2 points for mom today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Jan 5, 2007.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yep,

    I get to be proud of me today!

    This morning, took young difficult child to his last probation appmnt.
    Took 45 mins before he returned to the car after dropping him off at front of building. Parking was horrid, had to go across street 2nd lot in front of another building.

    Suffice it to say, difficult child was livid when he finally found me.
    He threw a rock in the direction of my car when he finally spotted me.
    He then got into the car, door slammed of course and proceeded to demand to know why the F I wasn't waiting directly out front for him, why was I so Fing stupid, and that he should just assault me right then and there since he's now off probation. Oh, and that he's been wondering around for past 30 mins or so in the cold cause of "me".

    I told him, "well, you finally found me. Not my problem that it took you this long. Your problem you didn't wear a jacket on a cold day and Oh, now that you're off juvenille probation if you want to assault me (he has Never hit me mind you) you get to go to Adult Jail. Your choice and by the way, when you're through with your verbal rant then and only then will I start the car up and begin driving home.

    He finally decided to shutup between there and home. He demanded I take him to Sonic to eat. I told him, "NO, I don't give out nice treats when I'm not being treated nicely. He did tell me he was getting out of the car and going to eat when I got to the red light near our home. I told him, "if that's what you choose to do."

    By the time he walked home, he was acting as if nothing happend and wanted to discuss some of his relationship problems with me. He tried to quickly apologize (after my prompting)...I mean a REALLY fast "sorry" but no deal.
    I told him when he was ready to stop and think about his behavior and give me a proper apology then I might be ready to have open conversations with him again.


    Anyway, I'm proud of me today. Healthy exampling in front of my difficult child.
    I didn't walk on egg shells. It's still taking lots of "conscious" effort for me to be unafraid and steadfast with my new thinking and behaviors.
    I am so used to being victimized and bled dry by my difficult child's.
    I am learning better and showing a better example at least to young difficult child.

    So, 2 points for mom!!! :princess:
    lovemysons
     
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Good for you, lovemysons! I've been trying to become less of the victim & less walking on eggshells. It is hard.
     
  3. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    That's a good thing. It's hard to walk on eggshells all the time with them. I'm glad you stood up and showed him what you won't take in such a positive manner. It may make him stop and think next time. Way to go!
     
  4. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    Yes, good for you. I have been in that exact situation. The abuse gets unbearable, but you did not back down to his demands and you got an apology. Hurrah! Maybe he will think twice about acting like that next time. I always hope that, but my difficult child just keeps on losing it in rages, I think it is the drugs causing mood swings.
     
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the acknowledgment...wildcatsfan, Lori4ever, and Getting happier.

    These are baby steps for me...and I think young difficult child "wins" too.

    He finally did give me a proper apology. I did help him out with that to a degree. Getting him to answer what happend first, second, third etc. He had an expectation he made an assumption and came to a faulty conclusion not to mention his over-the-top emotional state and verbally abusive rant.

    I am noticing that when I am in "top form" and not allowing myself to be victimized it tends to not get as complicated. The problem is resolved faster and we are both able to move on not dwell in misery and pain.

    I am a work in progress...just hope I am in ready-shape next time. It certainly is very hard to not take their behavior personally, get defensive/justifying or controlling. These are areas I know I need LOTS and LOTS of help with.

    Getting happier...Yep, the drug/alcohol use will ensure a more emotional/delusional thought process. There is no way to be effective at all when they are stoned, high, drunk etc. Removing either them or ourselves is likely the best idea when they are in that condition...it's not something I have any power to control that's for sure, it's dangerous.

    Also wanted to note, young difficult child has not shown up positive on any of the many drug tests he was given over this past 12 months of probation. But, then again, he has never shown up positive.

    I think he is learning...slowly, but I do see signs of improvement.

    lovemysons
     
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Good for you!!! I think I would have been ready to open the door and push him out and drive away, then ask him when he got home how cold he was??????

    It takes time. My difficult child used to expect things, and now he appreciates them, but it took a long time to get him to that point.
     
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    LOL Karen...sounds like you are pretty darned good with self preservation. I admire that more and more these days.

    My natural temperment tends to lean toward the depressive/negative side when feeling attacked. In the past I have often turned it in on myself, blamed me in some way, or a cold unfeeling world, after such a scenerio. "If only I was a better mom, if only I tried harder to understand, if only I could love away and convince them of what is good", "if only if only" etc. My life, my very survival, was quite dependent on my sons (and others). That's a dangerous amount of power to give to my difficult child's or anyone. I truly did not know the difference between "self care and selfishness".

    progress not perfection...I have to give myself some wiggle room. :biggrin:
    I did the best I knew how.
    lovemysons
     
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think that is one of the best sayings I learned at alanon, progress not perfection. It helped me a lot with my difficult child's progress, as well as my own. I still use it a lot when I think things should be moving along quicker with difficult child.

    As mothers, we have all done the best we could with what we knew. I used to ask myself constantly if I was too lenient, etc. and my husband used to make me question how much I allowed difficult child to manipulate me. I don't do that to myself any longer, because it can't change anything. My difficult child was raised the way he was raised, made his choices, and now I have to make mine. Don't beat yourself up over it, and most of all don't allow him to treat you with disrespect.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    LMS,

    I am so PROUD of you! I think this is a 3-pointer! It is really hard when they act the way young difficult child did. You are just amazing!

    Susie
     
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi Susie...

    Okay miss Susie, you've spent the night at my home several years ago, you KNOW I squat just like the rest of us! Nothing too amazing about that, giggles. But thank you for the acknowledgement.

    What is amazing, is that I was ever willing to open myself up to solutions beyond my own and begin applying them. At every turn in the past, I found failure, nothing that worked. I have had to accept "what I have" and address it, the alternative was death. I am trusting the process as much as I am able, my hope is that my sons will choose to do the same. We've lost too many good souls to addiction issues throughout husband and my family. The price is SO high.

    In sort of a symbolic chiastic struture..."We always find what we're looking for in the last place we look".


    Thank you Karen for the good reminders. "To thine own self be true"...

    lovemysons

    ps edited for too much unsolicited info. Still working on this.
     
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