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21-year-old pregnant, we are overwhelmed
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765042" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Aloha Seekinghope,</p><p>So sorry for your need to be here but so very glad you found us. You have received some good responses so far.</p><p> I know personally how difficult it is to have an adult wayward child living far off the normal path and pregnant. </p><p>It is heart wrenching.</p><p></p><p>I’m sorry you have been down this road. It is so hard to live through, watching our loved ones spiraling downward and trying everything to stop the craziness. My late hubs and I went into rescue mode for years and things just kept getting worse. </p><p></p><p>This is a hallmark for most of our wayward adult kids out there. It is <em>everyone else’s</em> fault. </p><p></p><p>My two daughters blamed me for their circumstances, and for a time, I would review my parenting mistakes wishing I had done better. This is a manipulative tactic to keep us from focusing on what really is going on- our kids repeatedly making bad choices and not wanting to suffer the consequences, or the guilt, so they blame us. If we blame ourselves and feel guilt ridden, we are more vulnerable and likely to finance or house them. It’s a vicious cycle, if we buy into it. The answer I give my kids now is that I did the best I could with what I knew. We are not perfect. Just parents who love their children. </p><p></p><p>Good. Bank closed. Your daughter was taking advantage of your generosity. Not fair and not right. </p><p></p><p>I’m glad you were able to take that time out to get counseling. It is hard to see the big picture when we are deeply mobilized to fix things for years. It is good to have guidance. </p><p></p><p>Good Lord, the entitlement is off the charts. </p><p></p><p>This is what helped me too, Seeking. Knowing that my daughters can get help if they choose to. </p><p></p><p>This is tough, because it is all completely up to your daughter to decide. No matter how <em>sensible</em> something is to us, our daughters will choose as they wish. That sounds harsh, but it is real. Unfortunately. </p><p></p><p>Your husband is a wise man. You both have already been through the wringer with your daughter. It does not matter what your friends and family think, they have not experienced what you have. They don’t know the chaos, the heartbreak and drama. The constant stress. </p><p>One saying that helped me make better choices for myself, my marriage and also my daughter’s sake is this “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”</p><p>It is not healthy for us, or for our adult kids to allow them to walk all over us. </p><p>Our wayward adult kids will take full advantage of our love for them and use us until there is nothing left to give. Someone has to draw the line in the sand and stop the madness. </p><p>You have already taken some big steps towards this by stopping the financing and getting help through counseling. </p><p>Your husband is not being selfish, he is being sensible, realistic. He is treating you and your home with respect. Our homes are our places of sanctuary, not battle zones to house disrespectful, unappreciative adult children.</p><p>I’m sure you must be thinking of every worse case scenario that could happen. Thats what happened to me with my two. It still does if I’m not careful. That disaster predicting kept me in rescue mode and constantly fretting over what the future held. I was stuck in a loop over imagining the next catastrophe, and that circular thinking drilled me deep down into the rabbit hole along with my two. I could hardly focus on anything else. I went through the motions of living, dreading what the next chapter would bring. I was totally enmeshed in the consequences and outcome of my daughters choices- <em>way more than they were,</em> and still are. They don’t bat a single eyelash at the affect that their lifestyles have on their family, or themselves. Not one. </p><p>Gulp.</p><p>Seeking, you are doing the work you need to do right now for you and your marriage. That is where you need to stay-present and focused on what you can control- your self. You have absolutely no control over what your daughter chooses for herself and her child. Slow way down with your thought processing. Breath. Meditate. Do something for your own well being. Read. Write. Take walks. If prayer is your way, pray. </p><p>Take the time you have now to strengthen yourself. You have been through a lot. </p><p>The end of the story is not yet written. We are not the authors of our grown children’s books. They are. </p><p>Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs through the resources available to her. </p><p>The best thing you can do for her is to show her by your own example of relearning self care. We mothers tend to deny ourselves that. Truth is, if we do not love ourselves, take care of our own well being, we cannot have healthy relationships. Setting boundaries and saying no to our adult children is teaching them to reach for their own self respect. </p><p>You have value and worth. Your life, your time is precious. </p><p>Take this time you have and use it to build your relationship with your husband. That is what is first and foremost, be united and firm with your daughter. Set boundaries. Don’t allow her issues to come between you. </p><p>Things will happen as they do. That is life. It is challenging and hard with wayward kids.</p><p> Yes, there is another life in the picture, your grandchild. You are not detaching from L. or your grandchild. You are detaching from your old habits of dealing with the issues. You are learning to live your life and switch focus to what you can control, your response. </p><p>One week, one day, sometimes one breath at a time. </p><p>You are not alone. </p><p>Coincidentally, as I write this, I can hear singing from our Native Hawaiian charter school across the river and down the road. A Māori group is visiting and sharing their culture. The voice of the future, strong and clear, proclaiming traditions of old and the resilience of youth.