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21-year-old pregnant, we are overwhelmed
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765054" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Aloha Seekinghope,</p><p>I pray this day brings you some peace.</p><p></p><p>I am glad that you and your husband felt reaffirmed in setting healthy boundaries. Whatever the future holds, working together making informed decisions is vital for both of your well being and will strengthen your bond with one another and protect the sanctity of your union<em>. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. This includes our adult children, their choices should not be allowed to affect our relationships. </em>When raising and providing for our young children, we often put most of our energy on them. When things go awry, it presents challenges to our relationship on so many levels. My husband had a difficult time letting go of the rescue mode. I was the one to say enough is enough. We had two younger children who were also detrimentally affected by their sisters abuse of opening our home to them. My daughter Tornado had three young children, we were intent on trying to provide some stability for our grandchildren. We were so busy putting out “fires”, the drama and chaos within our home became routine without our realizing it. Our younger children grew up watching all of this, which once my eyes were opened, I knew in my gut, was unacceptable. My two wayward daughters were fully aware that my husband was easier to manipulate and used that to drive a wedge between us, so they could get their way. I stood my ground. Our relationship took a big hit. The tactic they used is called “triangulation”. That’s why I emphasize working together as a couple, keep going to counseling, educate yourselves to be completely aware of the methods our wayward adult kids will use against us. They are experts at tugging at our heartstrings and keeping us in emotional turmoil. It is extremely difficult to function in this state of mind.</p><p>For my husband it was especially hard because in Hawaiian culture, ohana is <em>everything. No matter what. </em>He was raised in a very dysfunctional setting, my father in law was abusive, and his older siblings were addicts. So he was used to the chaos. It is so unfortunate that many Hawaiian families suffer the social ills attached to the generational wounds of colonization.</p><p>I am haole and was raised in a very different setting. Marrying a kanaka, the more I learned the more I was determined to raise my children immersed in their culture. I am all too familiar with family and friends pressuring that it is not “Hawaiian style” to “turn our backs on ohana.” Some may use this as a "cultural hammer" to drive their point that we need to stay actively engaged, to keep rescuing our adult kids. In actuality, the people of old did take measures to protect the rest of the ohana. If one went astray from values to the detriment of others, that member would be cut off until actions were taken to change and make amends. I’m not saying that we need to completely cut off our wayward adult kids, but we do need to take steps to recognize the damage done and work hard to protect our own physical, mental and spiritual health. We need to cut off sacrificing our own selves in a desperate attempt to invoke change in our adult kids. It does not work. Our kids will choose as they do. They will weaponize our emotional distress. We need to recognize our initial reactions that cause us to go off the deep end along with them. That’s why stepping back and allowing time to process our feelings, breath, gather our thoughts and wits is so important.</p><p> In the past, dealing with my two, we went from one crisis to the next. It was hard to come up for air. I would lose sleep and stress over whatever new issue came up, then I saw this pattern reoccurring. With them and <em>myself</em>. But you know what? I was the one emotionally devastated, they would pick up where they left off like nothing happened. It was “just another Tuesday” for them. </p><p></p><p>This is emotional and mental cruelty. Iʻm sorry for the pain of it. These are the kind of manipulative controlling tactics many of us here have endured. It is designed to keep us in a frenzied state, to break us down. If we take a step back and remove our emotions from it, we can see it for what it is. I was at my computer writing earlier and was able to see your signature. For the challenges your daughter has, she is quite clever as far as pushing those emotional buttons. The hard truth is, is that she is the one holding all the cards in this “game.” She knows it. If you remove yourself from the table, you are no longer caught up in the game. It sounds so simple, but I know it is not. Our maternal instinct is to spring into action and protect at all costs. Especially when there is our unborn grandchild in the mix. It doesn’t feel right to do nothing. But what is there to be done? It is your daughter’s choice, even though she has disabilities, at least here in the U.S. as an adult she has the right to her decisions. From what you have described of L. it seems like any suggestions you make, she will be oppositional. I found this to be true with my daughters. They are more willing to accept information from strangers. </p><p>A positive I see in your daughter’s situation is that a case worker is already involved. That’s a huge plus. There are eyes on her. Not yours, but someone who will hopefully keep watchful and can direct L. to resources she needs.</p><p></p><p>I am an expert at thoughts running over and over in my head. What helped me was to give my two back to ke Akua. They were only on loan to me until reaching adult age. Their choices and lifestyles are too much for my heart to handle and I have no say in their decisions. When I worry or fret, I say a quick prayer. This has helped tremendously to stop the circular thinking, the anxiety. For years, my late husband and I spent so much time trying to help our daughters at the expense of the peace in our home, our well children. The reality is, we have no control over what our adult children choose. </p><p></p><p>It was very uplifting, Seeking. My daughter Hoku teaches at the school and was moved to tears at the power of this moment of sharing. It is my hope that continued resurgence of the language, culture and spirituality will help to heal our families.</p><p>Hoku is much like you described your eldest daughter, an easy child, with goals and achievements, responsibilities. She is sensible and tough. She has helped me many times come out of my despair over her siblings choices. She has set firm boundaries and won’t budge until she sees real change with her sisters. She is fiercely protecting her heart and her family. Spending time with her and my other children has helped me deal with the grief felt over my two wayward daughters. I have not given up hope that they may see their light and potential. I know that I am not the one to steer them in that direction. Lord I did try. I can love them</p><p>and step aside, let go and let God. There is still heartache, but it is getting a bit lighter. </p><p>I wish you strength along this journey. May ke Akua be with you and your husband and your family, calm your heart and give you peace of mind. You’ve got this Mama, one day at a time.