Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
Not to sound cold blooded but having had our difficult child steal from us, check for anything missing and change the locks.
16 year old son problems... :(
- Thread starter Jenn M
- Start date
Not to sound cold blooded but having had our difficult child steal from us, check for anything missing and change the locks.
It's not about the disrespect.
It's about who he is hanging around with, what he is spending his time on, what he is NOT spending his time on, behaviours, legal involvement...
You have your hands full. Respect is the least of your worries.
Does high school start at grade 10? (It starts at 9 here). If so, that would have been his first year in high school. And high school can be deadly... that is, school itself can knock a kid for a total loop. (been there done that - myself, gfgbro, and my own two kids...) It can be a whole raft of things - from peer pressure to bullying to idiot teachers (not all teachers are idiots, and not all idiots are teachers, but there are some teachers that should not be teaching - we've had some of them) to the ramped-up difficulty of the work.
Its tough for a totally "typical" kid. Some survive, some don't. If there happens to be other issues thrown in, probably not diagnosed... the chances of success go down.
Add in the easy availability of drugs and alcohol, and kids who are falling between the cracks are soon dropping off the deep end.
The approach you take depends on whether this is a "typical" kid who fell in with the wrong crowd and got hooked on the substances and/or lifestyle, OR if it's a kid with prior challenges who got pushed off the deep end.
If it's the first case, others on this board will be more help than I can give. But one of the biggest challenges is to figure out what is behind this.
It's about who he is hanging around with, what he is spending his time on, what he is NOT spending his time on, behaviours, legal involvement...
You have your hands full. Respect is the least of your worries.
Does high school start at grade 10? (It starts at 9 here). If so, that would have been his first year in high school. And high school can be deadly... that is, school itself can knock a kid for a total loop. (been there done that - myself, gfgbro, and my own two kids...) It can be a whole raft of things - from peer pressure to bullying to idiot teachers (not all teachers are idiots, and not all idiots are teachers, but there are some teachers that should not be teaching - we've had some of them) to the ramped-up difficulty of the work.
Its tough for a totally "typical" kid. Some survive, some don't. If there happens to be other issues thrown in, probably not diagnosed... the chances of success go down.
Add in the easy availability of drugs and alcohol, and kids who are falling between the cracks are soon dropping off the deep end.
The approach you take depends on whether this is a "typical" kid who fell in with the wrong crowd and got hooked on the substances and/or lifestyle, OR if it's a kid with prior challenges who got pushed off the deep end.
If it's the first case, others on this board will be more help than I can give. But one of the biggest challenges is to figure out what is behind this.
This is supposed to be his 3rd year of high school. He did great his freshman year. Then he met these troubled kids and decided to become one. He hasn't been pushed through the cracks, he has openly dived in them. We had a conference with all of his teachers a couple weeks before Christmas. We are all trying to figure out how to help him, but really, he's gotta participate with everyone who is 'trying to help him', but he chooses not to. Why are we the ones doing all the work while he sits back watching me miss work to have these meetings with his teachers, his teachers staying late after school to attend these meetings, which he showed up 15 minutes late for, because he was outside smoking a cigarette with his friends at school. With grades like his, the worst thing he could have done was skip an entire day of school, like he did today. He just doesn't care 
He may not have done as well as you think in grade 9. Great marks, maybe. But what was really happening inside? I'm only asking because I've seen it happen. Sometimes wrong friends are the cause of the drug problems but... sometimes, there is a reason for the wrong friends - such as cliques, being bullied or excluded (which is a form of bullying), teacher pressure, all sorts of things. It matters which came first.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Are his friends drug users? I am guessing his problem is actually drugs, even if you don't know it. Just a warning so you're not blindsided. My daughter dropped all her nice friends for a wild group when she started smoking pot, and that was only the beginning of her usage.
Who your child hangs with a gigantic clue about what your kid is doing and what his values are. I'm guessing his friends also smoke, don't do well in school, are disrespectful and get into trouble. And probably dabble with drugs an d alcohol (the legal drug).
Who your child hangs with a gigantic clue about what your kid is doing and what his values are. I'm guessing his friends also smoke, don't do well in school, are disrespectful and get into trouble. And probably dabble with drugs an d alcohol (the legal drug).
