20 yr.difficult child says he's clean...what about disrespect

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jul 14, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Son stopped in today (husband is.angry,started the interrogation again). I told my husband he.came.over to make phone calls to the court public defender... my husband starts in about his payment which he won't be able to afford now that he isn't working. I asked my husband if he.could just wait till my son gets a job. ...hubby is fighting me on that issue. we are on a family plan ans my son has always paid me his portion but he is flat broke now. Where did all his drug money go? I thought he was selling but now I don't know. I don't want him back home now because of the disrespect he is Very moody but says it's because I'm trying to control his life, yes I am but I'm trying to get better. Anyway he was in his horrible mood and I told him to hurry up with getting more of his clothes. he's living out of his car. Should I as his mother who I raised him to be the way he is... Feel bad about myself? I don't know why im feeling so terrible about what HE is.choosing. he.won't check himself into a recovery center or even a homeless shelter because he says he doesn't have a drug problem. He is very immature and can't physically concentrate on more than one thing at a time. I think his brain cells have been damaged from all the weed he smoked in the past. He has court dates coming up soon and I just feel like I'm all this kid has. Sorry for all the errors in this.. Once again I'm on my litte phone.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. You aren't doing these things. Your son is. He is an adult making poor choices. There are immature young adults who still work and don't mouth off to those who love them, but your son is choosing to stay a drug addict. If he would make better choices, he would have more friends and wouldn't be going to court. Until HE (not you) chooses to get serious about his drug habit and joining normal society, his life is going to be crappy, but he is the one who has to straighten out, not you. He won't even admit he has a drug problem. How is that your fault? Unless you inject him with drugs while putting a gun to his head, it is not your fault.

    Have you gone to a therapist yet? Made an appointment? Why not try doing something nice for yourself today so that you don't think about your son for a while? I know first hand that ruminating over anything doesn't change it and have learned to try to let go of things I can't control and to enjoy myself in spite of situations that are not pleasing to me. And it may really help if you stopped telling your son what to do. Trust me, life itself will show him natural consequences. Then it's up to him to decide what to do about his own self made problems. Many of us have learned not to engage our adult children who are making terrible life choices. It just throws fuel on the fire and it doesn't help and it's makes us stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed. Let it go.

    As for disrespect, if my son is disrespectful to me, I have learned to hang up the phone. Now he is states away, but if he lived here, I would tell him to leave my house until he can speak to me as nicely as I speak to him and I would mean it. At first my son thought I was bluffing. When he found out just how much I meant it, he really did stop the disrespect most of the time. I wouldn't let others talk to me that way. Why should he get a pass?
     
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi WM, I'm not sure by your post above if he is on your cell phone plan still---if so why does he need to come there to make phone calls? If he's on your plan but isn't paying his share, his phone needs to be cut off.

    I know, I know, you won't be able to call him or contact him (and that is a scary thought at first), but believe me, he will find a way. My son, once he lost his phone, texted from his computer, and then when his computer cord broke, he facebook messaged me from the computer at the library, and now the state has given him a cell phone (why they do that, I have no idea). But believe me, you won't be able to get rid of him that easily---he WILL find a way to stay in touch.

    WM, you are going to HAVE to disengage from your son's drama and decisions---detachment with love.

    You are going to HAVE to stop running interference for him with your husband. Wait until he gets a job? Really? Why in the world, with all that has happened, would you even think to say that to your husband?

    It starts with setting boundaries (you can't come to our house without an invitation, if you show up uninvited we will call the police and then we will get a restraining order), continues with learning how to stop enabling (I'm sorry you don't have a cell phone anymore. I hope you can get a job and pay for one. We aren't going to give you any money.) and continues with accepting what is (your son is using drugs and until he gets into recovery, he is going to exhibit a lot of unpleasant behaviors that most people, especially people who love him, will not want to be around, so make a plan to see him 30 minutes a week if you want to, away from your house).

    I know you can't get there overnight, and I know it is hard to change, but first you have to WANT to change. Do you want to change?

    If you do, please, start working toward a healthier way of living your own life. You deserve better. You deserve happiness, peace, contentment, serenity, purpose, joy and love.

    Find what brings those things to you, and work for those. We have given you many ideas for your toolbox. Are you using any tools?

    I say this compassionately, but perhaps a little bit frustrated, I am, reading your post above.

    Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Stop the insanity, WM.

    You can do it. We are here for support for you. Write down your plan for yourself, and start working it. You don't have to do it perfectly and nobody expects that. Just make a start. And then, every single day, work your plan. It won't happen overnight. And that is okay. It's all about progress, not perfection.

    Warm hugs for you. We do care. We understand the pain of watching our children make bad decisions over and over again. But once they are adults, we have to stop being their little mommy who took care of all of their problems. That is not good for them or for us. We have to learn how to stop, WM. And it takes daily hard work.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    wow, COM. I so agree.

    Sometimes moms don't want to change either. WM, you do have to really want to change for it to work. Just like your son. in my opinion you still are not facing what he really is, but we can't do anything to change that.

    Wishing you the best! :) Hoping you stay in touch to learn how we did our walks.
     
  5. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Just wanted to thank you ladies for keeping me on track with my son's life...and I do mean "his life". I'm new to all this... so much has happened so quickly and it has been hard on me. My son was just kicked out a month ago, please be patient with me. MwM I did take your advice today and enjoyed my.day because it.was "my day " .I went.shopping at Target for a few things things for.myself I might add.lol well okay so I picked up some toothpaste too.I was.also relieved that my.20 yr.old.difficult child didn't stop over. it's always disruptive on account of his mood swings but also panicky since I worry my husband will pop in. I wish he would at least try to see things from my perspective, I did with him. anyway I had a day for myself today and tomorrow hopefully will be peaceful as well. Maybe my little girl and I will have a picnic outside near the pool. I'm midway with the book and I.do believe it has helped me. I can now say that it's not just my son who's got a problem. I do.too. but I'm going to overcome my codependency . I refuse to allow my son to be the center of my life....they'd have to call the.paddywagon for me. lol keep me in your prayers please. I have a.feeling its going to be a little bumpy ride but I'll be okay. I have a beautiful little girl to raise... and.I.don't want any harm to come to her. Sorry for the punctuation, I'm using my wonderful phone again.
     
Loading...