18 yo daughter moves in with controlling 40 yo controlling boyfriend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sadsuszi, Jun 24, 2014.

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Should my fiancee spend so much time with them without me....

Poll closed Jun 29, 2014.
  1. Yes

    50.0%
  2. No

    50.0%
  1. sadsuszi

    sadsuszi I hope this site can help me.

    The lies started when she turned 17. As soon as I got home from work the first thing I wanted to do go to her room and say hi say in a nasty tone she told me to get out of her room and shut the door because I'm bothering her. Shortly after her 18th birthday she was unhappy about having to be home by 200am .If she would have to told me she had a boyfriend I would have let her spend the night Three days later her and her boyfriend (her ex best friend uncle)with local police department to move her stuff out. As they were leaving he tells my daughter now you tell her you hate her and you don't want to ever see her again. I don't understand she had a nice car we live in a nice house went on family vacations. I begged her to come home. She told me no so three weeks later I removed her from my insurance gave her two days to transfer her cell phone bill into her name terminated all her credit cards. I let her keep the new car. They say time heals but it's been three years when does the healing start.I missed her 19,20,21 birthday..were she celebrated in Vegas. My daughter her boyfriend her dad his wife her aunt and her husband and this is the best part my fiancée of 14 years all trotted off to Vegas. I found out months later. What upsets me the most that my fiancee goes to the river with them as recently as last weekend,dinner BBq even going to her boyfriend son (2 years younger than my daughter) high school graduation. I ask my daughter if I could go replay maybe soon. When I saw some other post I realized I'm not only one this has happen to..
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sad for you and that you are going through this, but you sound a lot like me, and not regarding your daughter. Frankly, your daughter is pretty heartless and mean. Don't feel bad. So is my oldest son and I had to accept it. The amazing thing here is, just like my own family of origin, the other people in your daughter's life and even in your own are also mean-spirited and uncaring of your feelings. Your fiance? Really? Can we say dump him yesterday? Why would you marry somebody who would be so inconsiderate of how YOU feel?

    As for your daughter, stop trying. You won't get anywhere. It can go on for as long as mean-spirited daughter wants it too and begging, crying, acting hurt, writing sappy letters, telling her you love her etc. only makes mean people feel more powerful over you. I had this with my mother. As hard as I tried to win her love, I won her disinheritance when she died. She slapped me from the grave. She didn't see me or my kids for over a decade and I acted like a big fool chasing after her like a two year old who couldn't live without her. Actually, I wasn't THAT bad, and got better with time, but I now see that if somebody doesn't want me if her/his life, I am not going to be there. I don't care if it is a mom, a cousin, a kissing cousin, or my own child. We did adopt a child from another country who never bonded with us and we don't see him. At first I tried the same I did with my mother, but when it came clear he was enjoying it, I stopped and haven't spoken to him since. The very saddest part is that, I really dohn't miss him or want to see him anymore. I have grown to realize I am a good person, deserving of respect, and that I don't care who you are...if you aren't nice to me, I don't want you around. The first time it happened, with my mother, it was harder. Now I myself sometimes choose to let go of toxic people. Thankfully my other kids are there and we love each other.

    I discovered I was making horrible choices about who I let into my inner world, including my first husband. He's not a bad guy, but he was not nice to me during our marriage and we are friends now, but I'm glad I divorced him and married my current husband, who is nice to me.

    Your daughter sounds like a typical difficult child brat unless there is something awful about you that we don't know, but I doubt it. Your fiance sounds like a bigger loser than your daughter. In a creepy way, does he have a thing for your daughter? Why isn't he sticking by your side and finding things for you two to do that don't have anything to do with, what sounds like, a mess of dysfunctional people?

    Are you in therapy? Is your daughter a drug user or is she just spoiled rotten? Does she have a psychiatric diagnosis? Has she always been like this.

    Her boyfriend is not the cause of her behavior, by the way. SHE is the cause of her behavior. And you are not to blame for this scapegoating of you...you have been made the black sheep to this band of Merry Men and Women and you don't have to play anymore.

    Wow, that fiance would be out the door tonight if it were me. Why marry again if the man isn't even there when you are so upset? Sounds like a poor bet for a husband.

    Many, mucho hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Start to care about YOURSELF, apart from these toxic people. I am doing this and you can do it too. You do need therapy of some sort and it is very helpful.

    P.S.--Why not take the car? Is it in her name? She pays for it? Why does she deserve a car after how she behaved? I wouldn't give her anything. What a MEAN way to leave you. She owes you some sort of apology that is heartfelt before, if it were me, she'd get two cents from me let alone a car I pay for. Does she pay her own insurance too? You will not get her love, which she may not be capable of feeling, by trying to buy her off.

    Frankly, your daughter sounds like she is empathy-challenged, but loves money. She is going where the money is. If you had the bundle, she'd hang with you. But it would have nothing to do with love. And it has nothing to do with love regarding her father either. It's all about her. Really, you ought to look up narcissistic and antisocial personality disorder (both of them) and borderline too.

    Fiance also sounds money motivated.

    Ugh. Start your life over with good people who have REAL hearts.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2014
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Here are a few links to the symptoms of serious peronality disorder. Daughter and fiance sound like they may have one of them or a mix. See if it rings a bell. These people are hard to deal with or reason with and lack the normal empathy of most normal people.

    https://www.bpdcentral.com/

    https://www.google.com/#q=narcissistic+antisocial+and+dependent+personality+disorders

    Many of our difficult children suffer from personality disorders. They are very hard to treat because you have to want to change and most people who have them don't think they have problems. But if you understand them...you can learn to spot them and not get involved with others who have these issues. They are VERY difficult, often mean-spirited and often make no sense to "normal" people.
     
  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm very surprised you let her keep the car; and truly hope she isn't driving something in your name without insurance on it.

    It sounds like your daughter, her boyfriend & X husband have labeled you as the enemy. Selfish entitled people like her are always looking for someone (other then themselves) to blame for everything.

    Not sure what to do about your fiancee; it would depend on how he treats you and what is his motivation behind hanging out with "her pack".

    If he's more attracted to her then you... I would cut him off cold, done, as in "see you never a**hole". But if he's good to you and loves you and is only hanging out with them so you have someone on the inside to help get you two back together when she has grown up and gotten over herself... then I would give him nickname "secret agent man" and keep him around. Hopefully you aren't paying his credit card bills, insurance and supplying him with a car also.

    sending hugs and hopes this all works out for you eventually

    Nancy
     
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