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15 year old daughter now sexually active and I don't know how to handle this!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 558633" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>What part of the world do you live in? it can make a difference. Also, you have just resurrected a dinosaur thread. That's okay, but it can mean you don't get the attention you need, for your problem. You might do better if you start your own thread.</p><p></p><p>As I said above, you can't unring the bell. Also, once kids have discovered sex, never underestimate their determination to continue to have sex. Even if they break up and move on to other partners, they have now discovered sexual pleasure and will not be able to stop so easily.</p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do is what I did - ensure sexual responsibility. If they didn't talk to you before, don't expect it now. But you can talk to them. Insist to your daughter that boyfriend's mother did a loving and wise thing in telling you. boyfriend had a practical concern and it needed to be dealt with. boyfriend's mother was right, you needed to be in the situation. Part of being sexually active means taknig responsibility, and when you are under age, this means you need your parent's help. Not necessarily help to continue to have sex, but frankly, whatever your personal moral stance, recognise that your kids will do what they want to do, and you might as well keep them as safe as possible while they do so.</p><p></p><p>Back when I was in my teens, I had serious problems with heavy, painful periods. The treatment back then was to go on the Pill. My mother fought this because I was 17 and had a very demanding (sexually) boyfriend. We were not sexually active but he was putting a lot of pressure on me to have sex. HE wanted me on the Pill, for his own reasons. My mother didn't want me to be on the Pill "because it will remove the last barrier".</p><p></p><p>I finally went on the Pill by myself. I did not tell my boyfriend; we were breaking up by that time, but that was not a factor in the timing of my going on the Pill. When I finally told my mother I said to her, "If my going on the Pill is all it takes for me to go out and have sex, then I am abstaining for the wrong reasons and there is no point in applying moral constraints." It was the permissive 70s and I had hunted around to find a medical practice that was prepared to prescribe to a teenager. By the time I got the Pill I was 18. I had to go to a Family Planning clinic where they automatically assumed I was sexually active; part of getting the Pill meant I had to have pap smears and counselling. The doctor was very embarrassed to find he had just done a pap smear on a virgin!</p><p></p><p>The Pill was a godsend for me. The heavy periods eased, the pain eased, I could function again. My new boyfriend did not pressure me like the previous one had, but we realised fairly soon into our relationship that this one was for keeps. Still my mother was very resistant to the idea of us ever having sex, and I could not talk to her. I have older sisters but I did not feel I could talk to them either, even though in every other way we are close as a family.</p><p></p><p>We had been going out together for over a year before we had sex. We had to sneak around but as I lived away from home there was plenty of opportunity. We found some interesting opportunities, however! And, far from "spoiling it", we still talk about some of those early experiences with fondness. He's a member of this site and lurks here as well as posts here, so I know he will be reading this.</p><p></p><p>The Pill did not give me permission to go out and have sex. If it had, then there would have been no point in keeping me off the Pill.</p><p></p><p>Sexual responsibility comes with sexual activity. The kids need to learn this. I would talk to my girls (who would not talk to me about these things at the time; they do now). Practical things such as how to avoid UTIs, for example. Keep it practical, don't probe.</p><p></p><p>If your husband is likely to react badly, then I understand your not wanting to tell him. However, one day he will find out and you have to deal with his reaction. Perhaps the best thing you can say to him is, "A reaction like yours right now would have made the problems far worse. How would it have helped? I wish I could have told you, but I needed to be able to help our daughter make what wise decisions were still left. A negative reaction would not have helped."</p><p></p><p>Fathers tend to be very protective of their daughters, doing even more than mothers to keep their daughters chaste. It is difficult for them to accept that their cute baby doll child is now a sexually active woman. Fathers especially do try to put the genie back in the bottle, but it just won't work.</p><p></p><p>Our girls won't generally discuss their sex lives with their father. They rarely discuss such things with me, but if there is a problem, they do come to me. easy child 2/difficult child 2 came to me when she was distressed to find a positive pap smear. She wanted to ignore it and hope it would all go away. That would have been disastrous. She let me tell her father, but was scared he would be angry with her husband (who was blaming himself). Doctors would not discuss which of her partners she could have got it from, which also did not help. I did some research and was able to tell her that the odds were, first boyfriend was the source and not SIL2. I had to work hard to reassure SIL2, he loves her dearly and felt awful for her. We have since found out that first boyfriend was/is a swinger. Was known on the swinging circuit within months of breaking up with easy child 2/difficult child 2, long before he had a regular girlfriend to replace easy child 2/difficult child 2. She was never a swinger, did not know. Was angry when she found out because of what it implied about her relationship with him.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is now a woman, whether you like it or not. Help her adjust. it doesn't mean you give permission. She's just demonstrated tat she doesn't feel she needs to wait for permission anyway. So when your kids want to walk a tightrope and are determined to do it anyway, the least you can do is put a safety net underneath. Or hold their hands.