26 year old son beat up my 30 year old daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by aud, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. aud

    aud Member

    I have adult bipolar son who lived at my house until the other day after he beat up his sister. We pressed charges but once he is out he will be homeless. Im scared of him freezing to death but I have finally come to terms with I have to protect myself and daughters. Be safe...when there is violence it seems to only get worse.

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  2. BackintheSaddle

    BackintheSaddle Active Member

    My heart goes out to you, aud...it's scary to think of what their future may hold once they go down that path...you have to take care of yourself though...maybe there's a group home/halfway house in the area where he can go? I'm sure the jail can refer him to somewhere or at least tell him about shelters...maybe it'll be the rock bottom for him and he'll finally get some help...I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness
     
  3. aud

    aud Member

    My 26yr old son beat up my 30 yr old daughter. My son is bipolar and has been off his medication. For 5 years. He is abusive in every way. He calls his sister and I counts britches, threatens us prr try much on a daily basis. So a few days before Christmas he again was verbally abusing my daughter, and she finally snapped and said things back to him. She usually just walks away but not this time. Well he didn't like it so he picked her up by her hair and put her head into a wall, she then fell to the floor and he kicked her in the head at least 25 times. Police were called he got arrested and she was taken to the hospital. I know I have to act on detachment. This is very hard. When my son gets out of jail he will be homeless. Am I doing the right thing by not allowing him back n my home. Please help

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  4. aud

    aud Member

    My 26 year old son beat up my 30 yr. Old daughter. My son is bipolar but off medication. For. 5 years. He abuses us in every way.. we are called awful names like the c word :censored2:es threatens us, and this for the most part is everyday. So a few days before Christmas he was verbally abusing my daughter his sister and she finally snapped and said things back to him. She usually walks away but not this time. Well he didn't like what she was saying so he picked her up by the head and rammed it into a wall. She fell to the floor then he kicked her head about 25 times. He got arrested and she got taken to the hospital. When he gets out of jail I am not going to allow him to live with us which means he will be homeless. We can't take it anymore. He sits around talks sick talk dissent work and complains there isn't alot of food in the house. Just a few days before all of this happened he threatened to bash my head in so he could just go to jail and have a place to live. Am I doing the right thong by not allowing him back in my home.

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  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm almost speechless. Please protect yourself and your daughter. Has your daughter been to the doctor and a therapist? ? He should not be allowed back in your home...YES...to your answer to that question! Don't allow him in your home. Get new and extra secure locks. Please seek counseling for yourself and your daughter immediately!!!!!! After he gets out of jail, if you feel it is safe, you might help him get in touch with social service agencies and encourage him to apply for food stamps and do what the court says he needs to do. You might see if he can get free or low cost medical services (psyche services). But, yes, he needs to stay away from you. Only talk with him on the phone npbriefly. if he ismrude, nicely say goodbye and quickly hang up. This is urgent! It will be a very long time and possible never, before he should be allowed to be in your home. It is not safe and sadly...it doesn't look good at this point at all. This is a dangerous, serious, horrible, disturbing and life altering situation and should be treated as such. Read up on mental illness, entitlement, boundaries and again, get counseling immediately for you and your daughter immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please read posts here especially by recovering Enabler, Scent of Cedar...other moderators. Just read everything you can get your hands on and stay safe and strong and get to a counselor (you and your daughter) ASAP!
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2014
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

  7. aud

    aud Member

    Thank you for your reply...actually that was my first post. I appreciate your advice. My son doesn't have a key so no need to change the locks. I just pray he doesn't break a window or something just to get back at us for having him arrested.

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  8. aud

    aud Member

    Yes she has been to the dr. And hospital , thankfully she is now ok. She did have a concussion and black eye. From her brother .the police feel he will come back here, they want us to go to a shelter.

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  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Keep in close touch with the police and Very Seriously consider going to a shelter several days before he is likely to be released. Take this very seriously. Protect yourself and your daughter.
     