</p><p>It’s going to be okay Seekinghope. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 765042, member: 19522"] Aloha Seekinghope, So sorry for your need to be here but so very glad you found us. You have received some good responses so far. I know personally how difficult it is to have an adult wayward child living far off the normal path and pregnant. It is heart wrenching. I’m sorry you have been down this road. It is so hard to live through, watching our loved ones spiraling downward and trying everything to stop the craziness. My late hubs and I went into rescue mode for years and things just kept getting worse. This is a hallmark for most of our wayward adult kids out there. It is [I]everyone else’s[/I] fault. My two daughters blamed me for their circumstances, and for a time, I would review my parenting mistakes wishing I had done better. This is a manipulative tactic to keep us from focusing on what really is going on- our kids repeatedly making bad choices and not wanting to suffer the consequences, or the guilt, so they blame us. If we blame ourselves and feel guilt ridden, we are more vulnerable and likely to finance or house them. It’s a vicious cycle, if we buy into it. The answer I give my kids now is that I did the best I could with what I knew. We are not perfect. Just parents who love their children. Good. Bank closed. Your daughter was taking advantage of your generosity. Not fair and not right. I’m glad you were able to take that time out to get counseling. It is hard to see the big picture when we are deeply mobilized to fix things for years. It is good to have guidance. Good Lord, the entitlement is off the charts. This is what helped me too, Seeking. Knowing that my daughters can get help if they choose to. This is tough, because it is all completely up to your daughter to decide. No matter how [I]sensible[/I] something is to us, our daughters will choose as they wish. That sounds harsh, but it is real. Unfortunately. Your husband is a wise man. You both have already been through the wringer with your daughter. It does not matter what your friends and family think, they have not experienced what you have. They don’t know the chaos, the heartbreak and drama. The constant stress. One saying that helped me make better choices for myself, my marriage and also my daughter’s sake is this “Nothing changes, if nothing changes.” It is not healthy for us, or for our adult kids to allow them to walk all over us. Our wayward adult kids will take full advantage of our love for them and use us until there is nothing left to give. Someone has to draw the line in the sand and stop the madness. You have already taken some big steps towards this by stopping the financing and getting help through counseling. Your husband is not being selfish, he is being sensible, realistic. He is treating you and your home with respect. Our homes are our places of sanctuary, not battle zones to house disrespectful, unappreciative adult children. I’m sure you must be thinking of every worse case scenario that could happen. Thats what happened to me with my two. It still does if I’m not careful. That disaster predicting kept me in rescue mode and constantly fretting over what the future held. I was stuck in a loop over imagining the next catastrophe, and that circular thinking drilled me deep down into the rabbit hole along with my two. I could hardly focus on anything else. I went through the motions of living, dreading what the next chapter would bring. I was totally enmeshed in the consequences and outcome of my daughters choices- [I]way more than they were,[/I] and still are. They don’t bat a single eyelash at the affect that their lifestyles have on their family, or themselves. Not one. Gulp. Seeking, you are doing the work you need to do right now for you and your marriage. That is where you need to stay-present and focused on what you can control- your self. You have absolutely no control over what your daughter chooses for herself and her child. Slow way down with your thought processing. Breath. Meditate. Do something for your own well being. Read. Write. Take walks. If prayer is your way, pray. Take the time you have now to strengthen yourself. You have been through a lot. The end of the story is not yet written. We are not the authors of our grown children’s books. They are. Hopefully your daughter will get the help she needs through the resources available to her. The best thing you can do for her is to show her by your own example of relearning self care. We mothers tend to deny ourselves that. Truth is, if we do not love ourselves, take care of our own well being, we cannot have healthy relationships. Setting boundaries and saying no to our adult children is teaching them to reach for their own self respect. You have value and worth. Your life, your time is precious. Take this time you have and use it to build your relationship with your husband. That is what is first and foremost, be united and firm with your daughter. Set boundaries. Don’t allow her issues to come between you. Things will happen as they do. That is life. It is challenging and hard with wayward kids. Yes, there is another life in the picture, your grandchild. You are not detaching from L. or your grandchild. You are detaching from your old habits of dealing with the issues. You are learning to live your life and switch focus to what you can control, your response. One week, one day, sometimes one breath at a time. You are not alone. Coincidentally, as I write this, I can hear singing from our Native Hawaiian charter school across the river and down the road. A Māori group is visiting and sharing their culture. The voice of the future, strong and clear, proclaiming traditions of old and the resilience of youth. It’s going to be okay Seekinghope. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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