You are all right on, I'm sure.
He sent me a fb message earlier saying that he will not give me the phone because he's trying to 'prove a point'. (I'm not sure what the point is). But he said if I don't let him home tonight he has to sleep outside in the cold.
We are in Maine and it's about 15 below right now. I told him once he can respect and follow my rules he is not welcomed in my home. If he can follow my rules, he can come back. He wrote rude things saying that's nice parenting and he hopes I sleep well knowing that he is sleeping outside cold and hungry.
My question is.... He has friends that he skips school with and stays over nights at, but he will be homeless tonight? I'm not buying the pity party story, and I told him to have a goodnight. I know he's not sleeping outside. But he finds it much more cozy to be here, eating me out of house and home while still doing whatever the heck he wants. No deal. So now he's real mad at me for not caving to him, like I usually do because I feel bad.
He made the choice to leave last night. All he had to do was give me the phone and comply with my simple rules. He chose to leave. Now he's wishing he hadn't.
He sent me a fb message earlier saying that he will not give me the phone because he's trying to 'prove a point'. (I'm not sure what the point is). But he said if I don't let him home tonight he has to sleep outside in the cold.
We are in Maine and it's about 15 below right now. I told him once he can respect and follow my rules he is not welcomed in my home. If he can follow my rules, he can come back. He wrote rude things saying that's nice parenting and he hopes I sleep well knowing that he is sleeping outside cold and hungry.
My question is.... He has friends that he skips school with and stays over nights at, but he will be homeless tonight? I'm not buying the pity party story, and I told him to have a goodnight. I know he's not sleeping outside. But he finds it much more cozy to be here, eating me out of house and home while still doing whatever the heck he wants. No deal. So now he's real mad at me for not caving to him, like I usually do because I feel bad.
He made the choice to leave last night. All he had to do was give me the phone and comply with my simple rules. He chose to leave. Now he's wishing he hadn't.
Good for you! Trust me, if he really had no where to go he would give you the phone. He is the one making the decision to "sleep out in the cold". You're already ten steps ahead of me and you just got here. Good job. You and your daughter don't deserve to be treated so badly by him. I know you love him but you are doing this because you love him.
I actually feel terrible about telling him too bad and to have a good night. I know he's upset, and so am I. He's been such a selfish person for the last 2 years, I would like him to see how it feels to be treated the same way.
And if he was really going to sleep outside, he would be banging on my neighbors door to sleep. They are an elderly couple who adore him, knowing what's been going on. I'm quite close with them as well. They would let him sleep there if he came knocking. I'm sure of it.
I'm obviously trying to prove a point as well. I will not allow him to walk all over me or take control of the situation any longer.
I don't even know any of you people, but you've all inspired me to gain control back of my son. I'm so glad I found this site and signed up. I didn't know what to expect. Thank you all so much for not treating me like I'm a jerk while trying to let my son know who's boss of this house. I am great full. I am calmer now, knowing that I'm not the only one who is dealing with a difficult child. I know he is finding his own sense of self, but he's going about it the wrong way. I only want what's best for him and I think that tough love will get him in the right direction...?!?!
And if he was really going to sleep outside, he would be banging on my neighbors door to sleep. They are an elderly couple who adore him, knowing what's been going on. I'm quite close with them as well. They would let him sleep there if he came knocking. I'm sure of it.
I'm obviously trying to prove a point as well. I will not allow him to walk all over me or take control of the situation any longer.
I don't even know any of you people, but you've all inspired me to gain control back of my son. I'm so glad I found this site and signed up. I didn't know what to expect. Thank you all so much for not treating me like I'm a jerk while trying to let my son know who's boss of this house. I am great full. I am calmer now, knowing that I'm not the only one who is dealing with a difficult child. I know he is finding his own sense of self, but he's going about it the wrong way. I only want what's best for him and I think that tough love will get him in the right direction...?!?!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Jenn, you can't control your son. You have 0% control over him. What you can control is what you will tolerate in your house. Your house/your rules. Hypothetical example: You don't want him using somebody else's cell phone in your house. It's morally wrong, in your opinion. He HAS to hand it to you before coming inside and you go to the police so the rightful owner, who is probably going crazy, can get it back. Most likely, he stole it. You can't drive all over like a crazy woman tracking him down and arm wrestle the phone from him, but you can certainly decide, if you are so inclined, that he can not bring it in your home. These are the sort of boundaries I had to set with my son, when he was in high school, and my daughter when she was using drugs. Both of them eventually, at age eighteen and nineteen respectively, broke the house rules to the point that they had to leave. Yet they are both functioning well now, especially my daughter, and are not failure-to-launch. I have a close relationship; with both...they have no hard feelings.
