Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    There are so many good things in you, about you, around you, and ahead of you, that you are so unaware of - but

    There are so many bad things about your past that you need to get rid of, be released from, deal with, and put behind you - before you can have them.

    They're right there in front of you -

    Someone once told me - and now I'll tell you because I used to think that I had to beat myself up everyday to prove how truly sorry I was in asking for forgiveness. This. is. a. lie.
    Fact is? Forgiveness is given 100%, when you ask for it - just once. ONCE.
    You don't have to continue to beat yourself up and ask for forgiveness daily- it's a once and done deal. Ask once? It's done. You don't ever have to ask again.

    My point is this - YOU have beaten yourself up for a long, long time, and are continuing to do so. There is no joy for anyone in this behavior. Whatever you did? It's done. You're sorry? You say "I'm sorry, please forgive me?" Say it once - and let it go. It's that easy - STOP wasting the wonderful life you have -and get out there and live it. You weren't put on this earth to be miserable - you were put here for a reason, and it was NOT to be treated like dirt. NOR was it to treat yourself like dirt.

    You're overweight? WELL - who can do anything about that? YOU. I've lost 140 lbs in the last 1 1/2 years. I was battered and abused - I got out, got therapy and won't EVER be treated like that AGAIN - EVER. I had a son that had behaviors so outrageous - I just don't even have time to go into it - I detached, tough loved and it's not easy - but I took every parenting class, read every book and got proactive on therapy - for me AND him. WHAT a difference in how I reacted to him...(if my kid said I have a "bone" I had an answer for it. BELIEVE ME - and I didn't just sit there - HE had a consequence too. I married Satan - I got a divorce.

    I want you to see that YOU HAVE WORTH - YOU DO NOT have to live for your mistakes - OVER, DONE, FINI! You are NOT 20 years ago - YOU ARE SO - present tense - and smart, and kind, and artistic, and loving, and wonderful, and intuitive - and HERE - RIGHT HERE - not there (points to past).

    I was 298 lbs sept of 2010 - size 24 pants....I'm now 160 lbs size 6-7. And I'm HOT.....(ask someone here - I have sexy boots too) Even at 298 lbs I was hot. (No kidding - all that clothing - girl ------whooo can't help but be hot)

    In all seriousness - YOU HAVE FRIENDS - HERE - I have an easy new way of life - it's pretty easy - I'll help - Whatever it takes - But you can't keep putting yourself DOWN.

    there is a huge difference between self-confidence (which you have) and self esteem (which you have NONE of). One you get by surviving and the other you get by going to therapy and talking through issues that tear your life apart - LIKE OUR KIDS and your past.....and men - (like your past) and the reasons you went for men older than you (there are MULTIPLE REASONS) and you don't know all the answers - so you need help to peel the layers back and find yourself and find out who 4timmy is.

    There are plenty of places that will take you nearly free and help you with therapy and while you work on the mental part - and the physical part? It all comes together and you start feeling better about YOU and guess what happens then? YOU START feeling like a WARRIOR parent and then your son starts to get the idea - MOMMA is running the house and you get a little less friction from him and HE starts pulling HIS life together because he sees YOU getting yours together.

    The more I got MYSELF together? The more Dude got himself together - in certain areas - and in others the harder he fought me but the therapist said it was BECAUSE he saw me getting my mess together - and that was a GOOD thing.

    I learned boundaries, how to say NO to babysitting 15 kids, or buying 22 boxes of girlscout cookies, or that wrapping paper from kids going door to door, or how to tell the guys out in front of the quick-stop selling raffle tickets to bug off in a nice way.....you should see me with the people coming to my door selling stuff - yeah - Im awesome. - I'm better than the goat in the Aflack commercail - nah nah nah...

    I read your response in the other post and it just killed me that you were so hard on yourself - SO....I wanted to let you know that someone DID see you. And I DO care. I do hear you......and I wanted you to know that I took it seriously.

    You CAN be forgiven - and were the first time you asked - THAT's important for you to know. So with that in mind - Get on with the rest of it - and stop beating yourself up, lets work on the fat thing huh? It's not as hard as you think it is - You're probably gonna need a check up - I'd bet a dozen dollars you're pre-diabetic and need some medications help. other than that - a food change - eating more ---and limited exercise - and you're on your way to a better you.

    Whatta ya say kiddo? Ready to take life by the horns and flip the Bull?

    Let me know -
    Hugs & Love
  2. 4timmy

    4timmy New Member

    Star, I can't even put into words how much I needed this. If you could have seen my face when I started to read in disbelief that with just a few posts on this board how someone could pick up on so much about me and then actually care enough to post what you did.

