16 yr old devil child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by missionim23, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    Looking for a bit of advice. I'm in Canada and I know it's legal to kick my son out but he just won't leave! He's either wrecked or stolen anything worth while. His brother and sister get the short end because they can't have anything while he's in the house. He's constantly calling me names swearing at me throwing tantrums. If I try to take his cell phone that he "bought" he gets extremely violent. He's ADHD and has refused medications for over a year now, self medicates with pot and cigarettes , drinking etc. I've been a single parent for years now and it's to the point I don't want to even go home. He's failed grade 10 twice and got kicked out this year. Refuses to get a job. Sleeps all day and up all night. I come home from work to a pig stye and his room is a biohazard zone. I'm just so over it all. I feel guilty kicking him out because nobody wants him around. I know it's his own fault but I don't think the streets would do him any good. Somedays i feel like Crawling into bed and pretending the world stopped existing for the day.
     
  2. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    He went out at 130 am Friday night didn't call or text. Didn't come home till sat night with a friend expecting him to stay over. The kid is only in grade 8 and my son is such a horrible influence. I don't want him to be responsible for this kid skipping school either. He blew a fit but his friend listened to what I said and wasn't able to stay over so he left. He is rarely home by curfew and figures he rules the house and nothing applies to him. Sorry I just have fragmented thoughts this morning I'm so mad and have to go to work leaving my house in his irresponsible hands
     
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    If he gets violent, can you call the police and have him removed from your home? It's a lot easier said than done. I've been there and I know it's hard touch up that phone and call the police. What will the neighbors think? But if it's really that bad, that might be your only option.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There has to be a way to remove him from t he house if he breaks the law or assaults you. Have you called the police? Is it fair for the rest of you to have to live this way? If he sleeps all day, like my Daughter once day, he is likely taking drugs that are stronger than pot or alcohol. Do you allow him to have your car to drive? Pay for that cell phone or his gas money or insurance or give him allowance. If you make it extremely boring at your house and cut off the entire money train he will either get a job or WANT to leave and your problem will be solved. Make him do his own laundry, cook for himself, disallow smoking in your house and throw out his cigarettes (I did this) maybe even get rid of cable TV. Yes, he will get angry. If he gets violent, that's when you call the police. He is acting like a young criminal when he does that and I'm sure it scares your other kids.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I agree that it is time for the police to intervene. It is possible that you may get services to help your son and your family.
     
  6. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    I have taken all privileges away I don't pay for his cell phone and I don't have cable. He doesn't want anything lol that's the problem. He's content squatting here. He sleeps most of the day (I'm usually at work) he takes whatever he wants. I pack up most of the electronics and have them in my car everyday so he can't pawn them. Social services said he has to ask for help. Unless I heard them wrong. He jus plain refuses to do anything anymore.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Then call the cops. Do you let him use your car? In my opinion, that is dangerous...I wouldn't if it were me.

    To keep him good about curfew change your locks and don't give him a key. At curfew, lock the doors. Maybe leave out a blanket or pillow so he can sleep outside. Yes, he'll be angry. Oh, well.

    Your house/your rules/your sanctuary/your castle. Your life is precious. Don't let him ruin it. Take charge or call the police. Is there some reason why you won't call the police on him? Have you checked his room completely for drugs? There must be a way to make him leave. There is in the US. I can't believe it's impossible in Canada.
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You're in Canada. Depends on what province... some have more supports than others.

    I'd try calling any of the following, depending on what is available where you are:
    Mental Health (part of provincial health plan)
    Mobile Crisis
    School crisis counselor - I'm assuming the other kids are younger, so school still owes THEM services
    Police community support officer - or some similar title; they know who else to contact, what options you might have
     
  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Wondering how everything is and hoping you have been able to get some help. What about any friends or family members, are they willing to take him? Hugs to you
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you are renting or if you own your own home.

    Sometimes, it works to move and leave the problem individual behind. NOT a simple process - especially with other kids. I've seen it done when the problem is the last kid left at home.
     
