17 1/2 year old,needs to leave when 18...help

[peg2]

Hello, I haven't been on for awhile and was last on the under 18 forum! My bi-polar,ODD 17 1/2 year old son(18 in May) was in 2 residential,group home type settings(16 months 1 time, 18 months last time) and here we are!!! I made my last ditch effort for treatment for him before Christmas, went for yet another screening, they sent him home, next day I had already had an appointment. for a psychiatrist. He went, didn't want medications, but took a sample packet. Took them sporadically, but not enough to do any good. I signed him out of school, signed up for adult school, doesn't go. Has a job at a gas station now, using marijuana because last hospital screening showed pot in system. And I suspected as much anyway. My question, when he turns 18, he has to go. My mom has some money(which I have control of) saved for him. I don't want to throw him out on the street, but will rent a room or something for him. Don't want it under my name though. Has anyone done something similiar? I have been through it all, he doesn't want help, and he disrupts our lives, I have no choice. Anyone throw their child out, and how did you do it. I have to wait until he turns 18, our youth and family services is strict, will be at my door if I do it now!!
Thnaks.

 

[WiscKaren]

By that time I had had enough of my son, I really didn't care how he would make it on his own. Sad to say, but true. The day I (we) told him to get out, we had reached a breaking point -- it was either him or us! I was not going to continue to care for a man who just sat around on his lazy butt, doing nothing but "partying" at night, in and out of the jail/court system, not working or going to school, and screaming in our faces that "you just don't understand"..... It was over.

Another thing that gave me incentive was watching my grandmother take care of her 50+ year old son, who drifted in and out of jobs and drank continuously. She was almost 80 years old and still putting up with ****. That was not going to be me one day!

Was it easy to kick my son out? Absolutely not. Even though it was a big relief, I cried many, many tears. But there was no other alternative at the time. Do I now regret that decision? Absolutely not!

We now have no contact with each other. Maybe one day we will, but at this point in my life, I just can't.

Good luck and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[susiestar]

Contact Social Services and ask what they can/will do to help him. He may qualify for help with rent, food stamps, etc... This is why they are there. Let them do the work.

Sorry you have to put up with him until May.

Is the $$ in HIS name, or just FOR him? does he know anything about it? It may be useful to NOT have it in his name. It also may be useful (but wasteful) to let him spend it before he turns 18, if it is not a huge amt, otherwise he may be ineligible for Social Services. And he will be expensive for you to help.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[peg2]

Thanks, the money is not in his name,but yes, is for him. He does know about it and wants it, thinks he will get it when he turns 18,but he can't. I use some of it here and there when he breaks something,etc. It is about $14000,00. Could get him set up in a room or something. Meant for college,etc. so I am trying to keep it for that, but I might not be able to. Can't just throw him out, because he does need lots of help. But he must realize he has a disorder,but doesn't,right now.

 

[BusynMember]

When my drug abusing daughter (and it was much more than pot) wouldn't stop self-destructing at home, we made her leave and she was so angry she didn't want our help. She DID call her brother and he let her live at his place (which was a great relief to me as I really ditn't want her on the street, however her behavior was detrimental to my younger kids AND we could have been charged with drug possession since she snuck stuff into the house sometimes). Also didn't feel it was helping her to live at home. I wouldn't have paid for a room, however. I would have made her at least pay part of it herself (to assure she'd get a job). I wouldn't want to give her extra money to buy drugs with either. How does your son feel about leaving? Will he allow you to find resources for him to use or is he in self-destruct mode? (That's horrible, by the way. Almost killed me to watch my daughter self-destruct).
My daughter turned her life around while living with her brother. She is off drugs, even quit smoking cigarettes, and has gotten into health food and exercise. She is quite a different young adult than the wild kid she was, and we are VERY close (I just got off the phone with her). I do not recommend enabling grown kids who do drugs. in my opinion it's the worst thing you can do--it in my opinion and AA and NA's opinion--just encourages them to keep up the destructive behavior. I shudder when I hear of eighty year olds allowing their fifty year old drifter kids to still live with them and wonder if the adults would have turned out differently if they'd been forced out of the hearth and into independence...

 

[standswithcourage]

If he becomes a danger to himself or others he may be committed. At least in our state they can. You have to go to Probate Court and talk to the judge about their behavior in your home. Yes we have kicked our son out too. It was horrible. I worried myself to death but he survived. They have a miraculous way of surviving. I cant say it opened his eyes as much as we wanted it to but it gave us a little peace. Our lives were going down the tubes because of his self destructive behavior - we gave him every opportunity to turn around and he didnt. Today he is in jail.

 

[susiestar]

It may be "for him" but as it is not in his name he will have a chance to get help with low-income housing and other things when he turns 18. His expectations not withstanding, giving him the $$$ now or in the next few years is most likely not in his best interest.

He is unwilling to go to school, is using drugs, how is letting him have any access to this in his interest? Can you keep it in a fund and tell him it went to pay for his residential programs?? They are expensive and if it was for him, as his guardian you had every right to use it for that. Or you could use it for a program for him now, if you think it will help.

Does he not know he has a diagnosis? Is he working? If not, why not? Does he refuse? It really sounds like you should have him go through low income housing, and social services, esp if he isn't working or going to school. Personally, I would let him know the $$$ went to pay for treatment and he will have to work, not live off of it. It might motivate him????

