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21 year old son in and out of house
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 634320" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Our kids are masters at doing this and we excel at allowing it.........it's a part of the parent/child dilemma we all seem to get stuck in as we learn to let go.............it's the middle part where we're all trying on our new roles and trying to figure out exactly what our responsibility is towards these characters we call our difficult child's. It's hard! And, our kids know all the buttons to push to keep us in line!</p><p></p><p>You've gotten great advice YM. I'd add to do your level best to let go of guilt, that parental guilt that's filled with SHOULDS, we should have known how to fix this, we should be able to make this better, if we had only been a better parent this wouldn't have happened.........try to remember that this is <em>what it is,</em> we didn't cause it, we can't control it........now we have to learn to accept it. Not accept his behavior, but accept that we are powerless to change anything, that we have no control over another persons choices.</p><p></p><p>For me it helped to begin to place my focus on myself. When we have troubled kids, we slowly but surely put all of our attention on them and we begin to forget how to care for ourselves. It somehow seems natural and right to do this. However, what it really does is exhaust us, deplete us, drain us and bring on resentments and frustrations, angers and hopelessness. Begin to ask yourself, what is it that I WANT. What is it that I NEED. What am I WILLING to do, what am I NOT willing to do. What makes me happy. What can I do today to make myself feel GOOD.</p><p></p><p>Along with learning to detach from our kids, learning to put ourselves first, to make ourselves the priority, to learn that our needs and wants are valuable and appropriate is a very important and essential part of this journey. If you can make that shift for yourself, the rest of the path will become a lot easier for you. You will look upon all of it with different eyes, eyes that see the truth and value your well being. </p><p></p><p>YM it will help us if you can put a signature at the bottom of your post. Look on the upper right hand corner and click on your screen name, click on signature, write it and SAVE it. That way we can recall your story, the pertinent facts so we can remember and respond accordingly.</p><p></p><p>Stay close YM, we'll circle our wagons around you and do our best to support you as you walk along this shaky ground.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 634320, member: 13542"] Our kids are masters at doing this and we excel at allowing it.........it's a part of the parent/child dilemma we all seem to get stuck in as we learn to let go.............it's the middle part where we're all trying on our new roles and trying to figure out exactly what our responsibility is towards these characters we call our difficult child's. It's hard! And, our kids know all the buttons to push to keep us in line! You've gotten great advice YM. I'd add to do your level best to let go of guilt, that parental guilt that's filled with SHOULDS, we should have known how to fix this, we should be able to make this better, if we had only been a better parent this wouldn't have happened.........try to remember that this is [I]what it is,[/I] we didn't cause it, we can't control it........now we have to learn to accept it. Not accept his behavior, but accept that we are powerless to change anything, that we have no control over another persons choices. For me it helped to begin to place my focus on myself. When we have troubled kids, we slowly but surely put all of our attention on them and we begin to forget how to care for ourselves. It somehow seems natural and right to do this. However, what it really does is exhaust us, deplete us, drain us and bring on resentments and frustrations, angers and hopelessness. Begin to ask yourself, what is it that I WANT. What is it that I NEED. What am I WILLING to do, what am I NOT willing to do. What makes me happy. What can I do today to make myself feel GOOD. Along with learning to detach from our kids, learning to put ourselves first, to make ourselves the priority, to learn that our needs and wants are valuable and appropriate is a very important and essential part of this journey. If you can make that shift for yourself, the rest of the path will become a lot easier for you. You will look upon all of it with different eyes, eyes that see the truth and value your well being. YM it will help us if you can put a signature at the bottom of your post. Look on the upper right hand corner and click on your screen name, click on signature, write it and SAVE it. That way we can recall your story, the pertinent facts so we can remember and respond accordingly. Stay close YM, we'll circle our wagons around you and do our best to support you as you walk along this shaky ground......... [/QUOTE]
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