23 year old son - I kicked him out when he was 18

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sea66, Jul 4, 2016.

  1. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    ow, how come I'm just now finding this site?
    Here's my story as short as possible:
    My son who is now 23 has been difficult from a fairly young age. Special Education, iep, adhd... single mother, abusive nonpresent father.
    When he was 15 his school was threatening to put him into canyon state, a school for kids with behavior problems.
    I put him into a military school instead, 6 month hard core, project challenge was the name. Great program! He was proud and confident upon graduation.
    Anyway, that was short lived. He returned to his bad behaviors, his bad friends, influences. I ended up kicking him out shortly after his 18th birthday. I did the whole bit, restraining order, alarm system, homeless starving phone calls, driving the streets for hours trying to find him, non stop crying and fear, bringing him back to only kick him out or call the police shortly after. I did that for a year until he was arrested for money laundering with a group of homeless kids. Felony. He spent 2 years in prison and was released on his 21st birthday. He came home to stay with me and could not be respectful. Stealing, lying, mouthing off, threats, blames me for his arrest and homelessness....
    Out! I can't take it. Prison was harder on me than it was on him. He is now living with his girlfriend in a dirty apartment, not working, expects hand outs, calls crying that he doesn't know how to do anything. That I never taught him anything. I am filled with guilt and shame. The pain is so deep and literal. I know I have to be hands off, but, Jesus have mercy! I've just been diagnosed with graves disease, hyperthyroidism, and I swear it's from years of fear. I would discribe to people the way I felt was like the feeling of falling, that panic feeling, but it was constant, and now cronic.
    I have always doubted my decision, and wondered, what if? But really, what other options did I have? He's 6'5 and threatening. I'm so frightened still. This has gone on way to long and now affects my health. It's strange how no matter what they do, you still love them with every part of your soul.
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  2. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    I hope this is where I'm supposed to post. Thanks to all that responded, it's such a relief to hear from you. I've been doing this for a long time.... I have searched high and low for help and/or reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. It just feels so strange to say no to them when they are screaming and to shut them out. But I just couldn't stand feeling so uncomfortable in my own home.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    we were out of town all weekend so we skipping the fireworks. it will be slow tonight due to July 4th, but you should get more feedback tomorrow.

    You are in the right place and you did the only thing you could do. He cant be a threat to uou and live with you and hes too old to be begging for money.

    have a good night.
  4. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I understand your pain and have and am walking the same path with my son. In spite of his struggles, I have found a place here where I can begin to detach his life from my happiness and sometimes find an inkling of joy even though my son awaits prison sentencing as we speak. I'm glad you found this site - I could have used to too from an early age with my son. I am plagued with guilt at times, but you know we absolutely did the best job we could at the time. I just have to let it all be and cease judgement as it serves me no purpose today. Keep coming back here - this is the only place I've found in all the years that they know exactly how I"m feeling.
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  5. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Thank you, and I'm sorry you're headed down that road. Prison visitations were a strange experience. Heartbreaking. Phone calls are expensive enough, don't put money on his books, he can figure out how to get money in there just like anywhere else. Bless you and soldier on.
  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Sea66. You did the right thing-in capital letters. What more could you do? There is a line drawn over and over and when we look back rationally we wonder how we ever got to this place. Being afraid in our own homes...so difficult to see when we are mired in it. I know now, months later, how close I was to a nervous breakdown.
    Your son functioning after military school proves he CAN do it, even if he doesn't want to. We had to realize this in a big way to understand (if anyone of us ever understands really) that our son chooses this lifestyle. It's easier to beg than work, easier to blame us, disabilities, the system or Mickey Mouse....everyone else's fault. Did you ever get up in the morning and go to work when you didn't want to because you needed paycheck and job? Of course, we all have. Except Dcs, they don't think they should have to do this. So...they also don't have to have the benefits, right? Their choice.
    It sounds like you're making progress for YOU.
    Keep saying no. We still do birthdays and Christmas but no other support and for the life of me, we can't find anything to give him that he can't turn into cash for alcohol or drugs. We would like to physically help our son as we do our other kids ie. moving, house projects, car repairs but we can't do that either because it turns into "buy it for me" sometimes with "I'll pay you back added" Another painful lie.
    For you today, know that you are not alone. Read members postscripts. Often it gives a snapshot of lives lived...that's what we're all trying to do, just make it through. Glad you have joined, so sorry you had to. Hold tight, you know what's right, you are strong. Prayers.
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  7. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Thank you! I have to go to work and I don't want to! :)
    I'll write more later.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Sea.
    We are all here for the same reason. All our stories are different but the same. We all love our children and did the best we could for them.

    I see so many parents that are not good parents and turn out wonderful children. It's so hard to understand.