Now at sixteen, at least in the U.S., we still have to house them. So when I found out my daughter was doing something illegal, which are against my house rules, the money was cut off. Period. She got a part-time job, which was a good thing, although I'm sure she spent some of her paycheck on drugs. At least if she was buying drugs, it was not MY money she was using to kill herself. She also bought her own clothes and other things. She had to pay her part of the car insurance an d her gas money until she got into a bad accident and totaled our car. That was the end of her using our car. She had taken it on a road trip to another state while making us sick with worry because she had told us she was just picking up a nearby friend to bring home for a sleepover. The car was never able to be used again. That was the end of that.
Our house had simple rules that my "typical" kids had no trouble following at all:
1. We are reasonably respectful to one another.
2. We don't do anything illegal.
3. We go to school.
4. We call home if we are going to be late or stay overnight somewhere.
5. We do some chores if asked. If we are eighteen or older and not in college we get a full time job and pay nominal rent.
This is about it and two of my kids could not follow those rules. The other two easily did. Most kids do. If that can not do that much, then they can try to live on their own and make their own rules. But I'm big on my house is my castle. No, I wasn't always like this. I thought my kids came first, last and in-between. I lived my life for my kids. I did not work. I was a part-time worker, working only when Dad was home so no daycare, and I also was a stay-at-home-mom. I drove my kids and the neighborhood kids to baseball practice, dance class, everywhere. Any friends I had were associated with my kids. I had no identity other than "His Mom" or "Her Mom." What a disaster, especially for my oldest child who got the brunt of my overidentification with him and crowding him.
I have since learned a lot. I am now a happy empty nester who gets along well with my grown kids and who has a life and things I do that fulfil me so that I don't have to dwell on the good and bad lessons my grown kids are learning. I did not even realize I had an identity until I started going to Al-Anon. God bless Al-Anon.
That cell phone did not just happen to appear where your son was walking. He wanted a cell phone. He found one. He took it. It is totally up to you what you want to do about it or even if you want to believe he stole it and, of course, it IS possible his story is true...but it's still not his phone.
I wish you luck on this journey we have all walked here...or are still walking. It is not easy to have a difficult child. It challenges us to find different ways of reacting to them so that we can live a good life ourselves and stay in control or our emotions rather than getting so stressed out that we become ill. It challenges us to learn how to love ourselves enough to take of us, just like we would love to take care of our adult child, if the child would allow it. We can't do that, but we CAN be kind to ourselves.
tracking him down and arm wrestle the phone from him, but you can certainly decide, if you are so inclined, that he can not bring it in your home. These are the sort of boundaries I had to set with my son, when he was in high school, and my daughter when she was using drugs. Both of them eventually, at age eighteen and nineteen respectively, broke the house rules to the point that they had to leave. Yet they are both functioning well now, especially my daughter, and are not failure-to-launch. I have a close relationship; with both...they have no hard feelings.Now at sixteen, at least in the U.S., we still have to house them. So when I found out my daughter was doing something illegal, which are against my house rules, the money was cut off. Period. She got a part-time job, which was a good thing, although I'm sure she spent some of her paycheck on drugs. At least if she was buying drugs, it was not MY money she was using to kill herself. She also bought her own clothes and other things. She had to pay her part of the car insurance an d her gas money until she got into a bad accident and totaled our car. That was the end of her using our car. She had taken it on a road trip to another state while making us sick with worry because she had told us she was just picking up a nearby friend to bring home for a sleepover. The car was never able to be used again. That was the end of that.