    I think what hit me most is the explanation of the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. Five years ago I flipped that bull and lost over 40 pounds. I was HOT too!! But that was just it. I only worked on the outside and not on the inside and therefore gained it all back and more. I need to fix me for the right reasons. I truly believe once that's accomplished, everything else will fall into place.

    Thanks for the reality check. I'm gonna start the hunt for a good psychiatrist to talk to.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think sometimes when we go through the weirdest times in our lives, the hardest times in our lives - the most hurtful times in our lives? There is most definitely a phase where we are to sit for whatever time we need and have 'a moment' for ourselves, or as others would call it a pity party. Recently I had the most delightful exchange on a PM with another member who had gone through a horrific tragedy - yet never explained the end result; only sent a beautiful card, with a stunning picture and verse. I loved it so much that I decided to frame it and hang it on my wall before I ever told her. Later? I would find out that the picture was of her house - after it burned. I just sat there after reading that and thought - INCREDIBLE - just incredible. Here was a person who had taken a tragic incident, and saw something different, something beautiful through charred remains - and not only kept a picture, but added a beautiful sentiment to it. I think it hit me really hard and special because you see - while I've been given the opportunity to have a great many adversities in my own life - I lost my house to fire twice, yet NEVER thought to see the beauty in it the way she did. That taught me an extra lesson that day - not only are our adversities constantly shaping our lives to help ourselves and others, but there can be smaller things inside those adversities we should keep our eyes open to - not just the big picture.

    When I saw your post? Ahhh, (exhale) I am kind of one of those people that believes you meet people and people meet you for a reason. I'm not much on chance. So this one morning I'm flipping through channels and I have a lot of skeletons in the brain still rolling around, and I've been through therapy, and I've dealt with a lot of stuff, and I've done the overcome your fears as much as I can - because a lot of what I went through with my ex was so horrible I still can't bring it to the surface. So there I am and for sake of the board and not to get into a religious topic I'll just say I am a believer, but I'm not a roller. Then this lady was walking back and forth on the stage right? Talking about forgiveness. So of course I stop, I mean who doesn't want to know about being forgiven? Then she said something I had never heard in all the years we went Sunday AM, Sunday night, Wednesday and every other day Mom wanted to. She said "Lots of people have the wrong idea about being forgiven. They seem to think that if they constantly for the rest of their lives ask to be forgiven or nearly martyr themselves out over and over and over for the same thing? This makes their wrong doing better, or more forgiven or seem like they are really really sorry. Then she went on to say that what it does? Is waste your life, and it's not necessary. You ask once - and you are forgiven, and then go on with your life. That's it. (pointing up) Does NOT want you to remain miserable and go over whatever you did constantly - ask, be forgiven - go on. So there I sat thinking - WOW - how many things did I do as a teenager that I'm still brining up in my life NOW that I'm sorry for STILL? That are wreaking havoc in my day to day now? LOTS.

    Anyway when I read your post? I saw all the past things that you seems so sorry for STILL. It just seemed like you are still punishing yourself for all that stuff. Don't have to go into detail, you said it, lived it, posted it. I read it, and just felt so sad for you. Matter of fact if I was there - and I do have relatives in Ohio and am trying to MOVE back - so be warned.....I would have met you somewhere and said OKAY kid - lookey here.....past is exactly that - past. GONE, done. AND like you ---I too made some whoppers..Oh my goodness - At least you married a man that was married...(insert sheesh sound) IIIIIIIII married Satan. No joke the man I am sure had the horns and tail removed just before the nuptials. HOWEVER.....in therapy you learn to find the silver lining - which is....(and don't laugh too loud because you got a difficult child) your son. (okay I heard that snort) - Maybe it was mine. Point is - despite the behaviors which - you probably think are a punishment from (points up) they aren't. And I could tell you things that would make you literally fall on the floor laughing - no seriously - that I was SURE was a punishment from(points up) for whatever I did this life, last life (I mean had to be I wasn't such a bad person in this one) even throwing holy water on my kid and I'm not Catholic! --- Yeah that was a stunner - he actually shut up for 5 minutes. (told you he was really really misbehaved) oy.

