20 year old daughter thinks paying rent is absurd

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemyson1, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Hey gang,

    I'm usually on here for a much deeper and depressing issue of my son. But lately my daughter is giving me a bit of attitude so I thought I would check in with my wise friends here.

    She's a good kid, doesn't use drugs or any of that, occasionally will have drinks with friends but extremely responsible. She's going to college, keeps her room and bathroom clean, respectful, has a job, boyfriend, works out. Really a great kid. But. Her father doesn't like her boyfriends bc he was over late one night when my husband hadn't even met him and my husband kinda went off on him and the boyfriend didn't really apologize or try to make things right. So fast forward 8 months and they don't talk and he doesn't come over. Except when we're way sneakily. Another reason hubby doesn't like him. Any way, our rule for kids living at home is no sleeping over boyfriend or girlfriend's house, curfew 2am. Our daughter, sleeps over her boyfriend's all the time, every night. So, hubby told her that she can take over her car payment. She has a nice $20k car we bought her for graduation. He feels that she is disrespecting his rules and he no longer wants to pay for that. We want to continue letting her live at home so she can complete college. We pay for college. We have a large home 3200 sf. I've asked her to sweep, mop and vacuum the whole house once a week. She put up a fit, and then said yes reluctantly. However, she hasn't kept up on it. So I warned her that I would be charging her rent if she can't help around the house. Months go by, she doesn't do the floors. So now we're charging her $200.00 a month for rent. She comes to me last night and says it really makes me mad that you and dad are asking for money when I am struggling you two have plenty of money. I explained to her she wanted freedom to sleep over her boyfriend's and didn't want to clean therefore, freedom ain't free. It's her consequences for her choices. She really thinks we are being unreasonable. So, I ask you all, are we being unreasonable? Is it unheard of to ask a 20 year old to clean and not sleep over her boyfriend's??
     
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your house, your rules. If she doesn't want to live like your child, then she lives as an adult, including paying rent. I think that's more than fair. How much money you have is not the point. If you don't "need" the money, you can always just put it in a bank account and it'll make a nice little nest egg you can give it to her when she's ready to move out on her own...a gift.
     
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    :bravo:

    I think you handled this very well.
    Your house your rules, the choice is hers to take it or leave it. I would remind her that you are paying for college and I would also remind her that you don't have to. The amount of money you have is quite frankly none of her business, that being said, I would make it clear to her that the money you have was earned by hard work not a free ride.
    You said she spends most nights at her boyfriends and if that's the case then you can charge her for storage instead of rent. I'm guessing that she comes home to do laundry, get clean clothes and raid the fridge.
    I think $200 is very reasonable. You might consider showing her the household bills, i.e. water, electric, heat, food, house payment, taxes, insurance, etc.... and show her what 1/3 of all those bills together would be. I'm guessing it would be much more than $200.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I can't speak to the second half of this, but...

    I lived at home while going to University, and while getting established in my career. And paid not a single dime in rent. BUT... the deal was that I would take over certain household duties that my mother wasn't able for at the time - grocery shopping, vacuuming, a few other things. Schedule was my choice, except these things were to be done no sooner than Thursday and no later than Saturday afternoon. I put in 2-4 hours of work per week, and didn't pay rent. Fair enough. It wasn't a free ride.
     
  5. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I love your responses! Thank you!
    Funny you should say that, I actually told her that I haven't touched the money she gave me and I'm saving it either for her or to help with college. She looked surprised. I think she thought I was spending it on things for myself.
    What a great point! She knows $200 isn't really that much bc she has looked into moving out and realized it would be practically impossible. She says, "If I wasn't going to college I would move out, but it would be too hard financially" Duh. But either way, it will be hard. She's got it made right now even paying for her car and rent.
    This is my point exactly. I keep telling her, we don't want your money, we want you to do your part living in our home and obey the simple rules. She wants her cake and eat it too. I believe we are teaching her the hard lessons of life. There will always be rules to follow and if not, there is always consequences. Thanks again good people!
     
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I didn't pay my parents rent either and lived away at college, but came home in the summers. But I also worked summers and did whatever I was told...not anything I hadn't always done, but I had a 2:00 a.m. curfew that I obeyed! I would never have spent the night away from home without permission, even at a girl friend's house. The ONE time I missed my curfew, my mother called my married friend's house looking for me...I was mortified. :laugh: I never did it again though, so long as they lived. ;)

    God I was a easy child and a half! LOL!
     
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, Lovemyson. I agree with the others, your house, your rules. Your daughters comments sprung up that word in my head "entitlement". Some of our kids, rather than being grateful for the help given, start to feel entitled, and push the limits and boundaries to express that. Your daughter is fortunate to have her own room and bathroom in a big house. Rents out there are crazy in my neck of the woods.........
    This is your house. Your rules.
    Exactly.
    Hopefully she will understand and turn this around to being thankful for your help. It is good that she came to you and expressed her thoughts. Open communication is key. Keep setting the boundaries and follow through. Once kids start taking advantage and take things for granted it just seems to snowball. (I have been smacked by some big snowballs).

