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15 year old daughter now sexually active and I don't know how to handle this!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 464477" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We went through something very similar. I had thought I had explained it to the kids, had made it clear that having sex was an adult choice which brought adult responsibilities but I was there to help them through it when they decided to make these choices. I also talked to them about the emotional fallout of a sexual relationship - it can be simply summarised as "guys give love to get sex; girls give sex to get love." And where this clashes, is when one or both of the kids does not have the emotional maturity to handle the fallout of 'getting physical'.</p><p></p><p>What happened with our girls - easy child was about 15 or 16 first time. She had been going out with her boyfriend for over a year, closer to two. It was a long-distance relationship which meant there were times when she visited him in his home town and was out of our supervision. I trusted his family, but NEVER underestimate the determination of really desperate kids to sneak around and get past whatever vigilance is in place.</p><p>I worked out what had happened when easy child, two days after returning from a visit to her boyfriend, developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). It was a long drive from our house to the nearest doctor, I used that time to probe, get a confession and explain sorrowfully that if she had confided in me of her intentions I could have given her the information she needed to protect herself from UTIs. The doctor reinforced my advice. We then set up more involved appointments ("if you want the fun, it comes with responsibilities") to sort out contraception, pap smears, sexual health counselling, etc.</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, easy child broke up with her boyfriend soon after, and I do think the pressure of the sexual relationship was a big factor. She was utterly distraught, having sex just tied her to him even deeper emotionally, and some guys find that too much to take, they did not expect it as a consequence of sex. And the girls can suddenly become more needy and demanding, often jealous, because the relationship has ramped up to a level that they simply are not ready for emotionally. Especially the guy. easy child did get back with her boyfriend; they broke up again a year later then got back together again and stayed together. Now married and expecting their first baby.</p><p></p><p>Then with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - "round heels" was the best way to describe her. We knew her first serious boyfriend wouldn't know what hit him emotionally. We knew they were having sex from the expression on his face - a sort of delighted, ecstatic surprise. The stunned mullet look. We had warned her of the emotional fallout, in this case on the guy. We actually caught them in the act, at which point I read her the riot act (for not being careful enough of a very emotionally vulnerable guy). I got her to the doctor, organised the Pill, pap smears etc as for her sister. But the damage was done. She stayed with this guy for the next 18 months but he became increasingly needy and whiny, as well as using a lot of emotional blackmail. It was the only way he knew to respond emotionally. Eventually they broke up. I had organised Gardasil for her in this time, she was (for various reasons including availability) unable to complete the course until after she began going out with (ie sleeping with) her new boyfriend. She had been with new boyfriend for about a year when a pap smear identified abnormal cells. It took another two years but she finally had a colposcopy to remove a Stage IV pre-cancerous lesion. She wants to have kids one day and was terrified that this would complicate things. She was married by this time (to the second boyfriend, now SIL2) and he was blaming himself for giving her HPV (he had been sexually active before he met her). But it is too soon for HPV caught from him to have led to such an advanced lesion. No, we finally worked out (and his behaviour since has confirmed it) that it was the first boyfriend who gave it to her.</p><p></p><p>So how to handle it - above all else, adult pleasures bring adult responsibilities. The break-up does sound like it is related to them taking this next step, and one or both was probably not able to handle it responsibly. If nothing else, I would sit them both down together to resolve differences. Even if they continue to stay separated, at least clear the air as to why and how they broke up. Conflict resolution, primarily. Part of it could have been her becoming more emotionally demanding. or it could have been him getting overly possessive. it's what often happens when children have sex before they're emotionally mature enough.</p><p></p><p>Next step - sexual health. Gardasil shots if she hasn't already had them. Regular pap smears (and remember our experiences - if we had not insisted, easy child 2/difficult child 2 could now have full-blown cervical cancer). Contraception. Emotional sexual health. Emotional sexual responsibility.</p><p></p><p>The kids have made their choices and you can't unring the bell. Your daughter is now a sexually mature and active individual. You can't put the genie back in the bottle but you can monitor her continuing maturity and help her to make healthier sexual choices from here on.</p><p></p><p>If she won't confide details in you, ensure she will do so with the doctor. Find a doctor she will talk to, and until she's an adult, make sure she knows the medical bills are covered. Consider it an investment in your daughter's future.</p><p></p><p>I took my kids condom shopping. In Australia we can buy them in the supermarket, they're next to deodorants and hair conditioner. I discussed choices with the kids - ribbed vs unribbed, flavoured, coloured. I told the kids to not waste their time with "ribbed for her pleasure" because the vagina doesn't have enough nerve endings to make it worthwhile. Not at that level. And to avoid the banana-flavoured ones, they're vile. Then I bought a large quantity and ensured that the kids helped me with the groceries at the checkout.