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23 year old son returning to college--very anxious
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 697459" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Hi aging...</p><p></p><p>I want to deal with this part of your posts, because I think a lot of the answer to relationship issues and strain between us and our offspring is held here. We do the stuff they don't want to do. We think it will make them see things our way, that it will somehow model good behavior for them. We think if we just get it done they will grab that help and lift themselves up. We think if we don't do it they will somehow be in a worse situation.</p><p></p><p>I have four kids and an ex husband who was equally reluctant to do anything he didn't want to do at home (he was fine at work, thank goodness). I picked up cleaned up filled out took out moved in moved out answered checked responded looked up left out wrote out filled in and called back for everyone. And you know what? It was lousy. They didn't appreciate it. I came to resent it. They resented me for my doormat behavior (who likes a doormat?--I'll digress for a second and say that I am in a very aggressive field where I am a leader and hold sway over literally scores of other people in various arenas, and none of THEM think I'm a doormat...they wish! and yet, at home....)</p><p></p><p>With my neurotypical kids, I just alerted them. "I'm not going to do this anymore...whatever "this" was. You'll need to take responsibility for either doing it or living with the consequences." and you know what? It was fine! They did most of it, and what they didn't do...well, they lived with the consequences. And I was very nice to them when the consequences were nasty. I listened and sympathized, but I did not step in to fix. They are fine. I like them better and they like me better.</p><p></p><p>With my Difficult Child, well I did do the same thing. And I am better...he isn't really any better. But also, and this is key, he is not worse. And I don't resent him. I did what I could while he was growing up, and I did what I could when he was a late teen..but now he is 22 and I can't really impact his choices, so I choose not to do his work for him either. He is OK with that. I am the better for it. ONe of the consequences of his choices is that he is currently in jail. He calls me for 5 minutes a day, and I am generally quite sympathetic and nice to him (while pointing out from time to time that his being in jail is not a random event but the result of his choices...seee...I'm not a doormat!)</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying is...you are on the right track. Seeing the problem for what it is is a start. Fixing your own maladaptive behaviors is all you can do...all any of us can do. That and be nice to them when the consequences of their choices are nasty. And let them live with them. It won't necessarily "fix" our Difficult Child..ss but it will give us the space and resilience to live our own lives, and give them the space to figure things out in their own time in their own way, as we all must eventually.</p><p></p><p>Good luck to you.</p><p></p><p>Echolette</p><p></p><p>Oh gosh, I forgot to note...I actually had to leave college as a sophomore for major depression...imagine my surprise when my mom called me in my apartment one day and said she was coming (from 5 hours away) to get me. My room mate had called the dean and the dean had called my mom. I took several incompletes and failed one course. I spent a month in bed then my mom wrestled me out to see a therapist. After several months at home I went back to college to dip my toe in the water with a summer session. They made me do all the talking to my professors about either dropping classes, making up missed work, or taking a fail. I sorted that out, survived summer session, and ultimatly graduated on time and went on to grad school (I had to take an extra year of classes to qualify). So ye...it is possible to get back on track.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 697459, member: 17269"] Hi aging... I want to deal with this part of your posts, because I think a lot of the answer to relationship issues and strain between us and our offspring is held here. We do the stuff they don't want to do. We think it will make them see things our way, that it will somehow model good behavior for them. We think if we just get it done they will grab that help and lift themselves up. We think if we don't do it they will somehow be in a worse situation. I have four kids and an ex husband who was equally reluctant to do anything he didn't want to do at home (he was fine at work, thank goodness). I picked up cleaned up filled out took out moved in moved out answered checked responded looked up left out wrote out filled in and called back for everyone. And you know what? It was lousy. They didn't appreciate it. I came to resent it. They resented me for my doormat behavior (who likes a doormat?--I'll digress for a second and say that I am in a very aggressive field where I am a leader and hold sway over literally scores of other people in various arenas, and none of THEM think I'm a doormat...they wish! and yet, at home....) With my neurotypical kids, I just alerted them. "I'm not going to do this anymore...whatever "this" was. You'll need to take responsibility for either doing it or living with the consequences." and you know what? It was fine! They did most of it, and what they didn't do...well, they lived with the consequences. And I was very nice to them when the consequences were nasty. I listened and sympathized, but I did not step in to fix. They are fine. I like them better and they like me better. With my Difficult Child, well I did do the same thing. And I am better...he isn't really any better. But also, and this is key, he is not worse. And I don't resent him. I did what I could while he was growing up, and I did what I could when he was a late teen..but now he is 22 and I can't really impact his choices, so I choose not to do his work for him either. He is OK with that. I am the better for it. ONe of the consequences of his choices is that he is currently in jail. He calls me for 5 minutes a day, and I am generally quite sympathetic and nice to him (while pointing out from time to time that his being in jail is not a random event but the result of his choices...seee...I'm not a doormat!) I guess what I am saying is...you are on the right track. Seeing the problem for what it is is a start. Fixing your own maladaptive behaviors is all you can do...all any of us can do. That and be nice to them when the consequences of their choices are nasty. And let them live with them. It won't necessarily "fix" our Difficult Child..ss but it will give us the space and resilience to live our own lives, and give them the space to figure things out in their own time in their own way, as we all must eventually. Good luck to you. Echolette Oh gosh, I forgot to note...I actually had to leave college as a sophomore for major depression...imagine my surprise when my mom called me in my apartment one day and said she was coming (from 5 hours away) to get me. My room mate had called the dean and the dean had called my mom. I took several incompletes and failed one course. I spent a month in bed then my mom wrestled me out to see a therapist. After several months at home I went back to college to dip my toe in the water with a summer session. They made me do all the talking to my professors about either dropping classes, making up missed work, or taking a fail. I sorted that out, survived summer session, and ultimatly graduated on time and went on to grad school (I had to take an extra year of classes to qualify). So ye...it is possible to get back on track. [/QUOTE]
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