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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 15628" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm finally getting the time and energy to get to this thread - I knew it would require more concentration than I've been able to spare lately!</p><p></p><p>I must admit, I don't fully agree with withholding praise where it's appropriate. I can't change what I do that I have found that works. I WILL share this with easy child 2/difficult child 2 in her new role as child care student ; let her have as much information and resources as possible so she can draw her own conclusions.</p><p></p><p>My take on all this - we need, in all our dealings with our children, to use HONESTY. We can bite our tongues at times instead of falling into a shrieking rage which will do no good at all ("WHY did you cut your hair with the nail scissors!??!? I don't care if your best friend Stephanie turned up at school with a new haircut which everybody says looks lovely; THEY'RE disgustingly rich, HER mother took her to the hairdresser to the stars, do you have any idea how much that man charges??!? And you somehow thought that you, at four years old and with NO training as well as no decent fine motor skills, thought you could do a comparable job on YOUR hair, in the dark inside the wardrobe??!?"). Sometimes we need to not talk. Like the time easy child 2/difficult child 2 "did her own make-up" using Permanent Markers.</p><p></p><p>Other times, we need to say something. Without some initial encouragement, some kids will not persist. And I can't see how some praise will make children MORE hesitant. I've found it does the opposite. I often coach kids 1:1 on subjects they are doing poorly in. These kids have poor self-esteem and a hunched look that screams, "I've been told I'm no good at this." I start them off on some gentle exercises and encourage every time they get it right. I try and match what I say to them, to what I feel they need to hear (keeping it honest, always). And what do I see? Increasing confidence in reaching for the answer, because they are learning that I will not think badly of them if they get it wrong. I will, instead, help them find the right answer without criticism. "Wow! You just solved a really tricky maths problem, you've learnt so much!" I don't see anything wrong with credit where credit is due.</p><p></p><p>HOWEVER - I see a LOT wrong with "good job!" where the job was mediocre. A lot of kids, especially ones like mine, it seems, do not respond well to 'blanket praise'. difficult child 3 is actually very scathing about what he considers inappropriate praise. There have been times when I've praised him and he's accused me of exaggerating the effort. "Come on, Mum, it wasn't THAT great!" But if I think it was, I'll tell him so, and why. If he's caught me out, I will admit it and then say, "I just wanted to encourage you. But I can see I don't need to do that." And maybe make light of it.</p><p>The recent work that my kids were involved in over the holidays, with the film shoot - the producers hired a Special Education worker trained in autism to work with the kids, as a support and to help resolve any stress the kids were having. At one stage she took difficult child 3 outside for a break when he seemed to be getting over-anxious. And all the time, when she spoke to the kids (including quite a number who are well into adulthood, and even the 'normal' siblings) her tone of voice was patronising. It's all I can call it. She was a lovely lady, but even talking to us parents she sounded false. And the kids picked up on it. They would rehearse the scene, she would say, "That was GREAT!" in slow, exaggerated tones with big hand gestures, and the kids would mumble, "yeah, whatever..." and difficult child 3 would say, "What do you mean, it was great? We made all sorts of mistakes!" easy child 2/difficult child 2 came up to me quietly soon after she began working with the kids and said, "Is she for real?"</p><p>And I think this is endemic to the species ("Special Education teacher trained in autism") because difficult child 3's drama class has one of these denizens whose job is to greet the kids on arrival, make sure we sign the book and to tell us any information we need about meetings, etc. And she greets the kids with the same, pseudo-jolly levity that has me cringing. "My, Adam! How you've grown! I love your shirt - did Mummy buy it?" Adam is about 20, works at a local supermarket. it's not so much the words, it's HOW it's said - the jolly falseness of it all. And my kids really react badly to it.</p><p></p><p>When people praise using THAT tone of voice, then it's perceived, especially by a lot of Aspies and autistic kids, to be false. These kids are constantly studying human behaviour and are extremely sensitive about honesty and following rules. While I have found praise works, I have to ration it carefully and use it wisely.</p><p></p><p>I strongly believe that under those conditions of use, praise is one of the best things we can do for our children.