20 yr.old pothead...angry husband...2 seperate issues

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Hello everyone....this is a copy paste of my last post titled "My 20yr.old...mood swings or personality disorder". It just turned into a whole new problem...

    I just finished reading a few more pages in the book "Co-dependent no more", and do believe it is as you say and I'm still guilty of defending my son. It is horrible when I do this with my husband but he downs my son so bad and I feel it's not fair for my son who can't defend himself with any of the things my husband says about him.
    One example... A few months ago my husbands youngest brother died, an overdose of heroin caused him to have a heart attack. Well, my husband was very upset at 2 friends of his that didn't show up to the funeral and of course my son didn't show up either. Well, my son did have an appointment. in the morning to see his Public defender which was quite a distance from us. However my son could've showed up at his parents house afterwards for food, etc. mainly to show his respects. Well, my son to took the brunt of it...made my husband even worse about kicking him out, he said it was "the last straw". Of course mommy fought him on it which brought out the monster in him. I told him my son has never been to a funeral (which is true), I told him it's always been just the kids and I. He's doesn't know how to show respect for the dead. Truth is I was texting my son like a mad woman begging him to show up. I've yelled at my son many times about his disrespectful behavior but I've told my husband this but he will say "I've never heard you do you do that". I told him I can never scold my son in front of him, and my husband responds with the truth.."YOU'RE JUST AFRAID OF WHAT HE WILL SAY!" honestly the yelling and arguing in the house was crazy. But...he would go further and say "If I ever hear him say the wrong thing to my wife, I will punch him right in his face and break his nose"....so how am I suppose to deal with that? I don't think he would really ever do that , but just the fact that he would say such a horrible thing. In the meantime...my son has no idea of the real words my husband will say about him.
    No my husband has never hit me, or my daughter for that matter. In fact he is very sweet to her ...we both are.She is so precious to us, my son loves her to death also. Now I will say that although my husband has never threatened to hit me...I feel as though I've most certainly been mentally abused by him. Almost always concerning my son...but also with other issues between us, mostly silly stuff. The other silly things like when the kitchen disposal stops working because I've accidentally dropped something in it ...that sort of thing. He wouldn't fly off the handle but it's always enough to have me all upset and in my mind thinking how awful he is about my son. He even had his ex wife take him to court about something and my husband yelled at the judge so he was not only in contempt but ordered to go to anger management. Now, my husband has been clean for about 8 years , went to the whole AA meetings. Did the whole 12 step thing.etc. but there still is a mean person deep inside.
    Sorry this is so lengthily... Anywho...I think the bottom line here concerning my son...is that it's not so much what my husband is saying , it's more like the way he says it". To threaten my son physically is worse than threatening me, and he knows it.

    PS.. My husband threatened to leave me, stop paying bills, allow our house to go into foreclosure, and when none of that hurt me he said the final thing which was "If I find your son still in the house when I come home I will have the police escort him out of here in handcuffs". All this and my son has NEVER said a nasty word to him.
    Now that my son is gone, it has brought peace in the house for him...for me my heart is broken. I'm so sad. I gained 15 pounds in just a few months. :(
     
  2. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    I think it's progress that I can now separate these 2 issues even more now that my son is out of the house. I see and understand why my husband was so hurt, although he took it to the extreme...I still understand. Just little things like making sure my sons church clothes is ironed just right and not worrying so much about my husbands shirts.Or...perhaps in the past when I would make my sons sandwiches for school ( when we first married ) I would reach for the slices in the middle of the loaf to be sure he was given the softest. Although I made sandwiches for my husband also...never did that for him. I know..I know..shame on me. I shouldn't have been fixing my 17 year old his lunch anyway right? lol

    My husband has his own set of anger issues that go back to when he started using. I don't think he got the attention that he wanted and needed from his parents, especially his mother.Thus, he has been demanding this from me soon after we married in 2009. I mean ALL of my attention. He even feels as if he is in some kind of competition with my son for not only my attention but my love. I don't know how to treat this kind of problem. I know I have my own set of issues but that's totally separate and not aimed at him.

    My son the pothead and God knows what else he is using is bringing on another issue of course the 2 are linked but I can see where the separation is. My husband knows the behavior and habits,etc. of a substance abuser because he was one himself. When he tells me things about my sons behavior and my own co-dependency with my son I can see it now, especially from reading the book.