    But NOW? I don't look at any of it as a punishment or a curse, or anything like that - even the fires. (not from hell silly - the house fires) lol. Since my house has burned? I've been able to KNOW exactly what to help someone with when their house burns. How to help them get organized, where to go for help, what to ask for. HOW long to expect things to take. It's been invaluable to those burnt out. Since having a kid like ours? I've been able to help others by guiding them to services and therapy, and books - and you know if they take the help? Fine. As far as battery and domestic violence? Yeah well - I'm right between someone if they even think about raising a hand to anyone - man, woman or child - even pet. I've talked to lots of people and helped in those situations and rescued hundreds of pets. And as far as being fat? Well - that one took a long time too, but after being nearly 300 lbs? WOW - Gave me a whole new perspective on health and issues with clothing (do you know I now can't wear ANYTHING that has flowers or sailor motif? I mean seriously - you're that big - you really want to look cruise shippy?) GAW! At size 22 going to 24 - it's awful and it gave me a complete new respect for heavy people - I see lots and lots of things differently. I'm not angry anymore either - I DID something about it.

    So that's what I saw between the lines in YOU.....how? been there done that ........and the hurt is overwhelming. I bet.....you are a stunner. I bet.....you are overworked, tired, at your wits end with your kid. I BET.......you love your husband but haven't had time alone with him in years. I bet you feel like no one understands your problems and you are so tired of complaining about it all you don't even talk about it much because your'e so tired of hearing your own voice - you've just gotten nearly quiet about everything, and that's why your kid is running all over you.

    Time to take back your life - take back your self respect, self -esteem - SELF CONTROL -

    Set a goal - and not a month, or three or six - Try a year from VALENTINES DAY --------the love day. FEB 14, 2012......IS 4timmy's DAY!!!!!!

    The new way of eating is simple too - and belive me - I am so lazy - I hate to exercise - so I didn't. This way of eating helps you just drop pounds - and you feel better - and when you feel better? You just move more.....How's 2lbs a week sound to ya? It's about (roughly) a pant size a month. After about 100 lbs - it slows down UNLESS you exercise - (which I have not) but you will still loose you just have to change how you eat - which (okay get this) IS MORE - and you HAVE to stick to it - or it won't work. There are definite RULES -

    Eat breakfast religiously -
    Eat lunch religously
    Eat dinner religously
    Have a snack (100 calories at 10: am)
    Have a snack (100 calories at 3: pm)

    NOTHING AT ANYTIME more than 10 grams of sugar EVER! NEVER!


    PORTIONS THE SIZE of the PALM OF YOUR HAND (I threw in my thumb because - snort - it's part of my palm right)



    You can HAVE anything you want - but watch your portions - yes fried foods too - but watch your portions.

    TRY SWITCHING TO SUGAR FREE desserts - candy, pudding, jello it's 10 calories, 100 calorie cookies, baked chips, 100 calorie snacks.



    45 calorie a slice bread - low cal wheat

    DIET SODAS OR CRYSTAL LITE, and at least 6 bottles of water a day! Lipton diet green tea is yummy too - but you HAVE to have water to flush out the fat that you are loosing! other wise it stays...so flush it out, by the way ----you will tinkle a lot. GOOD -

    WEIGHTWATCHERS AND LEAN CUISINE frozen dinners for lunch are awesome - can have for dinner too -

    Lots of fruit for snack is wonderful! Veggies and Dips are great too - watch your portion size

    On this eating regime - DO NOT WORRY ABOUT LOW FAT, LOW CARB - most low fat lifestyles replace with sugar. (nice huh?)

    Most WEIGHT WATCHERS desserts? LOTS OF SUGAR - like 22 grams per serving. NICE - no wonder people gain it back.

    SLIM FAST? ........ever check to see how much sugar is in 1 can of slim fast? NICE -----SLIM TO NO chance you'll loose weight unless you exercise until you drop.

    As far as exercise? Well - You do have a kid that needs exercise - Make it a rule to take him to a park one day, then 2 days and then 3 days as this progresses - try to play tennis even if it's for 10 minutes - try. Goodwills sell tennis raquets - or just walk around the park while he does the jungle gym. Find a hiking trail and just walk with him - ask him how his day was. Let him run and burn off energy - see how many times he can run ahead and run back to you and you TIME him - ADHDers LOVE this. (get it -?)

    Also - if you go to the grocery store or stores? PARK AS FAR AWAY as you can! Not as close as you can. As you do this - Thank God you have legs, and can walk. Tell yourself as you walk in that you are SO thankful you don't have to park in a blue spot. Yup - you'll be winded, yup your cheeks will be rosy - and YUP - you will be tired...(have you gone to the doctor yet and had that Glucose tolerance test I told you to get?) You need it....because if you are borderline diabetic - they may give you something like Metformin - for sugar regulation and THAT is an appetite supressant and it WILL help ----

    BUT most of all - DO NOT CHEAT.....don't tell yourself....It's 7:10 - It's 7:30 - I mean if you need to adjust ? Adjust - but girl - who are you cheating if you cheat? Uh huh.

