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Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Apr 17, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    anyone feel like they were born to mess up? Or born to be walked on no matter how hard you try? Yesterday my grandpa was having trouble.. hallucinations and usually within 2 days hes ok. ( hes blind, week, bad heart etc) My son and I went down our usual time to stay the night ( we are there off and on all day as well- well when hes in school just me) So anyways my grandpa was week and while sitting down he said he felt funny, didnt feel right and was going to pass out. Meanwhile he was shaking and slowly going down and was out for at least 10 or 20 seconds.. he came to and said "what".. well I called 911 because I didnt know what going on of course he got upset I didnt wait longer. My grandma died that way... so no,,, I maybe overreacted but he doesnt talk that way.. hes a stubborn man who always says hes fine when hes real ill.

    My son was wonderful once again in an emergency situation! He did what I told him to was the great part of the night with him besides my grandfather being ok. He refused hospital care. So when one of my neighbors was talking with granpa I was letting the rest the block ( ya they all came out) how he was. Well, my neighbor said we should be bending over backwards for my gpa and we arent doing enough, we should be there 24/7 and not have any help because he is our responsibility etc and that I wasnt doing good enough and it was probably my fault I messed up his medications! The care taker who quit went over and over the medications with me still comes and checks, I talked with the doctors and hospital he has and I thought I was doing fine.

    We take him to appointments.....
    errands for him
    Im there nightly plus several times a day for at least an hour each time
    Help him dress at times
    disabled father with heart valve surgery lifts him out of chairs or when he falls (as do I lift but no surgery)
    give medications
    deal with him calling us liers on some things and basically we losers because not making over 90,000 a year!

    I went on defending myself to the neighbors that Im trying, Im doing ok just my cooking stinks... and sometimes I need to leave because I have 2 kids that still need me and have issues themselves.. I need work and the neighbor said no u can care for grandpa.. but grandpa wants me to have a job and if I dont we loose home and we homeless. He said your problem but get a job after he dies... we argued he went in his house and I told my neighbors left there what they want me to do, give custody to their dad who doesnt care to begin with so I can be with my grandpa 24/7??? They said nothing and just glanced away some stared at me.. Lets see them get rid of their kids when they have problem! I dont have other family down here to help and they say keep him out nursing home, he doesnt want to be there.. what does it look like im doing! My aunt other family said put him in years ago!!! Also.. it tuns out all my neighbors hate me well thats nice to know... my aunt says I need help or he really should go to the home, and Im not doing enough ..but then again I have too much to handle.. well.. where is she to handle this? In another state.. sadly she lost her job but yet she wont come / cant come to help... even a week every couple months! She says she couldnt handle it but yet she could handle it better in the same breath.. ya nursing home! So Im lost here...

    Sorry just venting and saying sorry I have occupied you alls time and annoyed you all.. ( by the way by neighbors have no idea that behind their backs my grandfather talks bout them as Im sure he does me plus how prejudice he is.. they dont believe me or my dad!!!! )

    and i just got hit on my back by my son... because i wasnt hurrying up and cooking eggs when he decided he was ready after saying he didnt want any! Nice just great day again. Oh plus I have a cold and really need to see a dr because I am having some weird health issues... Oh well
  2. Confused

    Confused Guest

    It makes me feel so bad that I am here complaining and yet many of you.. esp Dixies_fire at the moment is having a real nightmare ..but thankfully a miracle. Im praying for her
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The only part I feel able to address is the doormat thing.

    I finally believe that no one person should put too much on their plates. Then you feel like a failure when you can't take care of the entire family. I hope one day you can learn to take better care of yourself and not feel obligated to have so many people dependent on you that you can't help but feel bad, overwhelmed and stressed out.

    You would probably feel a lot better if you allotted your responsibilities to others. Nobody can take on a load like yours and be ok. I suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. I think you may suffer from what I once did (among sooooooooo many other things)....Codependency. May as well see if it rings a bell. Here is an article about codependency. I went to a twelve step group called Codapendents Anonymous for three years. Until then, I did not know it was even moral to put myself first before anyone else. I thought I had to and deserved to and was obligated to take on everyone else's pain and even their abuse. Maybe you can relate to the article I posted.