    I will add that the Lord knew just how our pleasant surprise could be my motivation to keep pressing on, she's only 2 and yet brings smiles and laughter to my life. I think the Lord not only gave her the gift of life for herself but is saving mine at the same time. She is my sunshine in this storm:angel:.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    if your husband also abused substances, I understand why he gets so mad at your son. He knows how he is playing you.

    Frankly, I think at age twenty, your son was old enough to see a funeral. It would not have traumatized him. He is not a little boy. In some ways, you seem to treat him like he's still little. "He's scared." "He never saw a funeral before." "He is always getting picked on." It hurts our adult children when we think of them as that chubby cheeked little cutie who gave us dandelions for flowers. Your son talks violently. If my son spoke to my husband that way, he'd be apologizing or leaving. That doesn't exempt your husband, who may be a dry drunk. He could probably use AA still.

    However, you say he is kind to your two year old daughter and the fact is you trusted him enough to make a two year old daughter with him. Do you really think he'd be so mean to your son if he didn't act like he does? Do you still think your son should live at home, even though you do have a two year old?

    You have a lot of thinking to do. One big thing would be to let go of thinking of your son as this youngster. Men are fighting for our country at eighteen. Many are in college taking hard classes and also working. Your son is not a child and to help him not act like one, you have to let him know you don't think he's a child anymore and that you are no longer his "mommy." You are his adult mother to his adult son and higher expectations of him are better than lower expectations.

    The world is not going to forgive yokur son the way you do. It doesn't work that way. The world, not just your husband, sees a man's body and thinks, "That man is acted like he's high as a kite. I'm calling the cops." Your daughter is a pleasure for sure...they are so cute at that age...but she shouldn't be your life either. Your life should be YOUR life. As long as you live through somebody else, you will not be a person and that makes you think you feel every emotion your children feel. I was there once and it basically sucked. I'm glad to have an identity now and a life seperate from my children. Like you, I struggle with it, but I can get through it now.

    Keep readin the book. It's a really good book with a ton of wisdom in it :)

    I strongly recommend that yoku also go to Al-Anon to learn how to take care of YOU while having a dry drunk and a drug addict in your life. It is very hard to do it alone. Hugs and good luck!
     
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am sorry if this seems harsh.

    To be honest - when it comes to your son, I think you've cast your husband in the role of bad guy. So long as he is the bad guy; you get to be the good guy and make excuses for your son while all the blame & tough choices fall on your husband. To be honest, it's manipulative on your part.

    Is your husband competing for your attention? Sure. Because that's the way you set it up- or at least you've encouraged it; you've made it clear that the your son gets preferential treatment from you whether it's his ironed shirts or the best sandwich. Maybe it feels good or makes you feel needed to have your son & your h vying and competing for your love and attention?

    I am not sure why you were furiously texting your son to show up yet at the funeral & yet at same time making excuses to your h and lying to justify your son's absence? Your son absolutely should have been there to pay his respects! It's not up to you to manipulate the relationship between your adult son & his stepdad. You are encouraging/allowing your son to walk all over you and to be totally disrespectful to your husband in your own home! Your husband just lost his brother; he deserved your compassion especially at that moment; you should have been on "his" side.

    Doe your husband have an anger issue - sure. And yes, your situation is bringing out the worst in him. Frankly, it would bring out the worst in me too. You're not being honest to your husband or truthful in your marriage when you cover up your difficult child's behavior or withhold information from your h. You can't protect your difficult child from bearing the brunt of his choices. By doing so, you've eroded the trust in your marriage.

    Your husband is a former addict who is sober. It could be that living with an addict - puts his own sobriety at risk. His brother died from addiction a short time ago. I think your h is completely justified in not wanting to live with or raise his young daughter in a disruptive home that revolves around an addict. In some ways, he's choosing your 2 year old daughter over his wife and marriage much like you are choosing your 20 year old son. (But there's a big difference between 2 and 20!)

    You've handed your son the control over you and your marriage and your happy/unhappy home. It's time to take the control back.

    Yes, you may have other issues with your marriage & your husband may have his own control or addiction issues that need to be addressed. But you can't even touch those until you take off the blinders regarding your son and take responsibility for your marriage.

    Again, sorry if this seems harsh. I know your mommy heart is hurting.
     
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  5. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Sig, I agree I have placed my son above my husband, though unintentional in the beginning of our marriage and I do feel guilty about that. When we were dating he saw that I babied my son, I started doing that to both my older daughter and my son when their bio-logical father was arrested for sexually abusing my son's older sister..( my son didn't know that was why he spent time in prison, till he started getting high).

