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5 yr old daughter's behavior changed overnight.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 62514" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. Sorry you needed us, but we're here.</p><p></p><p>You need her seen URGENTLY by someone who knows what they're doing and can work with your serious concerns. And they ARE serious.</p><p></p><p>I don't know anything about PANDA or anything like that, but I am concerned for a number of BIG reasons:</p><p></p><p>1) Her behaviour changed suddenly, but it seems very much out of character for her. It's like the psychological equivalent of suddenly getting a bad chest infection and constantly coughing. Would you punish your child for coughing? I do think something is suddenly seriously wrong, and she really can't help it. She's scared too.</p><p></p><p>2) She's claiming her thoughts are telling her to say these things. This is NOT NORMAL. Children are not automatically bad. She's suddenly started saying things apparently totally out of character. </p><p></p><p>3) You reacted out of hurt, thinking that she had some control over this and you tried some well-known discipline techniques. This has not worked in the slightest. As a rule, when discipline is not working at all, there are a small number of reasons:</p><p> a) the child cannot control their actions;</p><p> b) the child does not know what they are doing is wrong and cannot connect their misbehaviour with the punishment</p><p> c) the compulsion to misbehave or the impulsivity cannot be prevented, no matter how highly motivated the child is.</p><p>And when discipline isn't working, then don't do it because all it does is demonstrate your powerlessness - very damaging to your status as parent.</p><p></p><p>You took away her pacifier and from what you say, this would HIGHLY motivate her to 'behave'. But she can't. </p><p></p><p>Something is badly wrong and the sooner you can find out and try to get the problem stopped or reversed, the better off SHE will be. If this continues too long, the new behaviour patterns become harder to change.</p><p></p><p>My thoughts - I do not think she has much, if any, control over what she is saying. Nor do I think punishing her is working. </p><p></p><p>You have had your feelings hurt by this but this goes way beyond your hurt feelings. She is ill, somewhere and somehow. Ignore the hurt (which I suspect you've already worked out) and stop punishing her. Try to prevent, rather than punish. Prevention involves not setting her up for failure, such as by asking (or prompting) her to say, "I love you" or "Happy Birthday". I suspect you're also testing the water a bit each day, to see if the problem is still evident. If you're saying, "I love you," in order to get a response, then stop expecting or insisting on the positive response. Do not let a negative response from her produce a negative response in you. If she replies with, "I don't love you, I hate you," then simply say, "then it's a good thing for you that I love you no matter what." And leave it at that. Keep gently prompting the please and thank you, as if to a baby (ie don't insist on the response you want). Remind, but don't insist. Tell her it's a matter of appropriate social interaction, it doesn't have to be coming from her feelings. It's simply good practice to say please and thank you, because then she's more likely to be given what she wants by people who don't understand her as well as you do.</p><p></p><p>But definitely, STOP PUNISHING. I understand why you did what you did in the beginning - I think any of us would have done the same - but this does not sound like a child being deliberately rude, mean or naughty.</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in there is a very frightened little girl, probably also feeling very alone with some very frightening thoughts. Give her what comfort you can (that she will take from you) and get her to someone who can help, as fast as possible. Yesterday, for preference.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. Let us know how you get on. This sounds very frightening for you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 62514, member: 1991"] Welcome. Sorry you needed us, but we're here. You need her seen URGENTLY by someone who knows what they're doing and can work with your serious concerns. And they ARE serious. I don't know anything about PANDA or anything like that, but I am concerned for a number of BIG reasons: 1) Her behaviour changed suddenly, but it seems very much out of character for her. It's like the psychological equivalent of suddenly getting a bad chest infection and constantly coughing. Would you punish your child for coughing? I do think something is suddenly seriously wrong, and she really can't help it. She's scared too. 2) She's claiming her thoughts are telling her to say these things. This is NOT NORMAL. Children are not automatically bad. She's suddenly started saying things apparently totally out of character. 3) You reacted out of hurt, thinking that she had some control over this and you tried some well-known discipline techniques. This has not worked in the slightest. As a rule, when discipline is not working at all, there are a small number of reasons: a) the child cannot control their actions; b) the child does not know what they are doing is wrong and cannot connect their misbehaviour with the punishment c) the compulsion to misbehave or the impulsivity cannot be prevented, no matter how highly motivated the child is. And when discipline isn't working, then don't do it because all it does is demonstrate your powerlessness - very damaging to your status as parent. You took away her pacifier and from what you say, this would HIGHLY motivate her to 'behave'. But she can't. Something is badly wrong and the sooner you can find out and try to get the problem stopped or reversed, the better off SHE will be. If this continues too long, the new behaviour patterns become harder to change. My thoughts - I do not think she has much, if any, control over what she is saying. Nor do I think punishing her is working. You have had your feelings hurt by this but this goes way beyond your hurt feelings. She is ill, somewhere and somehow. Ignore the hurt (which I suspect you've already worked out) and stop punishing her. Try to prevent, rather than punish. Prevention involves not setting her up for failure, such as by asking (or prompting) her to say, "I love you" or "Happy Birthday". I suspect you're also testing the water a bit each day, to see if the problem is still evident. If you're saying, "I love you," in order to get a response, then stop expecting or insisting on the positive response. Do not let a negative response from her produce a negative response in you. If she replies with, "I don't love you, I hate you," then simply say, "then it's a good thing for you that I love you no matter what." And leave it at that. Keep gently prompting the please and thank you, as if to a baby (ie don't insist on the response you want). Remind, but don't insist. Tell her it's a matter of appropriate social interaction, it doesn't have to be coming from her feelings. It's simply good practice to say please and thank you, because then she's more likely to be given what she wants by people who don't understand her as well as you do. But definitely, STOP PUNISHING. I understand why you did what you did in the beginning - I think any of us would have done the same - but this does not sound like a child being deliberately rude, mean or naughty. Somewhere in there is a very frightened little girl, probably also feeling very alone with some very frightening thoughts. Give her what comfort you can (that she will take from you) and get her to someone who can help, as fast as possible. Yesterday, for preference. Good luck. Let us know how you get on. This sounds very frightening for you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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