    I think enforcing those rules is the hardest, but most important thing in all of this.

    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Hehehe!!!! I like this! And I agree, how much money you make or have is NOT her business and has no bearing whatsoever on the current situation.

    I'm almost 50 years old and if we were to have to stay at my parents house for any reason chores would be a given. Granted, the amount would depend on if and how much I was working at a job, but still, I'd be doing them.
     
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I wish we could make an offer to our son along the lines of what your child is griping about! That's the joy of an easy child over a Difficult Child - the ability to do things for them without constantly worrying that they're taking advantage of you - or having them have behaved in such a way that makes it impossible to trust them in your home.
     
  10. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Sorry Honey, but it will be a while before I will trust him enough to stay in our house again. Entirely too many things came up missing last time.

    I do understand completely though. I wish the same thing but as Jayne says "If wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak."
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Quoting Firefly everyone...We don't eat horse. :p
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I have not read the other responses to risk repetition here. This is what I think: You as a parent are responsible to your adult child, not just to pay her bills and accommodate her future plans. Like a stepping stone. You are responsible both to yourselves and to her to continue setting rules and being a moral example as long as she lives under your roof, and afterwards to the extent that she accepts your help and counsel.

    To allow her to use you without giving back or to show respect is both using you and disrespecting you. By participating in this, you risk fostering her disrespect for herself. After all, she is disrespecting her parents...by having the boy over and flaunting your curfew. And by doing so she disrespects herself.

    I am a modern woman who grew up in the hippy era of free love. I had nobody who spoke up for my respecting myself as a woman and a person. I had to learn how to do so myself. That is why I would have cherished having parents such as you who care.

    So I agree absolutely that she should pay. But in a way I do not. I believe she should not live you with or be supported in her school goals if she does not want to respect her parents, at least to meet them half way. You are not a motel. You are not an apartment. You are her parents. You are worthy and deserving the utmost of respect from her.

    She cannot be allowed to disrespect you and your authority. It is not good for you or for her.

    I understand that I must sound like I am from the 19th century. Trust me. I am not.

    I understand that my attitude seems like it is throwing the baby with the bath water.

    Perhaps there is a middle ground whereby you can negotiate with her to have both the respect you deserve and give her space. I do not know what that would be.

    But believe me, asking for rent, is the least I would do. She is demonstrating an entitled attitude that must be curbed. That is what I think.

    I wish I believed differently. I do not.

    COPA
     
  13. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well yes paying rent is not unreasonable and you deserve respect well most people on this planet deserve but we do not really get it all the time. The problem here is that she is not a child and to be honest she a well adjusted adult she works she restrain herself she studies she overall is a good adult. Lets think about it when we where living with our parents where we really better then this girl did we really not had out moments of disrespect towards our parents similar to her we like to forget that moments but ask your parents where you really that respectful.
    My mother will remember me how things really where and that makes me put things in perspective.
    What I am basically trying to say this is one of the things where you make a huge issue from a small problem really is it worth damaging a relationship over this things can escalate into a lot of heartache if we go this way.
    I suggest to try the sugar way try to talk with her and tell her the issues you are having and find something that suits both of you this is not a situation where he have to go the hard way in my opinion.
    This is something we do for quite difficult children because other things do not work to put them on the right track not on someone that is on the right track of course my opinion.
     
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  14. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    There's some funny comments here, hahaha! Great wisdom, thank you all! Entitlement is exactly what we were thinking, hubby and I. Grant it, she's a great kid but to live in a home with free wi-fi, come and go as she pleases, big screen tv in her huge room with walk-in closet, driving around in a 2012 sweet little car, free cable, free food, free utilities, paid college... the least she could do is a little housework. Trust me I truly appreciate the fact that she is not like my D.C. I really really do. But there has to be some commitment on her part to living at home. Good news is, she was trying to get a loan for her car payment, daddy already paid 1/2 and today she secured one. So we feel really good about this bc it will give her good credit and responsibility. So I'm really happy about that.
     
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  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Absolutely I agree with A Dad (I usually do).
    When we put our heads together, we really collectively end up smart, do we not?

    COPA
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    PS So glad it worked out good about the car financing. So glad she tried.

    But I do not think we should walk on pins and needles with our non-Difficult Child's (I do not have any) just because they did not go off the deep end.

    COPA
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2016
  17. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I decided to talk to her and tel her how much I appreciate how responsible she is and how proud I am of her. I continued to tell her if it's too hard financially to pay $200 per month I'm willing to cut it down to $100. She was thankful and touched. We hugged. I think compassion with communication and discipline is the best way. Feeling good about it and she's really feeling confident and excited to have been accepted for the loan. Very low interest rate too. I believe it's a win-win!
     
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  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Great news LMS1...so good you can be flexible and change as situations change. A very necessary trait when dealing with all of the ups and downs.
     
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