    As soon as it was disclosed I took my daughter out of the house immediately and pressed charges. I had his father arrested but it was a horrible ordeal to get the police to keep him in prison...long story short after only a year and a half in jail it went to trial with 10 jurors and thanks to one lady juror the monster was found not guilty, even the judge stormed out so sick that the beast got off Scot free. My son was 8 years old when his Dad walked him to school for the last time. I said all this just to give you an idea of why I was trying to be both father and mother to my children. Years later when I started dating my husband I told him (not in detail) what happened to daughter and how it affected not only her but my son also. He saw how I was with both my children, especially my son because for some reason though the daily living nightmare for my daughter had ended it just began for my son but also was hard on me since I deeply loved my ex-husband,and it was unbearable to know the whole time I was married to this sick beast, and for almost 15 years.
    My current husband saw how I was, especially with my son. I remember coming home from Bible study one night and making my son a snack...my husband was there and flipped out at me for it. I should've seen right then that I wasn't ready for this man nor was he ready for me. I remember asking him if he wanted out of the relationship ( I was having trouble with my older daughter at the time..teenage stuff like breaking curfew etc. but telling my husband at that time... "if you want out do it now, because I'm letting you know ...I'll be trying to deal with her " . He insisted on staying in the relationship. But I should've ended it when I witnessed anger problems within his own life, he was living in a recovery house at the time and badly cursed out this guy on the phone.Also, told me how he beat people up all in his "past" life. Other things he told me but I wasn't ready to marry him...but I didn't know how to tell him. It was entirely my fault, I know. I kinda think I was afraid to tell him "no". I'm not good at confrontation at all. I did love him, just wasn't ready to marry him.

    I thought he'd grow out of his anger issues. My son was only starting his teen years and basically would spend his days playing video games....soon as I started dating my husband...my son was left alone in the apartment and no sooner started smoking pot. Now... my husband did show my son some kindness when we were dating but the minute we came back from our honeymoon he was having issues with my son. Like if he left his dishes in the sink..you would've thought the world came to an end. He blew up with my older daughter for the curfew she kept breaking... I mean by that time she was 21 , but his point was that if you are living under his roof you will either obey or move out ,(definitely has severe control issues). My older daughter was so sweet,(still is) never talked back or anything. I know she was relieved when she got accepted in college. So...she was gone and here I was left with 2 big babies in the house. I knew my son was getting high but was in denial soon my husband found out and that's when things REALLY started getting bad.

    Here we are now...son's no longer living with us and I'm just now realizing it really is 2 separate issues. My son needs to grow up, he's 20 for God's sake, and just as MWM says there are guys fighting for our country at his age. There's no excuse for his drug use. Obviously it has taken me all this time to realize this and that is why I chose not to fight my husband on kicking him out of the house. The problem I think was that my son NEVER spoke to my husband about anything, mostly because he was afraid of him. I was always the "go between" and it was making me physically sick...my husband caused me so much stress, giving me panic attacks...and knowing I suffer with seizures too.) Anyway..my son would over hear us argue about silly things etc. most times it was about my son but I kept it low (when it came to my son )...I just didn't my son to overhear. I really just wanted the 2 of them to be good friends, what mother doesn't hope that her husband and step son have a good friendship? Now, I've finally given up on that dream.
    My husband knows what it is to be drug addict since he use to be one himself and it's true he knows my son was manipulating me. Obviously still trying but now my son realizes I'm on my husbands side when it comes to the way he is choosing to live his life. It's not just the getting high, I noticed my son ( though wouldn't curse at me ) started using foul language when he was upset.The last straw was when he got so angry he broke one of my 2 yr.old's toys, that was the last straw with me. I ripped into him for that, trust me. Like a mad woman..( I was like the wife with the butcher knife in the book "co-dependent no more".

    So, here we are I'm only crushed because I miss the sweet little boy he once was. What mom doesn't remember our children when they were little? : (

    Please understand that I'm sharing with you all what has happened to get me to this point. Years of turmoil caused between my husband and my son, but again I feel sort of responsible. Obviously the problem today is more-so my son. I realized my errors...everyone of them. I know..I feel guilty enough for my poor choices in life. But I cannot live in guilt any longer. Please don't be harsh with me, my guilt is what's been making me feel worse and worse. I will add that I already knew what my husband kept yelling at me about which was "your son is the way he is because of the way you raised him, to be a mama's boy !" ...he reminds me till this day.
    My husband kept yelling at me "You better tell your son this...or you better tell your son that"...and he
    ( my husband would get so vicious that my anger was being aimed him instead of my son.
    It is like I said though, I could've really fought my husband on him taking my son out with the police etc. but realized on my own that my son did need to go.

