4 hours with daughter...

[ksm]

Yesterday, when Difficult Child hadn't contacted me I texted her, about things she had wanted my help on. First, she wanted an appointment to be tested for std. Then contact the community college about finishing online application. And finding out if she could change her fitness membership to the lowest priced one...

She finally responded about 3:30pm. She was on her way to babysit... She had even too busy to do any of that.

Oh, did she ask the man when he gets paid? No, she forgot.

KSM

 

[Childofmine]

When they were little I loved the car rides together but as D.C. got older I was a captive audience. I remember one car ride when he went on and on about the merits of hookah. I didn't even know what it was.

Come try it with me Mom. Strawberry margarita is so good. It only costs $10 mom and we can do it together. Come on Mom. You don't inhale so it doesn't hurt you. It's completely safe.

On and on. My head was spinning. I had never heard of it and I didn't know what to believe.

Of course, that was early days. Hookah seems extremely tame now compared with all that came after.

They love to "poke the bear." It's a kind of manipulation. And like a trained rat, i always reacted. Giving him just what he wanted, that negative attention.

He loved the shock value and my naïveté.

It took me a long time, but finally I became an actor. I learned how to defuse it by saying...hmmmm, okay, putting a distracted look on my face, changing the subject, ignoring what he said...okay honey, whatever...you should have seen the look on his face when I first started that...extreme disappointment...which reinforced my new behavior. Once I got that down pretty well...and I had a lot of practice because he ramped up and up and up the more I deflected...he began to stop doing it because he didn't get the reaction he wanted. Then I would come straight out and say: I don't want to talk about that. He would get embarrassed.

Finally it stopped completely. It took a long long time and i backslid many times but finally we unhooked that very sick dance we were doing with each other.

 

[ksm]

I practiced something similar last night with younger Difficult Child...I got a call from the school yesterday that she and other girls skipped seminar period (a once a week class period used to catch up in any classes you need help). I didn't make too big of an ordeal of it. But, when we got home she mentions that a guy wanted to study together. I said, well, he is welcome to come over here, but you skipped class and you aren't going any where today.

Omg. Then she starts...well if you won't let me see my friends, I will just keep skipping classes, and I will get kicked out of school, then I will have to do online school. I said... So, that's your plan? She said... Yes. I said...OK...and left her sitting in the car while I went in the house. She must have set there 30 minutes!

Came in the house, went to her room. I was surprised when she came down to eat, but then went right back up.

I hope today is better.

KSM

 

[ksm]

OH, and to make the skipped class worse, she had someone get a pass and forge it...

Ksm

 

[RN0441]

I just love how they want to be in control of the situation and us. That makes me SO mad!!

Good job diffusing that ladies!!

 

[ksm]

I haven't seen Difficult Child since Monday. I texted her today to see if she got paid anything yet. Nope.

I know she is 18... But she has babysat for two weeks... Instead of looking for a real job, she just keeps waiting to get paid. I don't think she even has gas to go back and forth to the job. I think she is just staying there.

I so wish I could reason with her.

KSM

 

[pasajes4]

KSM, My youngest cannot be reasoned with period. It frustrates everyone that comes in contact with him. It is also why he does not learn from past experiences. Here's the kicker. It is part of his disability ( even without the schizophrenia ). The part of the brain that controls the ability to reason and regulate does not function. She maybe in the same boat. What stinks is in other areas they function normally which works against them, because people expect them to be rational and are left shaking their heads.

 

[ksm]

Latest thing that makes me go hmmmm....

She called on Thursday afternoon and wanted to know if I would buy her a jar of Vaseline with Cocoa Butter ($2) at Walmart. I told her I had been gone from 8am to 4pm with appts and a trip to a town an hour away. That I would not be getting out to go to Walmart that day.

She said she needed it because it was suppose to help her stretch marks. She put on weight the last year or so...and now that she was losing weight, she needed it for stretch marks. Not the best logic, as she has had the marks for a year or more.