    Hugs for your hurting heart.
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2014
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah. I also think you are taking on too much with Grandpa. If I ever get that old and disabled, I would want my children to put me in some sort of assisted care so that they did not have to put their lives on hold for me. There are GOOD nursing homes and they offer what you can't, even if you were Superwoman, 24/7 nursing care.

    As for your neighbors, why even engage them? Who cares what they think of you? You can make your own decisions. It is not up to a vote for their approval.
  5. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thanks MidwestMom and I know you told me this before but I still feel Im not helping enough... their right. Most people would have a job as well, so I should not be even saying anything. Thats the point.. there is no one else to help but me and my disabled dad. Yes he still has a caregiver twice a week who vacuums, mops and cooks breakfast. She does do light housekeeping too..but is only there each day 2-3 hours. And some days my grandfather tells her not to come in. He also has a nurse once week for about 20 or so minutes come in and a physical therapist twice week for 30/45 minutes but for some reason I need to be there when they r there. ( he asks neighbors to spray poison around the house or change bulbs etc so it looks like Im not doing it I guess.. HE asks them and wont let me do it) But as my neighbors say, it should be just me and my dad.. I dont mind helping my family.. and I know I shouldnt care what my neighbors think but its like all of them! One or two no biggie.. I grew up with them..well most the ones here and now knowing how hated me and my kids are, I feel as if after my grandpa either dies or goes to a home, how can I feel happy and comfortable in my childhood home? I cant. My kids cant. I will have to move but with no money and no where to go. This house is paid for too...

    My grandpa wants me to put my kids and me first.. but.. when I go to do an errand and hes alone he panics and needs me back. Yes he has life alert but wont wear it...wont use it... So I thought if he an have help 8-10 hours a day at home.. I can work .. stay with him the rest of the time so hes never alone.. but my grandfather wont agree yet.. maybe once /If.. I get a job offer he will.. I don't know how much it would cost to pay someone to once in a while take him to appts and just " sit" with him making sure hes ok.. its worth it. But I don't know

    Im going to go to the link now..
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    First and foremost, I am sending very caring hugs your way. You are in a heck of a pickle! I'm not sure how you became convinced that it was your responsibility to take care of everyone BUT really you need to change how you think. Sigh.

    I don't know how to help you accomplish that but really, truly and honestly I believe you must make changes before your health is ruined, before an accident happens during your "off" hours and you get blamed, etc. You are doing TOO much. DDD
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your so stressed!

    On the other hand no one ever wants to go to assisted living or a nursing home. He needs to go at this point if he is falling and cant cook for himself. You can't continue to do all this. You are going to break in half. Your dad shouldn't be doing any of the lifting.

    Think about how great a granddaughter you could be if you were able to visit a few times a day and know he was ok all the rest of the time!
  8. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Honey just because someone always has it worse is no reason for you not to be allowed to feel stressed..

    As for your neighbors and family, people always have their own opinions and you can not make everyone happy.

    Point blank period unless they are in the SAME situation you are in and doing something different that's working better they have no room to talk.

    I have dealt for two years and really solidly since my husbands schitzo phrenic diagnoses that I was the reason he had problems that unless I devoted all time and attention to him and our child (mr Lewis) and pretty much ignored my 9 and 4 year olds (my ex's children) needs and wants then I wasn't a good enough mother or wife. I never believed it in my heart the things he would say to me.

    You need to tell yourself and believe it that you are doing things the best way YOU can do them and if anyone else wanted to come give you a hand they can have a say but until then you go on doing what you can.

    And your grandpa if he doesn't want to be in a home will accept a home help professional, you lay out the options and tell him point blank these are the last options he has. And if he doesn't agree to one of them you can't help anymore as his health deteriorates.

    I have been in a similar situation with my mom. My difficult child sister was supposed to be taking care of her and wasn't and not only wasn't but was messing up her finances almost irreparably. She was
    Put in a position where if difficult child sister stayed she would lose her house in a matter of a month or two. She felt responsible for difficult child sister. But sister did not feel responsible for her or her finances or the condition of the house. I told her if she kept sister with her she would lose the house and be forced to live with others or in a home and if she didn't want that she would have to cooperate with me and my brother and get Andria out of the house. Between that and her heart attack she relented and accepted the decision that sister had to deal with sister, she was no longer mom's problem.