    MWM... I must say I've never heard the term "A Dry Drunk", I know you say it would benefit my husband to attend a few more AA meetings...but honestly I think anger management once again might be the better choice. lol I gotta laugh, please just allow me to laugh. Please tell me I'm on my way to detaching...though it's just begun that I'm on my way.

    PS.. I do have some "me" time, it's when I watch 2 episodes back to back of this one comedy on TV. : ) and loving my little 2 yr. old angel.

    I'm sorry this is la novel...Please be kind to me. : )
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  6. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    I will like to add that ...just maybe now that my sons out of the house, I can work on my marriage. We have a beautiful baby girl together. My little angel deserves to brought up in a loving , peaceful home. :angel:
     
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh dear this rang so true to me. I find myself in tears sometimes, thinking about my sweet boy. Of course, he wasn't always sweet, but he snuggled and kissed and loved me. My husband, when days are bad, reassures me that my boy still loves me...but I know he doesn't love me the way I loved my parents...still do to this day though they've been gone for nearly three decades....and that hurts.

    I hope things get better for you. The conflict in my home is not nearly as severe as yours. I married my husband when my son was 5 and he adopted him at 7. He's our only child. But I think in many ways I also have babied him and continue to do so. Just last night, my husband and I had salad for dinner and my son comes home and I then cooked his dinner. Now, in my defense it was just some noodles with chicken, and I was going to make it anyway for our lunches today, but I was going to wait until the movie I was watching was over. But instead, I paused it and cooked when he wanted it. Even if it only took 15 minutes, I should have told him to do it himself. I never thought that it would be a big deal...doing things like that. He'd forget to bring a bowl out of his room and I'd go in there to say something and take it out myself instead of making him follow the rules. Little things like that. My husband would have made him get up and do it on the spot.

    My husband and son do clash and I always seem to the peacemaker. Husband is much more authoritative than I am - ex marine, ex prison guard...used to dealing with strict orders. I lived by "say yes whenever possible and say no whenever necessary" and I think I was too soft. He was 5 minutes late for curfew? Not a big deal. He ran through his allowance? What's another $10? He left his dishes in the sink? Well, so do we now and then. He didn't like mowing the lawn? Well, I could use the exercise.

    I wish I could roll the clock back 14 years and do it all again. I would still have married my husband...but I'd have done so many things differently.

    But I can't. Neither can you. In my opinion, you're right to look forward and work on your marriage. Both of you. Sounds like your husband needs to be doing work too. Your son was always going to move out eventually, but hopefully your marriage will last forever. You deserve for it to be a happy one.
     
  8. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thanks Lil, I need all the encouragement I can get. Until I can attend meetings, I feel like these forums will have to suffice for now.

    If you think 5 minutes late was an issue...how bout standing by the door ready to clock him out when the clock strikes 12 on the nose.lol
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I get the feeling that you want the husband to come around and see it your way. That is not going to happen. Stop making excuses for your kid. See him for what he is. It hurts, but that is when you will be able to help yourself. You are the only one that you can help.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    WM, I understand that you have had a horrible time and the sexual abuse was traumatic. We had that in our house too. It was not as bad as a father doing it...it was an older child we adopted...but he did it under our noses and the kids were six years younger so he was charged, even though he was only thirteen, and found guilty. Husband and I wanted nothing to do with him at all after that and we had to heal from that experience, and we did everything we could to get the appropriate help for children who are sexually abused. Meanwhile, my older daughter, the one who once used drugs, had been raped at age eight at a friend's house and never told anyone until she was fourteen. My kids also went through a divorce. Things were not all roses for us either. I have shared this story many times, mostly for parents like you who think that have experienced trauma gives your adult child a free pass to treat you and everyone else like dirt and to waste his life. He can decide to do better than that and overcome it. Have you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Pelzer. Abuse doesn't even start to explain what he went through yet he is an upstanding young man who uses his past abuse to help foster children and other troubled kids. It does not have to make one a vile person. Read all three of his books. They are amazing.

    I also want other parents to know this happens in many homes, sadly. One in four children are sexually abused. Also very sadly, children are usually too afraid of the abuser to tell anyone it is going on...the abuser will say he'll kill the child and his family and the child is so afraid of him, he will believe it. So many parents don't even know if a child is abused...very sad situation.


