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4 year old acting out-- Need advice
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 603535" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You're not even a step parent. You're dad's girlfriend who he has lived with for a month and are trying to take over and control his life. in my opinion not a good idea. He has issues that are probably inherited and due to his chaotic beginnning (attachment probolems maybe). If Mom drank while pregnant, he may have a form of fetal alcohol affects. He could be on the autism spectrum. Or he could have attachment issues, which is huge.</p><p></p><p>The chaos in a child's early life can mess with them forever and interrupt their developing brain and trying to over-parent him and change his entire life will not help him become social. He needs an evaluation and professional interventions and you need family therapy. You need to know when you are overstepping your boundaries. You are a new adult trying to step in and do it all for a kid who doesn't know, doesn't even probably like you, and should be getting help from his father the most, not you. If Dad won't step up, that tells you a lot about what he may be like to any future kids you and he may have, if in fact the two of you last. Kids like this often break couples up and you're not married yet.</p><p></p><p>Napping alone will not undo his behaviors. You're looking for a quick fix. There is none. We have all figured that out here.</p><p></p><p>It would help us a lot if you told us about his life as an infant and toddler. You seem to think this is all behavioral, due to indulgence. This is wrong thinking. Indeed, if he lived with three different people his first three years and if his mother was gone, he could have attachment problems which cause serious problems, but they are not caused by lax parenting. They are caused by inconsistency in his early years...and you can't get that back and all those typical parenting methods won't help him. </p><p></p><p>If he is on the spectrum on top of it, you are going to have a hard time down the long haul with him. You probably will anyway. Oh yeah. The vegetables. If he is on the spectrum he may have sensory issues which cause him to reject certain textures of food or certain material of clothes or loud noise. You can't parent this out of him either. When I tried to make my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son eat veggies, he threw them up. It was not deliberate. He is 20 now and doing well, but he still won't eat vegetables.</p><p></p><p>Where is his father??? You never mention what HE does? Why do you think different parenting will straighten him out? For whatever reason, he is differently wired and kids like this don't respond to overly strict parenting, reasoning, charts, time outs, and especially not spanking. Hope you aren't doing that...remember, legally he is not your child. And in his heart he is not your child either. </p><p></p><p>An evaluation for the little guy by a neuropsychologist or a group of professionals from a university hospital would help a lot. So would therapy for all three of you. You need to know your own boundaries too. You don't seem to think very highly of this child, but he had a rotten life and those first three years are critical. And, yes, Dad is a part of those first three years when the child was bounced around. But, no, you alone can not fix him or make him socialize better by forcing him to go outside. He may go outside. He may even try to play...or he may be perfectly happy alone. If he has no imagination, which is common in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids (if he IS one), he may decide to throw stones out of boredom. Or he may become the neighborhood bully because he doesn't KNOW how to socialize and he can't learn without the interventions and help I mentioned. </p><p></p><p>You need to know more about him and in my opinion you need to give him time to get used to you before you start throwing tons of rules at him. If he doesn't like you, he isn't going to try to please you. And pleasing you may be very hard for him even if he does get to like you and even if he wants to. I don't think trying to re-make this child is going to work or is a good idea. You need professional help.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can get Dad on here. It would be helpful to know more about his place in his son's life and about his son's early years from Dad's memory.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to our corner of the world and I hope you continue to post <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 603535, member: 1550"] You're not even a step parent. You're dad's girlfriend who he has lived with for a month and are trying to take over and control his life. in my opinion not a good idea. He has issues that are probably inherited and due to his chaotic beginnning (attachment probolems maybe). If Mom drank while pregnant, he may have a form of fetal alcohol affects. He could be on the autism spectrum. Or he could have attachment issues, which is huge. The chaos in a child's early life can mess with them forever and interrupt their developing brain and trying to over-parent him and change his entire life will not help him become social. He needs an evaluation and professional interventions and you need family therapy. You need to know when you are overstepping your boundaries. You are a new adult trying to step in and do it all for a kid who doesn't know, doesn't even probably like you, and should be getting help from his father the most, not you. If Dad won't step up, that tells you a lot about what he may be like to any future kids you and he may have, if in fact the two of you last. Kids like this often break couples up and you're not married yet. Napping alone will not undo his behaviors. You're looking for a quick fix. There is none. We have all figured that out here. It would help us a lot if you told us about his life as an infant and toddler. You seem to think this is all behavioral, due to indulgence. This is wrong thinking. Indeed, if he lived with three different people his first three years and if his mother was gone, he could have attachment problems which cause serious problems, but they are not caused by lax parenting. They are caused by inconsistency in his early years...and you can't get that back and all those typical parenting methods won't help him. If he is on the spectrum on top of it, you are going to have a hard time down the long haul with him. You probably will anyway. Oh yeah. The vegetables. If he is on the spectrum he may have sensory issues which cause him to reject certain textures of food or certain material of clothes or loud noise. You can't parent this out of him either. When I tried to make my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son eat veggies, he threw them up. It was not deliberate. He is 20 now and doing well, but he still won't eat vegetables. Where is his father??? You never mention what HE does? Why do you think different parenting will straighten him out? For whatever reason, he is differently wired and kids like this don't respond to overly strict parenting, reasoning, charts, time outs, and especially not spanking. Hope you aren't doing that...remember, legally he is not your child. And in his heart he is not your child either. An evaluation for the little guy by a neuropsychologist or a group of professionals from a university hospital would help a lot. So would therapy for all three of you. You need to know your own boundaries too. You don't seem to think very highly of this child, but he had a rotten life and those first three years are critical. And, yes, Dad is a part of those first three years when the child was bounced around. But, no, you alone can not fix him or make him socialize better by forcing him to go outside. He may go outside. He may even try to play...or he may be perfectly happy alone. If he has no imagination, which is common in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids (if he IS one), he may decide to throw stones out of boredom. Or he may become the neighborhood bully because he doesn't KNOW how to socialize and he can't learn without the interventions and help I mentioned. You need to know more about him and in my opinion you need to give him time to get used to you before you start throwing tons of rules at him. If he doesn't like you, he isn't going to try to please you. And pleasing you may be very hard for him even if he does get to like you and even if he wants to. I don't think trying to re-make this child is going to work or is a good idea. You need professional help. I hope you can get Dad on here. It would be helpful to know more about his place in his son's life and about his son's early years from Dad's memory. Welcome to our corner of the world and I hope you continue to post :) [/QUOTE]
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