    I'm sending wafts of confidence and peace with the decisions you have made and strength to show your grandpa his options in a way he can accept.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  9. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thank you DDD, I believe family should stick by each other, no matter what. I like how you said on my "off" hours, because the only off hours I get is when the one lady comes twice a week for 2/3 hours. The other times I have to leave my grandpa alone to help at my house and attempt to see my daughter ( son is always w me) and to shop. :p I feel guilty leaving even for an hr...

    Thank you dstc_99, He has been blind for over 8 years and hasn't been able to cook for himself since. Although he tried at first.. and at times he will assist us when we cook there for his favorite pasta dishes. Falling, yes, off and on he has fallen, and the Dr.s gave him a life alert, and we tried staying with him and hed kick us out! Now he wants us .. well me there all the time. Nope, he says he wouldnt be happy with me if he had to go to the home.. but I see your point!

    Dixies_fire- I hope your lil one is well! Thank you and Sorry you went through that with your husband. Its not easy ( my mom had schizophrenia ) so I understand.

    My neighbor that blasted me the other day hugged me a bit ago and said" oh your mad at me" I told him I was hurt that they would think I didnt do enough for my grandpa, Im trying to do what I can, Im not perfect" and he just nodded in agreement. I told him I never knew growing up him and his wife felt this way about me.. and didnt understand.. and again he said" we just feel your not doing enough" I brought up what I said that night about the only way to be with my grandpa 24/7 is to get rid of my kids.. and how would he feel if he had to take care family or other.. " he gave me a look like " bitc%"

    Sorry you and your family went through that, its never easy. I just wish I knew what else I could do for everyone!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Yes, I yelled at you. Flat out, this idiot has NO room to say a single word. And you have NO BUSINESS listening to him or wondering if he is right. Let HIM give up his entire life and go homeless and let his kids be homeless to take care of your gpa if it is that important to him.

    People who say this kind of thing DO NOT have anyone's best interests in mind. They just want to be nosy and to upset people. Of course he knew you would be upset with him, that is WHY he wanted to hug you and be all nice. It upped his "I got to her and made her feel bad" fix. He gets an emotional payoff every single time he can make you feel bad, esp because he must KNOW he is being a total idiot. If he truly thought your gpa was in danger he would contact the police or an abuse hotline, not sit around and tell you that you should give up your job, not pay your bills, and make your kids go through being homeless just to care for your gpa.

    You have WAY too much going on to waste your energy (emotional or otherwise) on an idiot, esp as big an idiot as this guy is. You are also way too intelligent to think he is right. You flat out KNOW you are doing the best you can right now, so there is zero excuse to allow this person to make you doubt yourself.

    Assisted living is NOT horrible. My gma agreed to go into an ALF (assisted living facility) after my gpa died and it was the best decision she could have made. She had several friends who visited and liked it so much that they moved in also. She had all sorts of activities and events to choose from, people to help her remember her medications, help with bathing etc..., and healthy meals all right there for her. It extended her life by a more than eight years, many of them far more healthy and able bodied years than they would have been if she had been in her own home.

    If gpa needs more than you can give him, look into an ALF or nursing home. As long as you visit regularly and you monitor the situation there closely, he will adjust and be fine. I have volunteered in nursing homes at times and often the residents are happy to be there once they adjust. Of course having involved family increases their happiness, that is true for all of us. Many of the residents have talked about how they prefer the ALF or nursing home BECAUSE their loved ones are not run ragged trying to care for them, work, and raise a family.

    Don't give this idiot of a neighbor another second of your time or energy. He isn't worth it. His opinions are not just wrong and ignorant, they are IRRELEVANT. So stop beating yourself up.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My drama group does lots of plays in assisted living homes, which is why I changed my mind about them. Even the less expensive ones are really nice and clean and the residents seem happy and there are tons of activities even for those with disabilities and they socialize more than they would at home.Does Grandpa have the chance to talk to anyone in his age bracket? What does he do all day? Can he go to activities? What about grandma?

