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21 year old son in and out of house
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 634281" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>One thing I learned in all my dealings with nonsense from my difficult child is, like COM, to ask myself questions. Hers are great. I have a few myself.</p><p></p><p>1/Am I helping him if I do what he tells me to do just because, like every difficult child far and wide, he calls me an awful mother? Is his thinking clear? Was I awful? Or is he just not getting his way so he is SAYING I'm awful...two different things.</p><p>2/Will what he wants and my giving into him help him become the man he must become in order to function?</p><p>3/Is my guilt over him rational?</p><p>4/Must I talk to him when he calls or texts me?</p><p>5/Would I be happier if I did not become involved with his drama?</p><p>6/Are relatives making me feel badly? If so, do I really need to listen to people who don't understand? Would I maybe be happier if I slow down my relationships with all toxic people in my life? Is it possible that my detractors are wrong?</p><p>7/In my heart of hearts, do I still feel I can fix him if I do what he asks me to?</p><p>8/If he weren't my son would I allow him to talk to me this way or would I listen to the person's demands?</p><p>9/Right now, this minute (and it could change) do I really like to be around my son?</p><p>10/If he were not related to me or if a friend or spouse were treating me this way, would I tolerate it?</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we do what others badger us to do or they reject us. Nobody likes to be rejected so that just adds to the pressure. We can learn to take what is helpful from others and leave the rest. We have the right to tell other people, "You know, I will be happy to talk to you, but the topic of difficult child is off limits and if you continue to discuss him, I will gently hang up/leave/wait until a day when you don't feel like discussing him." I have done this. If you stick to it, it works well.</p><p></p><p>Tips: Refrain from answering texts right away or even reading them right away. When was the last time he texted you just to ask how you are doing? In a healthy mother/son relationship between two adults the adult child truly cares about the parent and asks over his/her well being. When was the last time he taliked to you without accusation and demands for money/housing? Do you have any sort of relationship with him that does not include what you can give him? It makes one think.</p><p></p><p>Do not allow your difficult child to spoil you mentally, physically, or spiritually. Don't let him be the vampire that devours your soul. You deserve a good life without taking care of him as if you were still his "little boy mommy." He is an adult now and, even if he doesn't act like it, he has to grow up sometime or he'll end up in trouble with the law, which can not be blackmailed or guilted into treating him one year younger than his age.</p><p></p><p>You can't live forever.</p><p></p><p>You deserve a great rest-of-your-life and none of us signed up to "mommy" our adult children. We taught them all they needed to know to do well and they are choosing to reject our good advice and our good parenting. Yes, you were a good parent to him. That he doesn't choose to act as you taught him is on him, not on you. You have a nice, serene night and think over what YOU want to do. You have the right to change your mind at any time. And you don't owe difficult child any explanations. Your home should be your sanctuary.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart. It is very hard to take this walk, but all of us must or have.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 634281, member: 1550"] One thing I learned in all my dealings with nonsense from my difficult child is, like COM, to ask myself questions. Hers are great. I have a few myself. 1/Am I helping him if I do what he tells me to do just because, like every difficult child far and wide, he calls me an awful mother? Is his thinking clear? Was I awful? Or is he just not getting his way so he is SAYING I'm awful...two different things. 2/Will what he wants and my giving into him help him become the man he must become in order to function? 3/Is my guilt over him rational? 4/Must I talk to him when he calls or texts me? 5/Would I be happier if I did not become involved with his drama? 6/Are relatives making me feel badly? If so, do I really need to listen to people who don't understand? Would I maybe be happier if I slow down my relationships with all toxic people in my life? Is it possible that my detractors are wrong? 7/In my heart of hearts, do I still feel I can fix him if I do what he asks me to? 8/If he weren't my son would I allow him to talk to me this way or would I listen to the person's demands? 9/Right now, this minute (and it could change) do I really like to be around my son? 10/If he were not related to me or if a friend or spouse were treating me this way, would I tolerate it? Sometimes we do what others badger us to do or they reject us. Nobody likes to be rejected so that just adds to the pressure. We can learn to take what is helpful from others and leave the rest. We have the right to tell other people, "You know, I will be happy to talk to you, but the topic of difficult child is off limits and if you continue to discuss him, I will gently hang up/leave/wait until a day when you don't feel like discussing him." I have done this. If you stick to it, it works well. Tips: Refrain from answering texts right away or even reading them right away. When was the last time he texted you just to ask how you are doing? In a healthy mother/son relationship between two adults the adult child truly cares about the parent and asks over his/her well being. When was the last time he taliked to you without accusation and demands for money/housing? Do you have any sort of relationship with him that does not include what you can give him? It makes one think. Do not allow your difficult child to spoil you mentally, physically, or spiritually. Don't let him be the vampire that devours your soul. You deserve a good life without taking care of him as if you were still his "little boy mommy." He is an adult now and, even if he doesn't act like it, he has to grow up sometime or he'll end up in trouble with the law, which can not be blackmailed or guilted into treating him one year younger than his age. You can't live forever. You deserve a great rest-of-your-life and none of us signed up to "mommy" our adult children. We taught them all they needed to know to do well and they are choosing to reject our good advice and our good parenting. Yes, you were a good parent to him. That he doesn't choose to act as you taught him is on him, not on you. You have a nice, serene night and think over what YOU want to do. You have the right to change your mind at any time. And you don't owe difficult child any explanations. Your home should be your sanctuary. Hugs for your hurting heart. It is very hard to take this walk, but all of us must or have. [/QUOTE]
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