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 558633, member: 1991"] What part of the world do you live in? it can make a difference. Also, you have just resurrected a dinosaur thread. That's okay, but it can mean you don't get the attention you need, for your problem. You might do better if you start your own thread. As I said above, you can't unring the bell. Also, once kids have discovered sex, never underestimate their determination to continue to have sex. Even if they break up and move on to other partners, they have now discovered sexual pleasure and will not be able to stop so easily. The best thing you can do is what I did - ensure sexual responsibility. If they didn't talk to you before, don't expect it now. But you can talk to them. Insist to your daughter that boyfriend's mother did a loving and wise thing in telling you. boyfriend had a practical concern and it needed to be dealt with. boyfriend's mother was right, you needed to be in the situation. Part of being sexually active means taknig responsibility, and when you are under age, this means you need your parent's help. Not necessarily help to continue to have sex, but frankly, whatever your personal moral stance, recognise that your kids will do what they want to do, and you might as well keep them as safe as possible while they do so. Back when I was in my teens, I had serious problems with heavy, painful periods. The treatment back then was to go on the Pill. My mother fought this because I was 17 and had a very demanding (sexually) boyfriend. We were not sexually active but he was putting a lot of pressure on me to have sex. HE wanted me on the Pill, for his own reasons. My mother didn't want me to be on the Pill "because it will remove the last barrier". I finally went on the Pill by myself. I did not tell my boyfriend; we were breaking up by that time, but that was not a factor in the timing of my going on the Pill. When I finally told my mother I said to her, "If my going on the Pill is all it takes for me to go out and have sex, then I am abstaining for the wrong reasons and there is no point in applying moral constraints." It was the permissive 70s and I had hunted around to find a medical practice that was prepared to prescribe to a teenager. By the time I got the Pill I was 18. I had to go to a Family Planning clinic where they automatically assumed I was sexually active; part of getting the Pill meant I had to have pap smears and counselling. The doctor was very embarrassed to find he had just done a pap smear on a virgin! The Pill was a godsend for me. The heavy periods eased, the pain eased, I could function again. My new boyfriend did not pressure me like the previous one had, but we realised fairly soon into our relationship that this one was for keeps. Still my mother was very resistant to the idea of us ever having sex, and I could not talk to her. I have older sisters but I did not feel I could talk to them either, even though in every other way we are close as a family. We had been going out together for over a year before we had sex. We had to sneak around but as I lived away from home there was plenty of opportunity. We found some interesting opportunities, however! And, far from "spoiling it", we still talk about some of those early experiences with fondness. He's a member of this site and lurks here as well as posts here, so I know he will be reading this. The Pill did not give me permission to go out and have sex. If it had, then there would have been no point in keeping me off the Pill. Sexual responsibility comes with sexual activity. The kids need to learn this. I would talk to my girls (who would not talk to me about these things at the time; they do now). Practical things such as how to avoid UTIs, for example. Keep it practical, don't probe. If your husband is likely to react badly, then I understand your not wanting to tell him. However, one day he will find out and you have to deal with his reaction. Perhaps the best thing you can say to him is, "A reaction like yours right now would have made the problems far worse. How would it have helped? I wish I could have told you, but I needed to be able to help our daughter make what wise decisions were still left. A negative reaction would not have helped." Fathers tend to be very protective of their daughters, doing even more than mothers to keep their daughters chaste. It is difficult for them to accept that their cute baby doll child is now a sexually active woman. Fathers especially do try to put the genie back in the bottle, but it just won't work. Our girls won't generally discuss their sex lives with their father. They rarely discuss such things with me, but if there is a problem, they do come to me. easy child 2/difficult child 2 came to me when she was distressed to find a positive pap smear. She wanted to ignore it and hope it would all go away. That would have been disastrous. She let me tell her father, but was scared he would be angry with her husband (who was blaming himself). Doctors would not discuss which of her partners she could have got it from, which also did not help. I did some research and was able to tell her that the odds were, first boyfriend was the source and not SIL2. I had to work hard to reassure SIL2, he loves her dearly and felt awful for her. We have since found out that first boyfriend was/is a swinger. Was known on the swinging circuit within months of breaking up with easy child 2/difficult child 2, long before he had a regular girlfriend to replace easy child 2/difficult child 2. She was never a swinger, did not know. Was angry when she found out because of what it implied about her relationship with him. Your daughter is now a woman, whether you like it or not. Help her adjust. it doesn't mean you give permission. She's just demonstrated tat she doesn't feel she needs to wait for permission anyway. So when your kids want to walk a tightrope and are determined to do it anyway, the least you can do is put a safety net underneath. Or hold their hands. Marg [/QUOTE]
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15 year old daughter now sexually active and I don't know how to handle this!
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