4 hours with daughter...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    it made me realize how much stress I lived with so long. And maybe I stress her the same, too? We really don't mix well, and I hate saying that. We drove an hour to the city to see her previous psychologist. 6 weeks ago she asked to make an appointment. then they were to see each other again in 2 weeks. She cancelled her appointment because the fair was in town. So we rescheduled. They didn't make any more appointments. Just to call when she wants to be seen.

    Oh, and at the last minute she wanted me to let her pick up the dog that my step daughter has been caring for, for the past year, for her, as she didn't have a place to keep it. She wanted the large dog to travel 65 miles to and from an appointment in the city, and then I would have to watch for an hour during the appointment. I declined.

    During the 60 mile drive I learned:

    She is not going with a friend to the Marine Ball that she had asked me to buy an evening dress for (to which I said no) she didn't say why that wasn't happening and I didn't ask.

    She told me she had a miscarriage...while on the Norplant implant. I asked her how she knew...and she said she saw an umbiblical cord...I explained that "menstrual discharge can be stringy." (Sorry if this is too graphic) and she informed me that she perceived it to be an umbilical cord and it freaked her out. So she had the implant removed and has not started another form of BC. (Side note...she had not had a missed cycle)

    She asked me to pay the copay to see a dr to get checked for STD as XBF cheated on her, then recently informed her he had tested positive for an STD.

    Has been babysitting for the three little kids, ages 5,6 and 7 and hopes she gets paid tonight. Lost her job a month ago and has not been motivated to find a real job. She watches them from after school until whenever. There is no mom in their lives. And the dad works... And sometimes doesn't come home in the evening...so she is there all night. They have an older brother who is 20 that she is friends with. If they don't pay her she is in a world of hurt.

    She hasn't put any funds in the credit union for over a month, but she has a Planet Fitness membership that gets paid from her account. She is "too busy" to stop by or call. I tried to explain the fees involved when there isn't enough funds to cover payments.

    She told me she wants a tattoo of Tinkerbell on her ankle, just an outline of Tinkerbell. Because her bio mom used to be nicknamed Tinker... And an outline, that is empty will represent her mom. Because she is "empty and not there".

    And in the way of magical thinking she is going to have horses and live on the beach and ride her horses on the beach... (We live in the center of the USA)

    And her cats have fleas and her dads house is now infested with them...because she brought stray kittens home.

    And she wanted me to stop at the end of his driveway because she saw two pit bulls running loose, and she wanted to get out of the car and check them for collars and ID. We were on our way out of town and she was mad that I wouldn't do it. I was worried about her safety...

    Sigh...I wish we could enjoy spending time together... I wish I didn't feel so uptight when she goes off on weird subjects. Or illogical thinking.

    I realize it's a learning curve... And I am trying. I did manage to not push my opinion.... So that's a start!

  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    You did amazing. Now, what do you do for yourself after that stress ball ride? Truth: I rolled my eyes at times...I too at times have heard fantastical tales....then he grows...and we are in a new place.

    Your trying...she is who she is...

    Hugs..you deserve it.
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  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I texted her to see if she got paid... She said she will get paid when the dad gets paid. Uhh, when does he get paid? " I dunno"

    I hate to see her taken advantage of.

  4. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    So much happens in 4 hours! You did great! I think I would have lost my mind by the end of hour 2. So hard to watch them struggle. Yet, if we try to intervene, they will not learn for themselves. My fear, too, is that my daughter will be taken advantage of but at the end of the day, she knows right from wrong. She often just tries the easiest way out of things.

    Sending hugs your way!
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh ksm, just reading the thread, my stomach got all tight. I can only imagine your anxiety. There is no way to "have a real relationship" in a situation like this. I know you love her, but can you create some space and distance---in your own mind---so that you aren't reacting to all of her stuff? Her car-ride revelations and especially her...thinking...about her own life.

    She is a teenager who is struggling. There is no way it's going to make sense to mature adults.

    Stay back as much as you can. Just let it all roll on and let her deal with her own life. That is how she will learn.

    Let us know how you are.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Just looked at her FB page. She shared a meme that said... "I would still adore you with your hands around my neck."


    Yesterday she shared with me that she had a bottle of hard lemonade (alcoholic beverage). Her friend got drunk on harder stuff, but she only had this one drink. Then when I said, you know, you drove your car to the party, and even though you didn't plan o. Driving home til the next day, it's not a good idea, because plans change...and you may need to drive. She was upset because I wasn't proud of her for not drinking until she got drunk! She is 18, the drinking age is 21 for our state.

    She also asked me if I liked Crown Royal...she knows that I have a glass or two of wine a year... Like a special dinner treat. She told me they have a new flavor CR that is vanilla flavored and she only tried a little at the house she babysits at.and it was good. I don't know why she shares all this info. She knows her mom is an alcoholic and a drug addict. She knows how I feel about drinking...esp underage drinking. I tried not to over react, but still said it wasn't a good idea to drink alcohol at the house she babysits at. Even though the older brother that still lives at home gets drunk. She says they are just friends, but I have a feeling it is more than that as she spends most week nights there.


