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<blockquote data-quote="jal" data-source="post: 508860" data-attributes="member: 3477"><p>I have hesitated and hesitated to respond to this thread. If my memory is correct, your husband did not cheat in the physical sense, but the emotional sense. NOT THAT THAT MAKES IT ANY DIFFERENCE, BOTH DEVISTATE. Two years ago I went through this, but in the physical sense, short lived, more communication than together, but still. I have only told 2 people in my life, so putting it out here is a real stretch for me. I do not post a lot, and I do not post personal, but this struck a chord. Only here and there when I feel I have something to contribute and about this I will not go into detail. My world imploded when I discovered what happened. We have 1 difficult child child. We have been together since we were 18, we are now almost 40, difficult child is 9. It has always been us. Supportive family on both sides, no other outside/other people issues. husband was unemployed for a long time due to his career and economy. husband was depressed. I did not see the depression as I have never had to deal with-anything like that in my life to be able to pinpoint it. His unemployment largely contributed to the depression of being home day in and day out and extra time on his hands, although he strived to keep busy and productive. The internet made things too easy. He asked me to help him get on a popular site, figuring something to do, but he's not computer savy and didn't know what could happen. Someone from the past happened (we r talking when he was 15). I knew immediately her intentions were not good. husband is naive and big hearted so he didn't see it. Together we wrote a letter to kabosh the whole thing. Later he felt guilty and reached out to apologize. As he pulled away from me I reacted not knowing what or why he was pulling away. I began to become a problem in our relationship because I didn't know what he was going through and I pushed way too much, became angry and resentful that he wasn't working and there were things that I did that pushed him away and so eventually something happened. I am NOT IN ANY WAY placing the blame on me, but I own A piece of it. </p><p></p><p>I found out. No, he didn't tell, but when I confronted he spilled. Again, no detail here. He said he'd go to therapy (voluntarily, I didn't ask), I shut down, but also had to look at myself. (NOT SAYING THIS IS UR SITUATION) just I looked at my actions and I could see a few things that I really did wrong during this trying time and why he did what he did. I don't own it, it was a choice he made, but I had to own responsibility in my relationship and responsibility for what I did wrong (AGAIN ALL ME - NOT UR SITUATION). Infidelity in a marriage was always a deal breaker for me in my ideal mind. I had to take a HUGE step back and look at myself to see if I in any way contributed to it, and in my case, yes, small ways I had. All ways - NO WAY. We are about 2 years past this. We made changes in our lives. More time together (as difficult child had been our whole focus forever and consumed so much of us). Time to talk, time to be. The anger is a lot less now, but I still have bad days as to what happened. I am still hurt and it makes me sick to think about it. There is so much more to this story that I can't put out there (just for privacy reasons) but both parties have to be willing to work at it. It really is a give and take. We were always strong, but we are even more stronger now. I still love him and he has proved to me that again I can trust him. I have his passwords, I didn't demand, I found...but I've checked. A lot in the beginning, who wouldn't after being betrayed? Once maybe every 3 - 4 months now, if really at all, he no longer goes on the computer (ever since, by his choice) even though its available. He's more than proved he's sorry, he's more than proved I can trust him again, but G_D knows if there is an ever again, he will be gone in a heartbeat. We grew up together, we do love each other and without each other we'd be lost and so would our child, so in that I am lucky that we both want to work at it, but work it does take.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jal, post: 508860, member: 3477"] I have hesitated and hesitated to respond to this thread. If my memory is correct, your husband did not cheat in the physical sense, but the emotional sense. NOT THAT THAT MAKES IT ANY DIFFERENCE, BOTH DEVISTATE. Two years ago I went through this, but in the physical sense, short lived, more communication than together, but still. I have only told 2 people in my life, so putting it out here is a real stretch for me. I do not post a lot, and I do not post personal, but this struck a chord. Only here and there when I feel I have something to contribute and about this I will not go into detail. My world imploded when I discovered what happened. We have 1 difficult child child. We have been together since we were 18, we are now almost 40, difficult child is 9. It has always been us. Supportive family on both sides, no other outside/other people issues. husband was unemployed for a long time due to his career and economy. husband was depressed. I did not see the depression as I have never had to deal with-anything like that in my life to be able to pinpoint it. His unemployment largely contributed to the depression of being home day in and day out and extra time on his hands, although he strived to keep busy and productive. The internet made things too easy. He asked me to help him get on a popular site, figuring something to do, but he's not computer savy and didn't know what could happen. Someone from the past happened (we r talking when he was 15). I knew immediately her intentions were not good. husband is naive and big hearted so he didn't see it. Together we wrote a letter to kabosh the whole thing. Later he felt guilty and reached out to apologize. As he pulled away from me I reacted not knowing what or why he was pulling away. I began to become a problem in our relationship because I didn't know what he was going through and I pushed way too much, became angry and resentful that he wasn't working and there were things that I did that pushed him away and so eventually something happened. I am NOT IN ANY WAY placing the blame on me, but I own A piece of it. I found out. No, he didn't tell, but when I confronted he spilled. Again, no detail here. He said he'd go to therapy (voluntarily, I didn't ask), I shut down, but also had to look at myself. (NOT SAYING THIS IS UR SITUATION) just I looked at my actions and I could see a few things that I really did wrong during this trying time and why he did what he did. I don't own it, it was a choice he made, but I had to own responsibility in my relationship and responsibility for what I did wrong (AGAIN ALL ME - NOT UR SITUATION). Infidelity in a marriage was always a deal breaker for me in my ideal mind. I had to take a HUGE step back and look at myself to see if I in any way contributed to it, and in my case, yes, small ways I had. All ways - NO WAY. We are about 2 years past this. We made changes in our lives. More time together (as difficult child had been our whole focus forever and consumed so much of us). Time to talk, time to be. The anger is a lot less now, but I still have bad days as to what happened. I am still hurt and it makes me sick to think about it. There is so much more to this story that I can't put out there (just for privacy reasons) but both parties have to be willing to work at it. It really is a give and take. We were always strong, but we are even more stronger now. I still love him and he has proved to me that again I can trust him. I have his passwords, I didn't demand, I found...but I've checked. A lot in the beginning, who wouldn't after being betrayed? Once maybe every 3 - 4 months now, if really at all, he no longer goes on the computer (ever since, by his choice) even though its available. He's more than proved he's sorry, he's more than proved I can trust him again, but G_D knows if there is an ever again, he will be gone in a heartbeat. We grew up together, we do love each other and without each other we'd be lost and so would our child, so in that I am lucky that we both want to work at it, but work it does take. [/QUOTE]
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