17 year old troubles :(

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lp1969, Sep 26, 2012.

  1. lp1969

    lp1969 New Member

    Up until a few weeks ago my son seemed like an above average child. He is 17 years old and the best I can guess, my troubles started about 3 weeks ago when he started hanging out with a new friend (that is 19 with no job and no car) that both, my husband and I were leary of. Then, my son wrecked his car. I did not freak out on him or anything. I just decided that this needed to be a learning opportunity for him and told him that we would help him make a plan and he would need to follow through with it. Now, the car was parked at his friends house and I promised the parents we would have it towed so, I encouraged my son to call around and find a shop that would give us a repair estimate and asked him to pay for the $45 car dolly. He did not have the “rainy day” money saved that we had initially told him he should and became irate and immediately posted nasty comments online knowing I would see them and there was just no talking to him without him being disrespectful that day. I had enough by the time dinner rolled around and when he kept responding to me with “YEP”, I asked him to please say “yes maam”, as he normally does, and he stormed out of the room. Before he could get all the way out of the room, I said, “come back here young man” and he did stop. At that point I just told him that he was having a difficult time with his car situation but, that he needed to step up and make some effort to help handle it and that he should never be disrespectful or act hateful especially when we are just trying to help him.
    Well, I woke up the next morning to a knife stabbed into his ASVAB study book and a post on his social network, that he had “checked into Waffle House” at 2:00am. Things progressively got worse from there because he did not come home that morning and my husband was going to go have the car towed from my sons friends house but, found that my son had vandalized the car making it worth only scrap so, we did the only thing we could do and had it towed to a scrap yard. In the meantime, my son slipped into the house while my husband was in the garage and when he saw he was leaving he refused to let him know where he was going and threw out enough hurtful words to leave his stepdad standing there with his jaw on the ground. At this point, my husband calls me at work and we are both dumbfounded however, this is a kid that wouldn’t dare use any kind of cuss word infront of us and for the most part, is ALWAYS respectful, so, I can not be naïve enough to not be suspecting drugs…….
    I try to make the next part shorter…. So, my son is texting nastiness at me now and says he’s coming to get some things. I told him that he was exhibiting violence with his words and actions and he wasn’t welcome to go into his own room alone because I didn’t want him to destroy anything. I told him he would need to wait until I got home to come back to the house and really, my intention was not to let him leave, but make him talk.
    Then, I got home and decided to take a look in his room and with very little effort, I did find pot and baggies with rements, indicating that he has been doing it often. At this point I told my husband to start getting me boxes and I boxed up my son’s entire room and moved it all to the living room. My son showed up wearing a hat that had a marijuana leaf on it and shook it at my husband saying “How ya like that” and that was all she wrote. My husband calmly told him that we had decided that he needed to get out and to take all of his stuff because we found dope and it was not welcome in our house. While he cussed and carried on, he loaded all of his boxes out to his girlfriends mother’s truck (he told me a long time ago that he didn’t want to go there anymore because she smoked pot in the house AND as far as I have known he never went back over there) and he was yelling and giving us some not so nice hand signals as they drove off.

    First, let me say, this is not my son’s typical attitude AT ALL. I really believe that this has been brought on by drugs and most likely more than marijuana and it is breaking my heart. There is another side of me that says I can not stop this behavior if this is drugs and it is unsafe for this to be going on around my 10 year old. I know I sound like a horrible mother but, even though my eyes are puffy from crying for 2 days, I don’t want him back in my house right now. If I call the cops, it ruins his chances to join the Airforce and that has been his life long dream. In Oklahoma, they would also force him to come home even though he is not ready and he would probably be violent! I am praying and lifting him up to God for healing and I don’t know what else to do.
     
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    :hugs:

    OK, first things first - I am glad you found us, though sorry you needed to...

    Now - repeat after me: I am NOT a bad mother. I am doing the best I can with what I've got available to me.

    You and your husband are on the same page, it seems - which is a rarity when we are dealing with our difficult children. This is a good thing! And it is your home - you make the rules. If you feel strongly enough about any kind of drugs to pack him up and kick him out, then it's probably 1) not a new feeling and 2) not unknown to your son. Very telling, to me, was the comment about girlfriend's mother smoking pot. Your son does know how you feel.