Our house had simple rules that my "typical" kids had no trouble following at all:
1. We are reasonably respectful to one another.
2. We don't do anything illegal.
3. We go to school.
4. We call home if we are going to be late or stay overnight somewhere.
5. We do some chores if asked. If we are eighteen or older and not in college we get a full time job and pay nominal rent.
This is about it and two of my kids could not follow those rules. The other two easily did. Most kids do. If that can not do that much, then they can try to live on their own and make their own rules. But I'm big on my house is my castle. No, I wasn't always like this. I thought my kids came first, last and in-between. I lived my life for my kids. I did not work. I was a part-time worker, working only when Dad was home so no daycare, and I also was a stay-at-home-mom. I drove my kids and the neighborhood kids to baseball practice, dance class, everywhere. Any friends I had were associated with my kids. I had no identity other than "His Mom" or "Her Mom." What a disaster, especially for my oldest child who got the brunt of my overidentification with him and crowding him.
I have since learned a lot. I am now a happy empty nester who gets along well with my grown kids and who has a life and things I do that fulfil me so that I don't have to dwell on the good and bad lessons my grown kids are learning. I did not even realize I had an identity until I started going to Al-Anon. God bless Al-Anon.
That cell phone did not just happen to appear where your son was walking. He wanted a cell phone. He found one. He took it. It is totally up to you what you want to do about it or even if you want to believe he stole it and, of course, it IS possible his story is true...but it's still not his phone.
I wish you luck on this journey we have all walked here...or are still walking. It is not easy to have a difficult child. It challenges us to find different ways of reacting to them so that we can live a good life ourselves and stay in control or our emotions rather than getting so stressed out that we become ill. It challenges us to learn how to love ourselves enough to take of us, just like we would love to take care of our adult child, if the child would allow it. We can't do that, but we CAN be kind to ourselves.
Jenn, honestly, you are doing absolutely amazing. I know you feel guilty, so just feel it out. Remember, teens can play that guilt trip game for a LONG time so don't give into easily or too fast. If he really gets desperate and really and truly has nowhere to sleep, you will know it and then you can deal with that when it arises however you want to. But my advice would be, at least allow him to get desperate, let him get to that point because I can promise you, he is nowhere near it right now. A teens will is very, very, very strong. My mistakes were, I would give in way too fast and way too easily. If my daughter said something like "thanks for letting me sleep out of the cold", I would have been begging her to come back instantaneously. I know... what a sucker I was. I was really, really gullible and forget all about the reason I punished her in the first place. I wouldn't even wait to see if it was really true or not, most of the time, it would not turn out to be true...and I would have egg all over my face and kicking myself repeatedly. It took me a long time to learn this lesson and I am still learning, at least to challenge some of the things she would say or do so she would learn that she couldn't manipulate me very easily.
So just see how it goes. I believe you are doing the right thing. Big Hugs!!!!
So just see how it goes. I believe you are doing the right thing. Big Hugs!!!!
That's what he's used to. Making mom feel bad and caving to him. He knows I would do anything for him, and it's my fault that I have, for too long. I own the fact that I've babied him for most of his life. I had him at 19 years old and it was just him and I until he was 7. Then his sister came along and he no longer had my undivided attention. It was shared with the baby.
I try not to beat myself up over the fact that his father was never around. I always try to keep in mind that I had nothing to do with his father taking off. That was out of my hands, and still is.
I try not to beat myself up over the fact that his father was never around. I always try to keep in mind that I had nothing to do with his father taking off. That was out of my hands, and still is.
And you're absolutely right. It's not your fault. You didn't leave, his father did and you did everything you had to do to give your son the best that you could have given him. You were always there , even when times were tough and even now. Through everything. You never ran away like his father did. You were there, always. So why should you be punished? You didn't do anything wrong in having another child either. You probably could bet all your money that your son still would have turned out the way he is now even if he were the only child. My daughter is the only child and you can tell by my own signature down at the bottom that things unfortunately got REALLY rough and that is the understatement of the century. You are doing the right thing and thinking the right way. You are.
An update. I just spoke with his probation officer. She said she couldn't believe I let him leave in the middle of winter. Mind you, I didn't tell him to leave, I have him two choices and he chose to leave. He has several friends he can stay with right down the street. He also skipped school again today.