  10. I'm so sorry this happened to you! You must be feeling sick about everything. Yes, you definitely did the right thing by blocking his return.

    Since this was an assault case, is there automatically a restraining order in place? I think that's how it works in my state.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Take out an order of protection against him. Bipolar doesn't cause people to behave like that. He is either not on his medications, abusing some drug, or has another problem outside of bipolar and you all need to be protected from him regardless of his diagnosis. It's his turn to step up to the plate and either take charge of whatever his problems are or to realize that his life will be horrible.

    I have a mood disorder and other diagnosis. too. Nobody else can help the person who is mentally ill if the person is unwilling to take the right medications and work very hard with a good psychologist. And it is a lifetime challenge, but it can be done.It is right for you to have a zero tolerance for violence or THREATS of violence in your house. You need to stay safe from your son. I have one son who I would never allow to live with me because of verbal threats he has made and his anger issues, which scare me.

    I'm so sorry for you and your daughter's suffering. Keep us posted and welcome to the board.
     
  12. aud

    aud Member

    When my son gets out of jail and finds out he will be homeless im very scared he will commit suicide. This is why I always let him come back, which after he beat my daughter up I know that is no longer an option. How do I handle all of this. Im afraid to lose him but like friends and family tell me I really lost him a very long time ago when he refused to take medication which was 5 years ago.

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  13. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Oh, aud ~ what a horrible position to be in.

    I don't think there is any right answer aud, but this is what comes to mind: When I think about my son, I remember all the wonderful things about him, I remember everything I hoped for him (and for me). I remember how handsome he was as a little boy, how strong the curve of his back, how sweet it was to watch him begin changing into the man he would become. But for you, and for me too aud, that promise never came to be.

    Somehow, some impossible to believe somehow, everything changed.

    For the longest time, I took the blame for that, aud. And then, one day, I woke myself up a little bit. I am still my son's mother. And as his mother? I demand better of him than what he does. I demand it, I expect it, I will accept nothing less. I want my son to stand up. I will no longer encourage weakness by responding to it as though he cannot do any better. This applies to your son too, aud. He knows what he did. He knows it was wrong, and he understands very clearly why he cannot come home.

    If it was a question of taking his medication, he was the one who chose not to take it.

    I know it doesn't feel right to fault the kids when they are not thriving. It feels like it must be our fault, somehow. But aud, by letting him come home, you would be supporting his choice not to take his medication and excusing what he did to your daughter. The message there is that it was okay to do what he did. And what we encourage aud, we will get more of.

    For your son's sake aud, you need to rethink how you are thinking about this.

    It's like Scott G said in his post that time. We need to accept our kids for who they are, and stop judging them for that. It is what it is. When there is no judgment call involved, there is no blame. Then, you can see clearly and make a better decision.

    Once I could do that? I lit right into my own son. He IS rude, he DOES whine, he is not standing up, and he does blame me for every bad choice he ever made.

    So now? He knows that is exactly how I feel. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to change his behavior toward and about me considerably.

    But do you know who was the bad guy in my relationship with my son, aud?

    Me.

    I am his mother.

    I did not stop him when he began treating me differently. I did not condemn him for his bad choices, for his drug use and the people he dragged into my life and my home.

    It's late in the day aud, but we are still their mothers. If you want things to change for your son, it can start with you. You are probably the only one left who loves him enough to demand better from him than what you have had in the past.

    It is hard to change how we see, aud? But once you act on what, really, you have known all along? It feels so perfectly, absolutely right.

    Cedar
     
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I could not respond with more understanding that Cedar. Obviously her post is straight from the heart and based on experience. I can, however, send you hugs of support. My suggestion is for you to prepare a list of homeless shelters, food distribution sites and include on that list addresses and phone number. I also suggest including the numbers of mental health outreach groups including suicide prevention numbers. You do need to change the locks at your home
    and, if needed, get a protective order so if he shows up you can call the police to remove him from your property. Chances are great that he will show up and also that he will bombard you with phone calls of remorse, fear, guilt etc. Although I have not been in your shoes I strongly suggest that you do not answer any telephone calls as they will just upset you.