    Family and friends (I consider both equal) should be there in hard times, but unless you are a registered nurse, how can you possibly raise your kids and make sure grandpa is ok and also take care of grandma all at the same time? Why do you think it is a bad thing to seek outside help? Why do you think you have to give in to everything your grandfather wants you to do? Heck, my dad is 90 and I don't do everything he wishes I'd do. Fortunately, he is in good health, but if he was not, he would go to a good home and we would all make sure we visited him a lot and called (maybe rotated) and he would get much better care than with a klutz like me. I would probably drop him. And I don't have any medical training. Note: Grandpa CHOOSES not to use his Life Alert. That is selfish on HIS part. What's the deal with that???? He expects you to do everything and never leave him? You are younger and deserve a life too, hon. Grandpa needs to be told there is no option about Life Alert use if he wants things to remain the same...at least I think so (I know I'm not you) :)

    Why does he have to be happy with you? This isn't for us, this is for you. Why does it matter to you so much? You can NOT please everyone, even those considered family.

    It can't be that good for his health with your kids there. And it can't be that good for your kids for all of them there. I don't know...I think therapy would be good for you. I used to be the helper person in the family and everyone walked all over me. And, trust me, nobody was grateful for the help I gave them. They would actually be more prone to be mean or abusive to me. Sometime in my 40's I woke up or I'd probably be doing what you're doing now and I wouldn't have any life of my own at all. Am I selfish? A little. Is that bad? It depends on who you ask. A person who wants everything from you is going to think it's bad. I believe a healthy person would not think it is healthy to care about yourself first in some of life. I am more of a bleeding heart caregiver type than anything, but I do set boundaries these days.

    As for the neighbor, I agree with Susie. He was trying to make you feel bad. You know what? You can not and never will please everyone and how is this his business anyway? I feel like we here can voice our opinions to one another because hopefully we all know that we care about one another. But does this man really care about you?

    I have learned to be cautious about who I let into my world. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing or neutral thing, but I don't allow people into my real world very lightly, which is maybe why I vent so much here. It's safer. Nobody really knows who I am.

    Hugs and sorry you are struggling right now. Be good to you :)
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2014
  12. Confused

    Confused Guest

    susiestar, its ok you yelled at me :) You make a good point to let him move in and loose his job... it just makes it more believable when you hear it enough how awful I have done from more than one person. I know assisted living can be helpful/ nh but... he wont go again.

    MidwestMom, Unless he has an appointment or our neighbors/ some his friends, (yes his own age) he will just sit in his chair all day. He does go out to eat and shopping at times with help. When he first went blind( his legs and back were bad already) he would still try to go outside and water, clean the blinds of windows, sit outside but now hes worse he cant. He says hes in a lot of pain all time anyways. My grandma died in 1998, he lost his ok health in the end of 2005/2006. He claims he will think about it.. he wants to feel independent and he feels life alert hes losing that. I know.. its suppose to keep his dependence! Today he says " if you cant handle the job is that what your saying?" I can handle the breakfast and laundry, helping him walk...dinner and take turns with nights ( hes up a lot) but I cant be there all day and night.. Before it was just lunch/dinner but at times my dad would bring it. I would still do errands etc. Than breakfast/appts came and now nights so yes, all night, several hours during the day. Hes been alone for 2 hours already and I feel so guilty and worried of him being alone! With my son he is with me all the time there but my daughter just wont leave her room at my house! My son is acting up again last few days bad again and he just cant stay of his adhd medications/clonidine because has hard as he tries and yes, he did better, he is starting his attitude again. I told my grandpa today, look I gotta work and I can do it early morning but I wont be here all day, you need someone here. Even now I have things to do, he got mad and said" so we talk about that after/if you get a job"

    Im glad your not getting walked on now, and I know you are always telling me therapy. Maybe one day I don't know. But this site is sorts is my therapy for now. No, this man doesnt care about me.. I thought him and his wife didnt hate me tho. Like apparently some others here on my block too. I told my grandpa today, neighbors can talk bad about me and my kids but the worst I have done is drink, smoke and boys, etc... oh school issue I didnt wanna go. So Im not perfect but its not like they dont have demons in their closets.. even if it was just thoughts !!! Hugs
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say. I don't understand why the neighbor's opinion should matter to you. You are going above and beyond what others would do or are doing. Your self esteem is in the toilet. I am concerned about you. Please seek help for yourself. This site is great, but it is not a substitute for professional help.
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Your grandfather will continue to refuse to go as long as someone is taking care of him. He is manipulating that situation wonderfully. Refuse to do what needs to be done in order to make sure he gets what he wants.

