14 Yr Old Daughter on the fringe.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Centurion, Dec 20, 2011.

  1. Centurion

    Centurion New Member

    Daughter 14 yrs old with many issues like I've I read on this board. Swearing, late texting, dis-respectful, temper tantrun when not getting way,defiance, no supper, no sleep etc etc. On a different note, she comes home every night, not drunk or stoned (yet)and she is not physically mean to little brother.

    1st year High School. She won't take bus---too early. I drive her to school cause my work is 1 block away and I want her there.
    If she's not in the driveway by a certain time, I leave. She pushes it always and lots of times she almost makes me late.
    She can then take city bus and make it just on time if she runs from the bus stop. When this occurs, she usually makes it to school a couple hours later

    As a result she has missed a ton of classes. Detentions resulted but now the school is backing off becasue suspension is next.
    She wants me to lie to the school but I just say "No Excuse". She used to be a competition swimmer. Now she sometimes hangs with under acheiver kids and they don't appear to be all that sharp.

    I see the soap operas, I see the peer pressure. These kids are immeresed in B.S. 24/7 thanks to high tech garabage (Yes I have scorn for Txting and Facebook).This is like giving an alcoholic a jug of whiskey and saying just turn it off. I can't take cell phone away because things blow up and mother (7 hours away fro last 8 years)phones cops and social workers from afar. I think the child needs medications but she won't talk to anybody cause it's all stupid. I know you folks have heard and lived with most of this stuff like. Can anybody offer a road for me to follow? Seems like noone (school, my councillor etc) will help until she really screws things up.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board, but sorry you had to come here.

    Teens are very difficult and tricky to both figure out and to parent, if they are troubled. Was your daughter always this way or has she recently changed? Has there been any drama between you and Mom? Can you give us a rundown on her story? Also, I always warn all parents of teens who are screwing up that kids are very good at hiding drug use. Can you be certain this isn't a factor? Doesn't sound like she has a good group of friends...what exactly do they do when they are together?

    Others will come along as well. Welcome again! :)
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I have the same questions as MWM. If it was rather sudden, I would strongly consider the drug use issue. That would explain a lot. If there have been other issues in her past, there could be other explanations. Without more info about her history, I am very reluctant to offer any advice.

    You HAVE come to the right place for support and information from many parents who have been where you're at. I have found it helps keep me sane amongst all the turmoil in my life. Welcome to our little corner of the cyber-world.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    been there done that.
    And yet - when difficult child really does drop off the cliff... they STILL don't offer help.
    Right now... the problem is yours.
    When they mess up majorly ... the fault is yours.

    She's 14. (automatic UGH. Hormones)
    High school - first year, a typical point for kids who haven't blown up yet, to blow up.

    Wonder if maybe there 's some issues and challenges that have slid under the radar for too long?
    What has her school history been like?
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HI! Just joining in on the welcome. Hope you check in frequently. Lots of folks here who can relate and have walked the walk before you. HUGS, Buddy
  6. Centurion

    Centurion New Member

    Thanks for the welcome and responses. Mom lived far away since 2004. Just visited from time to time and i let her take house for weekends.
    Now mom phones lots but it's complicated. Kids don't want to live with her. Mom's an AA person. Immeresed in program. She grew up dirt poor, divorced, dead beat dad and welfare mom. Father died from being a drunk when she was in Gr 4. Mom claims sexual abuse fom mother's boyfriends (seems like a scene from a movie but who knows, maybe it';s true). As time goes on mom seems to digress and is more obtuse......can't see her AA programs doing much good.She hates me more and more.I did nothing but neglect her due to work sked and moving.
    She grew up with police calls and children's social workers. Whenever there is a blow up i.e I try to take daughter's phone away etc. daughter phones mom and mom phones cops and social workers. That's the only drama. I dont drink or go out very much. Just sports and work. I did not drive my daughter hard in sports. I know a few things about kids, school, etc and how diferent it is now. Anyhoo, daughter was top 1/3 class till Gr 7 (new school new town etc). She slipped half way thru and Grade 8 she had a hard time making it to class. She managed and is in the top level Grade 9. She is managing againg buit she goes out all most every night, her room is trash and she does very little to help with chores.
    I can see her getting 50% in class. She is on that damn cell phone texting 24 /7. Her mother pays for the phone but thats it. No child support since Jan 2004. I have an 11 year old son. Of course he's just like a yellow lab and everybody loves him except his sister. Yes her nose is out of joint over brother since the day he was born..but only in front of me. There's more..she claims no drugs.....how do i find out?
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    My sister just took her daughter for a physical and as part of the labs they did a drug screen. NO drugs but she wanted to know.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Lets see if I have the story straight...
    Your daughter used to live with Mom, through grade 6.
    In grade 7, she came to live with you, switching towns and schools, and by half-way through the school year, she was "headed downhill".