    My Onyxx used to swear up and down she'd never smoke cigarettes, they were nasty. Never do drugs. Never have sex. Well, at age 13 I caught her and her boyfriend, door open, less than 20 feet from her little brother and the kids across the street. She smoked. She did pot, and pills of all kinds, alcohol, cocaine, and I'm sure there was a LOT more than that. (She to this day denies the cocaine... But the drug test popped positive, so...)

    Now honestly, pot is a downer... BUT. Other stuff can be mixed with it. So you're probably right.

    You're a great Mom to want to protect your 10-y/o. Period.

    At age 17, his brain isn't completely developed; on the other hand, he IS old enough to make some of his own decisions. Clearly he has made one that you cannot live with under your roof (and he knows it, or he wouldn't be cussing and oppositional).

    More :hugs:... We're pulling for ya.
     
  3. lp1969

    lp1969 New Member

    Thank you for yur encouragment!!! My husband and I do see eye to eye. We want our home to be the "happy place" that the whole family can come home to at the end of the day. You are also correct about my son knowing how I feel about drugs. I have always had very open conversations (age appropriate, of course) with the kiddos about sex and drugs.

    I just feel so sad right now. Though I am trying to act strong about my decision, I am doubting myself like crazy. I think I packed ALL of his stuff because I wanted him to know that I meant business. But, then I turned around this morning and sent his girlfriend a text that stated, "Please tell_____ that I love him and miss him"............

    No matter how I am feeling, I WILL NOT BACK DOWN and let him back unless he is willing to follow the rules of our home. He would also have to appologize for all of the hurtfull things he said and meant it!!!! I think he would also have to agree to drug testing with a smile on his face. I just do not want him to ruin his future because of poor choices!!!!
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was going to say that it sounds like drugs, especially since it came on so suddenly. And, yes, it sounds like more than pot because pot doesn't make one violent or crazy...just spacy.

    I agree with you that as long as he is behaving this way, he is harming your younger child. However, I'm not sure how the laws are. I know that where I live, you have to provide shelter and food for your child until he is eighteen.

    This nineteen year old sounds like a very bad influence on your son, however, in the end, he is the o ne making the choices and, sadly, he is almost of legal age where he owns his choices and we, as parents, can't do anything about them. I am really sorry you are going through this...been there, done that.
     
  5. lp1969

    lp1969 New Member

    Thanks, MidwestMom! The law is the same here in Oklahoma. I am just in a daze about what to do. No one will say anything if he is going to school and so far he is (I am checking every day). If I report him he will not be able to go to the military with any kind of juvenile record and trust me, in the state he's in, there will be a record if a policeman goes over there to bring him home...................... I am hoping and praying that at some point he will look around him and realize that his family isnt there to love him every night and that he regrets what he has done. I really believe that the best chance I have is for him to come home on his own because HE decides it's where he really wants to be.
    I have decided two thing..........1) If he starts not going to school I will immediately make a trip up there and explain that he is not living at home and go from there 2) If he comes to the house and acts violently again we will immediately call the police. (we have changed the locks so he cannot come in while we aren't at home - I will not have him stealing if his drug problem is serious!)
    Trust me, I'm not blaming the other kid. I just wanted to give a little history of where this started. It was so sudden, it really blew my mind!
     
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm tired tonight but just wanted to reach out and say that you seem to be doing an outstanding job of coping with the shock of his personality change. I KNOW how hard it is to "pretend" you are comfortable taking a stance that makes you want to throw up or go cry. You and husband are doing well and I am genuinely sorry that you had to join us. on the other hand, you have truly found a great group of instant friends. Hugs. DDD
     
  7. lp1969

    lp1969 New Member

    Thank-you all so much!!!! I don't know how I found this site or why I chose to post my problems out there to strangers but, I am glad I did. thank-you for the support :)
     
  8. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I think you are being strong and doing well. And welcome by the way. Sometimes the law isnt in our best interest...that is to say, if he is safe and going to schoolthen I would stay the course. You are stating your values,setting boundaries,and protecting a younger child. My only worry is that such a drastic sudden change makes me thinkhe needs treatment ASAP. Could you make this a condition for returning if he asks to come home? Hang in there. We know how you feel and are here to support each other.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It sounds to me like you have a really good head on your shoulders and are thinking about this very clearly, even in the midst of the chaos, pain and worry. I think you are doing all the right things. The sudden change in behavior is worrisome and does indicate some serious drug use.