  11. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    I'm doing alright one day at a time. I rent but it's not feasible to move at this time. I live in a small community so options aren't as open. Mobile crisis is in the cities not here but gave a bit of advice. My family wants nothing to really do with him, they won't take him in because he does the same things there if not worse (ie steal my dads car and booze). I've learned to not have certain things in the house over the years but it's getting to the point where we can't have anything. Now my daughters laptop is missing and can't prove he took it. Just keeps going. I need to stop being a chicken and just go to the cops I know. Its hard knowing it will make him worse off.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Going to the police can't make him worse off than he is now. And your poor daughter. I don't know how old she is, but he took her laptop, she knows it, you know it, and you won't call him in on it because he probably already sold it. How can SHE live that way? Why should SHE be the one who has to move?

    The cops may straighten him out. It's worth a try. Whatever you are doing for yous son is not working and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Right now your son is a drug using criminal and allowing him to get away with stealing from his own sister is NOT going to make him change. He obviously has no remorse. Sometimes we forget there are other loved ones who need protection from our other kids who are frankly dangerous.

    When I found out my daughter was smoking pot and got it from an adult (she was fifteen) I called the cops on her and the offender, whom I got her to name. To me smoking pot is much less serious than stealing (that came later), but I wanted to do what I could to show my daughter the consequences of doing things that are illegal and, in her case, hanging with adults who prey on minor kids. She was on parole twice. Eventually she was told to leave. She quit drugs, bad behavior and her lifestyle. I have no idea why or if it works for everyone, but getting tough love worked well for her. Ten years later she is living a boring housewife life with her boyfriend of eleven years and her little girl who is seven months old and what a great mother she is! She went to college on her own dime too. She worked until the baby was born, then decided to stay home with her so that they could have all the time in the world to bond. She has a house with her SO, a small one, but they bought it with their own money. She even quit cigarettes. She now has her home a non-smoking area. This from a kid who once did everything and loved meth.

    I use her as an example of one person who benefitted from tough love, but frankly I don't think our adult kids benefit when we go soft of them because we don't want to involve the police, who can actually make a difference. Think of your daughter and her missing laptop which probably went to your son's drug habit.

    I hope you do something good for YOU and put a stop to this kid's stealing...call the cops. Then concentrate on your loved oens who are respectful and kind to you and enjoy your life. We can thrive even when our adult kids are messing up. We chose our life's path and they choose theirs and we can't change what another chooses. But we CAN decide that WE want to live in a safe environment where illegagl activity does not occur under your roof, your sanctuary. And we can decide to protect ourselves and our other loved ones from the dangerous person. So what if he may get into more trouble? He will anyway. He's just asking for the cops to nab him for stealing from a stranger and, trust me, the stranger will have no sympathy at all. Don't try to protect him because you can't.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Be strong and do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It will make WHO worse off?

    The status quo is making things MUCH worse for you and for your other kids. THEY deserve a life, even if you don't feel you can justify one for yourself. I know, I'm a Mom, I'll go to the end of the earth for my kids... but I had to learn that kid 2 doesn't have to do the same for kid 1 that "I" happen to be prepared to do.

    Do whatever you have to do to protect the other kids. Even IF it makes things worse in the short run - or even long run - for your impossible child.
     
  14. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    Thanks for the support everyone. It hurts to think about these things some days and last night was it. He came home higher than a kite. Threw up in the sink then took off again. I had told him it was past curfew if he leaves he will not be allowed back and the cops will be called if he breaks in again. I gave him the number to social services and mental health and he left. I instructed my friend who's staying at my house to keep him out and lock all doors
     
  15. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Im so sorry your going through this, hang in there and good luck. Let us know what happens. Hugs
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Throwing up is a red flag for heroin use, which has made a huge comeback. Please be mindful that this particular drug requires very intensive work in order to quit...and the desire of the person doing it...and it can not be done alone without help. At any rate, it was a good call not to let him back in.
     
  17. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    He's standing in the freezing cold nowhere to go. Didn't bother calling any numbers I gave him crying once again cause his friends won't help him with a place to crash at.
     
  18. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    This morning I tried to get them out of my house he refused blue bit got violent put another hole in the door kicked my front door forced me to call the police so he was taken away and now my mother is taking care of him apparently
     
  19. missionim23

    missionim23 New Member

    Within 32 hours of me finally dealing with this my ex had found out what I had done and decided my other children are not allowed coming to visit. Apparently it was fine with him being deviant in my house but having him removed they fear for the kids safety??? I can't win it seems.
     
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He can't keep your others kids from you legally, can he?
     
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