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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 15631" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p>Often when parenting a difficult child we are so concerned with putting out fires, making our homes functional that we lose the bigger picture of ' parenting'. Being very passionate about Collaborative problem solving approach - Ross Greene - The explosive child, Edward de Bono - Teach your child how to think , The Myrna Shure series - Raising a thinking child etc , the book Unconditional parenting - moving away from Rewards and punishments to love and reason helped complete and round off the paradigm shift that the Explosive child started for me.</p><p>In his foreword Kohn asks parents - what are your long term objectives for your children ? what word or phrase comes to your mind to describe how you would like them to turn out , what would you want them to be once they are grown ? Most parents said that they wanted their kids to be happy, balanced independent, fulfilled, thoughtful , loving , caring etc. Kohn then argues that interactions with children that evoke discussion, examination and reflection of who they are and their impact on others will help with these goals. Rewards and punishments may in the short-term produce compliance but engraves on the kid's mind the question , what's in it for me , what will I get if I do this , what will be done to me if I do this. Parenting is not just getting behavior , doing kind acts but rather becoming a kind person.</p><p></p><p>from an interview with Alfie Kohn</p><p>I do an exercise with teachers or parents in which I ask them a simple question: What do you want your kids to be like long after they've left you and left school? And everywhere people say: We want our kids to be caring, compassionate, creative, curious, lifelong learners, responsible decision-makers, good communicators, and so on. So then the question becomes: Can we best pursue these goals by using the same teacher-centered traditional model under which we were taught? You say you want kids to be caring and responsible, and yet you're using rewards and consequences that undermine a sense of responsibility and get kids hooked on trying to avoid the punishment and get the reward. The research clearly shows that kids who are rewarded or praised are less generous than their peers. It shows that kids raised in an environment of clear black-and-white rules, which they are expected to obey on pain of punitive consequence, are less likely to become ethically sophisticated. And if we're talking about the academic domain, the research shows that schools using traditional grading produce kids for whom three things are true: 1) they think less critically about the issues in front of them; 2) they prefer easier tasks if given the choice and will go out of their way to avoid challenge; and 3) they're less interested in learning.</p><p></p><p>For me, it's all about understanding the difference between reasonable, ambitious goals for kids and the worn out, illegitimate practices of teaching (which are now being made worse in the name of raising standards).</p><p></p><p></p><p>Kathy</p><p>self esteem</p><p>Alfie Kohn gave me some great answers about praise and self esteem. Often ODD kids don't have a problem of self esteem and ego. Research suggests that low self esteem is negative for a peson but high self esteem does not neccessary lead to positive or prosocial behavior . It depends on the ' self ' of the self esteem , how self centered the kid is. Boys that have high self esteem are often involved in risky sexual behavior , usually girls with low self esteem are involved in risky sexual behavior Praise is often interpreted as an attempt to control and manipulate one and ODD kids pick this up very quickly . Kohn would argue that strategies used by Rosemond teach kids to ask what's in it for me</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 15631, member: 10"] Hi, Often when parenting a difficult child we are so concerned with putting out fires, making our homes functional that we lose the bigger picture of ' parenting'. Being very passionate about Collaborative problem solving approach - Ross Greene - The explosive child, Edward de Bono - Teach your child how to think , The Myrna Shure series - Raising a thinking child etc , the book Unconditional parenting - moving away from Rewards and punishments to love and reason helped complete and round off the paradigm shift that the Explosive child started for me. In his foreword Kohn asks parents - what are your long term objectives for your children ? what word or phrase comes to your mind to describe how you would like them to turn out , what would you want them to be once they are grown ? Most parents said that they wanted their kids to be happy, balanced independent, fulfilled, thoughtful , loving , caring etc. Kohn then argues that interactions with children that evoke discussion, examination and reflection of who they are and their impact on others will help with these goals. Rewards and punishments may in the short-term produce compliance but engraves on the kid's mind the question , what's in it for me , what will I get if I do this , what will be done to me if I do this. Parenting is not just getting behavior , doing kind acts but rather becoming a kind person. from an interview with Alfie Kohn I do an exercise with teachers or parents in which I ask them a simple question: What do you want your kids to be like long after they've left you and left school? And everywhere people say: We want our kids to be caring, compassionate, creative, curious, lifelong learners, responsible decision-makers, good communicators, and so on. So then the question becomes: Can we best pursue these goals by using the same teacher-centered traditional model under which we were taught? You say you want kids to be caring and responsible, and yet you're using rewards and consequences that undermine a sense of responsibility and get kids hooked on trying to avoid the punishment and get the reward. The research clearly shows that kids who are rewarded or praised are less generous than their peers. It shows that kids raised in an environment of clear black-and-white rules, which they are expected to obey on pain of punitive consequence, are less likely to become ethically sophisticated. And if we're talking about the academic domain, the research shows that schools using traditional grading produce kids for whom three things are true: 1) they think less critically about the issues in front of them; 2) they prefer easier tasks if given the choice and will go out of their way to avoid challenge; and 3) they're less interested in learning. For me, it's all about understanding the difference between reasonable, ambitious goals for kids and the worn out, illegitimate practices of teaching (which are now being made worse in the name of raising standards). Kathy self esteem Alfie Kohn gave me some great answers about praise and self esteem. Often ODD kids don't have a problem of self esteem and ego. Research suggests that low self esteem is negative for a peson but high self esteem does not neccessary lead to positive or prosocial behavior . It depends on the ' self ' of the self esteem , how self centered the kid is. Boys that have high self esteem are often involved in risky sexual behavior , usually girls with low self esteem are involved in risky sexual behavior Praise is often interpreted as an attempt to control and manipulate one and ODD kids pick this up very quickly . Kohn would argue that strategies used by Rosemond teach kids to ask what's in it for me [/QUOTE]
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