    A word of caution about drug testing him.... there are ways around drug tests, things that dont show up that are scarier and more dangerous than pot so I would suggest you keep conditions for him coming home based on his behavior rather than drug tests... drug testing gets you into this strange and slippery slope. So yes he needs to treat you respectfully, obey your rules at home, and certainly not bring or use drugs in your home. BUT you really have no control about what he does outside of your home, so I wouldnt even go there. You dont want to create a situation where his main goal is how to get around the drug tests. I speak from experience on this issue.

    And keep coming here... many voices of experience hear along with a lot of heart.

    TL
     
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our board and I'm glad you found us. Realizing that our child is on drugs and especially seeing the violence that comes with isawful, it gives us a pit in our stomachs and sends panic to our hearts. I understand your reluctance to involving the police. We had to face that also. In the end the violence was increasing and our daughter left us no alternative. There was a time when all I could think about was protecting her future. That turned into trying to protect her life. We had to involve the police and I was prepared to tell any judge I had to that my child was on drugs and needed help and I couldn't help her any longer.

    When will your son turn 18? Is he a senior in high school? I know it's important for him to finish school. You can't allow drug use in your home. If he is on drugs the air force will not take him anyway. If his drug use escalates he will have more serious problems than not getting into the air force. I'm not sure what leverage you have with him right now, and I certainly would not allow him in your home while he is actively using and being violent.

    You have some difficult decisions to make in what you will accept. He is making the choice to use drugs and therefore he is the one putting his future with the air force in jeopardy.

    by the way my difficult child was very nasty and violent when smoking pot. She was being tested frequently by an independant lab so we knew it was just pot, but there were times when I was afraid of her. Perhaps something was laced in the pot that didn't show up in tests but she was a different person and it did not make her mellow at all.

    You are in an awful place, I understand you are torn and not sure what to do. There are no easy answers and we all have to do what we feel is best in our heart.

    Nancy
     
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our board and I'm glad you found us. Realizing that our child is on drugs and especially seeing the violence that comes with isawful, it gives us a pit in our stomachs and sends panic to our hearts. I understand your reluctance to involving the police. We had to face that also. In the end the violence was increasing and our daughter left us no alternative. There was a time when all I could think about was protecting her future. That turned into trying to protect her life. We had to involve the police and I was prepared to tell any judge I had to that my child was on drugs and needed help and I couldn't help her any longer.

    When will your son turn 18? Is he a senior in high school? I know it's important for him to finish school. You can't allow drug use in your home. If he is on drugs the air force will not take him anyway. If his drug use escalates he will have more serious problems than not getting into the air force. I'm not sure what leverage you have with him right now, and I certainly would not allow him in your home while he is actively using and being violent.

    You have some difficult decisions to make in what you will accept. He is making the choice to use drugs and therefore he is the one putting his future with the air force in jeopardy.

    by the way my difficult child was very nasty and violent when smoking pot. She was being tested frequently by an independant lab so we knew it was just pot, but there were times when I was afraid of her. Perhaps something was laced in the pot that didn't show up in tests but she was a different person and it did not make her mellow at all.

    You are in an awful place, I understand you are torn and not sure what to do. There are no easy answers and we all have to do what we feel is best in our heart.

    Nancy
     
  12. 92025

    92025 Member

    Very good point about the drug test evasion Toughlovin.
     
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! I think you are doing all the right things!! Fingers crossed he comes to his senses quickly!!
     
  14. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    1 piece of advice: when he comes home, be sure to not only expect an apology but also to levy a punishment for the behavior you've described. Many, many parents of difficult children let them off the hook if/when they resume ordinary (i.e., unobjectionable) behavior (or come home, in your case), as they're so glad that things have returned to normal. The difficult child, however, learns a lesson from this: I can abuse my parents terribly and get away with it scot free, merely by stopping the abusive behavior. He has cussed you and your husband out quite violently, flipped you off, etc--that should not be given a "free pass."

    I saw my nephew difficult child do this repeatedly: grossly abusive language and behavior, then a full "re-set" with no consequences when he calmed down and returned to behaving inoffensively. And I know that many difficult children do this. It's part of the syndrome and it's part of why their GFGness persists--they learn how to get away with it.
     