Then last night younger daughter asked if she could tell me something about older sister with out me saying anything. I thought it had to do with her the family she is baby sitting for and not getting paid. NOpe. SHe showed me a picture of of DCs tattoo. A large rose on the back of her shoulder. She had wanted the Vaseline to help the tattoo heal...

And no, I still haven't bought her any. I did inform her to say that she has a statement from the county to for tags and taxes on her car. I am guessing it is about $75. But she has no money. And her phone will probably get shut off at the end of next week,and she won't have the $45. Plus car insurance is due in less than a month.

It will all start falling apart soon.

KSM

 

[ksm]

Oh, supposedly the tattoo didn't cost her anything. I think maybe the family that she babysits knows someone who does tattoos, that owed them money...hence, she got the tattoo for free.

SMH...this is not the kind of life I want for her.

KSM

 

[pasajes4]

Or the tattoo is the payment for babysitting

 

[A dad]

When they were little I loved the car rides together but as D.C. got older I was a captive audience. I remember one car ride when he went on and on about the merits of hookah. I didn't even know what it was.

Come try it with me Mom. Strawberry margarita is so good. It only costs $10 mom and we can do it together. Come on Mom. You don't inhale so it doesn't hurt you. It's completely safe.

On and on. My head was spinning. I had never heard of it and I didn't know what to believe.

Of course, that was early days. Hookah seems extremely tame now compared with all that came after.

They love to "poke the bear." It's a kind of manipulation. And like a trained rat, i always reacted. Giving him just what he wanted, that negative attention.

He loved the shock value and my naïveté.

It took me a long time, but finally I became an actor. I learned how to defuse it by saying...hmmmm, okay, putting a distracted look on my face, changing the subject, ignoring what he said...okay honey, whatever...you should have seen the look on his face when I first started that...extreme disappointment...which reinforced my new behavior. Once I got that down pretty well...and I had a lot of practice because he ramped up and up and up the more I deflected...he began to stop doing it because he didn't get the reaction he wanted. Then I would come straight out and say: I don't want to talk about that. He would get embarrassed.

Finally it stopped completely. It took a long long time and i backslid many times but finally we unhooked that very sick dance we were doing with each other.

That is exactly what I did just way faster before they where even teenagers mostly because it was boring. Understandably you can not expect a preteen to have interesting topics of conversations so they stopped trying to have a conversation to me. My conversations from my youngest are mostly him answering. I am okay/fine if I translate from my native language.
My oldest likes to talk a lot about everything not easy to keep up and exausting but I try to listen. It works and it does not depends on the person.

 

[Kalahou]

this is not the kind of life I want for her.

I've come to learn on this forum that the lives of these children are not about what we want for them. Letting go of our expectations and desires for them is a necessary and painful loss for us.
Their own desires,motivation and actions (or lack of) are what will make them who they will be ~ who they want to be.

 

[Kalahou]

As they all learn and grow and perhaps see a better way, some will make changes ~ some will not be able to ~ some may get worse in our eyes. We can only allow them that personal freedom to be who they will be. We do not abandon them, but we must "let go" of the "life we wanted / we dreamed" for them.

 

[ksm]

I know I need to keep letting go... But it will be hard when she comes begging for money and help. She is only 18. But emotionally seems to be about 14...

KSM

 

[pasajes4]

Would you hand over money every time a 14 year old messed up? Would it be reasonable to help with some of it? Will she learn from doing without?

 

[ksm]

She has not learned from previous mistakes. I am willing for her to eat here. I will give her rides to important things. I am not handing out money. Because she has no plan to earn money. Except for the baby sitting job that she doesn't get paid for.

Previously I had decided that she would need to go back to the mental health place in town, apply for benefits. Try to get a case manager back, and the job coach that they offered. The week after graduation she signed off on all help... Then, maybe I would help some financially.

KSM

 

[pasajes4]

Can she start services again? I think it is more than reasonable to do " if than" with her. If you apply for services, than I will help you. I would verify befote I reached in my pocket.