  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    KSM, I can hear your frustration and worry. I think she may have an inkling that she is in over her head but can't quite grasp why or how to get out of it. I believe she shares so much with you so that you will tell her this is ok or not. My thinking is that with her various diagnosis she just can't filter things in a practical manner. Kudos for keeping your calm.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I hated when my son would share all these details - what liquor he had here and there, this new mixed drink no one ever heard of, such and such makes him hung over and this other thing doesn't - What mom wants to know that? Even if they aren't high-risk kids, I don't want to KNOW and when you do, you pretty much have to say something disapproving, which always has the danger of provoking a fight. :( Even after 21, when it was legal and he wasn't driving, I'd have to tell him every once in a while that it's okay to keep this stuff to himself!

    I think you did great.
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Again...the truth is not freeing!!
  10. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    ksm, I feel your pain. The way your daughter "shares" with you is very familar. I have very similar conversations with son that are very very hard to get through. I have learned that if I say anything at all negative or somehow give away that i don't agree with him, the conversation quickly escalates into a fight. He likes to pull me into debates about the government or criticize how my husband and I are slaves to be working for someone else and that he is going to make a million dollars doing it his own way etc. Many times, I think he tells me things as a way to work through things. Yet it often involves risky behavior or rude behavior that keeps me awake worrying at night. The other day, we were having a very nice walk with dog in the woods when I brought up what his plans were for after high school. He said it doesn't matter, he will probably roam the country living in his car, living off the land. And if that doesn't work, he is ok to die. So so difficult to hear him say such things. Lately I have been trying to avoid conversation as much as possible and pay more attention to his actions. He is going to school, has a job, and smoking a lot less weed , apologizing to us from time to time for his actions. I wish I knew what was going on with him. This is all newish behavior and perhaps its from smoking so much.
  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    If he will go to a psychologist...I'd get him to one.

    I only wished we had years ago.
  12. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Yes, he sees a pyschologist every other week. He has been for seeing one off and on for years but it took until a year ago to find someone that he worked well with. He should take medication for his diagnose anxiety/depression but have not been successful with that. I probably confused you when I said "this was newish behavior" He has had a very difficult past couple years. But this rambling, illogical talk is a new behavior. Scares the daylights out of me as I know its not good.
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My youngest Difficult Child does not think logically at all and never has. I don't know if this is him engaging in 'magical' thinking, immaturity, disability, or just trying to manipulate things to fit what he wants. We butt heads over and over again. I adopted the let him ramble and say nothing. That backfired real quick and in a hurry. He took my silence as my agreeing with whatever cockamamie idea he had conjured up.
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I always hated drives with my son. I thought I'd use it as time to have great conversations, but he thought I was trying to give him a "therapy session".

    I always hated to find out how he thinks. Was he raised by a pack of wolves? I don't get it at all. I would try to self sooth thinking he was just doing it to rile me but in the end I really think that WAS his thought process. Certainly not the way others in our family think. Could be the common thread of what makes an otherwise normal child a Difficult Child??
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Rn, i do believe you hit the nail on the head. I hated driving with my kid from an early age. It became torture for both of us. It was my last ditch attempt to get him to understand why he had to behave at school or whatever the crisis of the day was. It never turned out the way I intended for it to go. In later years it was all I could do to not drive off the road to when he went on one of his rants.
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Actually, my kids rants were very sporadic and usually at home. Driving somewhere was actually conducive to decent conversations. Granted, I learned stuff I didn't want to, but it was when I found out who was working, who was homeless again, if one of his friends were in jail, etc. It bothered Jabber quite a lot that he was "out of the loop" a lot of the time. But it wasn't intentional. It really happened mainly because I was willing to give the kid rides here and there and the conversations tended to happen in the car.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son never talked about his friends, because he knew that I wouldn't want them in my house if I knew what they were up to.
  18. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    My son getting his drivers license was a huge blessing because it stopped me from having to drive him places. Car rides were always the worst, especially when I was driving him to therapy. A few years ago, we made the huge decision to send him away to treatment after one particularly bad ride in the car where I got so upset and angry with him, I knew something had to change. Even now that he is way way better, we both avoid being in the car together.
  19. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    I used to think that it was the 'close quarters' in the car that would allow my daughter to say the most bizarre things. I thought she would often rely on the fact that I needed to keep my eyes on the road and focused on traffic before unleashing her unacceptable behaviour. One particular time, I was driving her to a job training session. We were late because she refused to be ready on time and then wanted to eat. She took her Kraft Dinner, bowl and all, in the car with us. Part way through the ride, she had a meltdown about her on/off again boyfriend and next thing I knew, I had the bowl of KD fired at my head. Sadly, I lost my temper, started speeding and ended up with a $200 ticket (the only ticket I have ever received).
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I can relate. When this first started I would drive erratically when my son got me upset. Not wise but I get it.