    If you aren't there to care for him the state will step in and make him either move or provide him with home health. It doesn't have to be his choice. Get a job and make it impossible for him to depend on you daily. He can be admitted to an assisted living facility without his consent if he has to be.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Here is what I learned about being overly codependent on others, meaning I thought I had to be everyone's caregiver. t was never as extreme as you, but it was hard anyway. I felt I had to please everyone, especially people who shared my DNA. For some reason, I thought that having the same DNA as me made them able to treat me like crapola, but I still had to love them, cherish them, care for them and treat them with respect even though they didn't do it to me. In fact, I was known as the family backsheep. The difference between you ande me was I was in therapy from early on and never quit going so I finally got it through my head that I deserve to be treated with respect. The very first person I realized I should not allow to treat me like dirty was my husband, who was very ill. I thought him being ill gave him immunity and he could call me names and treat me like garbage. As life went on, I learned to let go of a lot of people, including my mother. My father was the last one I finally let go of. I feel free as a bird and in charge of my life.

    Hon, you are not only going to burn out before you can help your kids, who really are the ones who need you the most, but you are likely to burn your health to the ground if you keep this up. And, be honest, do they really appreciate you and treat you well? I'm talking about the adults here. The kids may well be copying the abuse the adults heap on you. It sounds like grandpa is abusive to you, non-compliant, bitter, angry, threatening and much like another child, but he is a SENIOR CITIZEN. Sick or not, HE KNOWS BETTER. NOBODY has a right to treat you badly, 3even if they are sick and miserable. That is something I could not accept for a while, but it sure makes sense to me now. Did you once say that grandpa smacks you? If my dad or grandpa (if he were alive) smacked me, he would be no contact. That would not happen. Ever. Swearing and abusing me? Not anymore. I won't listen. I won't stick around to hear it. I will not excuse it. I don't do it. I expect the same treatment from others that I give them. If they don't like my boundaires, too bad. Demanding that you stay with him 24/7? Sorry, CHarlie. You have a life and two kids who desperate need you and, by the way, you are supporting him. He doesn't have to like it, but if you want to be mentally and physically healthy at all, you need to let go of caring about what he thinks and do what is right for you. I actually think your aunt is sensible. Nobody can take care of an elderly baby alone and at home all the time while also caring for two young children. It's a recipe for high blood pressure, a bad back, ulcers, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and very low self-esteem.

    You get respect and self-esteem when you look after yourself as well as others and set reasonable boundaries and stick to them, even if the dysfunctional people in your life throw fits because you are telling them "no." Why do you feel like a failure? You are setting yourself up to fail by taking on so much. NOBODY could do all of that and be yelled at and care so much what othe rpeople think and not feel like a loser, BUT YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!!!! You are listening too much to what other people are saying to you and feel so badly about yourself that you buy their mean assessments.

    I'm just one person, but I feel that it would be healthy for everyone if you decided just to raise your kids. Do what you want with grandpa...full time home care or assisted living. Your kids are little and they need you. Grandpa has lived his life. He is doing all he can to make your life and your kid's lives intolerable. It's time to realize that he is harming your little ones...you are too, inadvertently, by spending so much time with him. I must have misunderstood as I thought more adults were being taken care of by you too, like a grandmother or maybe a mother. Do you know why you are doing it alone? Not because everyone else is selfish, although they could be. But nobody else is willing to spend an unreasonable amount of time caring for a very sick man who should not be at home and is not safe at home and who is demanding and often unkind. I may not be the popular opinion here, but I think it's insanity to keep doing this while you have two younger kids to care for and YOURSELF to love and nurture. Yes, YOU MATTER. Why don't you want to go to therapy?

