2nd counselor visit

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by worried sick mother, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    My sons car had torn up a while back and I took it to get it fixed, he had left the key to his apartment on the key ring so I went and had a 2 extra keys made. I have gone to his apartment when I know he's not there a few times to try to find answers as to what on earth he is taking and also I wanted this key just in case there was ever an emergency. I have this fear that he will overdose and I may need to get in there to save him. I called him a few days ago because I was on my way to another town to go shopping and invited him to go with me because I drive by the town he lives in to there, he said he wasn't home that he was at a friends and that his live in girlfriend was at work so I decided to stop by and look around. I had literally just hung up the phone with him so I knocked on the door to be sure then I let myself in. I started looking through his garbage and he came out from the bedroom and was very calm(normally he would freak out) and wanted to know how I got in and why I was going through his garbage. I said the door was unlocked, he tried to go outside with me and said he didn't want me in there. I said I had to use the restroom first which is in the bedroom(very small apartment). He didn't want me to and I ask if someone was in there and he said no that his girlfriend is at work so I insisted, he walks me in there and his girlfriend was hiding in the bathroom so then he says she is getting ready for work. I insisted on using the restroom so she came out and then I knew why he was trying to get me out and she was hiding. She was so messed up, her eyes looked horrible, she tried not to look at me, she didn't say one word to me and she would have normally told me off for just walking in if she wasn't so messed up. I couldn't tell so much with him that he was messed up other than he was so calm and didn't let me have it for just walking in and going through his trash.

    So I went back to see the counselor yesterday and my husband went with me. My mother did not go. I told the counselor this story and he told my husband that he needs to take the key from me. He said that all I'm doing is upsetting myself by going there and that I'm not going to help my son. I even explained that I could possibly need in just in case of emergency. So on the way home my husband ask for the key which I didn't want to give him but I thought well I'll just give him one and I still have the other one just in case. My husband knew about the second key and he took both. I swear it felt like he took oxygen away from me. I tried to promise that I wouldn't go there to snoop anymore that I just wanted to keep it for emergencies but he still took it. I cried and I got mad. The counselor says that my son will never get better until I get better myself. He told me all about detachment which I know from being in here and reading your stories.
    Detachment goes against everything in me as a mother. I know it's what I need to do but why is it so hard? I don't think I'm strong enough. This is truly consuming my whole life, I can't sleep and I can hardly eat, it's literally all I think about. I want to save him! The counselor says I need to focus my energy on my other children but there's nothing wrong with them, their not sick.
    I am going to go to my first al anon meeting tonight, pray it helps. Sorry such a long post but I feel this is the only place where I'm understood.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You can't. I know - it's hard. VERY hard. We (moms and some dads too) want to keep our kids from harm. But sometimes we do as much or more damage in the process. They have to want help before anything will help. You can't do it for him. No matter how hard you try.

    I've been down this road. So have others here on this site. If you don't focus your energy on your other children, they WILL end up having their own problems. They NEED you. More than that, they need you to be healthy, and to be there for them in ways that you cannot be when you are spending all your energy on the kid who doesn't want help. Yes, please... focus on the other kids. They are probably hurting in ways that you don't see yet. Any time one child has challenges, the other kids automatically have extra needs.

    Sounds like you have a good counselor... and a great hubby. Because hubby has the keys, if there ever IS an emergency, it is still possible to get in. But he will know what an emergency is.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    It is terribly hard but your counselor and hubby were right. Of course you want to save your son, that is what we all want....and the effort to do so can be all consuming.

    So the only thing you can do is to love him and keep the door open to a better relationship. It's impossible to have a good healthy relationshipn with a drug addict but you want to keep that door open. Going to his place and snooping will not help keep that door open so don't do that anymore. No judgement from here as I have done my share of snooping in the past.

    If you see your son really messed up call 911 ....you can certainly alert authorities when you think he is in danger.

    I hope the alanon mtg helped....because the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and be there for your hubby and other kids.
  4. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Once you realize that you cannot save your son, once you realize you must detach, and once you realize he has to want to change himself.. Only then will you be on the right track. The sooner you do this, the healthier you will be. I love my son with all my heart and I've learned to do these things. It goes against my mother instincts too. But our addicted children need to want to be sober more than we do, they need to want it more than anything in the world. Until then we are torturing ourselves to try to make them stop. Keep telling him you're there for him when he's ready to get help, tell him you believe in him, tell him you believe this is not his future, he's worth so much more.. Then detach. Wait. Pray. Hope. I'm sorry you're going through this and I do wish for your son to get well. ((Hugs))
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh worried sick mom, we do understand. I have done the exact same thing you did...searched his room, searched his backpack, searched every inch of his car, stalked his social media accounts, googled his name...everything I could think of...so I would just KNOW. I needed to KNOW.

    I know now what I was doing, what that was all about. If I know the whole story, then I can make a plan that will work. That will turn him around.

    What you are doing is a normal part of the process. What are kids are doing is unthinkable and then, what we start doing turns out to be unthinkable over time.

    I am so glad you are getting support through therapy and Alanon. I hope you will keep on going to both even if you don't like either one. Keep going back and try to go with an open mind.

    Letting go is very hard and very painful...and it just doesn't feel right. It feels like we need to do the opposite...do more not less...but those are our feelings talking and our feelings aren't facts. That is something alanon will talk about and it will start to make more sense over time.

