8 Days to go!

[IKeepPraying]

He actually got an extra day because of leap year...
Well, just thought I would give everyone an update. He has been a little better...I think he is starting to feel the heat. Just this morning he actually asked me if I was really making him leave in 8 days. The fact that he asked me that tells me that he still continues to not take me seriously. So I stood firm and said "of course! You haven't found a Place yet?!", "what are you going to do?" I need him to wake up and smell the coffee. He tried to strike a deal with me, and I told him if he wants to sit down and go over a plan he needs to do it with everyone in the house, not just me because we all have been affected by his actions. So we'll see what happens.
If it does comes down to it and I feel that we can come to an arrangement and that he is serious. I already know what I will require of him. #1 Therapy, working full time and going to school part time or vis versa, responsibilities around the house and if he shows up drunk or high or anything from my house walks off again, he's gone!

 

[SONS GONE WILD]

Hi there. I'm new here. I am assuming he will be 18 in 8 days? My difficult child will be 18 in 12 days. I may take your advice. We're scheduled to meet with an outpatient rehab on Monday, and he must go through with this. I am so afraid to make him leave - I wish I could be strong like you. I like the rules you have for him.

Good luck.

 

[susiestar]

What will letting him make arrangements to stay do to help him grow up?? I really think, with all he has done, that making him leave will protect the rest of the family (a parent's primary JOB) and will make him come to the realization that he has to stop using and abusing, but letting him stay will let him think he can snow you.

Love him enough to send him out into the world. He may fall, but then he will see the light and pick himself up.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Star*]

Hi and welcome,

Don't usually come to this forum because instead of being blessed with a difficult child that has behavior and abuse problems I got Tripoly blessed with behavior. I have had a standard rule since he was a child for personal reasons - if he became addicted to drugs - I was done, and he has known that.

Susie said exactly what I was thinking. At 18 it's so hard to get services or help for them because the law considers them adult. I don't - I don't think I became an adult until I was around 20+ and I moved out, worked 3 jobs, and got my own place at 16.

My son won't be 18 for 5 months - and we're still shadowing him - but we were able to negotiate a therapeutic foster home for him. We bailed our son out of jail 2 months ago and said "HERE ARE THE RULES OF THE HOUSE AND THE LAW OF THE LAND" (like Moses coming down from Mt. Siani) and said
YOU WILL GO TO SCHOOL
YOU WILL HELP AROUND THE HOUSE
YOU WILL NOT SNOOP OR TAKE THINGS WITHOUT ASKING
YOU WILL GO TO BED AT 10: M-F 11 S and 10 on S
YOU WILL LOOK ACTIVELY FOR A JOB AND HAVE ONE IN A MONTH
YOU WILL NOT YELL OR RAISE YOUR VOICE
YOU WILL KEEP YOUR ROOM CLEAN
YOU WILL DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY AND CHORES TO OUR SATISFACTION
YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THE YARD
YOU WILL NOT TALK ON THE PHONE LONGER THAN 15 MINS.
YOU WILL HAVE 1/ 2 hr. computer time MONITORED IF YOU COMPLY ABOVE

and - he did go to school
-he did help around the house
He fought us on bed time - we pointed and said nothing
He did look for a job
He Did do his laundry and redid a bunch of chores
He left the yard once - and that was the end of looking for a job on his own
He ran up a phone bill with Learning Disability (LD) charges that he IS paying back and I blocked all the phones from there on.
He had porn on the computer, tried to hide it and lost those rights to computer time period.

ONE SHOT -

We were looking for another placement for him for Independent living skills and found a therapeutic foster home that had rules BEFORE he got there. BUT he's doing well there. He has court on Monday and may end up in jail for 6 years for a bogus charge from being in the group home.

But - he did get to go out with a friend one time - and came home with a friend who wreaked of marijuana and I checked Dude- nope not smoked it. The friend got the "Not a good or wise choice" and knows he's probably not welcome back at the house despite the fact that we care for him a lot. We just left him with his own thoughts- that should beat him up nicely for a little while.

If you do even consider this - I would recommend taking him to any local Salvation army shelter or Homeless shelter in your area and ask the men there if they will take him on a tour of their lovely facility = that can be an eye opener. Dude and I volunteered at Salvation Army and the street people we met gave him quite an earful - others were too hung over or strung out or mentally ill to speak but....he got quite a visual aid of how cold it can get at night and how much they would give to have just a mattress and a sturdy box to keep the cold off instead of standing up all night long afraid they would be killed in their sleep. it's a reality I wanted my son to have.