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 765054, member: 19522"] Aloha Seekinghope, I pray this day brings you some peace. I am glad that you and your husband felt reaffirmed in setting healthy boundaries. Whatever the future holds, working together making informed decisions is vital for both of your well being and will strengthen your bond with one another[I] [/I]and protect the sanctity[I] [/I]of your union[I]. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. This includes our adult children, their choices should not be allowed to affect our relationships. [/I]When raising and providing for our young children, we often put most of our energy on them. When things go awry, it presents challenges to our relationship on so many levels. My husband had a difficult time letting go of the rescue mode. I was the one to say enough is enough. We had two younger children who were also detrimentally affected by their sisters abuse of opening our home to them. My daughter Tornado had three young children, we were intent on trying to provide some stability for our grandchildren. We were so busy putting out “fires”, the drama and chaos within our home became routine without our realizing it. Our younger children grew up watching all of this, which once my eyes were opened, I knew in my gut, was unacceptable. My two wayward daughters were fully aware that my husband was easier to manipulate and used that to drive a wedge between us, so they could get their way. I stood my ground. Our relationship took a big hit. The tactic they used is called “triangulation”. That’s why I emphasize working together as a couple, keep going to counseling, educate yourselves to be completely aware of the methods our wayward adult kids will use against us. They are experts at tugging at our heartstrings and keeping us in emotional turmoil. It is extremely difficult to function in this state of mind. For my husband it was especially hard because in Hawaiian culture, ohana is [I]everything. No matter what. [/I]He was raised in a very dysfunctional setting, my father in law was abusive, and his older siblings were addicts. So he was used to the chaos. It is so unfortunate that many Hawaiian families suffer the social ills attached to the generational wounds of colonization. I am haole and was raised in a very different setting. Marrying a kanaka, the more I learned the more I was determined to raise my children immersed in their culture. I am all too familiar with family and friends pressuring that it is not “Hawaiian style” to “turn our backs on ohana.” Some may use this as a "cultural hammer" to drive their point that we need to stay actively engaged, to keep rescuing our adult kids. In actuality, the people of old did take measures to protect the rest of the ohana. If one went astray from values to the detriment of others, that member would be cut off until actions were taken to change and make amends. I’m not saying that we need to completely cut off our wayward adult kids, but we do need to take steps to recognize the damage done and work hard to protect our own physical, mental and spiritual health. We need to cut off sacrificing our own selves in a desperate attempt to invoke change in our adult kids. It does not work. Our kids will choose as they do. They will weaponize our emotional distress. We need to recognize our initial reactions that cause us to go off the deep end along with them. That’s why stepping back and allowing time to process our feelings, breath, gather our thoughts and wits is so important. In the past, dealing with my two, we went from one crisis to the next. It was hard to come up for air. I would lose sleep and stress over whatever new issue came up, then I saw this pattern reoccurring. With them and [I]myself[/I]. But you know what? I was the one emotionally devastated, they would pick up where they left off like nothing happened. It was “just another Tuesday” for them. This is emotional and mental cruelty. Iʻm sorry for the pain of it. These are the kind of manipulative controlling tactics many of us here have endured. It is designed to keep us in a frenzied state, to break us down. If we take a step back and remove our emotions from it, we can see it for what it is. I was at my computer writing earlier and was able to see your signature. For the challenges your daughter has, she is quite clever as far as pushing those emotional buttons. The hard truth is, is that she is the one holding all the cards in this “game.” She knows it. If you remove yourself from the table, you are no longer caught up in the game. It sounds so simple, but I know it is not. Our maternal instinct is to spring into action and protect at all costs. Especially when there is our unborn grandchild in the mix. It doesn’t feel right to do nothing. But what is there to be done? It is your daughter’s choice, even though she has disabilities, at least here in the U.S. as an adult she has the right to her decisions. From what you have described of L. it seems like any suggestions you make, she will be oppositional. I found this to be true with my daughters. They are more willing to accept information from strangers. A positive I see in your daughter’s situation is that a case worker is already involved. That’s a huge plus. There are eyes on her. Not yours, but someone who will hopefully keep watchful and can direct L. to resources she needs. I am an expert at thoughts running over and over in my head. What helped me was to give my two back to ke Akua. They were only on loan to me until reaching adult age. Their choices and lifestyles are too much for my heart to handle and I have no say in their decisions. When I worry or fret, I say a quick prayer. This has helped tremendously to stop the circular thinking, the anxiety. For years, my late husband and I spent so much time trying to help our daughters at the expense of the peace in our home, our well children. The reality is, we have no control over what our adult children choose. It was very uplifting, Seeking. My daughter Hoku teaches at the school and was moved to tears at the power of this moment of sharing. It is my hope that continued resurgence of the language, culture and spirituality will help to heal our families. Hoku is much like you described your eldest daughter, an easy child, with goals and achievements, responsibilities. She is sensible and tough. She has helped me many times come out of my despair over her siblings choices. She has set firm boundaries and won’t budge until she sees real change with her sisters. She is fiercely protecting her heart and her family. Spending time with her and my other children has helped me deal with the grief felt over my two wayward daughters. I have not given up hope that they may see their light and potential. I know that I am not the one to steer them in that direction. Lord I did try. I can love them and step aside, let go and let God. There is still heartache, but it is getting a bit lighter. I wish you strength along this journey. May ke Akua be with you and your husband and your family, calm your heart and give you peace of mind. You’ve got this Mama, one day at a time. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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