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Failure to Thrive
19 1/2 Year Old Struggling With Complex Developmental Challenges
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687387" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome, Tbod. I have nothing special to add but want to say Hi.</p><p></p><p>Many of the issues you are dealing with we dealt with too. Developmental issues. The possibility of Aspergers was raised. ADHD. Anxiety. Uneven social development. I fought against the ED label and only lost in his last High School year, and pulled him out of school. He finished at an independent, private high school.</p><p></p><p>My son is now 27. I will look back at the last 8 years and try to summarize what I tried and what may have worked and did not.</p><p></p><p>I thought of the military too, but then my son was diagnosed with a chronic illness that precluded enlistment. Looking back I do not think he could have done the military or would of.</p><p></p><p>I pushed him into Job Corps which he did successfully complete (a residential, jobs program run by the government which is free.) He completed it because I set that as a condition of his coming home. He selected the shortest program and raced through it. He had problems adjusting to the diversity of the population of students there many of whom come from violent backgrounds.</p><p></p><p>For a long time I regretted allowing my son to come home after Job Corps, because nothing seemed to come of it. He did complete a year of community college but everything seemed half-hearted. I then pushed him to complete a nurse's aid training and he did work about 15 months in a psychiatric treatment center, but his emotional state went downhill. He walked away from the job. At that point in his life he could not sustain the demands.</p><p></p><p>That started the hardest phase. He was depressed and negative and hostile but I would not tolerate him doing nothing in the house. I pushed him out. He lived for a couple years with friends of the family, and applied and successfully got SSI.</p><p></p><p>Why I tell you all of this is because I think, looking back, I tried to micro-manage everything, and felt responsible for everything, felt like what I did or thought or did not do or did not think had an effect on changing the result.</p><p></p><p>I do not think it was about me. It was about my son and what were his attitudes, decisions, and motivation. Looking back he controlled everything. Me nothing.</p><p></p><p>It was, the whole process, an unfolding of how he wanted to mature given who he was, and chose to be.</p><p></p><p>My only role in it (rightful role) was to decide what I would accept and would not.</p><p></p><p>Our kids are their own engines of being. We need just get out of the way. That is what I think now.</p><p></p><p>My son is with us now. He is helping M, my SO remodel 2 houses. One we bought with the idea that he rent part of it. I could never have imagined how motivated he is to conform to our wishes. It just keeps evolving and evolving. He is motivated to stay close to us and to avoid the street. I forgot to add that part. It ended up that he was homeless in 4 counties, over the past 2 to 3 years. That, more than anything else, changed him. He does not any more want to be homeless.</p><p></p><p>To end, I believe that life is what changes our children, their decisions about how they want to live. And the only way they learn what they want is experiencing the consequences.</p><p></p><p>I am hopeful now. Because I see that my son can and will change if it suits him to do so--but he will not change how and when I want him to be. Who knows what more he will change, when the desire to do so is lit? It is not my desire or pain that will light that fire. Only his.</p><p></p><p>That is the lesson we learn here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687387, member: 18958"] Welcome, Tbod. I have nothing special to add but want to say Hi. Many of the issues you are dealing with we dealt with too. Developmental issues. The possibility of Aspergers was raised. ADHD. Anxiety. Uneven social development. I fought against the ED label and only lost in his last High School year, and pulled him out of school. He finished at an independent, private high school. My son is now 27. I will look back at the last 8 years and try to summarize what I tried and what may have worked and did not. I thought of the military too, but then my son was diagnosed with a chronic illness that precluded enlistment. Looking back I do not think he could have done the military or would of. I pushed him into Job Corps which he did successfully complete (a residential, jobs program run by the government which is free.) He completed it because I set that as a condition of his coming home. He selected the shortest program and raced through it. He had problems adjusting to the diversity of the population of students there many of whom come from violent backgrounds. For a long time I regretted allowing my son to come home after Job Corps, because nothing seemed to come of it. He did complete a year of community college but everything seemed half-hearted. I then pushed him to complete a nurse's aid training and he did work about 15 months in a psychiatric treatment center, but his emotional state went downhill. He walked away from the job. At that point in his life he could not sustain the demands. That started the hardest phase. He was depressed and negative and hostile but I would not tolerate him doing nothing in the house. I pushed him out. He lived for a couple years with friends of the family, and applied and successfully got SSI. Why I tell you all of this is because I think, looking back, I tried to micro-manage everything, and felt responsible for everything, felt like what I did or thought or did not do or did not think had an effect on changing the result. I do not think it was about me. It was about my son and what were his attitudes, decisions, and motivation. Looking back he controlled everything. Me nothing. It was, the whole process, an unfolding of how he wanted to mature given who he was, and chose to be. My only role in it (rightful role) was to decide what I would accept and would not. Our kids are their own engines of being. We need just get out of the way. That is what I think now. My son is with us now. He is helping M, my SO remodel 2 houses. One we bought with the idea that he rent part of it. I could never have imagined how motivated he is to conform to our wishes. It just keeps evolving and evolving. He is motivated to stay close to us and to avoid the street. I forgot to add that part. It ended up that he was homeless in 4 counties, over the past 2 to 3 years. That, more than anything else, changed him. He does not any more want to be homeless. To end, I believe that life is what changes our children, their decisions about how they want to live. And the only way they learn what they want is experiencing the consequences. I am hopeful now. Because I see that my son can and will change if it suits him to do so--but he will not change how and when I want him to be. Who knows what more he will change, when the desire to do so is lit? It is not my desire or pain that will light that fire. Only his. That is the lesson we learn here. [/QUOTE]
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19 1/2 Year Old Struggling With Complex Developmental Challenges
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