18 year old refussing to stay in appartment we moved him into.

[conflicted]

After ten years of therapy, two months of wilderness therapy when he was 16 and about four months in juvenille hall when is was 17 we moved our 18 year old gtg senior out of our house and into a apartment to hopefully finish his senior year and graduate. We let him back home when he got out of the hall two months ago on the condition that he stayed in school, got a job and did not bring drugs into our house. That has not happened he has skipped a number of days of school, has not found a job and is smoking weed just about every day. His latest is he will not stay in the apartment and would prefir to sleep outside and has to the best of our knowledge. We live in a cold (cold) climate above 6000 feet elev. and this is painfull to see for me and my wife. Any advise on how to get through this.



Bruce

 

[Star*]

COnflicted -

Hi there - Sorry this has become such an issue in the Conflicted household, but it's not an uncommon one. It's werid isn't it? At 18 I can remember thinking how much I appreciated my apartment. I wouldn't have given it up for anything. I also remember thinking I knew so much more than my parents and have often said lately I wish I knew 1/2 of what I thought I new 30 years ago. Would be wonderful to be that smart now.

I would be taking a big guess on a lot of things here - The apartment probably has more strict rules than home - or people watching what he does. So he can't smoke pot there or isn't comfy doing what he's been doing in your house. Either that or he's this big man child that is going to do what he wants to do - and is scared to sleep alone. No reason for him to NOT want to sleep alone, be alone, live alone. Something is amiss there. I'd find out what that is. The fact that you're paying for it is ....well that's probably for your sanity, and since I don't know where you live - there could be legal ramifications even though your son isn't smoking under your roof. Landlord may have told him/caught him - and now you're liable. Not sure -

So he's back home, not working, and has HOW many months until he graduates? Pretty scary - THEN what? You plan on throwing him out then? Or are you going to continue to support his behaviors AFTER school because you like the rest of the parents I know don't want him to have a record and ruin his chances for a good school? Yeah see there's the rub. YOU have dreams for your kid. YOU want him to get a job, YOU want him to go to school and graduate, YOU want him to perhaps attend college and work part time. YOU want....YOU want...and what does HE want? Well he's 18 - he's got no clue - so at this point part of your parenting steps in and says (almost screaming) YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT - YOU WANT AN EDUCATION, A CLEAN RECORD, A JOB, AND SECONDARY EDUCATION - and a better job - and get on with your life - make money and support yourself. THAT"s WHAT YOU WANT. I know I'm in my FORTIES - and I've made mistake....s....and I MADE THOSE MISTAKES because------someone let me..and I ....I think......I think maybe it's about time I allowed you to make those mistakes too. Wow......yeap. NO.....I won't let you make ANY mistakes I'm going to make sure that you finish school I'm going to make sure that you don't go to jail, I'm going to make sure that you go to college, I'm going to make sure that you get a job, and get that secondary education I am going to make sure you do this by living your life for you and living mine and monitoring your life - every minute of your life - while I live my life - and......

Eventually - ???? You have to make choices. Do you let them fall, fail.....and walk away from them and really let them suffer the consequences and allow YOURSELF permission to hurt just as badly with their decisions and the fall out? OR do you continue to try to live a parallel life for them, stress yourself out - and maybe be that one in a (pick a number) parent who gets lucky and makes it with a kid who really, and finally pulls their head out of their kiester, lives the after school special movie life and makes it despite all the obvious signs that they were on a path of self-destruct and have been for years and NOTHING you did, do or would have done could have predicted their outcome - and you just wasted valuable life, time and lessons by trying to fix things - that weren't going to be fixed no matter HOW much you interfered and fixed things?

Supporting them is one thing - Trying to live their life for them, isn't doing anyone a bit of good. My son hasn't graduated at 21. He has WAY worse issues than not getting a diploma. To me - Ikept thinking - IF he'd only get an education - he could get a job, and then - things woudl turn around for him. It didn't happen that way, even IF and when he had a job? It didn't turn around for him. He had trouble keeping a job. He had trouble following directions, he had trouble listening to the boss, he had issues with EVERYONE. A diploma wasn't going to change that. And as far as a fast food job? He could have lied and said he graduated. No one checks that at 20.....and it wouldn't have made a difference for your kid - he is smoking dope, he's running with a crowd - he's not listening to simple SIMPLE rules at home. HOW in the world is he going to listen to rules at a job? He's not. Not likely.

