I told my husband he.came.over to make phone calls to the court public defender... my husband starts in about his payment which he won't be able to afford now that he isn't working. I asked my husband if he.could just wait till my son gets a job. ...hubby is fighting me on that issue. we are on a family plan ans my son has always paid me his portion but he is flat broke now.
Hi WM, I'm not sure by your post above if he is on your cell phone plan still---if so why does he need to come there to make phone calls? If he's on your plan but isn't paying his share, his phone needs to be cut off.
I know, I know, you won't be able to call him or contact him (and that is a scary thought at first), but believe me, he will find a way. My son, once he lost his phone, texted from his computer, and then when his computer cord broke, he facebook messaged me from the computer at the library, and now the state has given him a cell phone (why they do that, I have no idea). But believe me, you won't be able to get rid of him that easily---he WILL find a way to stay in touch.
WM, you are going to HAVE to disengage from your son's drama and decisions---detachment with love.
You are going to HAVE to stop running interference for him with your husband. Wait until he gets a job? Really? Why in the world, with all that has happened, would you even think to say that to your husband?
It starts with setting boundaries (you can't come to our house without an invitation, if you show up uninvited we will call the police and then we will get a restraining order), continues with learning how to stop enabling (I'm sorry you don't have a cell phone anymore. I hope you can get a job and pay for one. We aren't going to give you any money.) and continues with accepting what is (your son is using drugs and until he gets into recovery, he is going to exhibit a lot of unpleasant behaviors that most people, especially people who love him, will not want to be around, so make a plan to see him 30 minutes a week if you want to, away from your house).
I know you can't get there overnight, and I know it is hard to change, but first you have to WANT to change. Do you want to change?
If you do, please, start working toward a healthier way of living your own life. You deserve better. You deserve happiness, peace, contentment, serenity, purpose, joy and love.
Find what brings those things to you, and work for those. We have given you many ideas for your toolbox. Are you using any tools?
I say this compassionately, but perhaps a little bit frustrated, I am, reading your post above.
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Stop the insanity, WM.
You can do it. We are here for support for you. Write down your plan for yourself, and start working it. You don't have to do it perfectly and nobody expects that. Just make a start. And then, every single day, work your plan. It won't happen overnight. And that is okay. It's all about progress, not perfection.
Warm hugs for you. We do care. We understand the pain of watching our children make bad decisions over and over again. But once they are adults, we have to stop being their little mommy who took care of all of their problems. That is not good for them or for us. We have to learn how to stop, WM. And it takes daily hard work.
Hoping you stay in touch to learn how we did our walks.
