23 year old brother violent, rants and still lives at home

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WearybutHopeful, Jul 13, 2015.

  1. WearybutHopeful

    WearybutHopeful New Member

    Hi Forum, first time poster here

    I'm not a parent, but I just can't watch my parents deal with my 23 year old brother anymore. He gets mad at my parents saying he had an abusive childhood almost every day. He goes on rants for at least half an hour, spilling out all the wrongdoings he thinks has happened in his life, stuff that we've heard countless times. When we tell him to please leave the room and stop yelling, he gets angry and punches something, usually the wall. There are holes everywhere in our home that we've covered up with pictures or posters. Frankly we're running out of pictures to use. Some mornings he would wake up already mad at my parents about something that happened 10 years ago, even though no one did anything to irk him that morning. My parents are rarely around during the day because they both work so he doesn't interact much with them anyway, yet still gets unbelievably angry at them. My mom does her best to make sure he is fed, making dinner for us every night. Still, he doesn't appreciate that my parents still let him live here after all the damage he's done. He went to the hospital about 7 months ago for psychosis. He claimed that 5 years ago someone gave him a bag containing 3 million dollars for him to just have because of his "abusive childhood". He calls this person an "Earth angel." Then he said my dad prevented him from accessing that money, and that the money is now in the hands of some people that we went to elementary school with, people that my brother hasn't seen for 8 years. So even though he's been home now for 6 months the hospital still has responsibility for his behavior, and he has to go to regular meetings and appointments to receive injections to try to stop the psychosis from returning. The medicine hasn't shown signs of working so far so he still tells us all these stories. He currently works full time earning about $1600 a month, but he knows no financial responsibility so he spends most of that money. He also has a car, so if my parents do kick him out he won't be sleeping on the streets. My dad has no problems kicking him out, but my mom doesn't want to do it just yet. She always says he's "not normal" and that she's afraid if she kicks him out he won't be able to take care of himself. I said he'll just have to learn. My dad also says he'll probably have run ins with the law and be sent back home. I told him they don't have to let him back in. My dad has kicked him out once before for punching a huge hole in the wall, but he kept coming back to use our hose to brush his teeth and wash his face. My parents let him back in after a few days. I couldn't believe it. He's making all of our lives a living nightmare. We never know when he'll go off on another rant or start breaking things in the house. I hate being around him. So does my sister. I'll be moving out in about a month but I'm afraid without my pressure, my parents will never kick him out. I get mad at my mom sometimes for not even considering the option. My brother will be 24 in a couple months. I just don't know what to do anymore, or how to give my mom the strength she needs to take action.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Wearybuthopeful, how old are you? Are there other children in the household? I have to answer quickly but I will check back later.

    This is how I understand your problem: You feel that your mother has not heard your distress, She is not taking into account sufficiently your needs. She is overwhelmed by the needs of your brother and as if paralyzed by her fears for him.

    You are telling us, parents in similar situations, with the hope that we might know by virtue of our experiences, what to do. And you asking us for ideas.

    These are my initial thoughts.
    This is your parents decision to make and their responsibility. Unfortunately by choosing to protect your brother,you suffer. Your parents it seems have a great deal of confidence in you, your opinion, your resilience. They trust you it seems. But still, your needs are as important or more, than those of your brother. After all, he is an adult, whether he behaves as such or not.
    That is true. But the thing is this: It is very hard for mothers to let go of their children even if they are adults, if they are suffering and at risk. I think it is a biological impulse that keeps mothers attached to their children as long as they need them, adults or not.

    It is a learning process, which is very hard, that enables them to do so. Is it possible that your mother would consider visiting this forum?

    Parents from all over the world participate. We learn from each other. And we learn how to cope with and to respond to situations such as you have described about your family.
    Again, you are right. It is different being a mother from being a sibling.

    Your parents will have to come to this themselves. You are correct, I think, to let them know how this is affecting you. They need to factor in your feelings, your welfare, too.

    The thing is we as parents become overwhelmed by the needs of the dysfunctional child, and overlook the needs of the normal and functioning one. This is wrong. But it happens.

    I participated in a research study about siblings of chronically ill and dying children. They too felt they had been scarred by their parents' over-attention to their ill and dying siblings.

    I think the first thing is to speak again to your parents, without going outside of the family. I do not know how old you are, or if culturally your family would consider psychotherapy for you or for the family as a unit. This would be a decision of your parents.

    If you were an adult I would suggest psychotherapy or family therapy. So that you could voice your feelings and thoughts and get support. I could suggest a counselor at school to whom you could speak or a pastor of your faith. But this could be problematic. This is a family matter. Your parents could view it as a betrayal if you speak to other people, even extended family members.