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 15628, member: 1991"] I'm finally getting the time and energy to get to this thread - I knew it would require more concentration than I've been able to spare lately! I must admit, I don't fully agree with withholding praise where it's appropriate. I can't change what I do that I have found that works. I WILL share this with easy child 2/difficult child 2 in her new role as child care student ; let her have as much information and resources as possible so she can draw her own conclusions. My take on all this - we need, in all our dealings with our children, to use HONESTY. We can bite our tongues at times instead of falling into a shrieking rage which will do no good at all ("WHY did you cut your hair with the nail scissors!??!? I don't care if your best friend Stephanie turned up at school with a new haircut which everybody says looks lovely; THEY'RE disgustingly rich, HER mother took her to the hairdresser to the stars, do you have any idea how much that man charges??!? And you somehow thought that you, at four years old and with NO training as well as no decent fine motor skills, thought you could do a comparable job on YOUR hair, in the dark inside the wardrobe??!?"). Sometimes we need to not talk. Like the time easy child 2/difficult child 2 "did her own make-up" using Permanent Markers. Other times, we need to say something. Without some initial encouragement, some kids will not persist. And I can't see how some praise will make children MORE hesitant. I've found it does the opposite. I often coach kids 1:1 on subjects they are doing poorly in. These kids have poor self-esteem and a hunched look that screams, "I've been told I'm no good at this." I start them off on some gentle exercises and encourage every time they get it right. I try and match what I say to them, to what I feel they need to hear (keeping it honest, always). And what do I see? Increasing confidence in reaching for the answer, because they are learning that I will not think badly of them if they get it wrong. I will, instead, help them find the right answer without criticism. "Wow! You just solved a really tricky maths problem, you've learnt so much!" I don't see anything wrong with credit where credit is due. HOWEVER - I see a LOT wrong with "good job!" where the job was mediocre. A lot of kids, especially ones like mine, it seems, do not respond well to 'blanket praise'. difficult child 3 is actually very scathing about what he considers inappropriate praise. There have been times when I've praised him and he's accused me of exaggerating the effort. "Come on, Mum, it wasn't THAT great!" But if I think it was, I'll tell him so, and why. If he's caught me out, I will admit it and then say, "I just wanted to encourage you. But I can see I don't need to do that." And maybe make light of it. The recent work that my kids were involved in over the holidays, with the film shoot - the producers hired a Special Education worker trained in autism to work with the kids, as a support and to help resolve any stress the kids were having. At one stage she took difficult child 3 outside for a break when he seemed to be getting over-anxious. And all the time, when she spoke to the kids (including quite a number who are well into adulthood, and even the 'normal' siblings) her tone of voice was patronising. It's all I can call it. She was a lovely lady, but even talking to us parents she sounded false. And the kids picked up on it. They would rehearse the scene, she would say, "That was GREAT!" in slow, exaggerated tones with big hand gestures, and the kids would mumble, "yeah, whatever..." and difficult child 3 would say, "What do you mean, it was great? We made all sorts of mistakes!" easy child 2/difficult child 2 came up to me quietly soon after she began working with the kids and said, "Is she for real?" And I think this is endemic to the species ("Special Education teacher trained in autism") because difficult child 3's drama class has one of these denizens whose job is to greet the kids on arrival, make sure we sign the book and to tell us any information we need about meetings, etc. And she greets the kids with the same, pseudo-jolly levity that has me cringing. "My, Adam! How you've grown! I love your shirt - did Mummy buy it?" Adam is about 20, works at a local supermarket. it's not so much the words, it's HOW it's said - the jolly falseness of it all. And my kids really react badly to it. When people praise using THAT tone of voice, then it's perceived, especially by a lot of Aspies and autistic kids, to be false. These kids are constantly studying human behaviour and are extremely sensitive about honesty and following rules. While I have found praise works, I have to ration it carefully and use it wisely. I strongly believe that under those conditions of use, praise is one of the best things we can do for our children. Marg [/QUOTE]
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