Hope I didn't offend, just offering ideas. I know it won't be easy for you any way it happens.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[peg2]

No offense, Susie. At this point, any advice is helpful. He knows it is still in the bank and I will never let him have a dime in his hand. But, I would start him off by paying for a room,some food, etc. for a few months and then he would have to figure out how to pay for it from then on, he is working at a gas station. I was seriously thinking of using it for one of those wilderness type programs, but they are so outrageous with their costs, it would be used up in less than 3 months. And he has bi-polar, so it won't help "cure" him of that. He knows diagnosis too. I don;t want to waste all of the money when it won't help.
When I took him for a screening 2 months ago, he was not considered a danger to himself or others as he wasn't violent within the last 24 hours, never mind he had marijuana in his system and was walking around with untreated bi-polar!!! Don't commit in NJ so quickly.....We have juvenile charges pending on another matter, I think I will let the court impose sanctions as he doesn't listen to me!!!
Off to work soon, what will today bring????
Thanks for listening.

 

[susiestar]

Peg,

Move the $$$ to another bank. First thing, so he doesn't know where it is and try to get the checks/moneycard/bankbook/whatever.

My thought is if you set him up he will NOT be able to stay there when $$$ runs out. And if he is admitting to pot, there is more. Rehab is expensive. So moving the $$$ and telling him you used it to replace your depleted funds from other expenses, well, it won't hurt him.

Does he want to repair cars? Be a chef? Join the circus? Have any idea?? At some point he may need job training or tools, then the $$$ will be there. But it just doesn't seem logical to me to use the funds when untreated bipolar can so often need medication/therapy/etc and young men will need help in the future. I don't know what you are able to do with-o the $$$, but on his 18th birthday he should be eligible for low income housing, etc.... Let him go this route and then develop some reasonable ambition? Seems like a more useful way to use the $$$, in my humble opinion.

This was my thought behind it.

BUT if he is using drugs he will end up with court costs from arrests, quite likely. It would then be nice to have the $$$ to pay for a good attorney. AND if he is using drugs on what he makes, then when he has bills he will want to get "his" $$$$, even if he has to break in and steal the bank book or whatever.

 

[peg2]

Thanks for your continued support and advice. I am keeping a close eye on the $$$$,that's for sure!!!! Anyway, I don't want to use it for anything useless(like a wilderness camp,etc.) that would be a waste. He will probably be going to juvenile court soon as he wouldn't follow our Juvenile Confernece Comm. recomeendations when we had him charged with attmepted assualt. Here, in NJ, he could have done his little comm.ser.hours and write 2 letters of apology, but refused;charges would have been dropped completely. Now. will go to county court, so if I have to pay for a lawyer, some of his $ will be for that(I don't qualify for a Public Defender). Anyway, he is not stupid, could probab. do well as a mechanic or chef, but BiPolar (BP) gets in the way and he won't. I think I will use a bit of the money to get him a room in May, and from then on he will have to work to pay for it himself. I will hold on to most of the money for when he will undoubtedly need it for something legal, or maybe will see the light and want some help!

Those of you who "threw" your children out, how do you physically do it if they don't want to leave. I am afraid of revenge, slashing my tires,etc. It is so hard and something I was never had to be!!!

 

[BusynMember]

First of all, I'd be careful of the money too. Most likely, he won't use it responsibly and will probably use it for drugs. Pot may be just the tip of the iceberg.
My daughter left with my son when I made her leave. If he hadn't come for her, she may have fought leaving. You may have to call the police and let them know you fear retaliation. If he is that far gone, I doubt any program will help him. If he is also untreated bipolar, I agree with you that he will still have it when he gets out of any program, even rehab, if he doesn't want to comply with treatment. At his age you can't force him to help himself. (((Hugs))) I know first hand what a mess this is.

 

[DammitJanet]

Tossing them out is incredibly hard.

I found that our local cops were not helpful in the least. I think that is what you are asking. I attempted to throw my son out a couple of times by calling the cops and the cops told me I had to go through the eviction process. What a crock! Here he was harassing me, making my life miserable, even stealing from me...and I had to evict him which would also mean the cops had to actually find him to serve him which is an effort in futility because he knows how to hide very well.

At this point we are just waiting for him to end up back in jail and then we wont allow him back in the house.

 

[peg2]

I heard about this eviction process from our cops when my husband inquired last year. Perhaps I should contact someone and get the ball rolling, how ridiculous is that!!! What is anyway elses experience with that, have you had to go to court to evict??

 

[standswithcourage]

I think in South Carolina at least you just go to the magistrates office and get a paper called Notice to Quit - you give it to them yourself and it gives them a certain length of time to get out - it is signed by a judge and if they dont leave by that time you put their stuff on the street - also their is an eviction paper too - it costs about $65.00 here. We went to the magistrates office intending to do this but never did.

 

[Abbey]

Great advice given. I would NOT let that money be available.

Kids at this age seem to feel entitled. It's nice that you would give him a start in life, but he has to buck up and do the rest after the fact. If you give him that money, I can almost guarantee it will be gone quickly.

Set your limits. Give him enough to survive for a month or two, then hold the rest until you see that he is actually moving in the right direction. It's a hard thing to do, but it might help him in the end. Hard work rarely goes unnoticed.

Just my 2 cents.

Abbey

 

[dstr54]

Hi Peg.

You responded to my post yesterday (newbie) & I am grateful.

When my son was your age, we waited until he graduated high school & after much soul searching, kicked him out (about 18 1/2). It was, by far, the toughest thing we have ever done. He didn't have many friends and spent quite a few nights sleeping in his car. We let him in from time to time to shower (I also pay for a family fitness club, so he can always shower at the gym as well).

After a few months of bouncing around at the bottom, he started to get serious about getting a job & slowly started improving. After I saw some improvement, I helped him rent a room so he had a roof over his head. Things went much smoother for a while.

Some children seem to have to do things the hard way. It's tough to watch. Anyway, I believe this has been the best thing for him. He is now more polite, he is more thankful for what others do for him, and although he's still in denial about his role in things, has made significant progress.

Anyway, hope this helps.