    To be honest, I would have the expectation that my child speak directly to me. First.

    You have a lot on your plate and none of it is your responsibility. It was good thinking of you to post here, I think.
    This is true. And it matters.

    I wish your Mother could hear this or read this. How much you are suffering. Your needs and feelings matter.

    It is just that I understand your mother's feelings, fears and needs too.And your father's. That still does not take away their responsibility to you. Your Mother needs help. But from others. Not you. This is not your responsibility to take. Or your problem to solve.
    It is not your responsibility to give your mother strength. You cannot influence her to take action. That would not be fair to you. You do not deserve to have one piece of responsibility in this. Or to have the consequences on your shoulders of what may happen.

    My first step would be to consider talking to your father and tell him what you have told us. Perhaps he will think it makes sense for all of you to sit down together and go from there. Or perhaps he will consider getting help from others.

    I will check back with you later. Other people will respond. Each will have ideas. You can evaluate them all. And make a plan.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2015
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, welcome to the forum.

    The problems are two: We don't have enough information first. Is he on drugs? Is he schizophrenic? I can see a parent being afraid to send a psychotic adult child into a world that will let him rot. There are not many alternatives. It does not sound as if your brother accused your father of abuse. It sounds like he was hallucinating, which is different. He thought it happened. Is he on SSI and does he have a caseworker to help him find suitable housing and care? You have no idea if he can learn to take care of himself. No offense to you, but you don't seem to understand the seriousness of psychosis. He would do poorly on his own without adult supports, and all that is not something you can do anything about. If he has schizophrenia or any thought disorder, he will not learn from being on the streets. He will just exist. 1/3rd of our homeless are mentally ill. He does need help, unless his problem is only drug abuse and not the most severe of mental illnesses. Your mother is not ready to let go of him and I think you should let her take her own life's walk and take YOUR life's path. All parents in difficult situations react differently and I know I would appreciate my own child telling me what to do about another of my children when things were hard enough.


    The second issue is that this is not your child. You have no control over your parents, no matter how angry their behavior toward your brother makes you. It is up to them to decide what to do. It really isn't your business. Once you move out, it won't affect you.

    If you were his mother or father I'd give some advice on where to go for help and also on having him feel better about himself by contributing financially to the housue. For somebody sick, he makes a living and that is also puzzling. I am guessing this is not the full story.

    It is kind of you to care about your parents, but this is not your fight. I'd not try to control anyone but yourself. In the end, all we can control is us. We can learn to change our own behavior toward others (in a good way, hopefully), but we can not make anyone do anything and nagging and complaining is disrespectful. Your parents also have to learn what is best for them and you don't know what that is for them.

    Congratulations on your freedom. I hope you thrive.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2015
  4. WearybutHopeful

    WearybutHopeful New Member

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    SoT, you are right. I don't understand the seriousness of psychosis. I guess I was just thinking about how badly his behavior affects me and the family.

    He does have a caseworker but no one has entertained the idea of finding housing for him. Maybe I could suggest that to my parents to look into. He makes enough money to pay rent if he works full time. The thing is, he doesn't behave the way he does with us in front of other people or in public. He is actually quite subdued.

    He is not on hard drugs (he smokes a lot of marijuana though) and he was not diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was admitted into the hospital. They performed a brain scan and they didn't find anything abnormal. However, I think he has a very, very warped view of the past, and I'm not sure how or when it all began. He actually has accused my father of abusing him, and my mother of molesting him. I lived in the same house my entire life (we are within a year in age) and I never once saw anything like that. He claims it happened when my mom would give him a bath and that I would never know because I wasn't "there" to witness it. He also says that old teachers and family friends would tell him they felt sorry for him having to be molested. How would they even be getting this information?

    When he was around 15, he joined a drug dealing gang. He would come home with bruises and burns on his body. To this day we aren't sure exactly what happened during his time with this gang. But maybe his thought disorders stem from that? He never talks about them. Only blames my parents for everything. He has even gone as far as to say he wants to kill my parents for the pain they caused him. I know that he won't do it now, but who knows how he'll feel in a few years?
     
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Is that about the timeframe when these thought disorders started? If so, then it is possible that a bad drug trip could have damaged his brain.

    As long as your parents are prepared to live with his behavior and provide housing and support for him, the system will not suggest finding alternative housing. I can understand not wanting to just dump him on the streets. Perhaps your family needs to come to a united front and find ways to put pressure on the case worker to find a better (i.e. not at your house) placement for him.
     
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