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36 hours after release from jail, difficult child is high and drunk...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 618378" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>It's like dominoes. One realization leads to another and to another and to another, and one day, you are better. It is a slow, slow process, and we have to be gentle with ourselves and each other. This board does a great job with that. </p><p></p><p>First, acceptance of who our loved ones have shown themselves to be (the longest and hardest part of the journey). They are who they are. Sometimes I forget all of the incidents. I wish I had written them down as they happened, this history. I do have journals with bits and pieces and stories of the decline of my son's life over the past 10 years. </p><p></p><p>Second, that they may always be this way. I used to think that one day, he would GET IT, then TURN, and walk in a NEW DIRECTION. I spent a lot of time waiting on that to happen. I would literally scream in his face, cry, rage, shake him...you name it, to try to inject some sense directly into my brain. I acted insanely, like he does. And accepting this means "trying on for size" the idea that he may lose his life to it, as this life is a very dangerous one. </p><p></p><p>Third, that the way he is is the source of the drama, the chaos, the insane behavior, the "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I used to contribute to that, and I still can at times. I have to work HARD (just like he will have to do, if he ever decides he wants a different life) to keep my serenity.</p><p></p><p>Fourth, that I have a choice. I have lots of choices. I don't have to actively participate in the drama, the chaos, and insane behavior that comes when I talk to him, when I see him, when I hear from him. I can separate from him and from that behavior as I see fit. That doesn't change my love for him one iota. It doesn't change my prayers and my hopes for him one iota. I will KNOW if and when he really changes if that ever happens. I will be able to hear it in his voice. </p><p></p><p>Fifth, I can focus on my own life. I only have one life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is IT. I only have one day, this day. What will I do with it?</p><p></p><p>I so much see my own walk, my own struggle, in parallel to my son's walk, my son's journey. We are both struggling. I have (mostly) stopped struggling against his disease. I am now struggling with my own recovery, my own life from being an enabler and a fixer to just being myself and working on myself. That is a full-time job. </p><p></p><p>None of this---none of it---is easy. It takes work, it takes tools, it takes other people. Al-Anon gives so much of that, and this board is another great tool, plus books I read, writing, etc, etc. </p><p></p><p>Having felt and glimpsed the peace, the serenity and the joy that comes with this type of work, the fruit of it, I want to stay in this and fill more of my life with it. </p><p></p><p>My heart is with you black. This DOESN'T make any sense and it never will. It is a disease and one of the worst kinds of diseases. There is no way to fully grasp or understand this disease. </p><p></p><p>Acceptance is the only path to peace and that is hard path, but a path that is worth it, to walk. I hope and pray your son hits his rock bottom sooner rather than later, and begins the long, hard work of change. I hope my son does too. But most of all, I wish you peace and a great life yourself. YOU are the only one who can live this life. Prayers for you and for your son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 618378, member: 17542"] It's like dominoes. One realization leads to another and to another and to another, and one day, you are better. It is a slow, slow process, and we have to be gentle with ourselves and each other. This board does a great job with that. First, acceptance of who our loved ones have shown themselves to be (the longest and hardest part of the journey). They are who they are. Sometimes I forget all of the incidents. I wish I had written them down as they happened, this history. I do have journals with bits and pieces and stories of the decline of my son's life over the past 10 years. Second, that they may always be this way. I used to think that one day, he would GET IT, then TURN, and walk in a NEW DIRECTION. I spent a lot of time waiting on that to happen. I would literally scream in his face, cry, rage, shake him...you name it, to try to inject some sense directly into my brain. I acted insanely, like he does. And accepting this means "trying on for size" the idea that he may lose his life to it, as this life is a very dangerous one. Third, that the way he is is the source of the drama, the chaos, the insane behavior, the "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I used to contribute to that, and I still can at times. I have to work HARD (just like he will have to do, if he ever decides he wants a different life) to keep my serenity. Fourth, that I have a choice. I have lots of choices. I don't have to actively participate in the drama, the chaos, and insane behavior that comes when I talk to him, when I see him, when I hear from him. I can separate from him and from that behavior as I see fit. That doesn't change my love for him one iota. It doesn't change my prayers and my hopes for him one iota. I will KNOW if and when he really changes if that ever happens. I will be able to hear it in his voice. Fifth, I can focus on my own life. I only have one life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is IT. I only have one day, this day. What will I do with it? I so much see my own walk, my own struggle, in parallel to my son's walk, my son's journey. We are both struggling. I have (mostly) stopped struggling against his disease. I am now struggling with my own recovery, my own life from being an enabler and a fixer to just being myself and working on myself. That is a full-time job. None of this---none of it---is easy. It takes work, it takes tools, it takes other people. Al-Anon gives so much of that, and this board is another great tool, plus books I read, writing, etc, etc. Having felt and glimpsed the peace, the serenity and the joy that comes with this type of work, the fruit of it, I want to stay in this and fill more of my life with it. My heart is with you black. This DOESN'T make any sense and it never will. It is a disease and one of the worst kinds of diseases. There is no way to fully grasp or understand this disease. Acceptance is the only path to peace and that is hard path, but a path that is worth it, to walk. I hope and pray your son hits his rock bottom sooner rather than later, and begins the long, hard work of change. I hope my son does too. But most of all, I wish you peace and a great life yourself. YOU are the only one who can live this life. Prayers for you and for your son. [/QUOTE]
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36 hours after release from jail, difficult child is high and drunk...
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