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19 year old daughter OUT OF CONTROL - stole $, IRS froze bank account
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 650615" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>My daughter's father and I were married before I became pregnant. He has been in her life in every way from the moment of her birth ~ was even there <em>for</em> the birth. We are still married, 43 years later. He worked, I was the mom at home. There were all kinds of perks and family and etc. And yet, you could have been describing our daughter, when you described your own.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to you.</p><p></p><p>You do not deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated this way.</p><p></p><p>Research posted here for us by moms on this site indicates there is a genetic component to personality. </p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong.</p><p></p><p>Your child displays many of the characteristic behaviors of what we call difficult child (Gift From God) or differently wired, kids.</p><p></p><p>The divorce, the presence or lack of a father, religious upbringing or atheist ~ none of that seems to matter. As you read with us, you will find every kind of parenting represented, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>The one thing we all have in common is that, however well or badly we raised our children, there are those kids who are "differently wired", as one of our moms describes it, from birth.</p><p></p><p>This is an important thing for us to know. It is a very hard thing, to love a self-destructing, differently wired child.</p><p></p><p>And yet, we do.</p><p></p><p>And loving them destroys us. All of us, each of us, every time. </p><p></p><p>There are two questions, here: How to help our children and how to recover ourselves. </p><p></p><p>What we are learning, here on the site, is that the answer to both questions may be the same thing. There is a theory of parenting specific to differently wired, or difficult child (Gift From God) kids. The theory is called detachment parenting. I would say that each of the parents here on the site is in some version of learning to be comfortable with detachment parenting. It is counter-intuitive parenting...but it actually does seem to help some difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>Detachment parenting definitely helps parents establish loving boundaries between themselves and their difficult child kids. The boundaries from the parent's side will be loving. difficult child kids hate and resent us whether we help them, destroying ourselves and our lives in the endless process of trying to get them on their feet, or not.</p><p></p><p>Expect your daughter's behaviors to escalate when you stand up to her.</p><p></p><p>That is what difficult child children do, whether they are 19, like your daughter, or 39.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Then it is time for things to change. Thank Heaven you are here.</p><p></p><p>When our kids behave this way, we are so appalled, we feel so guilty, we live day in day out and every long night with such deep regret that we forget we hold all the cards.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Sweet girl.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Is she using and selling drugs?</p><p></p><p>More importantly, is she using and selling and storing drugs in your house?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so sorry. No mother should hear such things from the child she birthed.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>We have been where you are.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is debatable. We will go to great lengths to save our children from themselves. </p><p></p><p>There is no one who could take the kinds of abuse our kids dish out without responding in a way that escalates the violence ~ especially when the child's behaviors are putting him or her at risk and we are trying to save them from themselves. </p><p></p><p>We become desperate, and desperate people do desperate things ~ things they never imagined themselves doing.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>But you probably will not be able to. I never wanted my kids to have legal problems to cope with on top of everything else that was going wrong.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>This, you can and should do.</p><p></p><p>Change the locks. Don't let her in. Call the police when she does come. </p><p></p><p>She is not the boss of you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the hurt of it. The others are right. This child is dangerously out of control and has no compunctions about abusing you. The longer this situation continues, the worse it will likely get.</p><p></p><p>There was a mom who posted here some time ago whose child had put her in Intensive Care with a brain bleed. </p><p></p><p>I believe the child was in his late twenties when that happened.</p><p></p><p>She still took him back.</p><p></p><p>And he continued to abuse and disrespect her and play her with a finesse unimaginable.</p><p></p><p>When she was able to get him out of her house, she began to be able to see her reality differently.</p><p></p><p>And she began to reclaim her life.</p><p></p><p>We have all heard the stories of those parents whose children dominate and abuse them well into old age. </p><p></p><p>You don't want that to be your story.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>If you are not comfortable with putting your child on the streets, would it be possible to rent a room for a specified time with a clear end date? Say, a month or even, three or six months? It could be that once she is away from home and understands she is on her own, her attitude will change and she will stand up. If it doesn't, and if she does not keep a job, that is on her. You will have had those months to regroup, and to remember that birthing and raising this child does not entitle her to your self respect, or to your life.</p><p></p><p>However tough we may talk sometimes, in the real world, there is that place in our hearts where we just cannot turn our children away with nothing.</p><p></p><p>Get her out of your house however you can do it.</p><p></p><p>I think there is no other solution.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>What you will learn, here with us, is how to survive the hurtful, outrageous things life with a difficult child child revolves around. It isn't easy, and it isn't pleasant, but it can be done.