    You get treated with the respect you demand. I am shocked at the difference in how I am treated now compared to before. I am no longer the "go to" person when somebody is in a bad mood and even 36, my most abusive child, is much nicer to me now that I told him, frankly, that I'd hang up on him every time he so much as raised his voice to me. I used to let him hammer me with abuse and insults. He knows better now. If he does that, he loses the right to talk to me.

    I'd like to share what I did regarding my own abusive ninety year old father. Only took me fifty-some years to finally shut him down. He is the king of saying horrible things to us such as "Not one of you ever gave me a moment of pleasure. NOT ONE." Or "You are all losers." A common one was also "I will cut you out of my will." I finally got tired of it and had a conversation which I was recount to you, not verbatim as I don't remember it.

    Dad: Your a piece of ******! All of you kids are loser pieces of #######."

    Me: (calmly) Dad, that's enough. I have listened to that kind of abuse for too long.

    Dad: You calling me abusive???? I'm going to write you out of my will!!!!

    Me: That's your decision. I think you need to do what you want with your own money and that doesn't matter. After this, I will not listen to you tell me mean things about me ever again. At the first hint of it, I will disconnect the phone.

    Dad: That's it! I"m calling the lawyer!

    Me: (still calm) That's your decision. I don't love you for your money and if I don't get any, I'll survive. Mother disinherited me and I'm doing fine. I love you because you are my father, but I don't like you when you scream about how bad you think I am. If you truly think so, don't call me. If you want to call me, I welcome it, but you can not talk that way. I'm telling you in advance.

    Dad: *&$#***@@@@@@ (Hangs up)

    He doesn't call for two weeks then calls. I answer the third time he calls, with a reserved, "Hello."

    Dad: Hi!!! How you doing? What's new!!! (It was like we never had that conversation and he has never again told me how nasty I and my siblings are. My sister did the same thing. Truth is, we talked to each other about it before we did it. Seems like it worked. If he starts up again? I will make good on my promise to hang up. And he knows it. Do I care if he writes me out of his will? No. Not one bit).

    Why did I let him abuse me for so long and fight back or put up with it when it was so easy to stop it? I don't know. But I know that my 50's were my hasppinest, calmest years ever and my 60's are starting off in the same direction. I wish I had learned to demand respect from others a long time before that.

    I do think you can find the time for therapy somewhere in your busy schedule. I worry about you a lot. I think you have a heart of gold and I think you deserve a peaceful, happy life that YOU control and drive, not others.

    Big hugs. Sorry that this was so long.
  16. Confused

    Confused Guest

    pasajes4, your right, I haven't had true self esteem in so many years.. Im ok and know this place isnt the same as actual help.. but it really has helped me being here. I have been to professional help when I was a kids because I didn't want to go to school..( the teacher) and it didnt help.. they just said I need to be a good girl and go to school. Blah. But thank u :)

    dstc_99, I told him a few days ago and again today that I need him to have someone here all day so I can work and he says when you have a job we will talk." I dont need you here all day, just breakfast/lunch / dinner.. an hr each time and are you spending the night tonight?" ( my aunt left after a fight so I go back today instead of Sunday) But he calls me in between those times because his balance, or to make calls, wait for the nurse, plumber etc whoever to come, so it turns in to almost all day even tho " he doesnt see it".

    MidwestMom, no, no smacking ( as kids a swat on the butt, but very rarely) its just if you dont agree with him he gets upset, does put us down ( what good are we with no school, no good career, puts down our friends, pets etc) when hes in a great mood hes fine and says nothing but how much he worries about us etc.... I was just saying the other people like my sister and best friend have severe relationship /health issues as well and I am their " go to" person too. I want more time with my kids.. its driving me nuts! Escp since my daughter stays in her room a lot :( I beg her to come w us but.. she never does. I am going to look for a job.. I have no choice I have to support my kids. ( I do want to work too)( my grandpa pays our bills except what the government helps with) I want to work.. I will work anywhere but honestly... even tho I have to deal with people in every job, I rather work with animals ( thats why I wanted go back to school, vet tech etc..) I don't know, I feel being a teacher or cna or nurse I wont have the umphhh too handle it.

