17 yr old son, defiant and using
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry for you that it came to this. I hope your son is on the way to getting the help he needs. Warm thoughts.
dstc_99
Well-Known Member
The biggest regret I have ever had with my difficult child is getting physical. I think holding him down was a safe way to stop the violence but I also know some people chose to walk away and leave the difficult child in order to avoid legal issues. If you think he won't trash the house you could chose to leave the house while calling the cops or close yourself off in a room.
Update:
So, the State police wanted to take difficult child to a juvenile facility, but the judge said that he wanted that as a last resort and ordered difficult child to stay with my parents until Friday. We have a meeting with the court designated worker to determine a course of action for my son.
I was worried that I had some legal liability due to the fact that I defended myself and hit a minor. The state trooper listed me as the "victim" of a class IV assault/domestic violence. difficult child kept screaming at the cop saying that he wanted to press charges, but the cop said "it doesn't work that way son". The reason I'm concerned is that difficult child is saying that he never struck me, which is an outright lie of course. The trooper even took a picture of my jaw.
I've talked to the court designated worker to determine what was going to happen on Friday. She tells me that we will decide what to do with him and what treatment program/counseling to set him up with. I explained that I'll do anything to help him. Of course he hates me now and doesn't want my help, oh...and I'm stupid. smh
difficult child told my parents that on Friday he's going to ask to be emancipated so that he can just "live on my own". I know that's not going to happen, per the court designated worker. He also said that he would go live in TN with his other grandparents, who incidentally are high powered attorneys (which makes me nervous...always has). That being said, that would be the worst possible scenario for this out of control kid. More freedom and less supervision is NOT what he needs right now.
Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated
So, the State police wanted to take difficult child to a juvenile facility, but the judge said that he wanted that as a last resort and ordered difficult child to stay with my parents until Friday. We have a meeting with the court designated worker to determine a course of action for my son.
I was worried that I had some legal liability due to the fact that I defended myself and hit a minor. The state trooper listed me as the "victim" of a class IV assault/domestic violence. difficult child kept screaming at the cop saying that he wanted to press charges, but the cop said "it doesn't work that way son". The reason I'm concerned is that difficult child is saying that he never struck me, which is an outright lie of course. The trooper even took a picture of my jaw.
I've talked to the court designated worker to determine what was going to happen on Friday. She tells me that we will decide what to do with him and what treatment program/counseling to set him up with. I explained that I'll do anything to help him. Of course he hates me now and doesn't want my help, oh...and I'm stupid. smh
difficult child told my parents that on Friday he's going to ask to be emancipated so that he can just "live on my own". I know that's not going to happen, per the court designated worker. He also said that he would go live in TN with his other grandparents, who incidentally are high powered attorneys (which makes me nervous...always has). That being said, that would be the worst possible scenario for this out of control kid. More freedom and less supervision is NOT what he needs right now.
Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated
dstc_99
Well-Known Member
Well I am glad the court and the court designated worker are going to work with you. I doubt they would let him move to grandparents in another state it would severely limit the options for reconciliation and most courts dont want to keep kids away from their parents. Unless of course you all were ok with it.
As for difficult child he is going to hate you for a while. It's normal. He will eventually grow up a bit but it usually isnt fun getting there.
As for difficult child he is going to hate you for a while. It's normal. He will eventually grow up a bit but it usually isnt fun getting there.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Sir, you are a good father and a loving man. I don't know if Son can take off to TN or not or if he will or if his grandparents would take him in if he defied the courts an d did so. I don't know anything about legal consequences.
If it happens that he takes off and is allowed to stay there because this state isn't going to mess with somebody in another state, then it is no longer your burden. I know you love your son. It is written on every word of your posts. But he has serious issues to deal with and probably can not be a good son right now. He is a mess. One day he may decide to straighten out and even ask you to help him. Right now, it's like he's put up a wall between you. This isn't that uncommon for teens and parents, especially if they didn't live with the parent full time for much of their life.This kid dated my daughter and while I did not like his father much, I knew he would have never hurt his son on purpose. (Yes, I'm glad the difficult child is gone from her life).
I hope this turns out good for all of you. At least you will be getting a rest from the drama and you, your wife and other children can live in peaceful surroundings. It is too bad you hit your son, but I know of quite a few fathers who hit back when assaulted by a child, almost as a reflex. These men loved their kids too, but they did it. One gave his kid a black eye and the kid exploited that at school, making a very well respected man look like he had a violent side.
I hope you can wind down now and relax for a while. It is now out of your hands.
