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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="Martie" data-source="post: 15615" data-attributes="member: 284"><p>I agree with HMHH. I have an ex-difficult child who spent all HIS time as a child trying to defeat b-mod until it became a very un-funny game. I really believe that his ODD came from his need to counter-control all the b-mod at school.</p><p></p><p>I am analytically oriented and chose his therapists based on those beliefs. However, that choice doesn't help you get from point A to point B with an oppositional kid on a day-to-day basis at home. That is why I was so happy to find Ross Greene shortly after the first edition of his book was published. He outlined a home method that worked with a kid who could not LET others control him and was compatible with intrapsychic therapy.</p><p></p><p>The problem with b-mod with depressed kids (boys especially) is that they take what Allan started pointing out about reinforcers and and take it to the inversed max. They say in effect--"take your reinforcers and put them where where the sun don't shine." Unfortunately, then they do self-destructive and self-punitive things in a twisted sort of "getting even" with the punisher. </p><p></p><p>Years ago, there were many discussions on these boards, some heated, about the relative merits of Riley/Barkley vs Greene. It was intuitively obvious to me that if I did a "full Riley" on my ex-difficult child, he would be in the ER shortly due to suicidal thoughts/gestures or attempts. He wasn't being manipulative--being punished by having things taken away made him feel so badly about himself he wanted to die. This is clearly not a productive strategy for a kid who feels this way.</p><p></p><p>It's not that I am permissive--I'm not and I think that many parents of young, currently easy child, children are so permissive and/or disengaged, that they will have problems when their children are adolescents.</p><p></p><p>So I hope that everyone will realize that there are many styles of parenting and many kids who do not respond as the authors of books intended. Greene's techniques greatly reduced exgfg's ODDness. He has no diagnosis's at all now although, of course, he remains biologically at risk for depressive relapse. It seems that finding the right match for the kid's needs and the parent's style is really what makes a positive difference.</p><p></p><p>Martie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Martie, post: 15615, member: 284"] I agree with HMHH. I have an ex-difficult child who spent all HIS time as a child trying to defeat b-mod until it became a very un-funny game. I really believe that his ODD came from his need to counter-control all the b-mod at school. I am analytically oriented and chose his therapists based on those beliefs. However, that choice doesn't help you get from point A to point B with an oppositional kid on a day-to-day basis at home. That is why I was so happy to find Ross Greene shortly after the first edition of his book was published. He outlined a home method that worked with a kid who could not LET others control him and was compatible with intrapsychic therapy. The problem with b-mod with depressed kids (boys especially) is that they take what Allan started pointing out about reinforcers and and take it to the inversed max. They say in effect--"take your reinforcers and put them where where the sun don't shine." Unfortunately, then they do self-destructive and self-punitive things in a twisted sort of "getting even" with the punisher. Years ago, there were many discussions on these boards, some heated, about the relative merits of Riley/Barkley vs Greene. It was intuitively obvious to me that if I did a "full Riley" on my ex-difficult child, he would be in the ER shortly due to suicidal thoughts/gestures or attempts. He wasn't being manipulative--being punished by having things taken away made him feel so badly about himself he wanted to die. This is clearly not a productive strategy for a kid who feels this way. It's not that I am permissive--I'm not and I think that many parents of young, currently easy child, children are so permissive and/or disengaged, that they will have problems when their children are adolescents. So I hope that everyone will realize that there are many styles of parenting and many kids who do not respond as the authors of books intended. Greene's techniques greatly reduced exgfg's ODDness. He has no diagnosis's at all now although, of course, he remains biologically at risk for depressive relapse. It seems that finding the right match for the kid's needs and the parent's style is really what makes a positive difference. Martie [/QUOTE]
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