  15. lp1969

    lp1969 New Member

    Well, he has called me a couple of times. Seems his girlfriends mom has schooled him in emancipation. Oh, and she bought him a dog, is letting him drive her car, and gave him his own room...........He has surrounded himself with people that are living a real trashy lifestyle. He also changed his facebook page to a picture of himself wearing that lovely mariguiana (sp?) hat that I spoke of before. But, the funnest part of my week was when my mother called and said, "sweetheart, ummmm I just don't even know how to say this but, ... wrote on his FB page that you are a ****, OH HONEY that's just not like him". Yes, that was a fun moment explaining to my mother that her straight "A" grandson has done a 360 on me..........ARGGGGGGG
    I have always been one to scoff at others who say they just can't make thier kids do what they want but, I can sure sympathize with them now!
    I did call my son last night and told him to immediately remove his family from his FB page and spare them from seeing his nonsense. I also told him that he needs to think long and hard about what he is doing before I decide for him. He actually stated that he would come home if I got rid of my husband. I replied that it wasn't up for negotiation. He isn't welcome to come back until he is ready to appologize to the whole family (grandmothers included now) and live strickly by the same rules we all live by in our house and any other rules I choose to impose after this incident.

    He then told me he's just going to file for immancipation (sp). I'm at a dead end with him unless he comes to his senses. The people guiding him right now don't live the way he was raised. They go get insurance just to get a car tagged and then drop it. They work under the table to collect free cheese and health insurance isn't needed at the free clinic they go to. I don't know why they are impressing him but, they are and this carefree life seems fun to him I think.
     
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sigh, I have had my fill of "helpful" people who drag our difficult child's down into the same sewer hole they are in. Many of us have had that experience.

    I know what I would do but you have to do what your heart tells you. I would not let him back in the house, he is on drugs and violent and verbally abusive. He trashed a car and left it for scrap. When my difficult child went to live with neighbors who allowed their kids to do drugs in their home I told her that she could not come home and that she needed drug treatment, and I stuck to it. You could force him to come home, he is a minor, you could call the police and charge him and the parents who are helping him, which may be an alternative. But none of that will get him the help he needs. If he can't support himself I seriously doubt whether emancipation will occur. I would ignore his requests and let him make the next move. He doesn't have a car and if he has any money it will run out shortly. He will escalate things when he doesn't get his way.

    by the way I told my difficult child to remove her family from her fb friends also so we didn't have to see her garbage. She also posted a very nasty comment about her family and one of her old friends from high school who is a great girl posted that she felt very sorry for her family and we didn't deserve that. So the people that know you will know the real story.

    Nancy
     
  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Ah, but that depends on where they live. Here in Georgia, they are legal adults at 17 and there is nothing you can do. I couldn't even get help when she was 16. And it really ticks me off that the age of medical consent is FAR too young!!!
     
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah I agree PG, but I assumed he was not an adult if he was trying for emanicpation. In the end, forcing him to come home is not a good choice, nor would I want him there.

    Nancy
     
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Let him try for emancipation....sounds to me like he is using that to try and yank your chain and bargain with you about what he wants when he comes home. Does he really think he can tell you to get rid of your husband? Yikes!!

    And yes people are nuts and enable our difficult children like crazy... nothing you can do about that but let them go ahead and stand firm that you wont. My son lived for a crazy trashy family as well.... and near the end when they were getting sick of him the mother called me a few times I think hoping I would somehow give them some money... she didnt know what she was going to do with him!!! I basically told her I couldnt help.. he was over 18 at that point though.

    As to the nasty things on FB... my difficult child did that to me too at one point. The couple of family members who saw it sort of clucked at me sympathetically and I ignored it. Didnt respond at all. It was embarrassing but at some point i think you just get beyond embarrassment... it is just showing others the kind of things you are dealing with.

    That was a couple of years ago. My son is now who knows where doing who knows what, but he recently posted a I love you mom picture on my FB wall... and several people got to comment on how nice it was. :)

    TL
     
  20. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    lp,
    It seems like your son's brain and moral compass is addled from the "liberating" lifestyle of drugs and scams. He clearly was not raised that way, and I hope for his sake and yours he comes to that realization pronto.
    If he still wants to join the armed forces, I would be amazed, because sub. abuse and that lifestyle sucks all the motivation out of you. You and husband are doing great - keep strong. Let him know you will always love him, but you won't support this craziness. Hugs.
     
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