YOu want to know what to do? I'd say get yourself and your wife into therapy. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with either of you. You're both just worn out and need some good answers from someone who can see both sides of this war zone and say - OKAY - here's the plan. Let's try this. I bet your son would be shocked if you did XYZ. Let's give that a go. Have you tried saying this? And stick with it. These kids divide and conquer the best marriages. I don't know that they do it on purpose but it seems like it. Once we started family therapy it did get worse at first but then it got MUCH better - my fiance and I started communicating better, and we're on the same page - and eventually when it came time to toss the boy out? We were on the same "OKAY TIME TO GO" page and did it together. It wasnt me saying "HE HAS TO GO" and him going "OH I don't think today ......well I don't know - I'm not saying anything." We totally had a plan and stuck to it -a nd had given our son every opportunity to turn it around and he knew it was going to be - GOODBYE - btu just not - handing him a bag of clothes and a ticket and taking him to a train station. THAT kinda floored him. And THAT"s the day he knew we were done playing with him, his mouth, his behavior and all the group homes, the camps, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, the therapists, the psychiatric docs, the shrinks, the hopsitals, the medications, the foster parents, the respits.....we.WERE. done. period.

He's not perfect now at 21 by any means, and well goodness =he's 21 his skull hasn't even stopped growing together it's unlikely his brain is done developing - so credit where credit is due - but he's made incredible strides forward.

In any event you and your wife are NOT alone. The struggle you describe is ongoing in thousands of houses - in many countries....and at least now you have support and people that don't judge. Just give friendly suggestions -

Hope it helps.

 

[1905]

Wow, I love that advice! From my own personal experience with my difficult child, I could talk and reason with him until I was blue in the face, he was going to do what he wanted to regardless. At one point , like Star, I had enough and went so far as to get a restraining order against my own son. Yet, that was the best thing I have ever done for him. He had to learn the hard way, and it was hard. It would have been hard for anyone but he to get a job at that point, he had to support himself somehow and he had nowhere to live. It's been a few years now, he's 24, we have a good relationship, he pays his own bills, but he wouldn't learn the things he needed to until we removed ourselves from the picture. Why should I? was my difficult child's mantra. Why should he get a job, he could live here and eat here- sell our stuff for spending money........heck no! Some kids learn the hard way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Ahhh kids who think they know so much more than they do. I call it grownupitis. Really not much you can do for someone who is out to ruin their own lives. I think you need to stand back and when he gets tired of the life he is living he will probably figure out he is messing up. They say the frontal cortex finally stops growing around 24/25 and he should begin to settle down by then. Until then, just hang in there and hope he can manage to stay afloat.

 

[Tiredof33]

Bruce it is very hard! Where is he getting the money from to buy pot? My son started at a very early age and was in several court ordered rehabs and many other programs. At 31 he met another just like him (maybe worse) and quit his job to go to school full time (???). My son doesn't appear to learn from his mistakes at all. The phrase 'history repeats it's self' is his life exactly.

Now at 33 she was in detox and he was kicked on the street. He conned me for about 4 months to giving him money to finish that semester. Now he says he is homeless for sure. He has lied so many time about so much I have no clue what is the truth! I am still working on detaching but it does get easier with practice. We all want the best for our children, but we have no control over their lives, only our own.

The posts on this forum are very helpful and there are great books available. All say to stop the flow of money, set boundaries and if they don't follow them they are out of the house. If he is 18 most states consider him an adult so theres not much you can do without his consent.

(((blessings for us all)))

 

[Star*]

Tired - That is a really neat on line resource. Thank you for that.

 

[conflicted]

Thanks for the suggestions on the web site, I read a few chapters this evening. GTG just showed up at 10:45 tonite and will not go to his appartment. What do I do call the police to get him out tonite. It makes no sense and I have to be to work at 6:30 in the morning.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes. Next time he shows up, call the police. Many of us have to do this...it's very hard. Sometimes kids have eviction rights. In that case, start the eviction process ASAP.

Good luck. I know just how hard this is.

 

[Star*]

Yes, its' not what ANY of us want to do - but you've told him he can't stay at your home. NOW you have to have him legally removed from your property. I'd really want to know WHY he does not or CAN not go back to his apartment.

MWM gave you very sound advice. Best of luck.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well if you have rented him an apartment then that is his legal address and turning up at your house is not allowed. I would post a few no trespassing signs on your property so that the next time he comes over unannounced and uninvited you can call the police with no hesitation. Just do it. Go into another room while someone else is keeping him occupied and then the cops will show up and escort him off the property. That first time what they will do is explain the signs and what they mean. If they have to come out again, they will charge him.

 

[Kathy813]

You can call the police and ask for a criminal trespassing order. We did that with our difficult child. The first time they had her sign the order and gave her a chance to leave which she did. She was told if she returned to our property and we called the police they would arrest her.

That did stop her from coming over without getting permission from us first.

We live is a state where there is a law that says if someone lives with you (even without paying rent), they have to be evicted. You cannot just demand that they leave. However, in your case, he has a legal residence that is not your home so you shouldn't have any problems there.

Yes, it is very hard to call the police on your own child but you have to make things very clear to your difficult child. His drug use has consequences and not being able to live in the family home is one of those consequences.

You might be able to take advantage of this, though. When our daughter was truly homeless, she finally agreed to go to a 30-day inpatient rehab.

~Kathy