    Trust me - You want proof? I got proof......somewhere - I got a picture of my fat girl pants - and they are huge. YOU CAN DO THIS.

    And once you start on the head - the body will WANT to get in shape.......

    YOU DESERVE THIS - YOU ARE WONDERFUL and BRILLIANT - AND A FANTASTIC MOM --------and this is all GOING to come together for you !

    AND ------above all else -

    (the kid can have it - YOU DO NOT NEED IT)
    And yes sugar free stuff is a little more expensive - but once you get the whole thing switched over? NOT REALLY just seems like it to begin with)

    And I have a whole lot of things that we do just as cheaply now at Walmart -

    Did you know butter has ??? many calories per tsp? Go look it will FLOOR you - margarine too....like 70...makes you stop lobbing it on in a hurry.

    OH and the first time you come out in a pair of jeans and get a wolf whistle from your hubby?
    ALL WORTH IT.......you can't bottle that feeling and buy it anywhere.

    and you have a ton of support here.

    I am proud of you!
    Hugs & Love
  4. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Star that was beautiful. I rest alot easier knowing you and the rest of the gang are here when I need you. And I am here for all of you too !
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    {{hugs}} for Star and Timmy. I love this board!
  6. 4timmy

    4timmy New Member

    Hey I think I know who you were watching and I used to watch her ALL the time. So I know I'm forgiven by (pointing up), so why can't I get over it and move on? I hope therapy will teach me this. Ohhhh and the times my difficult child would look at me like I was crazy when I tried to exercise his demons........LOL

    Oh and the other part where you say "I bet.....you are a stunner. I bet.....you are overworked, tired, at your wits end with your kid. I BET.......you love your husband but haven't had time alone with him in years. I bet you feel like no one understands your problems and you are so tired of complaining about it all you don't even talk about it much because your'e so tired of hearing your own voice - you've just gotten nearly quiet about everything, and that's why your kid is running all over you."

    BINGO... I'm surprised my husband hasn't up and left. But he hasn't. He's knows all about me and my past and I believe truly loves me and wants me to get well and be healthy. He gets frustrated though and I don't blame him. We are both very, very, tired and are very concerned about what our difficult child's future holds for him. I must prepare for battle and get myself together so we can prevail.

    I will be on and off of here as I get time and try to post updates. I'll try to help others as much as I can too. I tend to trail off of here and not come back for months and I need to not do that.

    Until the next time......
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Do more.........than think about this. Believe in yourself at least 1/2......ONE HALF as much as I truly do...and this will be so easy for you - you will come back - with a brand new plan. I'm always here. If I fade away - post and someone will find me, I promise.

    As far as the why can't I get over it and move on? Actually that one isn't hard. When was the last time you actually GAVE yourself permission to mess up? We're all so worried about getting it right, doing it the best, being as close to perfect as we can....that we completely loose sight of the fact that it is very much okay to not get it right all the time, and when we don't? It's absolutely okay to ask ourselves for forgiveness as well as (points up). Be at peace enough with yourself to say - It's okay today if I mess up, because if I do? I will do my best to do better tomorrow.

    Thomas Edison said he didn't fail (I forget exactly the number but lets use 499) times in creating the filament for the lightbulb - he found 499 ways how not to make a lightbulb filament. I try to think like that when I look back on lots of things in my life now that I beat myself up over. The other thing that helped me tremendously regarding my life and how I raised my son was giving up the word SHOULD. More to the point the words "I should have"

    If I say I should have raised my son better. I'm really cheating myself. It's not fair to say that because I did the best job I could do at the time with the knowlede I had. I certainly didn't look at my son and say I should have raised you worse than I did. I should have left you out on the streets, I should have let you do drugs, I should have given you alcohol, I should have allowed you to be disrespectful and curse and swear at adults. No, I didn't do that. So by saying I should have - I cheat myself. I did what i did at that time because I was making the best choices I could.

    After it was explained to me like that? I eliminated I SHOULD have - from every day language and started telling myself - I did. I did the best I knew how to do. When I felt I did not do the best I knew how to do? I sought help. I got support. I found resources. Even then? That was doing the best I could do.

    It's all in perception. Even when you made choices as a child - You made the best choices you thought you could make, because you didn't know any better. Time to forgive yourself and move on.

    I hope you come back often - You're an awesome person, and when you do pull it all together? I'll be here.....still trying to pull me altogether too. It's a goal of mine too!

  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Star, can we drag that into Steely's thread, too?