Hope things work out with you and yours.....for whatever way it goes - you know he can always come home if he will abide by the rules - and when he doesn't - OUT he goes. If he's truly grateful for what you are offering him - he'd have listened to YOUR rules already.

Hugs
Star

 

[susiestar]

Star,

Our town homeless shelter is different than what you described. We went with things to donate and difficult child got a tour. He asked if he could go live there.

Fried me bigtime!

Go see the place before you take him. If you are in a town like ours, find a big city shelter to take him to.

Hugs and support, no matter WHAT!

Susie

 

[Star*]

Susie,

The ones here are SO horrible in the winter time - women can ONLY volunteer to bake, bring blankets, and make up packages for soap, toothpaste, deoderant - etc.

The main one is downtown and it's AWFUL - despite the best intentions of the church - it wreaks of urine, and vomit. The people that are there are mostly mentally ill. They stand in line at dusk and when all the beds are full - they turn the others away. Most go sleep in the huge park across the road.

When my Mom came to visit in July - we went to take pictures at the water fountains - and it rained. WE ran under the shelter and Mom was floored at all the homeless folks sitting under there. It scared her when one yelled out HEY - You know me - and actually I did from the SA. I told Mom not to worry but I could tell she was beyond nervous and we left.

I usually try to take coats and blankets in the back of my SUV and carry crackers and water with me. We give what we can - (laughing) we don't have much but if we have enough to give away - we have more than most.

I wish our homeless had a nicer place to go, but no one here wants them at all. People get treated worse than dogs - I try to remember what I do to the least of his brethern - verse. And I know what it's like to be homeless. Not something I wish for anyone...

Hugs

 

[standswithcourage]

Our son got a tour of the jail one night and we thought it would scare him to death - at the time the guy that gave him a tour said he kept calling for me but obviously it didnt scare him enough he has been in jail since Oct. 07. He is between chosing Drug court and rehab. Please pray he makes the right decision for him. Home is not an option. I get so tired of telling him that. It makes me cringe every time but we have done it all before. He is 24. It all started at 15. We have let him come back home everytime he went anywhere and laid down the rules and he broke them no matter what. I hope you have better luck!!!

 

[IKeepPraying]

Our son got a tour of the jail one night and we thought it would scare him to death - at the time the guy that gave him a tour said he kept calling for me but obviously it didnt scare him enough he has been in jail since Oct. 07. He is between chosing Drug court and rehab. Please pray he makes the right decision for him. Home is not an option. I get so tired of telling him that. It makes me cringe every time but we have done it all before. He is 24. It all started at 15. We have let him come back home everytime he went anywhere and laid down the rules and he broke them no matter what. I hope you have better luck!!!

I am so sorry..It is soooo draining isnt it? I keep telling my husband that I get SOOO tired in the middle of the day..Of Course thinking something is serious is wrong with me, but my husband is convinced that I ao sooo emotionally drained and sad. Why can't these kids see what they are doing to themselves and their loved ones? It is just so senseless to put everyone through this hell... I am so sorry for your pain, I know that 18 is not the magically age and that I am going to continue to have this hurt, but I am just looking forward to the end of the extra work that is forced on us. Good luck to you as well.

 

[IKeepPraying]

PS....

4 more days!

 

[IKeepPraying]

Well, the newest thing is my husbands Garmin GPS went missing this week. It was in his office on his desk and now it is just GONE! My son was referencing to something around the same time that I now realize was something in my husbands office..He took it, I just know it. He has stolen jewelry from family members homes that I found on him that I had to return and whenever he is around things always walk off. My husband spent several hundred dollars on that. He travels throughout the country and he really needs it. I wish he hadnt left it where my son could find it. We don't have a key lock in his office so I am not sure why he left it there. I am going to start calling the local pawn shops...I think I recall hearing my son talking about pawn shops a while back, so either that or he sold it to a friend.......This kid is driving me INSANE! I would NEVER have ever even THOUGHT about stealing from anyone let alone my own family. I just don't get this KID!!....Thats it! He is GONE! I cant deal with this anymore!

3 more days to go!!

 

[IKeepPraying]

Thanks for all of your advise, I would take him to the jails and the shelters, its a great idea. But my son would just get right out of the car or just start walking away where ever we were. That is how he is. He is someone who just doesn't seem to see things on a real life level, knowing how he processes everything, he would just say, that's not going to happen to me...and continue what he was doing. He has been through the youth diversion program through probabtion....spoke with kids in juvie but it didnt make a difference one bit....He will just never learn. He is just like his bio father. His Dad is almost 40 years old, living in his mother's GARAGE. 2 time felon, no job, no car, no money. Drug and alcohol abuser, but has always denied it.. no one will hire him....BUT he still thinks he is too skilled and refuses to go down to the local store and get a job...Reality just doesnt hit him...My son has shown me my worst fear, that he has that same mental instability.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

If you find that he did take the GPS, press charges.