    One in four chidlren do not become drug addicts who abuse their own parents and go to jail. There are other ways to deal with it. My daughter started the drug route too, but sh e quit and is now very grounded. The two youngest got lots of help early on and are doing really well. Neither of them ever touched drugs; they don't drink or smoke either. I do not know if you utilized intensive services after you found out about your daughter, but that did help. However, my oldest did not get any help because she didn't tell us about it. When asked why, she said, "I was ashamed." Kids think it's their faults. She sought help when she was older. Your son and daughter can do the same.

    You need to move into the present time and deal with your adult children as they behave now. It's really too bad about their father, but you didn't know he was doing it and it wasn't your fault. You can not change the past nor predict the future and many people who were sexually abused for years and years live good lives, don't abuse drugs, and treat their loved ones who did not abuse them with the respect they deserved.

    WM, even if you divorce your husband tomorrow, your son will be the same. If you had never met your husband, your son would have still turned to drugs and it is likely more than pot. You loved your husband enough to make a baby with him, which complicates things a lot. Have YOU ever been in therapy alone, just for YOU? If not, why not? I think you sound very unhappy and mixed up and have that crazy feeling...(been there/done that) and you NEED therapy. You need to talk about everything with an impartial stranger with a degree in psychology who can guide you in how to cope with your feelings and issues and help you come to a good decision about all the people that you love. It is not a trip you can take alone. Don't try. It's too hard. We try to help, but you seem to need more than just us, in my opinion, which is just as a layperson.

    As long as you feel badly about yourself, as if you deliberately ruined your children's lives, which is NOT TRUE, and that your husband and the father of your daughter is a bad guy (maybe he is, but it's another problem to talk about), you can not get anywhere in your own life and those who live with you will know the stress. Your two year old will know. In my opinion, you should seek professional help for yourself because you are worth it, but if you don't believe yet that you are worth it, then get that help for the two year old daughter who is growing up with thickness and tension in the air and yelling and a brother who is disrespectful and a father you fight with and who fights with you. Don't make her grow up thinking that because your son messed up, she has to be your everything either. That happens too and it's not good for the other child. She needs to just be a normal kid in a normal (whatever that is) home. She needs stability. Stop the madness.

    Get help. Call tomorrow.

    Hugs and hope to hear you made an appointment! Now try to have a serene night. You don't have to think about these issues all the time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2014
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Good advice and comments from MWM.

    A couple of thoughts from me.... first I totally get the sadness and grief over the loss of the sweet little boy you once had. I feel that too, sometimes intensely. At times it makes me want a do over as if somehow if I parented him knowing what I know now it would be different. Truth is I am not sure it would be and it doesnt matter because there is no such thing as a do over. We can only go from where we are today! But I do understand the intense grief and sadness. And part of that grief is they have not grown up into the man we hoped they would be. I have a easy child daughter and I at times miss her younger days but mostly I just enjoy who she is today so I dont have that grief of days past with her.

    Your husband does sound very controlling and that concerns me for you. However it is not totally clear to me if he is controlling of you in general or only in relation to issues with your son. If he is in general controlling of you then you should call a domestic violence agency in your area for advice.

    If it is only in regards to your son then there could be other reasons for that. I think the fact that your husband was once a drug addict means he probably sees things differently than you. True he doesnt love your son li ke you do, but he may also be way more objective about him and his drug use than you are. And he probably sees through his manipulation and lies way better than you do and it probably drives him nuts to see you fall for the lies and manipulations and given that he knows that life so well he probably has a lot less tolerance for it. So if that is the case then it might make sense to sit down and really hear what he has to say.

    And I learned a long time ago, that when it comes to marriage to make it work the other person really does need to come first. Granted there are situations when that is not true in the moment, a hungry baby needs to be fed, or changed, or rocked etc. Certainly when a child is sick they need to be taken care of etc...... but overall I think it is important for your husband to feel he comes first especially when we are talking about adult children. So I think some repair in your marraige needs to be around this issue. I think something is off when your husband feels in competition with your children. Yes some of that may be him and his insecurity but some of it may have some validity and you need to look at that.

    TL




    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Guess I will answer this one too...lol.

    Yeah...you have a mess on your hands. You have a valid reason for worrying about sexual abuse but there really is no way to completely keep her safe. You dont want to scare her to death or keep her in a bubble. At 2 you have lots of control but over time it gets so much harder.

    The fact that your son was almost a teen when all this stuff was going on was really hard on him too. Getting a step father at that age is hard on even the mildest teens. I have no problem figuring out why there was turmoil and why you tried to play peacemaker.
     
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