15 yr old going to be arrested after court appearance tomorrow: our choice (sigh)

[recovering doormat]

Update to "found odd stuff in son's room":

after countless phone calls and emails, we have a plan for helping our son with his twin problems of anxiety and substance abuse, and the behavioral problems that go along with a dual diagnosis.

Tomorrow our son's attorney will ask the judge to have our son taken into custody after his hearing and held overnight, possibly a bit longer, while we work to get him into a hospital/rehab/Residential Treatment Center (RTC) facility in Pennsylvania, about a 2 1/2 hr. ride from our home. My ex and I are going directly to the facility after court to tour it and meet with the admissions people and the therapist who heads the dual diagnosis therapy program. This is the place I had hoped we would get him into, our insurance supposedly covers it, and the only potential problem regarding getting him into it quickly is whether or not they will make us write a check for $10,000 that we don't have to get him admitted. This particular facility works with DCF and adjudicated youth, so they are familiar with situations such as ours.

Please keep your fingers crossed that we are able to get him admitted quickly. Ideally he would spend no more than 24 hours in custody (so he doesnt' run from us) and would be transported directly to PA.

At least once he is there, I will feel like I can exhale. He hasn't been to school since the Friday before Thanksgiving and as I type this, it's dinnertime and neither my ex nor I know where he is. He doesn't have his cell phone (wouldn't answer anyway, most likely), we've phoned all the friends we have numbers for, and no one knows where he is. I can't take too much more of this, and his dad sounds like he's ready for the big one any minute now.

I can't even wrap my mind around what the scene is going to be like when they take him from us after court. He has no idea this is coming, but if he does he will run. My skinny, sensitive little boy with asthma in jail. Can't comprehend it.

It's going to be a long, hard night tonight. But at least once he is placed we can begin the work we should have done long ago. I'm comforted by the fact that he will be in a hospital setting at first and not camping in the snow without his shoes or forced to sit in a corner because he spoke at the wrong time.

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice on my last post.

 

[everywoman]

Hugs to you. I know it must be hard. I had mine held in the emergency room through court orders for 48 hours once. He had an armed guard the entire time. It was rough--but at least for once doctors. got to see what I got to see on a regular basis. He was taken by the sheriff's office to a treatment center in another town. I hope it works out for you. Be strong. At least if he's locked up you know where he is.

 

[meowbunny]

I'm so sorry. Somtimes I think saving our kids is harder on us than it is on them. I'm assuming he'll either be taken to juvie or hospitalized, not taken to jail. Not much difference between juvie and jail but there is a difference. Just remember why you are doing this to save him. Sometimes, that thought was the only thing that kept me sane when my daughter was at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

If you start thinking about him as the "poor, asthamatic" boy you raised to this point, it will be very hard to not falter and bring him home from wherever he is. You really do have to look at him as a drug user for now. Hiopefully, this facility will take him and he'll make the choice to want to quit rather than just bide his time.

I hope he shows up tomorrow and that the judge agrees to the plan. For you, many hugs. It hurts to do something like this for your child but you are doing it FOR him, not to him.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and extra strength for you to get through tomorrow.

 

[katya02]

I'm sorry for your pain ... this is such a hard thing to do. But you've found a center that's suited to his situation and I hope and pray they admit him quickly. He'll be angry at first but, whenever he comes around to a clearer frame of mind, he'll know you did the right thing.

Lots of {{{hugs}}}. Try to get some sleep tonight.

 

[gottaloveem]

Sending supportive hugs your way.
It will be very hard, but worth it.
I'm so glad you are able to get him into somewhere, court ordered too.
You will be able to breath a sigh of relief once you know he is off the street and safe.
I wish you all the best tomorrow and will be thinking of you.
You are doing the right thing.
((((HUGS))))
Lia

 

[DDD]

Sending caring supportive thoughts your way. I've kinda' been there done that and I can relate to the anxiety you and Ex are probably feeling.

You are taking affirmative action to help your son. Don't let anyone play the "guilt card" with you. Your difficult child will know that both his parents care enough to work together for his common good. It "aint' easy" being a Warrior Parent. Hugs. DDD

 

[dawnmyst]

I have been reading your story and your strength is very inspiring. I pray and hope that everything goes well with your son. My son is 15 and I know that he has tried pot and alcohol in the past. His behavior has changed a lot lately so I read stories like your and try to learn from them. Thank-you for sharing here.

 

[serenity]

been there done that PA If your son is going to xxxxx, he will get the best treatment available. The only problem is $$$$$$$. The cost for our son was $30000 for a month's stay. Ten months later, we have just won an appeal with the insurance to pay for the thirty day stay. Although it was recommended that our son have extended treatment...an additional 3 months...we were unable to handle that financially. This is a top-notch facility. You can know that with confidence.
Serenity

 

[recovering doormat]

UPDATE: We may know tomorrow if he is accepted at the facility we applied to in Pennsylvania. They are very thorough and needed documentation from his last therapist and psychiatrist. That makes me feel better. Plus the judge's reaction in court on learning the name of the place: he was enthusiastic and said we couldn't have picked a better place. I wasn't in court last Tuesday, my ex was, but he said the judge was totally cooperative with us and almost grandfatherly with difficult child 2 (a stern grandpa). We'll see what happens if they agree to treat him. Then we have to get him in the car for a three hour ride. I don't know what we will do if he refuses to go. It means a delay so that we can submit thename of another facility (our choice, and I'm leaning toward wilderness), get the court to order that, and get him admitted. If he refuses the second facility, he goes to juvie for an undetermined length of time.