    Hang in there. You are doing the right things from my experience. We're all here for you.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my dear worried sick, I have been exactly where you are right now. I followed my daughter around, I checked her emails and her texts and her phone calls. I had a list of all the numbers from her phone and I attached names to them so I knew who she was talking to. I read her facebook and myspace and you name it I did it. I went looking for her when she didn't come home. When I look back now I can't believe I survived. I was going to save her if it was the last thing I did, and it almost was. I tried to rationalize it but there was no way. I had to get myself detached from all that craziness. I said the same thing you did, it was unnatural, I was the mom. But it is true, I had to stop living her life. I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not keep her from doing what she was going to do.

    I did find a couple support groups. I had to go to many different al-anon meetings before I found some that I connected with and it did not help overnight, it took a while. I found families anonymous to be most helpful. Little by little I found myself thinking of other things than my daughter. Step by step, maybe two forward one one back at times. But it wasn't until I learned how to live my life separate from her that I began to get better and she began to get help, because she had fallen down so low that the had to pick herself up.

    It will not be easy, this will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do. You cannot save your son, only he can do that. You can be there, strong and independent, if and when he comes to you for help. Until then you need to take care of yourself.

    Sending hugs of understanding.

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    Last edited: Aug 21, 2015
  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Thank you so much everyone. I went to my first al anon meeting tonight. I didn't say anything, I just took it all in. There were two older women there that have been going to al anon for many years and they were both very helpful for me. I plan to keep going. They gave me the al anon book and I am going to read it completely. It was hard for me to go, it's easy to get on here where no one really knows who I am but to go in my small community was a struggle. I felt welcomed though.
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Worried Sick Mom

    You are doing great. You have an excellent therapist and a loving and wise husband who is trying to protect you.

    Actually, I think your son handled it all pretty good. He stayed calm, it seems.

    It is not clear how he affords his apartment.

    Even if you are paying for it, he deserves the respect of privacy.

    If you suspect he is doing things that are destructive, you need to rethink any support you are providing.

    Take care and keep posting.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I never did find out the extent of drug abuse my daughter did and I did go through her room a lot to try to find out. Why, I don't know. She was not willing to stop yet so it would only have scared me.

    But I'm trying to tell you I did the same thing and I understand.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  10. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Copabanana, we pay for part of his rent and consigned for the apartment, also pay several bills. I always respected his privacy. He has been manipulating us that he has a mental illness of bipolar 2 when I have questioned drugs all along. My very first post on this site was asking if it sounded like drugs or mental illness. Until my son totaled his car ( actually my car) and got a DUI while he was on the time clock at work I didn't know for sure or was in denial one. So I've been trying to find answers. Now I want to know what type of drugs. He gets pretty crazy at times and I guess I was trying to figure out what drug could make someone this crazy and if he is doing something that may kill him. Also we had a deal that no one else would live with them if we helped with rent and I think possibly 2 more people may be living there in a one bedroom apartment. We don't live in the same town and when I go there he doesn't allow me in, he comes outside. When I was there the other day he was trying to walk outside with me and he said I don't want you in here.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how hard this is for you. I, too, tried everything to try to save my daughter. I was sure that I just had to find the right doctor, the right medications, the right rehab, the right halfway house and so on. My husband and I spent over $60,000 dollars on a very highly recommended 3-month treatment program. We forced our daughter to go using an interventionist and she started using again as soon as she got out.

    It took ten years before I finally realized that it wasn't mine to fix. It took two years of private therapy for me to stop enabling my daughter. This is hard to hear but every penny that you spend supporting him (i.e. apartment rent) is just giving him money to spend on drugs.

    I started taking my husband with me to my therapy visits after the first year and it helped him, too. We finally cut off all financial help and stopped letting our daughter manipulate us. Now that she realizes we are serious she has cut off contact with us.

    I will always love my daughter but I refuse to be in a toxic relationship with her. I understand now that she is the one that needs to do the work if she is serious about recovery. I hope to re-establish a relationship one day but it will have to be after she shows us that she is serious about recovery through actions . . . not words.

    Your son is still very young. I wish I had learned about detachment and setting boundaries while my daughter was that age.

    Keep posting. You will find incredible support and understanding here.

  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The thing is, worried sick mother, what will you do when you find out?

    Think about the situation. You are paying part of his rent. He won't let you in.

    You said no other people. You think 2 more people are living there.

    If your suspicions are correct you may be subsidizing him to collect rent from 2 people who give him money, possibly to buy drugs.

    Where is your leverage? Each of our children has the power through their foolish and destructive choices to kill themselves or others. How will you stop your son? How will I stop my son?

    My son has an illness that is fatal if not controlled. A medicine that he will not take will control the illness. What can I do? He is an adult.

    The more we try to control our children, the more likely they are to rebel and to do more of the thing that we most fear. That is the reality. The sooner we realize this, the better it will be for us.

    Accept it. All of our children have the potential to be foolhardy enough to kill themselves. What can we do? What can you do?

    Nothing you can do can make one bit of difference.

    The only thing we can do is to stop enabling our kids. Stop giving them money or support so that they can run more amok. Leave them to their own devices so that they can see exactly what is the life they are choosing.

    I wish it were different. But they are not our babies anymore.They are adults with the freedom to choose their own destinies.
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    Last edited: Aug 22, 2015