</p><p></p><p>Welcome, New York Mom.</p><p></p><p>You have been alone with this for a long time.</p><p></p><p>Now, you have all of us.</p><p></p><p>The site is anonymous. The more often you post, the more you will see yourself in our stories. You are not the only parent in this position. It is shocking how many of us there are. We all have had to become very strong.</p><p></p><p>You will, too.</p><p></p><p>But we are right here, and we have been where you are.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 650615, member: 17461"] My daughter's father and I were married before I became pregnant. He has been in her life in every way from the moment of her birth ~ was even there [I]for[/I] the birth. We are still married, 43 years later. He worked, I was the mom at home. There were all kinds of perks and family and etc. And yet, you could have been describing our daughter, when you described your own. I am sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. Research posted here for us by moms on this site indicates there is a genetic component to personality. You did nothing wrong. Your child displays many of the characteristic behaviors of what we call difficult child (Gift From God) or differently wired, kids. The divorce, the presence or lack of a father, religious upbringing or atheist ~ none of that seems to matter. As you read with us, you will find every kind of parenting represented, here on the site. The one thing we all have in common is that, however well or badly we raised our children, there are those kids who are "differently wired", as one of our moms describes it, from birth. This is an important thing for us to know. It is a very hard thing, to love a self-destructing, differently wired child. And yet, we do. And loving them destroys us. All of us, each of us, every time. There are two questions, here: How to help our children and how to recover ourselves. What we are learning, here on the site, is that the answer to both questions may be the same thing. There is a theory of parenting specific to differently wired, or difficult child (Gift From God) kids. The theory is called detachment parenting. I would say that each of the parents here on the site is in some version of learning to be comfortable with detachment parenting. It is counter-intuitive parenting...but it actually does seem to help some difficult child kids. Detachment parenting definitely helps parents establish loving boundaries between themselves and their difficult child kids. The boundaries from the parent's side will be loving. difficult child kids hate and resent us whether we help them, destroying ourselves and our lives in the endless process of trying to get them on their feet, or not. Expect your daughter's behaviors to escalate when you stand up to her. That is what difficult child children do, whether they are 19, like your daughter, or 39. Then it is time for things to change. Thank Heaven you are here. When our kids behave this way, we are so appalled, we feel so guilty, we live day in day out and every long night with such deep regret that we forget we hold all the cards. Sweet girl. Is she using and selling drugs? More importantly, is she using and selling and storing drugs in your house? I am so sorry. No mother should hear such things from the child she birthed. I am so glad you found us. We have been where you are. Ouch. That is debatable. We will go to great lengths to save our children from themselves. There is no one who could take the kinds of abuse our kids dish out without responding in a way that escalates the violence ~ especially when the child's behaviors are putting him or her at risk and we are trying to save them from themselves. We become desperate, and desperate people do desperate things ~ things they never imagined themselves doing. Yes. But you probably will not be able to. I never wanted my kids to have legal problems to cope with on top of everything else that was going wrong. Yes. This, you can and should do. Change the locks. Don't let her in. Call the police when she does come. She is not the boss of you. I am sorry for the hurt of it. The others are right. This child is dangerously out of control and has no compunctions about abusing you. The longer this situation continues, the worse it will likely get. There was a mom who posted here some time ago whose child had put her in Intensive Care with a brain bleed. I believe the child was in his late twenties when that happened. She still took him back. And he continued to abuse and disrespect her and play her with a finesse unimaginable. When she was able to get him out of her house, she began to be able to see her reality differently. And she began to reclaim her life. We have all heard the stories of those parents whose children dominate and abuse them well into old age. You don't want that to be your story. *** If you are not comfortable with putting your child on the streets, would it be possible to rent a room for a specified time with a clear end date? Say, a month or even, three or six months? It could be that once she is away from home and understands she is on her own, her attitude will change and she will stand up. If it doesn't, and if she does not keep a job, that is on her. You will have had those months to regroup, and to remember that birthing and raising this child does not entitle her to your self respect, or to your life. However tough we may talk sometimes, in the real world, there is that place in our hearts where we just cannot turn our children away with nothing. Get her out of your house however you can do it. I think there is no other solution. *** What you will learn, here with us, is how to survive the hurtful, outrageous things life with a difficult child child revolves around. It isn't easy, and it isn't pleasant, but it can be done. Welcome, New York Mom. You have been alone with this for a long time. Now, you have all of us. The site is anonymous. The more often you post, the more you will see yourself in our stories. You are not the only parent in this position. It is shocking how many of us there are. We all have had to become very strong. You will, too. But we are right here, and we have been where you are. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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19 year old daughter OUT OF CONTROL - stole $, IRS froze bank account
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