so he learns it fast. Took my son till 22 to get a good probation officer. This guy rocks!

    I dont know...I dont think you are looking for what to do about keeping him out of the bathroom or making him take a shower. Maybe I am wrong. You have had problems with your son for so long. He has been so difficult and I dont know what the answer is with him. I do think he is going to have to come up with that answer himself though. You have done everything you could possibly do. With some kids it is genetics. He will have to make that choice but only he can make it.
     
  16. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Janet, you are so right. I hate the day-to-day chaos in our home, yet it's "normal" for us most of the time. He's just been over the top lately. I'm mostly worried about the bigger picture and what IS going to become of him? He resists authority, though that resistance is primarily at home (his biggest fans and most enthusiastic teachers). We just had an ARD for his IEP and all the faculty complained of was keeping him on task. Oh yea, and we medicate him for school, so we take all the UNmedicated behaviors. He just canNOT have more medications than he's taking.

    Yes, we will be able to say we did all we could, but I love him sooo dearly and to have NONE of it work will break my heart. He doesn't know his bio father is in prison yet again, maybe it's time he knows. My take on it is that the bio father has self-medicated all his life and all it does is get him thrown in prison. Sad....very, very sad. I'm so glad we adopted him, there's no tellin' where he would be now if there had never been any interventions.
     
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Go through "Explosive Child" and see if there's any ideas there you can use. The thing is - too often we snap back into what I call "normal" parenting and "normal" expectations. that's when the oppositional behaviour really begins to return, lightning fast, in our house. Added in is an even greater degree of resentment and entitlement from the kid, as well as a sense of justification for behaving badly. I've found that I can turn it back fairly quickly by returning to the "Explosive Child" principles, and the longer we stay on the green the more he can tolerate the occasional slip. Esepcailly outside the home. But it is at home where he needs this in place more consistently.

    Anyway, that's our expereince. Coupled in with it, is we tolerate a lot more immature behaviour than other people would, simply because we recognise he IS more immature. When we're out I tend to shadow him, but as subtly as possible. I find my own reason for being nerby. For example at tennis coaching, my reason for being therfe might be to relax and read a book (or do Sudoku with iPod buds in my ear, but iPod not on so I can hear everything). Or if I feel I need to be more 'resent', my reason for being there is, I walk around the court (including outside if necessary) and return balls to the coach by kicking them back to wherever her washing basket of tennis balls has been put. The coach is really grateful because ti saves a lot of class time. And my public reason for donig this is because I need the exercise. So it means that if the other kids are finding difficult child 3's "banter" a bit disconcerting, I can steer it back a bit with my own rsponse to lighten it. difficult child 3 is now socially smart enough to pick up on my cue that although he may not have meant it, what he said was a bit upsetting, and he will then qualify what he said and maybe follow it up with a"well done" to the other kid next time they hit the ball back where he can't get it.

    It's wearing to always be there joined at the hip. Some kids won't tolerate it. I think difficult child 3 tolerates it because I've made sure it's useful for him. However there have been times when he's said to me, "I want to go out by myself. Please don't come with me." So I stay home and wait, and hope he's safe. If he comes home safe we're all happy. If I'm still really concerned, I'll find a reason to go out myself ("I just have to drop in a casserole to my friend,") so I can quietly cruise and check. Generally though, these small indpendent excursions are necessary for him to slowly learn his capabilities. Also increasingly with tennis (example again) I can leave him with the coach while I go off and do other things. The coach understands what I'm doing, she's cool with it. Because I did spend time hanging around, she's learnt how much pressure to put on him to do what he's told, and when to back off and let him do it his way (and get it wrong) so she can finally say, "NOW will you try what I suggested?"

    Regarding washing - I've been nagging difficult child 3 to have a shower and wash his hair, for weeks now. He did wash his hair for his sister's wedding (that was four weeks ago now). But not since. Now he's a teenage boy, so what does this mean? Every morning and evening he wears deodorant. I bought him industrial strength. So smell hasn't been too much of a problem. But back acne and face acne has been really bad. He's a picker, and has been asking me to get acne on his back that he can't reach. I finally said to him, "YOu od realise that your greasy hair is adding to the problem? Look at where your acne is worst - in your hairline and your scalp. Then around your forehead where your long hair covers it. You need to wash your hair."
    He agreed. But nothing happened.
    I tried reminding him. "You need to shower and wash your hair tonight." But he would be caught up in gaming and forget until way past his bedtime, then complain he was too tired to wash. "OK, then back acne is your lot in life," I said.