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure it bought another couple of years of celibacy in my kids!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 464477, member: 1991"] We went through something very similar. I had thought I had explained it to the kids, had made it clear that having sex was an adult choice which brought adult responsibilities but I was there to help them through it when they decided to make these choices. I also talked to them about the emotional fallout of a sexual relationship - it can be simply summarised as "guys give love to get sex; girls give sex to get love." And where this clashes, is when one or both of the kids does not have the emotional maturity to handle the fallout of 'getting physical'. What happened with our girls - easy child was about 15 or 16 first time. She had been going out with her boyfriend for over a year, closer to two. It was a long-distance relationship which meant there were times when she visited him in his home town and was out of our supervision. I trusted his family, but NEVER underestimate the determination of really desperate kids to sneak around and get past whatever vigilance is in place. I worked out what had happened when easy child, two days after returning from a visit to her boyfriend, developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). It was a long drive from our house to the nearest doctor, I used that time to probe, get a confession and explain sorrowfully that if she had confided in me of her intentions I could have given her the information she needed to protect herself from UTIs. The doctor reinforced my advice. We then set up more involved appointments ("if you want the fun, it comes with responsibilities") to sort out contraception, pap smears, sexual health counselling, etc. Interestingly, easy child broke up with her boyfriend soon after, and I do think the pressure of the sexual relationship was a big factor. She was utterly distraught, having sex just tied her to him even deeper emotionally, and some guys find that too much to take, they did not expect it as a consequence of sex. And the girls can suddenly become more needy and demanding, often jealous, because the relationship has ramped up to a level that they simply are not ready for emotionally. Especially the guy. easy child did get back with her boyfriend; they broke up again a year later then got back together again and stayed together. Now married and expecting their first baby. Then with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - "round heels" was the best way to describe her. We knew her first serious boyfriend wouldn't know what hit him emotionally. We knew they were having sex from the expression on his face - a sort of delighted, ecstatic surprise. The stunned mullet look. We had warned her of the emotional fallout, in this case on the guy. We actually caught them in the act, at which point I read her the riot act (for not being careful enough of a very emotionally vulnerable guy). I got her to the doctor, organised the Pill, pap smears etc as for her sister. But the damage was done. She stayed with this guy for the next 18 months but he became increasingly needy and whiny, as well as using a lot of emotional blackmail. It was the only way he knew to respond emotionally. Eventually they broke up. I had organised Gardasil for her in this time, she was (for various reasons including availability) unable to complete the course until after she began going out with (ie sleeping with) her new boyfriend. She had been with new boyfriend for about a year when a pap smear identified abnormal cells. It took another two years but she finally had a colposcopy to remove a Stage IV pre-cancerous lesion. She wants to have kids one day and was terrified that this would complicate things. She was married by this time (to the second boyfriend, now SIL2) and he was blaming himself for giving her HPV (he had been sexually active before he met her). But it is too soon for HPV caught from him to have led to such an advanced lesion. No, we finally worked out (and his behaviour since has confirmed it) that it was the first boyfriend who gave it to her. So how to handle it - above all else, adult pleasures bring adult responsibilities. The break-up does sound like it is related to them taking this next step, and one or both was probably not able to handle it responsibly. If nothing else, I would sit them both down together to resolve differences. Even if they continue to stay separated, at least clear the air as to why and how they broke up. Conflict resolution, primarily. Part of it could have been her becoming more emotionally demanding. or it could have been him getting overly possessive. it's what often happens when children have sex before they're emotionally mature enough. Next step - sexual health. Gardasil shots if she hasn't already had them. Regular pap smears (and remember our experiences - if we had not insisted, easy child 2/difficult child 2 could now have full-blown cervical cancer). Contraception. Emotional sexual health. Emotional sexual responsibility. The kids have made their choices and you can't unring the bell. Your daughter is now a sexually mature and active individual. You can't put the genie back in the bottle but you can monitor her continuing maturity and help her to make healthier sexual choices from here on. If she won't confide details in you, ensure she will do so with the doctor. Find a doctor she will talk to, and until she's an adult, make sure she knows the medical bills are covered. Consider it an investment in your daughter's future. I took my kids condom shopping. In Australia we can buy them in the supermarket, they're next to deodorants and hair conditioner. I discussed choices with the kids - ribbed vs unribbed, flavoured, coloured. I told the kids to not waste their time with "ribbed for her pleasure" because the vagina doesn't have enough nerve endings to make it worthwhile. Not at that level. And to avoid the banana-flavoured ones, they're vile. Then I bought a large quantity and ensured that the kids helped me with the groceries at the checkout. I'm sure it bought another couple of years of celibacy in my kids! Marg [/QUOTE]
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