If it happens that he takes off and is allowed to stay there because this state isn't going to mess with somebody in another state, then it is no longer your burden. I know you love your son. It is written on every word of your posts. But he has serious issues to deal with and probably can not be a good son right now. He is a mess. One day he may decide to straighten out and even ask you to help him. Right now, it's like he's put up a wall between you. This isn't that uncommon for teens and parents, especially if they didn't live with the parent full time for much of their life.This kid dated my daughter and while I did not like his father much, I knew he would have never hurt his son on purpose. (Yes, I'm glad the difficult child is gone from her life).
I hope this turns out good for all of you. At least you will be getting a rest from the drama and you, your wife and other children can live in peaceful surroundings. It is too bad you hit your son, but I know of quite a few fathers who hit back when assaulted by a child, almost as a reflex. These men loved their kids too, but they did it. One gave his kid a black eye and the kid exploited that at school, making a very well respected man look like he had a violent side.
I hope you can wind down now and relax for a while. It is now out of your hands.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I think you are doing all the right things. The courts see out of control kids with drug problems all the time and at this age I think most courts really want to find the kid help. That is the best possible thing for him right now. Keep working with the court worker and keep letting them know what you want to see happen, which of course is treatment and help. Be clear that you think him living with the other grandparents would not be the best thing for him right now.
I know it is hard to have your son hate you right now. Its hard because at some level it is normal for there to be some conflict between kids of this age and their parents... but with difficult children it is so much more than whats normal. And it is painful and hurts when you dont have the close loving relationship you want.... but as his dad you are doing the right thing by staying strong and taking a stand for what is best for him. Of course he wants his freedom and thinks he can handle it. He can't and my bet is the court knows this as well.
So hang in there and keep posting.
I know it is hard to have your son hate you right now. Its hard because at some level it is normal for there to be some conflict between kids of this age and their parents... but with difficult children it is so much more than whats normal. And it is painful and hurts when you dont have the close loving relationship you want.... but as his dad you are doing the right thing by staying strong and taking a stand for what is best for him. Of course he wants his freedom and thinks he can handle it. He can't and my bet is the court knows this as well.
So hang in there and keep posting.
Wow, I'm surprised the judge didn't do anything, especially since he was arrested, but then again, they rarely ever do when it's a domestic dispute between parent and child. Don't be surprised. If you really don't want him back in your home, you are going to have to plea and justify your case to the judge. Most parents do not because by the time the fight is over, the guilt is set in. Maybe the best thing to do is release him to his grandparents if that's what he really wants. I'm sure they are not going to let him do what you think they will. Give them a little bit of credit and support.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I dont know..... I know I would have been really uncomfortable with having my difficult child go live with other family members at the age of 17 or 18 (or even now at age 23). I just would have to have other family members manipulated and taken advantage of etc.... plus high powered attorneys are usually pretty busy and so there probably would not be a lot of supervision... and if he is in another state... things could get way of hand fast I think.
Yes, they are NEVER home and he'd have far too much freedom to do as he pleased. Besides, he's mine and I want to see this through with him. I love him, even if I don't like him very much these days
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
My experience has been if you work with the system they will work with you. They see way too many parents who either dont care or who just make excuses for their kids and dont want them to face the consequences. In general (and of course there are exceptions) I think the court folks will work with you to find the best solution for your son... and really it is important for this to happen now while he is under 18. Once he is 18 you have a lot less say in any legal or medical matters.
Given that you are the victim in this case against him they will take what you want into account.
After he is 18 the legal system will probably still talk to you and take input. After he is 18 the medical system and treatment centers will not talk to you unless he signs a release. This can be a huge pain.
Given that you are the victim in this case against him they will take what you want into account.
After he is 18 the legal system will probably still talk to you and take input. After he is 18 the medical system and treatment centers will not talk to you unless he signs a release. This can be a huge pain.
Just think about it. I hate seeing the government involved with raising kids and domestic disputes unless there were no other options. They never helped me and only made things worse, even though I could see that they had good intentions. I know TL will disagree with me, but think to the future. In his mind he will always see it as a trauma, that his own dad got the law involved when there ARE other options. People like me, single moms, we don't have any grandma's or grandpa's around. Like the judge said, he said it to you clearly that it should be the absolute last option. I know you want to see him through this, I admire your responsibility to your son, but is this how you want to go about it? I already see a few of the members coming to slam my opinion right now, love ya ladies, but I had to say how I feel. If the grandparents are willing to take him, let him stay with them a bit. Once you get the government involved, it's really, really hard to reverse it God for bid something ever goes wrong. Please, if pride is what is stopping you, please re-think. You have two different set of grandparents for your son who are willing to take him and I don't have that, and I STILL refused to get the government involved and I am a poor single mom with no help from anyone. Again, I know I am going to get my opinion slammed or disagreed with, but it doesn't hurt to hear everyone's ideas. Him living with grandma and grandpa, is only temporary. I'm telling you, from experience, this isn't the best road to travel especially when you have so many family members willing to help, that is why the even the Judge said to you "it's the absolute last option". Think real hard why he would say something like that.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I am certainly not going to slam anyone. There are no right answers.and I also know the system is very flawed...it can help if you work it but it is still very flawed.