    Last night I said to him, "You haven't washed your air since your sister's wedding. You need to wash, for too many reasons. You need to have a shower or a bath, now."
    he replied with, "Bath, please!" and I realised - he will happily bathe every night, he doesn't like showers. So I ran him a bath (saves water if I do it, I get the temperature right, easy child 2/difficult child 2 took her thermometer with her - I kid you not, these kids want their bath run at a secific temperature! Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is part of this, in our house). So I use my experienced hand as substitute for the bath thermometer and when I turned of the bath GFG3was in the bathroom like a flash and I could hear him splashing around for about 45 minutes, obviously enjoying getting clean. Oh yes, and I use bubble bath, and no soap goes near the tub. That way the tub stays clean (gets cleaned with every wash) and so dfoes the kid. Any extra lather needed, they use a drop of bubble bath on a washcloth.

    OK, a 15 yo shouldn't need reminding and shouldn't need a bath drawn for him, but again, he's not the typical 15 yo.

    And the positive natural consequences - he feels clean. His hair looks clean. His skin will be a lot less trouble for a few days.

    So in our case, the problem had an alternative solution, at least for now. A lot of the time with him, it's because he's got into a routine of not doing something and we need to get it incorporated back into his routine. medications, for example - on a normal morning, difficult child 3 getds up out of bed, goes and takes his medications immediately. Then he lets his budgies out and goes to start up the games. At 9 am I nag him to start schoolwork; by 9.30 he usually is working. Still in pyjamas. at 10 am school educational TV is on for an hour. He gets dressed quickly then has his breakfast while he watches TV. When it finishes he gets himself back to work very quickly, and keeps working until his tummy rumbles for lunch at about 2.30 pm. I shove a sandwich (or a re-heated meal) at him which he scoffs down then gets back to work. Today I will be out, so difficult child 3 will either get himself instant noodles or his own version of nachos (cooks in ten minutes, eaten in one) by about 3 pm. I know he will work while I'm out, because he has his major Maths exam in two weeks and he's panicking about not doing well. He has other major exams, he should do well there (he'll pass on class credits alone) unless things go badly wrong in the exam (ie he panics) in which case we'll file for misadventure. But Maths - he has revision to do plus he has to log what work he gets done. And the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) component means he can't lie about this to his teacher. He might lie to me, but not to himself or to his teacher.

    These kids need different handlnig. It dpednds on exactly what is going on underneath. difficult child 3 generally seems (to the outside world) to be somewhat odd, but a decent, kind kid at heart, who tries to please people and tries to be nice. They don't see the rages and the apparent insolence. We can't react to it the way we would with a "normal" kid. he's not normal and he doesn't get it the same way. He gives back the exact same behaviour he recieves.

    Try this for an exercise. Pay special attention to how you talk to your friends. How you talk to people you meet in passing who you don't know well. How do you talk to your boss at work? Now pay attention to how you talk to your son. Your partner. You do this without thinking, it's second nature. For a lot of difficult children, especially the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, this is NOT something they can understand. For them, the simple rule of thumb is to do unto others as they do unto you.

    And they are the kid with the problem, so WE, the adults, have to be the heroes here. WE must be the ones to change our manner and show the respect to these kids, that we want them to show to us. And do this in the teeth of extreme disrespect, at least in the beginning.

    People observing will think you've gone mad. But unless you have a devious, manipulative child, this works.

    I have to dash, it's a busy day for me. But I'm following this thread because I recognise the extent to which tis is tearing you apart.

    See? Your problems have spanned the globe here. They are not insignificant!

    Hugs!

    marg
     
  18. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I sit up and listen when you talk (write), Marg. I'm going to get out The Explosive Child and reread it. You may be right in that I want him to be normal sooo badly that I may be reverting to treating him like he's a normal, bigger-than-me, 14 year old young man.....and he's not. :( I try really hard to remember that he's very immature....as his peers go off and leave him, physically, emotionally, and mentally. And because they ARE going off and leaving him, he's clinging to me when I think he needs to learn more independence. It feels like a vicious circle.

    Too bad the world doesn't know how difficult this is...to have this handsome, handsome young man who is physically becoming an adult, but who has all these internal issues and we as their parents work years and years to make them the best they can be. Yes, my son is joined at my hip out of necessity most of the time, but often because he just wants his mommy.

    Thank you so much for caring......all of you.
     
  19. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Ugh -- that can be sooo exhausting. :faint:

    Here's my theory: Typical teens rebel to demonstrate their independence from their parents. difficult children who are extra-close to their parents need to rebel even harder to make their point.

    Actually, that's not just my theory; it's my experience.

    (((Hugs.)))
     
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