    Im sorry you went through so much in your life to so far, but am glad you have it more relaxed! I couldnt even imagine my dad talking to me like that.Glad that your dad is realizing how you and your siblings should be treated. You as well as everyone else here seems so sweet and understanding, wish you all were here in person!

    oh... and my aunt came for two nights to "give me a break" and visit with him, and they fought so she went home today :( I dont think she will come back.. she said they are done.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is time to either make caring for your gpa your job, and to treat it as such, or to figure out how to get a grant for the education you need to get the career you want. Make some calls TODAY about how to get training to be what you want. There are all sorts of colleges and schools out there. MOST of their students are on scholarships or grants, you will NOT NOT NOT be the only one. Not even close.

    My husband taught for a national jr college for a while. Almost every single student was having their entire education paid for by the fed govt. Grants and scholarships mixed wtih a couple of loans, and from what he heard from both students AND the school staff, very little was paid with loans. Esp for the single moms with other sorts of support like EBT, TANF, unemployment, etc.... They qualified for enough help that they could struggle a bit and be very frugal but still get through school an d then get a job with the certification.

    Your experience with your gpa is actually a PLUS if you become a CNA or someone who works in a nursing home. It is EXPERIENCE even if it is unpaid. Most people have ZERO idea how the things they do in everyday life can benefit them on a job and on a resume.

    Setting bundaries for your gpa and not tolerating the abuse, the way that MWM and her sister did, has unexpected results. First, you start to feel good about it after a while and that initial awful, scared, feeling passes. Second, it gives you confidence in your interactions with others, esp when the sky doesn't fall in on you. Third, the person you set the boundary with starts to RESPECT you.

    For a number of years my father in law was horribly verbally abusive to husband and somewhat to me. WHen we moved he was drinking a LOT. WHile he didn't do rehab or admit to having a problem, his wife (stepmil) would NOT let him speak to us on the phone unless she was on the other line. He pulls ZERO abusive koi if she can hear the conversation. He started sending letters to my husband calling him a failure and even worse things. My husband actually ended up talking about suicide due to these letters in a LARGE part. I warned my father in law that he would either STOP being abusive ro he would have zero contact with husband, period. I knew I could make it happen before I said it. Until we got married, husband saw his dad maybe 2x per year - xmas and around July for combined birthday/father's day. I believe grands are important to kids, so I pushed to involve them in our lives. Boy did I regret that for quite a while.

    Once I set the limit/boundary, father in law sent another letter, plus he told mother in law that I was a liar, a cheat, a thief, and was running around on husband and that our oldest wasn't husband's child. husband didn't even know all of these. The one about Wiz was HILARIOUS to me because he looks just like husband's side of the family, a clone of our nephew on that side, and just like father in law as a baby. Then he got drunk, and called us the day the letter arrived stating those things. I listened, said okay, he knew the limit. Then I called stepMIL and read both that letter that arrived and six of the letters that father in law had sent to husband with-o stepMIL knowing. I let her know that it would likely be more than a few months before they would speak to husband because he was just too fragile. I would speak to her, but would not EVER put husband on the phone until I was sure that father in law was sober and would not be abusive. father in law of course demanded to speak to husband several times over the next few months. husband didn't like talking on the phone and I set the ringer to not ring at all. husband didn't even question it at the time.

    Fast forward about a year later and a whole brand new father in law called me, with stepMIL on the line. As we lived hundreds of miles away, he had not spoken to husband in that time except once at xmas. He apologized, and asked to speak to husband. husband wasn't home, so I said that. I didn't get the ranting, I got a polite request to have husband call him when we could both be on the phone. I also got a written apology from father in law.

    When we spoke to father in law, he apologized. My husband was so shocked when this happened because NO ONE had ever gotten an apology from his dad that he knew of. He also didn't know ANYONE who stood up to father in law, EVER, and got spoken to again by him in ANY positive way. Esp not someone so very much younger than he was. I just knew that NO ONE would speak to my husband abusively and tell him that there was no reason for him to even keep breathing (one thing father in law said to him in those letters that were sent with-o stepMIL's knowledge, the ones I sent her copies of).

    Now, years later, father in law and I respect each other and have no problems with each other. husband and his dad have a better relationship because I drew those lines and made sure he knew that crossing them would have real consequences. I almost fell over about ten yrs ago when father in law told me that he actually appreciated the way I stood up to him because no one had ever done it that way and he had NO idea that he had hurt his son so badly.