The first two days after court he was shaken, stirred, scared to death and was cooperative with his curfew. Past two nights he's been out later than he should have been; I called his dad last night at seven and asked if junior was home, and he said no, he was out with his friends. He sounded as though I had woken him up. I still don't know if he even came home last night. It's very frustrating to deal with a parent who is so passive-aggressive in every aspect of his life: he figures the court will put the ankle bracelet on him after he calls the P.O. tomorrow morning to report our boys' lack of cooperation with curfew.

In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to keep in the holiday spirit when I feel like doing absolutely nothing. My mom and brothers are very concerned about me, indeed, they seem more angry toward my kids than I am. My youngest read on Facebook that one of our cousin's has forbidden his son to hang around with mine because my brother told him over Thanksgiving about difficult child 2's involvement with weed and school refusal. I should have already had that conversation with my cousin, but I'm overwhelmed and I put it off.

I'm trying not to feel sad and hurt that my side of the family talks amongst themselves about my kids in an unflattering way, and to keep in mind that they are right: my two oldest are not in a good place right now and not good companions for their children. I guess I feel sorry for myself that there isn't support for them along with the warnings and rejection. I even have petty feelings about my brother's judgmental attitude given his hellraiser reputation as a teen and his own occasional week and coke use. The cousin who told his son not to hang out with mine keeps his marijuana in his toolbox, where his 15 yr old son found it and asked his dad, how come you can smoke it and I can't? (Cousin mumbled something about it helping him to sleep at night, his overactive thyroid condition, etc.)

My son told his father Thanksgiving weekend that he felt like he didn't have a family anymore. I guess it's too much to ask a kid to understand and accept that his uncles and grandmother still love him even though they are disgusted with his behavior. It's hard for me, too!

I need to get a tree, start gift shopping, and I just want to sleep for a month. But I can't let myself slide down the despair mountain when I have 12 yr old easy child who needs as much normalcy as possible.

Normalcy: I saw my shrink this past week and told her that my youngest slept over her dad's home last Saturday night and that nobody threw anything at anyone or physically fought or damaged another's property. She shook her head at me and said, that's sick, that just having no physical aggression for 24 hours is something to celebrate. She is actually very supportive of me and is trying to get me to acknowledge my doormat-tedness and rise above it.

I feel like ignoring the chores and Christmas tasks this Sunday and buying myself an eyeliner from the MAC store and later watching a movie on the couch with a cuppa tea. Who's with me?

 

[katya02]

Me! Me! Movies and tea, and no Christmas stressing. Sounds like a plan.

I'm sorry your extended family are being *#!**s. If they had some integrity and actually walked their own talk, your kids would see that their behaviors will have certain effects on others that they won't like. But your brother's and cousin's kids have far more serious bad influences on them daily than your kids ... their own fathers are demonstrating, let's see, illegal behaviors, illegal drug use, lying, hypocrisy, ... yeah. Those kids have terrible examples right under their noses everyday, worse in fact because their fathers are pretending to be upright citizens while condemning others, and getting away with it (for now). And any mothers in the case are looking the other way, silently approving the illegal drug use.

Please don't feel bad about any negative things these family members have to say; they have no right. Since they can't observe appropriate boundaries and can't even observe the law, maybe not sharing ANY news about your kids is the way to go. I've done this with two family members who just added to my grief and stress with difficult child.

 

[recovering doormat]

It is indeed unfortunate that I am an inveterate people pleaser. I have to have everyone like me or I'm miserable. If people think my kids are bad it's a reflection on me. My mom said to me not long ago that no one can figure out why my kids are so f)#&^* up when I've been a fulltime, stay at home mom for the past 18 years.

You're so right, I should have kept my mouth shut a long time ago.

I will learn the hard way.

 

[Im a Believer]

Praying that all goes well tomorrow ~ Please don't be discouraged if there is no immediate change ~ recovery is usually a process and I pray this puts your son on that road of recovery.

You sound alot like me ~

A total People Pleaser ~

Looking forward to hearing the outcome ~

Thoughts and Prayers are with you!

Judy

 

[recovering doormat]

Update : I did buy two eyeliners (Revlon Colorfast eye pencil), teal and charcoal, at the CVS buy one, get one free sale. I love beating the system. This is a great product, by the way, as good or better than many of the department store brands. And, I watch an hilarious British comedy called "Kinky Boots" on BBC America that was about a shoe factory up north in England that was facing closure due to no business, when an accidental meeting between the owner and a drag queen gives them an idea to manufacture stiletto boots for transvestites that are strong enough to bear a grown man's weight without snapping the heel off. Very cute movie. I barely did anything productive at all.

We're still waiting to hear from the place in PA, but difficult child 2 is completely thumbing his nose at us and the court: he showed up at my house stoned yesterday and ate everything in the fridge, today he refused to get in the car and go to school, complaining of fatigue. Of course he's tired, he was high all weekend. We found another facility willing to take him that is not a hospital but an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) run by evangelicals, and they will take him as soon as we can get him in the car. Several criminal defense lawyers recommended the place to my ex, so we have to see if the court will approve and what they can actually do for him. I'm off to make some phone calls, but this is promising.

I'm getting over my hesitation about having him away at Christmas. Funny, but his lack of consideration for all of us is making me less upset at inconveniencing him.

Is this a step away from doormat status?

 

[katya02]

Yes! Yes! Good for you! Sounds like he needs to be inconvenienced and you need a break. If difficult child 2 was high, isn't that a violation of his bond or probation or whatever his status is? I know you want to get him into treatment and hope you have success today. If not and it's dragging on, however, I would think about contacting his PO if he continues to use and thumb his nose at you. At least check on what the legal consequence would be. Knowledge is power.