    Switching schools, towns, friends, social life, order to life, absolutely everything... just as hormones are kicking into full force. Not quite the absolute worst year to move (that would be gr 4/5), but it is a HUGE transition.

    There is probably more going on... some of it may be "ordinary" stuff, like bullying...
    But... I think she has good cause to be struggling.
    Try looking at the last few years from HER perspective, and see what can be done to make changes that will improve her lot?

    Don't try and fix the behavior so much, focus on fixing fixing the relationship - because, you're going to need that in order to survive the next few years.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, drug screens aren't perfect. There are drugs that don't show up, and the kids know which ones they are. in my opinion the best possible explanation for your daughter's turnabout is drug use, since she was a good student before and is suddenly slipping. Have you ever checked her room when she wasn't there? Her cell phone? Her FB? It's important to know if she is using drugs or hanging with kids that do because that's a problem that escalates. If you can stop it early, that's best. We could not...but I still urge others to try while they still have some legal control over them. Drug abuse is often in the DNA. You are more apt to be an alcoholic or drug addict if your bio. family had problems that way. And, honestly, every thing about your daughter's behavior screams "drugs." Of course, I don't know for sure, but she is sure exhibiting the signs. Here is a good article about drug use and how to spot it. For us, the only thing that would apply in the following link were the behavioral issues. She never had track marks or looked flushed or anything, but she wasn't injecting drugs either and she did it mostly at night, when we were sleeping...it is still a worthy article.


    For our teens, an easy way to deal with a so-called "bad" background, such as divorce, is to find other kids who had the same stuff going on and then to self-medicate with drugs. My daughter did this. There was no clue before her drug use began that she would ever abuse drugs, but a divorce and a move away from her home town made her depressed and lonely and drugs was a way to belong somewhere, albeit not to a good crowd of kids. Soon the drugs became the #1 problem in her life...and ours. She started at twelve. We hadn't a clue until she was fourteen and got busted. Can we all say "stupid, clueless parents????" Altogether now....that was us.

    (Sigh) I'm sorry things are tough. I know how it is (too well). Hugs!
  10. Centurion

    Centurion New Member

    Thanks Hugs

    Both my daughter and son have lived with me since split. Daughter was 6 and son 3. My how time has flown.

    We moved after the split 3 hours North and had a pretty good life. Kids adjusted just fine.

    I lucked into a great job in a town 4 hours to the west and seem to be pulling off most of the logistics of raising two children in a new town whilst assimilating a giant learning curve for work.

    We are OK with meeting new folks and this town has good people. There are lots of drugs here like most towns unfortunately.

    I don't run ragged trying to hide her from society. Just try to give her slogans of wisdom. I stay up on her safety in a responsible way.

    She swears like a biker when she's having a bad day and she is defiant when i ask her to do anything.

    After her blowouts, she typically treats me as if nothing happened. I sometimes think of the old Sibil[sic] novel.

    Just tonight she had a blow out throwing a clock radio at her bedroom door which has glass panels and one got broken.

    She was deep into a texting and a voice exchange on her Blackberry. So again the drama filled teeny-booper soap opera is alive and

    well. I did not freak out at her destroying yet another piece of the house that I worked so hard for as a single parent. I don't know hjow to discipline her.

    I think she needs professional help badly. I don't want her to run to her mom. It will jeopardize all that I worked for financially and logistically. I am preying for a miracle that she will someday turn the light bulb back on. I am trying to get siome stratgey on what to do.
    I have a councillor but she and anotehr one I went to just like to talk. No action plan.

    Daughter won't even consider talking to someone. i tried 3 times now. I asked the school councillor to look into things and she did but seemed to be enamored with my girl and basically brushed me off. I'm not good at articulating my point of view.

    My daughter is defiant, disrespectful and a manipulator. She appears to have very few life skills and can't handle pressure like a school assignment these days. She wants to home school herself. She is athletic, pretty and can be very sweet. She seems very shy in public.
    Her Gr 8 teacher said she got ribbed a lot in class and did not handle it well. Sorry I'm throwing it all out there.

  11. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    To me it sounds like she might still be bitter about moving and all the changes that come with it and she might even be doing what many kids in her position have done (my nephew included)....pit one parent against the other (manipulate) to get what they want (self-gratification) regardless of what it does to the other people (self-centered). It may be intentional but sometimes it can be subconscious. It also sounds like she derfinitely has the "wrong" kind of friends. Add them to the mix and...wow....

    Personally, and I am only speaking for myself here, the phone would be gone and the kid would be grounded (mine aren't allowed to leave the house without their phone so if they "lose" the phone they lose the freedom also). If they leave, police are called.

    I don't know what to tell you. I have always been a single parent so my kids didn't have any adjustments there and we have always lived in the same town so nothing there either. I DO know that if she won't talk to anyone, you can't make her but you CAN make her follow your rules. That's about all you can do. I can't speak from experience so all I can do is offer my support.