    I was TERRIFIED when I set those boundaries. Of course I was more terrified that another letter would come and I would find my husband dead somewhere because he hurt himself I figured that of the two things, my fear of what father in law would do was the easiest to push through, so I did.

    It gave me quite a sense of strength to have stood up to my father in law that way. Esp because other than stepMIL, there really was NO ONE who told father in law that he could not do something or behave however badly he wanted.

    YOU will be scared when you tell your Gpa that he cannot speak to you that way, and that you cannot be superwoman. You can become financially independent of him by going online or picking up your phone and calling the local college or school to find out how to get help choosing a program and finding grants and loans and scholarships to help you pay for it.

    You ARE good enough, smart enough, and strong enough to do this. You ARE worthwhile, and valuable, and CAPABLE. You CAN do this.

    I believe in you.
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Please do not take offense by what I am about to say. I have been in therapy for ptsd due to having been in abusive relationships beginning with my parents. I would talk about the abuse, but when anyone else spoke about the abusers behavior I would turn around and say it was not that bad. Needless to say I did not make much progress until I accepted that the abuse was really abuse and begin to put up boundaries. In some ways it was easier to accept the abuse. It has been difficult but so worth it.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    pas, I can relate. I used to think I wasn't abused because nobody ever hit me. I would say it was my fault that I got yelled at, degraded, demeaned, etc. because I had been such a bad kid. But I WAS a kid and needed help, which I never got. I did not need to be called "stupid" "selfish" "lazy" etc. Those words in my mother and father's voice walked with me at least until my 40's, which is just too old to be thinking about your childhood. But both mom and dad were still abusive. Mother was worse. She cut me off, and nobody knows why, when I was in my 40's and she would not talk about it or change and did not change until her death. Cutting soembody off cold without telling them why and giving them a say, if they are civilized to you, is a form of abuse. It surprised me when I read that. It is actually a horrible, horrible form of abuse. I was never told why it happened or what I did. My siblings didn't know. My father didn't know. He was a lot nicer to me than she was, so for a while I thought he was not abusive too, but he was. They both were. I actually am glad I woke up in my 40's so that at least for half of my life I had a clue and no longer tried to hard to please them.

    These people sound difficult to live with and it is not mean or out of line to put a disabled older person in a nursing home or assisted living, especially if you keep up contact and call a lot. It is not wrong for the other relatives to say "no" to dealing with a difficult man who does not do what is in his own best interests for his safety and who wants so much attention. At least...it is not wrong in my moral book. It is sensible.

    Often abused kids AND even adults who are abused do not think so because they do not know any different. I did not even know there such thing as verbal abuse until I started therapy. Then it took me a while to accept that I had been verbally abused by both of my parents and by my husband too. Emotional blackmail ("I will never speak to you again if you donh't do this or if you do that!"), namecalling, unreasonable demands, threats of never speaking to you again, etc. are all forms of controlling abuse. Many people don't recognize it as such.

    Therapy was a big wake up call for me. I had thought it was all my fault that my parents and my husband said these things to me or that my mom cut me off cold. I no longer think that way at all and my life is much more serene.
  20. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thank you everyone. I used up all grants and loans so it has to come out of pocket. Well.. I dont have time for school anyways I guess. The only way to be with my grandpa as in a job, I will have to give custody of my kids up because at this point, theres no more nights/ hardly home daily at my house with both my kids ( he didnt want my son there tonight because of his house being colder.. we have better insulation at ours and my son is in his" mood") So he told me to leave him with my dad but my dad cant handle him and his very sick right now... my dad joked and told my grandpa he will stay with him and cough all night and he said ok. My grandpa at earlier said he be ok alone tonight but quickly changed his mind. I have to be with my grandpa constantly and when I go shopping even if its a quick hour with several stops, he gets upset Im not back. I know he needs 24 hour care... but I need a few nights and one sleep in day a week at my home with my family here. My grandpa doesnt want to be in the car to go to appointment because my kids constantly fight and my dad gets upset.. but theres no one else. So im just in aww what to do.

    Im so sorry you all went through so much in your past but am happy to see you all are in a better place! Hugs to all :)