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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 15635" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Terry,</p><p>A lawyer maybe , and in his private life he will have problems because relationships are not about convincing people but ' working with them ', get along with them. A lobbyist needs more people's skills. Changing the dynamic in the home from a win-lose dynamic to a win-win dynamic is hard for the kid and equally hard for the parent. The kid needs the skills and also a belief that ' working with ' seves his interests. You don't argue or blame the kid , you learn with him , parallel thinking. You don't lecture to a kid , you use dialog questioning , you listen he talks , so you are working together , No argiung. Agreed that if a kid feels he is too powerful and he can win in any situation we have to deal with this sense of power. There was once in the archives a 7? part summary of Riley's book and one of the things it said about ODD kids ,</p><p>1 the believe that they will always win</p><p>2 they never learn from the past or their mistakes.</p><p></p><p>Eventually they will learn. I did not think that was so encouranging and certainly I did not have the structure of a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to take on my kid using ' power'. The more I would use power , the more the kid would resist. So the logical answer would be to avoid power struggles , relax the atmosphere , show your kid that you are not interested in controlling him with consequences but you want to work together.</p><p>It is not easy , but even if the process fails or the kid does not follow through , you are working on a life skill, you will go back to the drawing board and use those problem solving skills. As Gordon Thomas , author of Parent Effectiveness Training said , when you use power , you have lost an opportuntity for learning.</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 15635, member: 10"] Terry, A lawyer maybe , and in his private life he will have problems because relationships are not about convincing people but ' working with them ', get along with them. A lobbyist needs more people's skills. Changing the dynamic in the home from a win-lose dynamic to a win-win dynamic is hard for the kid and equally hard for the parent. The kid needs the skills and also a belief that ' working with ' seves his interests. You don't argue or blame the kid , you learn with him , parallel thinking. You don't lecture to a kid , you use dialog questioning , you listen he talks , so you are working together , No argiung. Agreed that if a kid feels he is too powerful and he can win in any situation we have to deal with this sense of power. There was once in the archives a 7? part summary of Riley's book and one of the things it said about ODD kids , 1 the believe that they will always win 2 they never learn from the past or their mistakes. Eventually they will learn. I did not think that was so encouranging and certainly I did not have the structure of a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to take on my kid using ' power'. The more I would use power , the more the kid would resist. So the logical answer would be to avoid power struggles , relax the atmosphere , show your kid that you are not interested in controlling him with consequences but you want to work together. It is not easy , but even if the process fails or the kid does not follow through , you are working on a life skill, you will go back to the drawing board and use those problem solving skills. As Gordon Thomas , author of Parent Effectiveness Training said , when you use power , you have lost an opportuntity for learning. Allan [/QUOTE]
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5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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