    You are doing the right thing and you are not alone!
  9. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Thank you. Yes, I've seen that as well, very strange. Maybe I should have drank more while he was growing up. I see a lot of kids that take care of their parents and we're forced to become the adult at a young age.
  10. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    Hi Sea66
    You will find a lot of support here and many wise words from some amazing people.
    I also have a difficult son. He isn't causing me too much grief at present but is living just down the road and we never see each other. It's gone down to a text a week instigated by me. I've had to distance myself because he would take everything I have if I let him.
    These DCs are adults. They are not entitled to anything. They have to work for it and figure out their issues themselves. The easy thing is for them to blame us. They take no responsibility and use us as their emotional punch bags. My son is a bully. He's manipulative. I have had to detach but I didn't want to! I love him. I wanted to help him. But they take that from us. They tie our hands behind our backs because all they do is take advantage.
    The biggest thing that this group has taught me is that I am entitled to be happy. We HAVE to look after ourselves. Their choices should not define whether or not MY life is OK.
    Please take care of yourself and stay on this site. It's such a comfort to know we are not alone in our struggles with our DCs.
  11. Alaska

    Alaska New Member

    I have two sons that I am detaching from. 32 and 26. I thought the worst was the 26 bipolar schizophrenic but I am beginning to think the older one and his meth use is way worse. I have a third son that is 22 and while he has drained my pocket book from time to time he always manages to lad on his feet strange how it works out. There is lots of advise. You have to pick and choose. I just like it here because I thought I was the only one. Everyone else seems so together ..... I do think I could have made better choices and done things better for my kids and hind site is 20/20. Anymore it seems as if the kids who are saved from failure are the ones who fail the most. I should have let them go without a coat .....
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  12. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Lol! Right? You're such a horrible mother.
    Think about it though, we all (or most) did stupid stuff when we were younger. I didn't blame my parents. Heck, I wasn't even thinking about my parents! But, then again, I never did stuff like my son did. And I would never treat my parents the way he does.
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Sea66, we're glad you're here. You're at the right place! You're not alone! We have been or are right where you are today.

    Stepping back from people you love--- especially when they are clutching and crying and begging and threatening--- is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. It took me years to get sick and tired enough to stop. I would take one step and then two more back toward him. Over time, I finally saw that nothing changed if nothing changed. And I had to be the one to change.

    Today, my Difficult Child is two years into a steady path of progress. He was in jail 8 or 9 times, homeless multiple times, arrested many times, drunk and high, stole from people, was in multiple rehabs. It was the worst thing I have ever been through and I could have never in a million years thought I would have been in that place for so many years trying to figure out what to do next.

    Finally I learned and got strong enough to see that I had to: Just stop. Completely stop.

    And for a while it got worse with him. But then things started to change, and I believe one reason is that I got out of the way. Finally.

    We're here for you. Every situation is different. You will get lots of support, ideas, advice and encouragement here. Take what you like, and leave the rest. We understand. We really do.
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  14. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Ok, so here's the latest. I don't like talking about this with others, so this is a little strange. Plus, I've been doing this blindly for a while now, so I'm a little exhausted and sick with hyperthyroidism, so excuse me now if...

    My son "saved" a girl from drugs and alcohol a year ago and they have been living in a studio apartment for a couple of months (streets prior or his car that I repossessed) for $220 per week. They work here and there, pan handle, probably drug deals, who knows. She was working for a while while my son sat on his butt doing nothing. Felt like he found a substitute mommy.
    So, last week I get the frantic phone call: she's been arrested for probation violation and he can't function without her. "Get a job!" But if I get a job now, I won't get paid for 2 weeks and rent is due next week! "Get day jobs. Figure it out."
    Next day: mom, I'm trying to donate plasma and they denied me because I'm low on iron, can you please feed me? I told him that I was sorry but I couldn't help him right now. (Words from a book on enabling) later that day I get a text saying that he has had the best day ever! That he had gotten a new baby kitten. I said, "you can't eat the cat, and cat food and litter are very expensive! Please don't let another living thing suffer"

    That was Saturday. I brought him a Sunday paper and iron supplements the next day.
    Wonder if he looked for jobs or tore up the paper for kitty litter :)

    Haven't heard from him since. Girlfriend still in jail. I have a feeling they may keep her a while, which means that I will have to be unavailable. In hiding.

    Thanks to all for listening! I'm so grateful to have found you!
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  15. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    The book, "don't let your kids kill you" has become my bible.
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Low in iron due to drugs?

    it is common to try to sell plasma for drugs.

    im very sorry.
  17. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    I don't think he's doing anything, maybe pot, but I've seen him on meth, I don't think he's high. He's just very lazy and stuck. He has to suffer through it so that those situations don't happen again. It's just really hard to watch. Things are still pretty bad, but I can say that it's better than it was.
    He just called to thank me for the supplements, he says he feels a lot better, clear headed. Maybe he's being honest. Maybe he was lacking some major vitamins. Maybe he's manipulating the next "ask".
  18. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hi Sea66.

    Just to acknowledge your thread and let you know I am following along. You found us here in perfect timing, right when you needed us. Many folks here have given you good guidance in the prior responses, with which I wholly agree. I always daily feel comforted and encouraged and calmed down by the wisdom and reminders I read on the threads here.

    My 36 yr old Difficult Child son was recently released from jail. I have not posted details about it because I am afraid to put my glimmer of hope into words yet. I’m trying to make it through each day, one day at a time, as most of here try to do.

    You already have learned that we all understand here, and you are not alone. Stay with us. You sound stronger day by day. You are going to be alright. Hang in there. I’m glad you have found us, although sorry for the need to do so, with your hurting heart.

    Take care. Kalahou
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  19. Sea66

    Sea66 Member

    Good luck to you Kalahou. Thank you for your kind words. This is all so incredibly helpful. I think I may be in the calm before the storm right now, stay tuned...
  20. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    With my son I wish it were so easy. He is on psychotropic medication and in the county jail they will not let him be a trustee or work due to this fact. Texas has an abysmal mental health system so I put a small amount for him or otherwise he really would be tremendously vulnerable. I tried cutting him off totally through the years but I have had to come to some sort of personal peace due to his intellectual disabilities. This is what I can live with - I think each of us finds our own peace and I also respect everyone's choice in what is best for their situation.
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