He'll get a tour of the jail allright. And he won't be able to just walk away.

Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[susiestar]

I agree with BBK. Press charges. It will be things like that that will eventually get through. THe consequences. Unless he reaches bottom, he won't make the choice to get his life together.

It is so hard on moms and dads, isn't it?

Star, I have seen shelters like that. We are in a smaller city, and our shelter is quite nice. Nicer than many homes. This has been a problem for hte shelter. They had a few families that had to be forced to leave - they had a home, but they didn't want to work and pay bills (it was inherited , in 2 cases, but in need of some work - actually was nicer than the apt husband and I first lived in!). Well made building, in pretty good shape (built new to be the shelter about 20 years ago). Each family has a separate room and bath, food is very good - most restaurants donate daily, they have a good selection of clothing, etc most of the time, and have vouchers they can print for the clients to go to any of the 4 thrift stores for clothing, shoes, etc... As I said, it is quite nice.

Praying, if he is willing to just go walk off, let him. The best teacher is necessity. MAke sure you change the locks, even if you think he doesn't have a key. Also make sure you change the locks on all interior doors. Our kids can find keys even when we think they can't.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[IKeepPraying]

Hello everyone....Can you believe this!?
I called the local pawn shops...one was nice and told me to take in the serial and model # and he will keep an eye out for it..BUT another one said sorry, that is privilege information, you need to make a police report and the police have to call me for that information. YEAH, like the police are going to be calling around pawn shops looking for it. GIVE ME A BREAK...It is just a license for them to get away with having stolen merchandise. Pawn shops should be illegal! I made the mistake to tell my son that I was going to start calling pawn shops when I confronted him, before I knew these places play this type of game...Who knows, he and friends are probably out buying it back right now! I just need to accept it as a lose...He can just consider that his Birthday Present! By the way, can you believe he had THE NERVE to tell me what he would like for his Birthday this morning! I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering how I can just let go...Now as you can probably sense I am just a little annoyed! I'm sure I'll cry myself to sleep again tonight. Talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions...

2 more days! (36 1/2 hrs to be exact!)

 

[IKeepPraying]

Update..I got confirmation that my son took it...I looked up the search engine history on my computer and saw that the make and model was searched...Obviously not by me...He must have been looking to see how much it is worth..

Also, my Diamond Earrings that I have had for years are GONE. It looks like my son is trying to clean us out before we kick him out Wednesday. Thank goodness my husband will be home until then, so someone is in the house at all times. At least this part of it will be over that day.

 

[standswithcourage]

Oh I understand. It is amazing what they will do. They just seem not to care about anyone else at all. Maybe he will get arrested. Sometimes that is the only way you can get any peace or help at all. It tore me up the first time my son was arrested - over and over again - it tore me up but now I look at it as peace and that maybe he will get it eventually.

 

[IKeepPraying]

I am at that point on the roller coaster that I just cant stop crying now....This is just the worst...There is a song that I have been listening to (and crying to) I think we all can relate to it. Here is the link to the Video..It is by The Fray, How to save a life. For those who have not heard it, here it is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKxnJ5iyC-w

Here is another version showing the lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw0wRfHjF5M

We can all cry together...

 

[SONS GONE WILD]

The thought of going through what you are is absolutely terrifying to me - especially since we are close to having to do the same. You are one strong mom. I am trying everything I can not to get to that point with my difficult child. He will be 18 on March 19th. We have told him rehab or he's out - I don't think he believes it. We signed him up for outpatient rehab today - I am, let's say, "cautiously optimistic."

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

 

[gottaloveem]

Also, my Diamond Earrings that I have had for years are GONE. It looks like my son is trying to clean us out before we kick him out Wednesday.

I doubt he is trying to collect money to move out. It sounds like he needs drug money. It is my belief that the only time a kid would steal from parents is to fuel a drug habit.

You must press charges against him for stealing the GPS and diamond earrings. This could be one of your last chances to TRY to help him. He needs to know that bad things will happen to him.

Lia

 

[gottaloveem]

Who knows, he and friends are probably out buying it back right now! I just need to accept it as a lose...

He and his friends were not buying it back. He took the money and bought drugs with it, and I doubt he bought marijuana with it. The GPS your husband paid hundreds for probably only brought in $50.00 at the most ( just and educated guess, I could be wrong, but no where near the price it was purchased for)

Oh, and it is gone, you will never see it again.

So sorry, I know exactly what you are going through and feeling.

Many hugs.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))