16 year old son with adhd very defiant

[laddjacks]

I just joined this site today and after reading all the comments, I am so glad it's not just my son with these issues. He has always been very argumentative, especially when he doesn't get his way, will be very persistent until you do give in, and disrupts the entire family. We too have tried grounding, taking things away and nothing works. He is suppose to wear a Ritalin patch, which he does only 1/2 the time. He sees a child psychologist, but when we go he tells me before we go in, "mom, don't start crying and say much....I just want to get out of there". I feel bad for him because I feel like we are bashing him the whole dr. visit, but I need help with him. I need help on a daily basis on how to deal with his persistence, how to divert him, and basically how to parent him without making him feel like a worthless human being. He has an older brother who is 19 with no issues, and if I have heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times, " you don't treat ______ that way" or when he gets in trouble for something he says "_____ does the same thing and he doesn't get into trouble" (which is not true). In every situation when he gets caught in something it is never his fault, always someone else.
Are there any good books I can read to help me understand.

 

[BusynMember]

Can you give us a clearer history? Has he used drugs or drank?

 

[compassion]

Laddjacks, The behavior sounds very similar to my difficult child daughter, age 16. I picked up a lot of mainpulation via guilt, fear, and pity. She has used the same stuff many times. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. For me, I pick one key area. Right now, I am attempting to get her in school. She is using that to try to get money,tatoos, a car, what she wants. I have a lot of support and I was not caving in but she did call me 40 times today, trying to wear me down and I answered most of the time. She is in Orlando for the weekend, so I get a break. Compassion

 

[dadside]

My sense is that you should not be in the sessions with the psychologist and your son, or at least not for long or for often. You see the psychiatric or your son does, but not both together. And given your son's "I just want to get out of there", another therapist altogether might be best.

I'd not expect use, whether total, partial or non-use of the patch to have much effect on his attitude, at least not in the near term. Long-term regular use may help his focus on school and learning so he develops more positive interests leading to a more positive overall demeanor, but that would take time.

More has to be going on here than you realize, or certainly than you've indicated. More detail of his history, including friends and any changes in patterns over time, is important. A comprehensive evaluation if not already done, seems in order - possibly a full neuro-psychiatric one. ADD/ADHD is a pretty common diagnosis, but also commonly incomplete, and even where right, ritalin is not the only response. I think you need to know more, and have professionals who can guide you accordingly.

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome, Laddjacks.
Doesn't the therapist offer atta-boys sometimes? It's so important with-these kids to balance out the criticism with-compliments.
Or you can say something like, "I am so happy with how quickly you got dressed today." Or start out the therapy session by saying, "difficult child only had one meltdown this week. I am seeing some progress. Why do you think you did better this week, difficult child?"
Try to find something he did right (it's not easy) even if you have to stretch things a bit.
I would also suggest only staying for part of the session, maybe the first half, and letting difficult child stay alone with-the therapist for the last half. A 16-yr-old should be capable of talking with-a therapist alone, even if he's got a language issue. That's up to the therapist to deal with.
Try reading, What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You, by Douglas Riley.