I'm a little concerned though. Since the last rude message he sent me via face book last night, he hasn't been on fb for 16 hours. I'm definitely wondering where he is and what he's doing. It's not like him to not be on fb for this long
I'm a little concerned though. Since the last rude message he sent me via face book last night, he hasn't been on fb for 16 hours. I'm definitely wondering where he is and what he's doing. It's not like him to not be on fb for this long
Lil
Well-Known Member
He's probably blocked you. It's easy enough to do a custom setting so specific people can't see his posts. You'd see old ones, but nothing new...thereby worrying you...which he'd like. I wouldn't worry about that but if you just have to know, if there's someone he's FB friends with he might not think about blocking, an aunt or cousin or something, you could ask them if he's posted. Of course, he might have gone thru his list and blocked everyone he thinks might talk to you...but it's worth a try. Really though, I wouldn't worry about it much.
An update. I just spoke with his probation officer. She said she couldn't believe I let him leave in the middle of winter. Mind you, I didn't tell him to leave, I have him two choices and he chose to leave. He has several friends he can stay with right down the street. He also skipped school again today.
I'm a little concerned though. Since the last rude message he sent me via face book last night, he hasn't been on fb for 16 hours. I'm definitely wondering where he is and what he's doing. It's not like him to not be on fb for this long
Stay strong Jen. Maybe he went MIA to try to teach you a lesson by making you worry. He could also be at a place that has no wifi.
dstc_99
Well-Known Member
Call the PO and report him as a runaway. Have them search him prior to returning to the home and then have them remove the cell phone.
He is not old enought to make the decision to leave the home and you are legally bound to house him. Before you get turned in for not taking care of him you should cover yourself. He is the one doing something illegal and wrong so he needs to be returned and needs to follow house rules. I had to file papers on my daughter with the court to set up rules she could follow or accept their punishments. Unruly Minor paperwork? I think that was it. He already has a PO so she should know.
Next time don't give the ultimatum. Call the police and tell them your son has a phone you think is stolen. Have them do the dirty work.
He is not old enought to make the decision to leave the home and you are legally bound to house him. Before you get turned in for not taking care of him you should cover yourself. He is the one doing something illegal and wrong so he needs to be returned and needs to follow house rules. I had to file papers on my daughter with the court to set up rules she could follow or accept their punishments. Unruly Minor paperwork? I think that was it. He already has a PO so she should know.
Next time don't give the ultimatum. Call the police and tell them your son has a phone you think is stolen. Have them do the dirty work.
2much2recover
Well-Known Member
Um, OK he is treating his family like crap and you spend $400 on him? See anything wrong with that picture - you are meeting his needs and he is not meeting any of your expectations. It is called sending a double message and he hears the one he wants to hear: I get what I want and mom can't do anything about that!
Remind yourself often that your daughter deserves extra care and attention. Sometimes a parent can get so wrapped up and emotionally invested in what the difficult child is doing that they "forget" to give the positive, re-enforcing good attention to the non-difficult child child.
Ditto above: You knew he was not doing what he was suppose to do at school and still gave him the $400 worth of goodies he wanted? Although it is too late now it truly, really would have been OK for you to taken back some if not all of what you had purchased for him to send him a message. I am only saying this because you need to see that you are not giving clear & consistent messages to your son.
Well. Good news. He came home and basically said he will do whatever he has to in order to stay. He said he hated being at his friends house; it's loud and dirty and he wanted to be home. We talked for a while (really, I did most of the talking while he listened).
We brought the phone to the police department, although he didn't want to. I told him when he filled my rules and shows responsibility, he can have his stuff back. Thus far, he agreed.
I will sleep well tonight knowing he is home and in his own bed.
I appreciate all the support, suggestions and advice you all contributed during this difficult time in our lives. Thank you.
We brought the phone to the police department, although he didn't want to. I told him when he filled my rules and shows responsibility, he can have his stuff back. Thus far, he agreed.
I will sleep well tonight knowing he is home and in his own bed.
I appreciate all the support, suggestions and advice you all contributed during this difficult time in our lives. Thank you.