    If he is still in jail I think he should be informed before release so he has time to think about your position. Likely he will assume he can manipulate his way back into your home but at least he will have time to think about his future in advance so he will be less likely to be explosive. We will all be here to support you. DDD
     
  15. aud

    aud Member

    Yes there is automatically a restraining order in place. I sit here and think what kind of a job will he ever be able to get with assault on his record, like in my mind I sometimes think maybe I should of made him leave instead of Calling police but when is he going to be. Held accountable for what he did if we didn't call the police. He could of literally killed his sister. I just wish it would all go away

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  16. aud

    aud Member

    Thanks

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  17. aud

    aud Member

    And your right he hasn't been on medications. In 5 years

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  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    As you continue to post aud, you will be able to see that none of this is your fault. For right now, the most important thing is to keep yourself and your daughter safe from this man who has already beat her, once. Has your son hit you, aud? There is a line that should never be crossed between anyone who is bigger and stronger than those he or she lives with. When that line is crossed, it means something more, something worse, than anger. Abusive relationships are about power, about jealousy and control.

    That is why we counsel you not to have this abusive person in your home again, aud.

    You don't really have a choice. Your son has shown you who he is.

    Believe him, aud.

    Cedar
     
  19. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I feel your pain and uncertainty, aud-3 years ago my son punched me so hard that I spent 5 days in the ICU with a bleed on the brain. I STILL let him back into my home and was fearful of all the things that you express, he would be homeless, commit suicide, etc. I let the behavior continue and escalate until I lived in abject terror of him and what he was capable of doing. The police were called many times, as I was always the whipping boy for the problems he was having but after years of protecting and trying to "fix" him, I decided that I would never let him put his hands on me again without police intervention.

    But it's still no way to live. The fact that he so violently and brutally attacked your daughter is appalling and as hard as it is (the hardest thing I have EVER had to do) you can NOT let him live with you again. The potential for murder is too great. You need peace of mind -not that you will find it easy, knowing your son is not "safe" in your house-but you need to know that he will not ever be able to threaten and carry out his threats against you and your loved ones.

    I truly understand how you feel and it's incredibly stressful. My son ended up going to a Mission where he was clean, sober, responsible and loving (the young man I USED to know!) for 8 months. Iwas full of hope and joy. As soon as he graduated from the program, he went back out and began everything he had always done to get himself in trouble in the first place.

    I took him to Colorado in June of last year (I have a thread about it on here-don't know how to do the link, sorry) and he had a mixed bag of good and bad experiences. He was homeless, but survived, met a girl and was planning to marry her. Told me about this in November. A week later I got a call from the county jail-he was arrested for trying to STRANGLE HER and is now facing a possible 5-16 year PRISON sentence.

    I'm just realizing that my story is not very encouraging to you and I apologise-not to say that any of this will happen to YOUR son, but if someone has those kind of violent tendencies, I don't believe they will change and you MUST PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR LOVED ONES from the danger. He is going to be who he is. Of course he won't like having nowhere to go but there are places available and believe me you do NOT want to be the outlet for his rage. Try to get as far away from him as possible so that you don't live in fear of him dropping by unexpectedly and with a dangerous agenda on his mind (I used to fear that too and moved to an apartment and never told him where I lived).

    I do hope I haven't hijacked your thread-I will start my own about my current fears, but just wanted to show support for you and your daughter-I can't even imagine the pain and terror SHE is feeling! And to let you know that without therapy and courage (if I do say so myself) I would NEVER have distanced myself from my son and would probably be dead by now. I wish you all the strength and love I can-this is SO hard, but you and your daughter cannot live in this kind of fear-he is doing what he wants and there must be far reaching consequences for his actions.
     
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  20. aud

    aud Member

    I do appreciate you sharing your story. That is what I like about this site. When I have been in counseling it was different. I really do feel the best help is listening to others who are going through similar experiences, so thank you.

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