20 y/o difficult child wants to move home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryagain, Jan 14, 2014.

  1. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Background: I have been on this board sporadically whenever difficult child (age 20, bipolar) would really be getting to me. It turned out to be a blessing that she left a year and a half ago to move five hours away with boyfriend. At first we were upset, but now we are so glad that he supports her and puts up with her, so we can have some peace in our lives. She was a very difficult teen and despite medication and top-notch psychiatric help and care, when a mood swing hit, she could be very violent. We had to hide all knives. Sometime she would chase me through the house and I would be terrified. Well, difficult child just called to tell me she wants to move back here (5 hrs away)and live in our house and work and wait for boyfriend to come down later once their apartment lease has been paid off in the fall-and I told her I did not think that was a good idea, that she should stay there and work and wait for boyfriend. I told her I feared it would send her into a mood swing being away from him -it always has, after about three days -and it hasn't been that long that I remember being chased, threatened, and terrified. We were afraid she might burn down our house or something. I do not want all that to start happening again. And if she is away from him, I fear it will. I told her I did not think she would be happy here and that I did not want to go back to that way of living. She did not like this and hung up on me. Thank goodness my husband is in total agreement with me on this. I guess I just wanted someone to listen who would understand. I never thought I would turn away my own child, but this is something we have to do for our sanity-and for hers, as well. Thank you all for being there.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely agree that you and your husband are making the correct choice for YOU. Many of us here on the PE side have been put in that same position and we remember vividly what it's like living with them............I understand what you are saying and if you need an outside acknowledgement for your choice, here it is.........when our kids are violent it is not appropriate, healthy or any kind of good idea to allow them to come back home and begin another reign of terror. None of us ever thought we would turn away our own child, but the circumstances we are presented with demand that we make different choices. I'm sorry you have to make the choice at all, but since you were put in that position, in my opinion, you made the right choice. And, I understand how hard it is too. Sending good thoughts...............
  3. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Recovering enabler, bless you for your kind words and affirmations. They will help me sleep better tonight.
  4. Tryagain, you need to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Tryagain, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry this is happening. But...in a very strange way, this is a good thing. Can you look at this time as an opportunity for you and husband to clarify boundaries? A time when you stand up for yourselves and each other and your right to sanity and stability in your home?

    That's what this is, Tryagain.

    This is a time for you to practice claiming and defending what you love as much as you love you difficult child. A time for you to bless yourself and your husband with the knowledge that you will protect what you've worked so hard to create: peace in your own home.

    Your daughter should understand this, Tryagain. She should hear you state your rights to live free of her drama loud and clear.

    It isn't going to feel pleasant. The decisions we make regarding our troubled kids go against everything we wanted to be as parents. It is really uncomfortable to stick to our guns. But when we know so clearly that having them home again would be the wrong thing, then the only fair thing to do is to tell them, right up front as you have done, "No."

    It might help to journal about this. Maybe you and husband could go to dinner and talk the feelings out. Whatever you do to help yourself when you are stressed would be a good thing to do, now. You did the right thing in telling difficult child she could not live with you, again. That was honest and true. Your reasons for not wanting her in your home are good ones. Now, you need to walk through the feelings. It will be easier, the next time.

    Don't back down, Tryagain.

  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Tryagain...I KNOW in my heart that you are doing the right thing. YOu can't let her come live in your house again, for so many reasons...if only because old patterns die hard, sh'ell be stressed and she'll do what it is she is used to doing in your house, even if she wouldn't do it anywhere else...since in this case that involves knives...it just isn't possible.
    MOre importantly...it is your house. Your sweet short life. She has one too (a sweet short life) and she can manage hers. You need to manage yours. You don't have to tell her what to do (stay there till boyfriend can move) you can just tell her what YOU are going to do,k which is continue to keep your house peaceful with you and your husband, and live a calm and peaceful life. And wish her luck. You cannot be the answer to her problems. She needs to work a little harder and figure something out independently...she is too ol, and too much water under the bridge, to just fall back on mom and dad.
    You did the right thing. I know it is hard. Bless you for managing to say it, that must have been diffficult. Hold on to that thought. This is right for you. It is right for your home, your space, your marriage. She sounds resourceful...she'll figure it out once she sees that this particular door is closed to her.
    Good luck.

    PS some one who hangs up on you when you tell them something that they don't want to hear shouldn' be living in your house. Hold on to that thought too.
  7. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Thank you, recoveringenabler, scent of cedar, greenstockings, and echolette for caring enough to reach out with your kind words. Sorry it took me so long to thank you. I have not been on the forum lately, but I read your words tonight and they meant a lot to me. We were successful in keeping difficult child from moving back home. She even claimed to understand our point of view. Then then she began to seem very stable and last week said she had gotten a job at a fast food place. But now I think she might be making the whole thing up, as she made up an imaginary job last year, just to pretend to herself that she had a job. Once again I am distancing myself, just when I was about to fall prey to thinking she might be finally improving. It is so cruel how a bipolar adult child can lull you into that much-desired place (that you will probably never really get to go to) called "normalcy". Sometimes I feel like the cartoon where Lucy is holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. You would think that Charlie Brown would learn not to fall for it over and over -but I am no better. Again thank you for being there.
  8. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    TryAgain - You are doing the right thing. Everyone's advice is right on. We don't like to think that the beautiful sweet and loving children we raised and sacrificed for would be so manipulative, but they can be. I am finally starting to see this and accept it. I finally had to let go of the image of the little boy that was my buddy for so long. I put away the small stack of childhood pictures that I would always stare at and reminisce and wonder where I went wrong and end up crying my eyes out. I put those pictures away. They ARE happy memories, and we did right by them. We did the best we could. We couldn't have foreseen the way things would end up, or the choices they made. Whether it's mental illness or drugs or violence, all of those circumstances, none give them the right to be disrespectful to us or other family members. If they are refusing treatment, or to be responsible, then we can do no more. I pray for strength for you and your family, and especially your difficult child and hope she will find her way and eventually live a healthy stable life. Just know you are not alone here! We have all gone through this, or are going through it now - as I am. I am smack dab in the middle of dealing with kicking out my difficult child. Keep reading and posting and surround yourself with positive people and be sweet to yourself, everyone has said to do. It will make a difference!