I also know that not all grandparents are good options for a variety of reasons. Some family are an absolutely wonderful resource....but some can make things worse.
I also know that not all grandparents are good options for a variety of reasons. Some family are an absolutely wonderful resource....but some can make things worse.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Guide me, we try not to talk about our political views here. Nothing is black and white including government involvement. They helped me tremendously after psycho kid abused my younger kids.
Every answer has good points and flaws. It is up to us to do it the way we feel is best. If somebody hates the government that is a separate issue from doing what we feel is best for our kids.
I might add, views do come up sometimes, but not in posts about our difficult children. Happens on the Watercolor sometimes.
Every answer has good points and flaws. It is up to us to do it the way we feel is best. If somebody hates the government that is a separate issue from doing what we feel is best for our kids.
I might add, views do come up sometimes, but not in posts about our difficult children. Happens on the Watercolor sometimes.
I appreciate all viewpoints here, because it helps me develop a plan to deal with a situation that I'm unfamiliar with handling.
So thanks to all of you for your advice and opinions on my unfolding drama.
A quick update, difficult child is still saying that he didn't hit me and that I hit him unprompted, and again that is a bold faced lie. He all but said to me that he was going to have me arrested for "abuse". I think this hurts me worse than anything.
This entire thing has consumed me and my wife. Who is now concerned that I'll be charged with something, which may hurt her custody situation with her two kids that have lived happily with us for 10yrs now.
Today, her 11yr old boy, who is the kindest person that I know, asked her why difficult child doesn't want to be part of our family. He went on to say that he loved our family and misses difficult child. When she told me this, I just broke down.
This is affecting my work performance and that's not good at all. I feel lost
So thanks to all of you for your advice and opinions on my unfolding drama.
A quick update, difficult child is still saying that he didn't hit me and that I hit him unprompted, and again that is a bold faced lie. He all but said to me that he was going to have me arrested for "abuse". I think this hurts me worse than anything.
This entire thing has consumed me and my wife. Who is now concerned that I'll be charged with something, which may hurt her custody situation with her two kids that have lived happily with us for 10yrs now.
Today, her 11yr old boy, who is the kindest person that I know, asked her why difficult child doesn't want to be part of our family. He went on to say that he loved our family and misses difficult child. When she told me this, I just broke down.
This is affecting my work performance and that's not good at all. I feel lost
Of course he is going to say that you hit him first. He doesn't want to get into legal trouble and go to jail. Of course he is going to lie his pants off. In his mind "it's either you or me". Do you think he wants to go to jail or have a record? Of course not. So don't take it too personally that he is lying and accusing you. He feels "how can my own father do this to me, so I am going to do it to him right back". That's not something to take personal because most people lie in these situations because they don't want to go to jail.
The question is, what are you going to do? Friday is coming up really soon. Just make sure whatever decision you make doesn't involve pride. What is the best for everybody right now? That's what you need to decide. It seems like you have three options, prosecute him, him prosecuting you, both of you going to trial, Dropping charges and him coming back home or him living with grandparents for the time being.
The question is, what are you going to do? Friday is coming up really soon. Just make sure whatever decision you make doesn't involve pride. What is the best for everybody right now? That's what you need to decide. It seems like you have three options, prosecute him, him prosecuting you, both of you going to trial, Dropping charges and him coming back home or him living with grandparents for the time being.
Sorry MWM, but that is far reaching. With all due respect, how I feel about the government has nothing to do with political views and just because they helped you tremendously does not mean everyone has the same experience. I was just offering ideas. He can pick and choose from us what he decides.
I haven't pressed charges, the state is doing that. I honestly don't feel like there's any chance that I have any legal liability because you're right, people lie to stay out of trouble. I'm sure that the court designated worker sees this all the time.
I do want my son to get the help he needs, but do I take the chance and allow him back in my home. Especially knowing he might try something like this again? My fear is that his actions will affect my wife's custody situation, which would most certainly put a wedge between she and I. Maybe that's a stretch but it's my fear. Do I allow difficult child to rip apart the rest of the family by hanging on and trying to help him? Am I being too dramatic here, worrying too much? I don't know
I do want my son to get the help he needs, but do I take the chance and allow him back in my home. Especially knowing he might try something like this again? My fear is that his actions will affect my wife's custody situation, which would most certainly put a wedge between she and I. Maybe that's a stretch but it's my fear. Do I allow difficult child to rip apart the rest of the family by hanging on and trying to help him? Am I being too dramatic here, worrying too much? I don't know
