Go through "Explosive Child" and see if there's any ideas there you can use. The thing is - too often we snap back into what I call "normal" parenting and "normal" expectations. that's when the oppositional behaviour really begins to return, lightning fast, in our house. Added in is an even greater degree of resentment and entitlement from the kid, as well as a sense of justification for behaving badly. I've found that I can turn it back fairly quickly by returning to the "Explosive Child" principles, and the longer we stay on the green the more he can tolerate the occasional slip. Esepcailly outside the home. But it is at home where he needs this in place more consistently.
Anyway, that's our expereince. Coupled in with it, is we tolerate a lot more immature behaviour than other people would, simply because we recognise he IS more immature. When we're out I tend to shadow him, but as subtly as possible. I find my own reason for being nerby. For example at tennis coaching, my reason for being therfe might be to relax and read a book (or do Sudoku with iPod buds in my ear, but iPod not on so I can hear everything). Or if I feel I need to be more 'resent', my reason for being there is, I walk around the court (including outside if necessary) and return balls to the coach by kicking them back to wherever her washing basket of tennis balls has been put. The coach is really grateful because ti saves a lot of class time. And my public reason for donig this is because I need the exercise. So it means that if the other kids are finding difficult child 3's "banter" a bit disconcerting, I can steer it back a bit with my own rsponse to lighten it. difficult child 3 is now socially smart enough to pick up on my cue that although he may not have meant it, what he said was a bit upsetting, and he will then qualify what he said and maybe follow it up with a"well done" to the other kid next time they hit the ball back where he can't get it.
It's wearing to always be there joined at the hip. Some kids won't tolerate it. I think difficult child 3 tolerates it because I've made sure it's useful for him. However there have been times when he's said to me, "I want to go out by myself. Please don't come with me." So I stay home and wait, and hope he's safe. If he comes home safe we're all happy. If I'm still really concerned, I'll find a reason to go out myself ("I just have to drop in a casserole to my friend,") so I can quietly cruise and check. Generally though, these small indpendent excursions are necessary for him to slowly learn his capabilities. Also increasingly with tennis (example again) I can leave him with the coach while I go off and do other things. The coach understands what I'm doing, she's cool with it. Because I did spend time hanging around, she's learnt how much pressure to put on him to do what he's told, and when to back off and let him do it his way (and get it wrong) so she can finally say, "NOW will you try what I suggested?"
Regarding washing - I've been nagging difficult child 3 to have a shower and wash his hair, for weeks now. He did wash his hair for his sister's wedding (that was four weeks ago now). But not since. Now he's a teenage boy, so what does this mean? Every morning and evening he wears deodorant. I bought him industrial strength. So smell hasn't been too much of a problem. But back acne and face acne has been really bad. He's a picker, and has been asking me to get acne on his back that he can't reach. I finally said to him, "YOu od realise that your greasy hair is adding to the problem? Look at where your acne is worst - in your hairline and your scalp. Then around your forehead where your long hair covers it. You need to wash your hair."
He agreed. But nothing happened.
I tried reminding him. "You need to shower and wash your hair tonight." But he would be caught up in gaming and forget until way past his bedtime, then complain he was too tired to wash. "OK, then back acne is your lot in life," I said.
Last night I said to him, "You haven't washed your air since your sister's wedding. You need to wash, for too many reasons. You need to have a shower or a bath, now."
he replied with, "Bath, please!" and I realised - he will happily bathe every night, he doesn't like showers. So I ran him a bath (saves water if I do it, I get the temperature right, easy child 2/difficult child 2 took her thermometer with her - I kid you not, these kids want their bath run at a secific temperature! Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is part of this, in our house). So I use my experienced hand as substitute for the bath thermometer and when I turned of the bath GFG3was in the bathroom like a flash and I could hear him splashing around for about 45 minutes, obviously enjoying getting clean. Oh yes, and I use bubble bath, and no soap goes near the tub. That way the tub stays clean (gets cleaned with every wash) and so dfoes the kid. Any extra lather needed, they use a drop of bubble bath on a washcloth.
OK, a 15 yo shouldn't need reminding and shouldn't need a bath drawn for him, but again, he's not the typical 15 yo.
And the positive natural consequences - he feels clean. His hair looks clean. His skin will be a lot less trouble for a few days.
So in our case, the problem had an alternative solution, at least for now. A lot of the time with him, it's because he's got into a routine of not doing something and we need to get it incorporated back into his routine. medications, for example - on a normal morning, difficult child 3 getds up out of bed, goes and takes his medications immediately. Then he lets his budgies out and goes to start up the games. At 9 am I nag him to start schoolwork; by 9.30 he usually is working. Still in pyjamas. at 10 am school educational TV is on for an hour. He gets dressed quickly then has his breakfast while he watches TV. When it finishes he gets himself back to work very quickly, and keeps working until his tummy rumbles for lunch at about 2.30 pm. I shove a sandwich (or a re-heated meal) at him which he scoffs down then gets back to work. Today I will be out, so difficult child 3 will either get himself instant noodles or his own version of nachos (cooks in ten minutes, eaten in one) by about 3 pm. I know he will work while I'm out, because he has his major Maths exam in two weeks and he's panicking about not doing well. He has other major exams, he should do well there (he'll pass on class credits alone) unless things go badly wrong in the exam (ie he panics) in which case we'll file for misadventure. But Maths - he has revision to do plus he has to log what work he gets done. And the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) component means he can't lie about this to his teacher. He might lie to me, but not to himself or to his teacher.
These kids need different handlnig. It dpednds on exactly what is going on underneath. difficult child 3 generally seems (to the outside world) to be somewhat odd, but a decent, kind kid at heart, who tries to please people and tries to be nice. They don't see the rages and the apparent insolence. We can't react to it the way we would with a "normal" kid. he's not normal and he doesn't get it the same way. He gives back the exact same behaviour he recieves.
Try this for an exercise. Pay special attention to how you talk to your friends. How you talk to people you meet in passing who you don't know well. How do you talk to your boss at work? Now pay attention to how you talk to your son. Your partner. You do this without thinking, it's second nature. For a lot of difficult children, especially the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, this is NOT something they can understand. For them, the simple rule of thumb is to do unto others as they do unto you.
And they are the kid with the problem, so WE, the adults, have to be the heroes here. WE must be the ones to change our manner and show the respect to these kids, that we want them to show to us. And do this in the teeth of extreme disrespect, at least in the beginning.
People observing will think you've gone mad. But unless you have a devious, manipulative child, this works.
I have to dash, it's a busy day for me. But I'm following this thread because I recognise the extent to which tis is tearing you apart.
See? Your problems have spanned the globe here. They are not insignificant!
Hugs!
marg
Of course, this will only work for awhile. My difficult child is one who even as young as first grade told his teacher; that worked with me yesterday but won't today. My difficult child is still that way about everything.
