19 year old stellar srudent admitted to eating pot brownies

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by threegirls, Jul 23, 2013.

  1. threegirls

    threegirls New Member

    I am looking for some advice. My 19 year old daugher left for college last fall. She goes to school on the west coast, we live on the east. Her 60k a year school costs us less than 10 because she has worked her ass off and is a brilliant biochem/mollecular biology double major. She is home for the summer, and her friedn came to vist, and brought pot brownies, which she decided to eat. I took one look at her and knew something was up. She admitted it. Now I am in the conundrum of how to proceed. I have grounded her, sort of, let her have people over, but not letting her spend the night out, etc. Limited the car use to and from work or to pick up a friend to come over. She is a really good kid, but telling me she has been making all of her own decisions since last august, and takes care of herself and feels like I am treating her like she is 12. I explained she violated a major trust issue (she ate them in my home), made a stupid decision, and has to suffer some consequences for that. I explained that though she has been taking care of herself, it is with our finances, and expescially while she is home, she is still under our rules and repercussions. She is very angry, and I have always had a great relationship with her, and I feel like I am pushing her away. Please, any advice as to how to proceed would be appricated.
     
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ok I am replying thinking of my together daughter who is headed off to college in a month. We have a great relationship and she is open with me about stuff including some drinking. I trust her, she is doing well in her life so I would use this as a chance to have a good discussion with her about all the related issues. And I would explain why you don't want any drug use in your home.
    One pot brownie does not mean there is a substance abuse problem.
    My son is a whole different story though.
     
  3. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    Despite minoring in better living through chemistry in college, I graduate *** laude from one of the top ten engineering schools in the USA. I have gone on to a successful high paying career and I am well recognized in my industry. If your daughter is otherwise a good kid, a little partying is not a cause for alarm. On the other hand, as my mother told me when I was your daughters age and I came home from college for the summer "I don't care if you are 30 years old, if you live under MY roof, you live by MY rules." It's just that simple. Your daughter is an adult, you can't run her life, but as long as she is living under your roof, if you don't want drugs in your house, that is your rule and your right, and you can tell her that if she doesn't like it, she can get her own apartment.
     
  4. Scott_G

    Scott_G Member

    My parents were pretty strict when I was growing up. I was an honor student and never got in trouble with the law. Like many teens I did experiment with marijuana and alcohol, but I never let it get in the way of my priorities. I understood the the importance of doing well in life. As a teen, my curfew was at least an hour earlier than all my friends. When I went away to college it was my first taste of real freedom. For the first time in my life there was no one telling me what to do or what not to do or what time I needed to be home by. When I returned for the summer after my freshman year I expected things to continue that way, after all, I was an adult. This did not match with my parents expectations. For us, curfew was the big sore point. My parents gave me a midnight curfew on Friday and Saturday and an 11PM curfew on weeknights. I thought it was horribly unfair, but as my mother said, their house, their rules. They didn't want to worry about me if I was out all night and my father had to get up very early for work. Of course I broke curfew often and we fought about it quite a bit. The summer after my sophmore year I got an apartment off-campus with some friends and never lived with my parents again.
     
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are being too hard on your daughter. She is doing well in school in a difficult field. I suspect she has her head on straight. I do think you may be pushing her away and that your relationship may be negatively affected. Trust me I do not agree with drug use but what your daughter did is so far less than what most of us have dealt with. Hopefully you can have a good conversation about this, explain your fears and then tell her that you trust her judgement.
     
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your fears but I echo what the others have said. It doesn't sound like your daughter has a substance abuse problem. It sounds like this is the classic struggle that most parents face when their child comes home from college for the first time. She wants to be treated as an adult and you see her as your child.

    I do agree with you that she needs to respect your rules about drugs in your home. Try discussing this issue with her calmly and explain that you understand that she is an adult but that there are still house rules that she needs to respect.

    She'll be going back to school soon so try to enjoy the time that you have left with her rather than letting this come between you.

    ~Kathy
     
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Ditto, the others. Even my 100% perfect oldest easy child "ate a brownie" back in the 70's. Good luck. DDD
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Honestly, it sounds like you have a good kid. Did you never get drunk once in college? Unless it becomes habitual, I'd let it go. You have allowed her to go far away to college knowing she will be on her own, making her own decisions and seeing things from her peers that you won't approve of. She has so far done very well. One time or even five bloopers does not a drug addict make.
     
  9. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    The first summer when they came home from college is the worst. My daughter, who is a easy child, would stay out all night without calling because she got used to that at college. I told her that she didn't have a curfew but I needed a call by midnight to tell if she was coming home and when or if she was staying at a friend's. She has 3 younger brothers and I couched it in terms of setting a good example for them, as well as letting me get to sleep. She got it. She's now home after 2 summers away at school working and it's been a delight.

    As for your daughter, if you have younger children at home, talk to her about how she is a role model and an example for them. How would she feel if a younger sibling came in and saw her eating a pot brownie or worse yet, grabbed one and popped it in his mouth? You also need to just tell her that no drugs are allowed in the house, it's a rule. I abandoned or amended many rules as my kids got older, but drugs and underage drinking are non-negotiable.

    Good luck, she sounds like a basically good kid. I drank in college (legal age was 18 then) and smoked some pot but I managed to become a lawyer and a decent citizen.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think a couple of brownies isnt going to kill her. Most adults arent altering boxed brownies anymore. I think that is a young college thing.

    *Now if her grades drop into the potty then you will know there is more of a problem. She sounds like she is highly intelligent so this might just be a summer fling.
     
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